Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

My Adult Daughter Hates Me: My Story

My only daughter hates me. She is 27. Sometimes when I grieve for her and cry for her, I vivid memory come to me--- a day I was sitting out in the backyard and the school bus dropped her off in front of the house. My little girl with her long brown hair, came running to me with flowers she had (illegally) picked at school. She was so happy to see me...running toward me as if I was the light of her world. There was so much love in her eyes. I remember how my heart warmed to see my beautiful little girl that day and so many day. When the grief overtakes me, I remember moments like those that cannot be taken away from me.

I feel I have failed at something more important than anything else in life, motherhood. I feel I worked so hard to be a good mom. I was young. I had my son at 24 and my daughter at 27. I did all the things for my daughter and my son that had never been done for me. I did all the things I thought good moms do--including abstaining from alcohol, my family's curse. I didn't want my kids to have a drunken mother and I was the only one of my four siblings that did not succumb to alcoholism. I wanted them to be proud of me and I was the only one in my biological family to become a college graduate. I hugged them and told them I loved them everyday because my parents never did that for me. I could go on and on about all the things I did that I thought were being a good mother. Most of all, I loved them. They were my life. I can't believe it turned out like this.

I don't know when the trouble started exactly. I know she was only 9 years old when my sister died at age 35 with 3 small children. It was a tragedy of the most painful kind. Sometimes I feel: "My daughter would rather it was me that died as little as she cares for me." When my sister died, I know I had a lot of grief and a lot of fear because the cancer that killed her runs in families and the doctors were treating me like I was a cancer waiting to happen. It was a terrible time filled with fright and grief. Thinking back, I realize now I must have not been there for my daughter completely with all of this on my mind. Only five years later, I divorced her father. He had been my first boyfriend and we never had a real partnership or intimacy. Seeing my sister die at only 35, the sober reality of how short life really is hit me in the face like cold water. A strong desire to experience life and live fully came over me. It drove me. I did not want to model: "stay together for the sake of the children" to my daughter the way my mom did to me. My mom was so unhappy. No, I wanted to model a strong women with self respect and courage to create a happy life. Ah, the best laid plans.......

In only three months after the divorce (I guess I was pretty naive and "raw meat") I hooked up with a very manly man who paid so much attention to me and seemed to be everything I ever wanted. We fell deeply in love and eventually married. He was a good step-dad to my daughter. She once told me during a particularly hard time in High School "If it weren't for Joe, I'd be on drugs or pregnant." I was so happy that he took delight in listening to all of her teenage problems, give her counsel and advice. I was so glad she had a strong male father figure because her read dad was not. It seemed to me that the divorce had been a good thing for my daughter. Even before I remarried, she had rose buds in her cheeks again, looked better, ate better, seemed happier.

Several years later, when my mom died, I took in my other sister's 3 girls because my sister was a serious alcoholic and unable to care for them. No one else stepped forward to this incredible responsibility. I was scared to death. My own two children were grown and out of the house. I loved my nieces very much and by now my daughter was 20 years old. I had a labor-intensive teaching job and I attend to them and took each of them to therapy several days a week after school. I enrolled them in the private school where I taught and paid tuition. One had abandonment issues. One had learning disability. One had Type I Diabetes. These kids had had it very rough, and I wanted to be there for them. Besides, contrary to what some people would say later, I was the ONLY one who came forward.

My second husband, I believe, just couldn't handle it. I knew he had an anger problem all his life after a head injury from a motorcycle accident when he was young. He told me about this anger management issue on our very first date. He said he managed it well. But once the 3 girls came into our home, I do believe the stress on him caused the anger problems to arise. I started walking on pins and needles in my own home for fear I would make him angry. Those were horrible times because I thought my second marriage would be the "love of my life". I didn't want to fail again. But when he hit my daughter and was verbally abusive to her, he had to go. I got a 2 year Protective Order and divorced him. Then I became like a "single parent" with my three nieces. I started having financial problems trying to raise them on a teacher's salary.

My daughter, now a young adult, had moved out and gotten hooked up with a boyfriend involved with drugs. I didn't even know he was into that---he had me fooled. I had thought he was a pretty nice young man. Anyway, my daughter got kicked out of their apartment and came to me begging to move back in to my home. I told her truthfully that being that she had been so disrespectful to me during her teen years and that we hadn't gotten along very well, I just could not handle any more stress in my life and I did not think it good she move back home. I remember telling her exactly "My plate is overflowing and I can't take one more thing." She begged and promised that she would help me take care of the girls, babysit, help with the housework, all of this but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me move back home..."Mommy". Of course, I said "yes". I remember having a bad feeling in my stomach that this would not work out.

Well, sure enough it wasn't good. At the end of the story, the very things she promised to do because I was so overwhelmed to help me, became the things she resented. To her credit, she did keep her promise and babysit for me. I began dating again. But mostly I just needed some time to get away from the stress-filled misery that was my life by this time. The financial problems were worsening every day. The girls were so much work...I loved them but still it was just a ton of work! My teaching job was exhausting all of my energy. A creepy new principal came in who didn't like me and made my life miserable. My nieces needed so much attention. It wasn't their fault their mother was a drunk and the only person they ever could depend on had died on them. My heart went out to them and I wanted to do all I could to give them a safe, dependable, loving life. My nieces paternal grandmother (who wanted nothing to do with them when Mom died and they needed a place to go) criticized me constantly to the girls which caused them to behave disrespectfully to me at times and belligerent to each other. So they started fighting for the first time between themselves. My daughter carried through with her promise and I got some much needed "escape" on occasional weekends because she babysat for me. She helped with cleaning the house and there was always a ton of housework. But there were problems. She wanted to be in the same bedroom with them and she was by now, in her early twenties and they, much younger, were influenced by her smoking in their bedroom, cursing and cynical, critical attitude. I felt she was not the best influence on them though she was still young herself, only in her early 20's.

I took my nieces for a trip out of town for Christmas. I thought it would be good for them to connect to some of their distant relatives on my mom's side of the family. Also, I did not have money for Christmas and this was a good way to get around the problem. I don't know why I didn't invite my daughter to come. Later, it was mentioned to me that this hurt her very much and I can certainly understand how that might have happened. I thought at the time, she would spend Christmas with her dad and it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. If I could do it over again, I would. But by now, I was in survival mode. I was trying to manage so much at once. I felt if my daughter came on this trip, she would take all the attention away from the girls because she always had to be the center of attention. I wanted them to have the attention from the family because I felt they were more needy than she. I must have been wrong about that. So I decided to take the girls without my daughter. I know with certainly I didn't intend to be hurtful to my daughter by doing this, but I think I felt we all needed a break from her. She had become very bossy of the girls as if she owned my house, owned me and owned them. It was a strange dynamic that had evolved. I think it is interesting that I can't really remember the details of this incident. But I do remember the trip and I do not remember having any feelings of ill intent toward her, only that I felt it was better for everyone if she did not come along. That may have been my biggest mistake in contributing to her hating me now. I wish she would forgive me....if only she would talk to me I would beg her forgiveness for hurting her...if this, is, indeed what it was.

I don't know because I have asked to talk with her and I have told her I just want to listen. I have implored her to allow me to hear how I had hurt her and/or let her down and I would break my neck to understand and that I would apologize. I have made it clear over and over that I want a positive relationship with her--that I love her and she is important to me. But she has refused to allow me this....for years now.

The girls eventually went back to their parents. I was free. My daughter moved out with her new boyfriend whom, I believe, does not love her as much as she loves him. I believe she would like to marry and have children but that he will not do it which I worry is a source of great unhappiness for her.

The last several years she has barely spoken to me. Last Mother's Day I received nothing which broke my heart. Late in the day, I finally received a phone call from her but she sounded like she couldn't wait to get off the phone. I was so happy she called finally on Mother's Day. But her voice was cold. There was no love or warmth.

Just recently, the nieces mother, my sister still living, had revealed to me the extent of the verbal/emotional and physical abuse she has been enduring at the hands of her husband. Even the children, some now adults, some young, were abusive to her too, with his blessing. They do what they see and hear. I knew all along it was not good over there but I used to drop in frequently to check on things and I maintained my relationship albeit more distant with my nieces. But I had no idea until recently just how bad things had become. When my sister finally became sober wild horses could not dissuade her from her recovery. He was still using but she managed to stay sober with drugs and alcohol in her face every day. The more sober she got, the worse the abuse got. He spit in her face. He called her "dumb *****" constantly. He talked so badly to her and about her to the children, her attempts and rebuilding her relationships with her children were difficult. But she was making some fragile progress.....that is, until my daughter showed up.

My daughter had not paid much attention to my nieces after moving out, until now. She always focused on one friend, almost obsessively until that friend dumped her. My daughter could not maintain a friendship. Over and over I saw this pattern occur. It was as if a light bulb went off in her head. My daughter began hanging around at my nieces house. Her plan was hatched: she would re-establish her relationship with my nieces and they would become her source of love and affection. It worked like a charm. She started with the eldest girl. She drove her around, took her out places, and gave her a place to stay. The eldest niece and I had chatted online every night for 3-5 hours at a time, night after night, but when my daughter entered the scene it completely stopped. The middle niece was often in tears because she wanted to come with my daughter and the eldest, but was told "no". But soon, the middle one would be included....then the baby...the one who had been most close to me. She was almost 13 by now. She had come to me when she was only four and we were very close. I knew she heard bad things about me from her father and his mother and sister who are enablers and the kind of people who make others look bad to make themselves look good. The little one and I still had a most precious relationship until the day I helped her mom get out of that abuse. That day all hell broke loose.

When my sister left that abusive drugged up, drunken house with her baby, my daughter was right there to proclaim what a horrible wretch I was to "break up the family". The ring leader. The orchestrator. This was the day she was hoping for. I was the horrible person who came in and wrecked the family because I had helped my sister, now in Recovery, escape her abuser. No matter he was high and drunk in front of the children. No matter he cursed their mother day in and day out in front of the children. No matter he threw things and accidentally hit the baby. No matter he used his power to control and belittle her as if she were a sub-human. No he was not the bad guy--the mom who had become sober was and WORSE--me because I helped her.

I believe that my daughter had always had a horrible jealousy with my nieces. I had given them more attention than to my daughter but at the time, I reasoned my daughter was an adult, I could reasonably expect her to assume adult responsibilities while living in my home. The nieces were still minor children and most needy. I guess I gave her more credit. I thought she was stronger than she was. I considered the nieces in more need of my attention, time and resources. It's not that I gave my daughter no attention, but I certainly gave my nieces more. I wasn't God, after all, and there was a limit to my ability to be all things to all people so I did what I thought at the time was the right thing to do. If I knew she needed more from me, I would have responded. If she had communicated it to me, I would have given her all that she asked for and needed. I loved her. I appreciated her. But I wasn't cognizant that she needed that much from me. I didn't realize she was resenting me and feeling jealous of my love and attention toward the nieces.

By the time I had reached 18, my parents taught us we were on our own and they had no more responsibility. We didn't expect anything after 18. I suppose unconsciously that was playing in my mind. She was well over 18, an adult. But apparently she felt neglected by me and unloved and that I preferred the nieces to her. So my daughter had developed a grudge toward me and a jealousy toward them that is the kind of thing that makes a person's soul dark and cold.

Over the past several years, I never heard from her until she needed something. But every time she called, I went running---whether it was to give her money, or support of her Art Club or support of her Hair Cutting or buying her art so she could get some money....whenever I heard from her, I went running, fully cognizant she was only calling me because she needed something and not because she loved me. But it was an open door and I took it. Anything....anything that might help us reconcile and repair, heal.

It didn't work. She completely disowned me. She has melded with the dysfunctional family from where my sister escaped to safety with her youngest baby to start a drug-free, alcohol-free, abuse-free new life. The end of that story is yet to be seen. The whole dysfunctional enabling gang are out for blood against my sister and they may win. But at least I know I did the right thing in helping her.

I believe in things like forgiveness and "He who is without sin cast the first stone." And most of all, I believe no woman deserves to be emotionally tormented and abused, verbally demeaned, physically assaulted due to the sins of her past. My daughter is there at the abuser's home all the time. They speak of their hatred for me and my sister in Recovery. The mock and criticize. My daughter and my nieces exchange love notes on Facebook, deliberately leaving me out....passive aggressive hurtful things just to get me. I want to tell her: "If you are trying to hurt me, you are succeeding. Does it comfort you? Is that the kind of person you wish to be? Well so be it. I choose a different path." Now my daughter is buddy-buddy with all three of my nieces and with her influence guiding them, they hate me too. They dare not love me when my daughter and all of them hate me. I have no family left at all.

Sometimes I cry a million tears and my heart aches with breaking. Other times I think of all that I have to be grateful for because I have created a beautiful life for myself with a wonderful man and a new career working only part-time. No more of the constant exhaustion I experienced all those years teaching. We've created a beautiful life together but without my daughter there will always be something precious missing in my life. She actually called me for something not too long ago and when I heard her voice say "Mom" my heart stirred. I have missed hearing that SO much.

There is no one that can replace my daughter. The sitting and talking....laughing and sharing.....the special bond that only mothers and daughters share.....these are non-existent with us. The empty hole in my life can only be filled by one person, my daughter, and she does not want that hole to be filled. I know I let her down. I know I screwed up. I have only asked for a chance to make it up to her, to apologize to be forgiven. I don't think she has any compassion for just how much I was suffering. I did not know at the time, how much I was letting her down. She refuses my offers to talk, get past it, my olive branches are rejected....for years now this is going on, and it only gets worse over time. She does not want to heal. I have to let her go. I can find other people who love and care for me but my daughter's love is irreplaceable. On the day she was born, I became her mother. There was no one else there but her. It is like a death.

Any feedback or support you can give me is appreciated.


ThisTooShallPass3 ThisTooShallPass3 51-55, F 42 Responses Aug 12, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I have a story similiar to many of these. I am 63 now, married at 24, my choice of men wasnt great but after he stopped abusing alcohol,he became a not so bad father and husband. We raised our two daughters as best we could,tryed to give them lots of love and most of the things they wanted. We were married for 27 yrs, my husband got lung cancer and died in 2002. Well here I was with two almost adult daughters, and had to make my way as a single parent now. I always worked and instilled the importance of working in both my daughters. They both went to college,one went away to school, the other stayed at home to attend college. I did not marry again,and moved with my oldest daughter to a new familiar neighborhood close to our old one. I struggled with now only one income but we made it sort of ok. My oldest daughter is the one who stayed at home,saw me struggle to meet the bills but never made an attempt to help out. I guess that is my fault for not requiring her to contribute (she did work at a fairly good job). She just cared about herself, partyed with her frie ds every weekend. Didnt seem to think she should take care of any bills or anything.When she was 26 she had a car accident that resulted with her hitting her head and now has been diagnosed with epilepsy.She is 34 now. Her epilepsy can be controlled with meds which she is very unconcerned with, so I feel I must ask her and remind her to take her meds.when she parties she drinks pretty much and doesnt think much of it.I feel she shouldnt be drinking at all,and I tell her that. Six yrs after my husband died,I met someone not at all like my husband, and fell in love. I ended up moving where he lived on the west coast,from the east coast where I had lived all my life. My daughter went to live with one of her friends, and continued her lifestyle.She eventually met a guy,and got pregnant with my first granddaughter.She did not love this guy, but did love her daughter.I was not in a financial way that I could be there for the birth,but my youngest daughter was ther for her and helped with all the neccessities she would need. Turns out that the father of her child was and still is a deadbeat dad,and feels it is ok for him not to work all the time.So my daughter struggles with bills and everyday life. She got pregnant a second time with the same man, and now has two kids (5 and 3). She asked me if I could come and help her,so I left my boyfriend and came east to help.I ended up doing everything for her and even giving half of my fixed income to her for bills etc. I have been here for a year now, and have a chance to rekindle my love life.of 7 yrs. Yes,he has waited a year for me but doesnt under stand why I am still doing this and is growing impatient.Says I have done all I could for her and she is to comfortable now with me driving her everywhere, cooking for her,taking care of her kids, doing the laundry,while she just works and ******* about ner life.She got involved with some guy about 4month ago she is despirately in love with him, but he is another loser and is not i love with her unless he can mooch off her.So now he is gone,mainly because myself and my other daughter told him to go away,in the best interest of my daughter.She is resentful,and now lazy,depressed neglectful,obese and doesnt want to care for herself.She loves her kids,but is very short tempered with them,and because of ner laziness,she rules her house from her bed. She is on her cell phone 24/7 hoping to be in contact with the last boyfriend who used her.She is in contact with him but he barely gives her the time of day,so she abuses herself, and doesnt really give a **** anymore. I am totally stressed by all of this and I may sound selfish but I want my life back. She also lies to her sister saying everything with her is fine.I dont say anything because her sister is the only bridge she has,and I dont want her to lose that. I am torn everyday with guilt about what will happen if I leave her yet I am losing myself in the meantime.
I read all of the other posts, and I am hoping for some encouraging words. Thanks for listening Jojo

I am so sad to read your story, but glad that I am not the only one who has a daughter that hates me. I have four other children who love me and I value them greatly. However, my eldest daughter truly hates me. She will not allow me to see your children and she makes a great deal of trouble if her ex husband allows me at his house while the children are there. I have accepted, after years of trying and failing to convince her that I love her dearly, that I have to also give up any opportunities I have to see my two beautiful grandsons. I will send them birthday and Christmas presents via their father, who is good to me, and hope they will come and see me when they are grown.
What I would like to say to you is this. It is only the fact that my other four children love me that makes me realize that this is not completely about me. It is in a huge way about my daughter and her perception of the world. I am fortunate that I have other children. For a long time, like you, I berated myself for my shortcomings. If you had other children against whom to measure your daughter's behaviour then you may also realiz3e that this has little, if anything to do with you. I know it is hard and it hurts but sometimes we have to leave those we love behind and wait to see if they come to us. I doubt that will happen with my daughter and I am resigned to that. I hope for better with my grandsons, but I am not holding my breath.

Just focus on yourself. You did your best, and that is all that matters. Hopefully later they will understand, if they will be able to defeat their frustrations. It is not up to you anymore. Keep your conscience clean and be as motherly as YOU should consider. Life is too short to think to the past, but learn to love yourself. Keep your balance, so you will lead by example. Now your main purpose should be YOU, this is your time: enjoy your journey through life.

First I have to say you did the right thing and shouldn't let your daughter make you feel differently. Have you thought she may take after her father, who sounds like a terrible man. You did all the right things. Try to put this aside and enjoy your new relationship. You have earned it. Believe me. God bless you.

With the way that you talk about your daughter I am not surprised that she does not speak to you. You paint her out to be a childish, manipulative, cold hearted b**** that has enough persuasive powers to be a ring leader.

I don't know why you left your first husband besides from what it sounds like that you got bored and your taste in men changed. That and it doesn't say when you got your degree. Did you do it before you had your children or during their childhoods? It also doesn't say how involved you were in their childhoods. Were you working and in school all the time, or did you have time to spend with your children when they were children? These are important questions to ask yourself because if you are the type of "parent" that wasn't there for your children in their childhoods. Then expects them to be there for you now that you have time and they don't and they are no longer children. Then I don't feel bad for you, you made that choice to work on you and not them when they were young.

You had your daughter she did not have you she owes you absolutely nothing and she never owed you anything. Now that she is an adult you owe her nothing either. However when she was a child and she needed you and it sounds like you weren't there for her or her sibling. I gather this because of the fact that you were there for your nieces and she got jealous. Probable because she didn't have that from you when she needed it but they somehow got everything from you when you owed them nothing and her everything. I wish you luck in your future I'm sorry that there isn't a rewind button to redo her childhood and be more involved in it. The good thing for you is that though your bias writing and description of your wretched cold hearted daughter it sounds like she loves you and is trying to be close with her cousins because you showed love to them.

If I were you I would think about the words that you use when you speak to her. Don't criticize her personal life her boyfriend is none of your concern the way she cooks, thinks, dresses whatever you think you do so much better than her just accept her for who she is instead of criticizing every move she makes. She is your daughter not your enemy and not your competition unless you make her be those things. Who cares that she lost her friend unless she brings it up and if she does. Don't go oh your bad at making friends you do this every time nonscience that you wrote in your blog. Honestly it sounds more like you hate your daughter and like you want her to be close to you so you have some on to nit pick on.

Add a response...

Hi, I landed here when I was looking some answer why? my daughter act like she really hate me. Clinical, judgemental, and mean with me. Thanks God ! I am not alone in this..... Thank so much for share your stories. Help me so much with my pain that I carrier with me. I miss her voice, I miss her so much...

Too many mothers have this notion that their children owe them something -- whether love, respect, etc -- for the privilege of having been given life.But in defense of your daughter, it's not about you, it's about her. It's not her who owes, it is you.


YOU owe her all manner of love and support for the rest of her life, because you brought her into this world due to your actions. She never asked to be dragged into existence -- So please try to have some pity for her.

I have a similar relationship with my own mother. The long-lasting damage I suffered due to her actions is still with me as an adult. I do get the sense that she is sorry. However, I still want nothing to do with her, because she expects that I should just 'get over it'. Like it should be as capriciously simple for me to heal the damage now, as it was for her to inflict it upon me 20 years ago.

You're writing here in part because you cannot fathom why your daughter hasn't healed from the pain already. You may be confused as to why she hasn't come around yet. "Other people get over things, why can't she?" But you likely have no idea how deep the pain truly goes. The way you titled this post "My Daughter Hates Me" makes it sound like you are the victim. This may hurt to hear, but the victim is not you, it's your daughter.

If your daughter hates you, I'm sure she has very good reasons. If you're as manipulative as my mother is, you're not telling us the whole story.

As for advice for you, you don't really have many options left. All you can really do now is realize that your daughter not loving you is likely your own fault, and hope that someday her heart will heal, and that she comes around.

Grow up.

You sound like you have been hurt, but you cannot change the past, neither can your mother. It would be best if you stop expecting her to make up for past wrongs because it cannot be done. You have to be able to move on or you will be forever stuck there - unable to move forward, and you said it has been 20 years. The healing will come with trying, but you will never succeed without trying to get past the past - no matter what the past is - no matter how deeply injured you feel. Without knowing what happened between you & your mother, it is likely she deserves to be forgiven. This actually would end up in a healing process for the both of you, as well as any others closely associated with you that would be affected by the outcomes of your relationship. And you have to realize that you do not live in a vacuum. The choices you make impact you & all others around you.

I have had many things happen to me that could have allowed me to be extremely negative; or to function at a significantly lesser capacity than I do. I came from an abusive home (both physically & psychologically). I was sexually assaulted by a relative outside of my immediate family when I was very young. Later, as an adult, I was raped by a friend of a friend. There also has been other significant things that have happened to me throughout the course of my life. The purpose of sharing this with you to let you know that bad things can happen to you and you can move forward - because these things should not define you. They can make you stronger if you let them - if you stop dwelling on that past & letting yourself be a victim. You might even be able to forgive those that inflicted the pain against you, which should include your mother if it is at all possible. Without making the effort, you will forever be a victim and / or lashing out at the world as a whole. And in your lashing out - you might be no different from those you are most angry at because you'll be doing exactly the things that you are blaming your mother and / or the world for.

I'm going through something similar with my adult daughter. I cling to God because the rejection is more than I can bare. I'm in counseling AGAIN, always trying to better myself to fit someone else's opinion of what they want me to be. I'm trying to stop that also. I was a good mother, however not perfect. My daughter is verbally abusiveand out of fear of losing herI would mildly tell not to talk to me like that. When I should have stood my ground and not spent time with her until she could treat me better. I'm not God, I had to learn by my mistakes and I have adored her since she was laid in my arms. I have apologized so much I feel almost like she wants blood or my death for my transgressions. I am trying hard to understand her pain and do what I can do. We may be going into counseling as a family soon. That is so scary. I'm very soft hearted and she is cold and doesn't bat an eye at someone's pain. However, my faith in Good will win this situation. By helping me to learn to cope or my touching my daughter's heart. And sad but true, it may not come until my death. But I know in my heart that through God she will see one day. Even then she may be angry at me, however somewhere and someday God will concoct her heart. And that is my dream for her.

I read on farther in the comments off all the broken hearted mothers. I'm so sorry for your pain and sadness. I will pray for us all.

My daughter hates herself and she hates me too. I had to leave the abusive marriage when she was just a few months old because it wasn't right to raise my only child in that environment .We were very close and the teen years were extra difficult as I was also going through menopause. (I had her when I was 35.)There were a few factors that I believe helped contribute to the current state of affairs. Her father had access and to this day, and even though he's remarried, he continues to malign me to our daughter. I believe that this taught her that hating me is acceptable. She is sick of his many emotional and mental problems along with many other issues and spending time with him is always stressful.I refused to participate in the provocation he and his wife used to try and cause more problems for me and I did not want to add to the toxicity. My own dysfunctional upbringing made me ill-prepared for parenthood, but I believed being a loving mother who did everything she could to be respectful, kind and accepting would give her a chance at a good life.I am now more than thirty years sober and I took my last drink almost five years before she was born. Her father still drinks and there is a genetic predisposition to mental illness on both sides.My daughter had to deal with issues and responsibilities that would be difficult for any adult, but she prevailed and had been building a mostly good life for herself in a major city for the past few years. Just today she apologized in a text for sending an earlier one that indicated her words of sympathy were insincere and that she wishes I'd never had her.I worry about her possibly taking her own life and I deal with chronic depression daily as well. I somehow cope without medication and at almost 60, the biggest challenge now is loneliness. I leave my daughter alone for the most part because she's written on several occasions that she doesn't want any reminders of her life at home with me. That hurts but I must respect her wishes.Part of her knows that the way she feels is in conflict with what our relationship should be and that when she is mean she is behaving badly but I've always taught her that feelings are valid and that it's important to acknowledge feelings in order to deal with them.She's almost twenty-five now and she blames what she calls her social awkwardness on my being insanely overprotective. I was a stay-at-home Mom until she was ten, and then I worked evenings but wouldn't let her have friends over when I wasn't home. (She sometimes did anyway and of course there was unpleasantness as a result.) Most of her 'friends' came from two parent homes and as a 'lonely only' she was inordinately attracted to people her age, enduring their neglect and sometimes even cruelty far longer than she should have.She must find her own way in this world without me and I must carry on without her. My days of motherhood are over forever because my daughter wants no reminders of me. It's very sad but that's the way it is. I am responsible for my own happiness now and I will be here if she needs me, but I don't expect to see her again for a very long time.

I was touched by your sadness. I have only one daughter too, and at times she seems so cold, not having any time to talk to her mother. But like you, I think I made her jealous of her cousins, as growing up. I gave maybe too much of my time, trying to cope with the grief my nieces were going through because of their parent's horrible divorce. I do not know why, but we live in times which are unprecedented. Young people do not have any natural affection for their parents. If they are not granted every little wish, special financially, they act and speak harshly with the parent, forgetting that it is their own mother, who loved them since they were born. I came to the realization that it is the enemy, Satan, who makes misery in this world, and I need to pray. There is hope if a parent goes on her knees and prays for God to put love in her child's heart, and to make the mother to show love to her child too. We do not have no one else but Jesus to fill a mother's heart with light and warmth, and to bring healing between the child and the mother! And how many times I carelessly forget about Him...the only One who is always there for a poor, naked and blind soul like me! Have faith, and pray!

I cried as i read your story. My daughter hates me too. I go running to her when she calls. She only calls when she needs something from me. She,s 22 and has a beautiful 2yr old son. I love my grandbaby so very much. But i only get to see him if she wants me to babysit. His father is abusive to my daughter. Ive been begging her to get on birth control for 2 years but she didnt listen. I read on facebook that she is 4months pregnant. She didnt tell me about it. I was so disappointed and sad. I told her how i felt, that was a month ago. I havent heard from her since. I know she,s keeping my grandbaby away from me to hurt me. I cry everyday. I dont know how to stop crying. My grandson loves me so much, im his favorite person. Why would she do that? Its hurting him too. So much that you told in your story, the way your daughter made you feel, i also feel that way. Thank you for telling your story. You are not alone. And now i know i am not alone.

Wow! I typed, "My adult daughter hates me" and I was led to this site. I came here hoping to find some comfort and support but after reading the posts from both mothers and daughters - I actually feel worse. So much anger and hatred, misunderstanding, longing, stubbornness and unforgiving hearts on "both sides" of the story. I guess some relationships are just impossible and when they are broken - they are not repairable. Neither side seems to want to give an inch with both sides feeling perfectly justified in feeling the way they feel - with an apparent disregard for the hurt the "other side" feels - hurt that is in all likelihood fueling more misunderstanding, resentment and hurt. I guess I came to the wrong place to find something that might ease the ache in my heart. I feel sorry - not only for my "hurt" - but for all of you who have posted here.

It is like a death "runneth over me". As each day slips away, the longing i feel as each day passes that i cant get hold of "My Love" feels longer every day. Its been since the new year we havent talked. I feel now its her new year resolution that shes decided to disown me. We said our love & misses for eacherother & talk atcha later. But, i think it was her last goodbye to me. The best note she could leave me on. Afterall, ive broke her heart so many times, so many times ive broken promises. So many times ive said id pick her up, we'd have "spend the night" together. I didint show, All i see now is her broken little heart waiting gor me at the window & as she got older, she just said, okay...with that tone in her voice she didnt know if it was for real or not. i never knew either. after we've hung up i never knew how my night was going to turn out either. Ive always had the best intentions to pick her up, to see her! when it came time, i couldnt and i didnt call or i'd call...something happened or... this ... or that. this went on half her life. now my little girl is a tween & my etched memories of her is that young little girl. i missed everything. she was amosted killed & I didnt come to her rescue. come to find out i did hv a mother intuition that same day i found out from her aunt. now my intuition says she's done with me? I feel ive been cursed in love, in bad luck, not to mention timing, of course money, the wanting for education/career & to heal and love myself so i could heal us?! This is happening so fast. A best friend commited suicide years ago now. I said i never would because i have a child. But my child is now an adult and my soulmate died just over two yrs ago, in my arms. now without her it doenst seem so bad. Now Im in an relationship that goes bk, but im getting wary. Im starting to feel like i owe bk, not the spark we had a few months ago, seems like. but, like were "comfortable". We support eachother. im still grieve. Im side-tracked now... my mind is always racing, but my daughter is always on my mind too. In thoughts and in prayers. How do i undue!

I know just how you feel and I feel exactly the same way. My 21 year old daughter has not spoken to me in two years. I am devastated and have great difficulty not thinking about it. She refuses to acknowledge me. She is a junior in college. I never thought this could be possible.

Thank you for your story. I,too, have a daughter who only likes me when she is "down." I was very close to my mother, dead 20 years now, and I miss her terribly. My daughter disrespects me, blames me for all her self-sabotaging and continually tells me what a rotten mother I was and still are. Gees, she is 33, a victim of a broken engagement, and a 4 year bad relationship. Financially, she is a disaster. She dropped out of college lacking 3 courses for graduation and refuses to finish. She had a 3.5 GPA. Since she does not have the degree, she earns peanuts. 2 tries at maintaining an apartment have ended up being unaffordable so she moves home. She destroys every bedroom in my home that she moves around to like the 3 bears. Efforts to make her clean up her messes are for naught. Meanwhile, I am the one cleaning up her messes except for the current room and bathroom she uses. She has used my credit card for much needed dental work and makes no effort to pay back, yet she tells me I am controlling and a horrible mother. In my case, I bailed her out too much, and much like yours, she has to be the center of attention. The only time in the last few years I felt like she cared about me unselfishly was when I almost died and was in ICU for a week. Now, I feel that was just self-preservation in case I did die she would have no guilt. She creates a hole in my heart every time she tells me I am crazy, a bad mother, controlling, etc, etc. if I don't respond then the treatment gets worse. She is so angry but I don't know why. I also don't know why it makes her feel so much better to hurt me. I have no advice to give you as I have none for myself. I have 2 other productive, loving children with families of their own, so I couldn't have been all wrong. I feel you pain as well as mine.

My gosh - am I the only one reading this that can see how jealous and resentful the mother is of her daughter? You say she has no love for you - well i don't see any love you have for her. All I see is narcissism, selfishness, martydom. You turned your back on your daughter when she needed you. I don't care if she was "over 18". Just by saying she asked to come back to "your house" shows how cold and un-sharing you really are. How about saying "she asked to come HOME"? Which if you were a warm and loving mother to her would be how you made her feel. A daughter shouldn't have to beg a mother to come home in a time of crisis, and a daughter shouldn't have to lose out on a mother because the mother chose to raise someone else's kids. I feel bad for your daughter. You should be thinking of the damage you've done to her, not wallowing in self pity and blaming HER because you have no family left.

Shame shame shame on you ! My guess is you do not have children. My second guess is you also have parental issues with your family. Clearly you have not raised a self absorbed girl who is severly to obsessed with herself to see the one mother who tried her best to give her the world did the best she could. And of course its never good enough right ? The venom that oozes from your post reminds me of something my teenage daughter would claim. Act your age. Its the mother saddened n the daughter that's ravenous.

It's sad that you aren't trying to understand--you are no different than the people you cry shame on. I'm guessing you have children who are not what you think they should be--but are probably exactly what you raised. I suspect you are as bad a mother as you accuse the other woman of being a daughter.

When "the best she could" screws you up for life, then, nah, it ain't good enough.

The woman's urge to "have a baby" is put it on a pedestal by society and we're all told that it's altruistic and noble -- but it's no less primal or basal than the man's urge to mount and *********.

But it's scary how many women I've seen who just "want that baby" and rush into it not really understanding that it actually means "creating a new human life".

"It's the mother saddened and the daughter that's ravenous"?

It's not about the mother being sad. And if the daughter is ravenous, guess who made her that way? If your child is happy, congrats, she's happy because of you. If your daughter is a brat, this is also caused by you. If your daughter is a spiteful, manipulative jerk who hates you, still your fault. You caused her, you take responsibility for her. If you cannot, then don't make children.

Sorry but you are wrong. The woman turned her back on her teenage daughter to raise someone else's kids. She threw away the relationship years ago and now can't accept that she is to blame.

Well, I'm jiggered if I'm going to leave vvmmm as the only person to buck the trend on this thread. I'm a daughter who deliberately chose to distance myself from my mother, too.

It's not jealousy that I picked up in ThisTooShallPass' post, but a pervading sense of victimhood. A sense that things keep happening 'to' her rather than she being an active agent in the story of her own life, and that she believes herself to be helpless within it. To believe in our helplessness is a mistake many of us make so I see where she's coming from when she describes the story of her relationship with her children and nieces, but that doesn't change the fact that her sense of victimhood really seems to have prompted some of the problems she has faced.

I notice a trend with many of you mothers who have posted here: a common belief that your daughters should get over whatever grudge they're holding against you. You're talking about your daughters as if they are, and always have been, as strong as you. As if they came into your lives as fully-fledged adults. But daughters will always see their mothers differently from the way they'll see any other human being in this planet. Remember, once upon a time you were the only person keeping her alive. You had absolute power over her, and she knew it. Whatever you'd have done to her at that time, she would have tolerated - because she had no other choice. If you did anything that made her seriously angry or sad or afraid then she would remember that, and when she was able, she would take steps to protect herself. That is what you're seeing when a daughter steps away from her mother like this. Your daughter will never stop seeing you as 'the big one', as the ultimate protector. So if she feels you did not perform that role adequately then she will always react strongly, whereas she wouldn't to anybody else. Only you can press her buttons so powerfully.

I'm saddened to read so many mothers calling the next generation ungrateful. To me, mothers who believe they are owed the kind of gratitude you seem to be expecting are the ones who are least likely to accept their daughters' right to make her own choices. And that right is a valid one. For myself, it is not that I am ungrateful for the time and resources my mother put into raising me, but at the same time I do not accept many things she did to me. Mistakes are one thing, but smoking in front of me for all of my childhood and having a (very scary) tantrum at my 6-year old self when I asked her to stop (for her own sake, mind you, not for mine) was not the best parenting decision she could have made. There are many other examples I could cite, but that one encapsulates her attitude towards me and my childhood needs best. Of course I want to protect myself from her. Why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't any daughter?

I repeat: your daughters are not like every other human out there, who you might 'make mistakes' with and who should just get over those mistakes and forgive you. Your daughter was absolutely, unreservedly dependent on you. Her innermost self developed in response to the way you parented her, and if she had to protect herself from you then that self-protection will be in every nook and cranny of her personality. To ask her to get over it is like coring an apple. Do you know what happens if you take the core out of an apple? It turns to brown mush and dies. Likewise, for your daughter to *not* protect herself would lead to her self-destruction. She will always protect herself from you, and if that means staying away from you then so be it.

I divorced my mother - and father and brother - in November 2013. I am the least vulnerable I have ever been, but I still wanted to get away from her toxicity because I still found that I could be infected by it, weakened by it. I'd wanted to get away from her since my early teens and had been making concrete plans to leave since March 2013, so I'm glad to have finally made the break. She can't hurt me any more.

I know that she loves me and that this divorce has hurt her, and that she has a long history of tragedy - not unlike you, ThisTooShallPass. I'm well aware that this is just one big, sad story from everyone's perspective. I wish it wasn't like this. But there is nothing in that relationship that is good for either of us.

For me, I gave her chance after chance to change her ways, and yet over the years she has betrayed me again and again. Even during 2013 when I was 30, she still showed that she didn't trust me (she refused even to tell me about the finances of the family business, even though she'd been promising to hand the reins over for 5 years) and was prepared to stab me in the back (she talked with the rest of the family about what a drag it had been that I'd watched the same cartoons over and over as a small child, while in the next room I cooked my first Christmas dinner for the self-same family. She's always had a bit of a thing about keeping me 'little' and denying my adulthood) and lie to me (she told me the elderly family dog had osteoporosis in order to justify having him put to sleep, even though he had never been diagnosed with it and almost certainly didn't have it on account of being male). There is nothing I want from her that she can give. Don't get me wrong, I am saddened that it came to this. I want my mum. I *really* want my mum. But unfortunately, the woman who happens to be my mum is not capable of a mutually trusting relationship, not even with me.

I couldn't tell you the whole story from her perspective, but I know she has called me a 'mistake' straight to my face (and who knows how many times behind my back?), told me never to have kids because 'they're nothing but trouble', and when both of my brothers divorced her years ago she blamed them for everything while taking no responsibility herself. I'm sure she'll cope now that I'm gone, and if she gets a bit more computer-savvy then I suspect she'll find heaps of validation online, just like you ladies have.

As a young adult I felt so unprepared for life that yes, sometimes I went to her for support or money when I really needed it. I didn't enjoy having to depend on her for that. I wanted the freedom and the self-image of having provided for myself. But the way I saw it, she was responsible for the fact that I was so weakened and she owed it to me to at least offer that little bit of support.

I'm so glad I began my training as a counselor. I've gained so much insight into myself that I've been able to weed out a lot of those feelings of helplessness and become a fabulously capable human being compared to what I used to be, and I'm not done growing yet! I'd recommend counselling training to anybody.

I'll make one final note here, on the subject of personal responsibility. Many of you mothers here have said that your daughters should take responsibility for her own successes and failures instead of blaming you. Absolutely, it is necessary for us to take responsibility for ourselves. But all of us here are daughters and I'm sure every single one of you knows what I mean when I point out that we have a weakness when it comes to our relationships with our mothers. When mum made a mistake, it might have been a small one from a rational perspective, but to vulnerable little us, we experienced something far more extreme. I'm sure each of you can remember examples of this. So before you spit venom at your daughters for not 'getting over it', remember how much your own relationship with your mother still poisons you, how there is still some of that poison in the core of yourself.

Peace, ladies.

Thank you Greenparakeet for sharing the perspective from a "daughter's point of view" on the complications of mother - daughter relationships with us. Clearly this is a complicated, difficult and SAD situation for all involved. Ideally clear communication and the ability for both mother and daughter to move forward instead of holding on to past hurts and resentments is a key to building a solid foundation for a loving, respectful relationship. (In an ideal world. One can wish! ) XOXOX

Thank you for this. I felt the same way reading this story. I feel sorry for the daughter, who went out to find the only family who cared for her (the abuser).\ because her own walked away from her. How can the mom blame the daughter for what she did when the mom wants to be absolved for what she herself did? Seems fairly narcissistic and one sided.

4 More Responses

I can relate to many of your stories here. I am a 49-years old women and I have been going through years of torture from my now 24-year old daughter who I continue to keep loving so much even though I don't feel the love back from her. My story begins when I was 18-years old when I got pregnant. I was a senior in high school and nothing to offer my baby I was about to give birth to. I made the most hardest decision that I would make in my lifetime and give my newborn daughter up for adoption. I wanted was the best for her. I knew if she gets adopted, her life would be better than what I could have offered her at that time. I grew up with very strict parents and I grew up with having not much. My parents didn't really show us the love my sisters and I so yearned for from them. I remember always saying to myself "the day I have a child, I will never raise or hit my child the way I was raised." I vowed I will give my child all the love and attention my child deserved. I promised to be the best mom and give my child everything I never had. At the age of 24, I gave birth to another daughter, she had completed me, she was everything I ever wanted and I promised her that I will take care of her till the day I die. I knew I had to do everything in my power to make sure she has a good life. When my daughter was 6-mos old, I had enough courage to leave my daughter's ***** donor because I found out he was a coke-addict and he owed alot of money to our local drug dealers. I was not going to subject myself or my child to this S@#t!!! I tried so hard to get him clean but he refused - even for his daughter. I moved back to my parents house and worked very hard to take care of my daughter and me. Two years later I met the most wonderful man and the love of my life I call my husband today. He immediately loved my daughter and considered her his own. A couple of months later, I went to live with him and had to leave my daughter to be raised by my parents for a couple of years (she was almost 3 1/2 years old) because I wanted to go to a great school system and where I was living was more like city living. I didn't want her going to a city school. I would go see my daughter all the time and took her home with me on the weekends. I would spoil her with gifts, love, taking her out and doing things with her etc. My boyfriend (now my husband) and I worked hard and within a few years, we were able to buy our first home. My daughter had just turned 9 when I finally got my daughter back to be with me for good. She was the happiest girl in the world and so was I. Throughout her life my husband and I spoiled her. She was a happy child. My husband has been her dad and he is the only dad she knows (the ***** donor is out of her life). She has been a great daughter, always full of love and laughter. We taught her right from wrong, we educated her about life never lying to her about anything...ANYTHING. Any questions my daughter asked me I always answered her truthfully 100%. She was given a very good life. She was given everything!!! My husband and felt we spoiled her way too much. She began developing such a bad attitude with my husband and I when she turned 14 - that was when her hormones were kicking in in full force. We noticed she began to keep her distance from us. She was always so close to my husband and I. She was against everything we would say. Oh... she was a sweetheart and a gem whenever she wanted/needed something from us. I do have to say she was too much like this with my husband...it was more towards me. My husband began to notice (when she began dating), she wanted to be the one in command and in control. One good thing out of this is that my daughter never drank/smoke/did drugs. When she graduated high school and went away to college, her attitude began to change - for the better. She even enjoyed when I would go visit her. When she graduated, she had a hard time finding a job so she joined the Military. I was proud of her. Well, after she graduated boot camp she went off to begin more training at a different state...that is where her whole life came tumbling down. She met a guy and fell madly head over heals in love with him. She decided she didn't want to leave his side when he was being transferred to a different state just 3 mos after she had arrived. I told her to please carry on with her training and they can communicate with one another. I told her if it was meant for them to be together then time will tell. Well like two young birds in love she decided to get married so that she can leave with him. To make a long story short - she got pregnant right after their marriage, she left the military, had the baby, husband went to afghanistan for a 1-year tour, she left him while he was out there, she dated a few guys, my husband and I took care of our grandaughter (who is the love of our life) and she is divorced today. My grandaughter is now 3 years old and her father is in her life twice a year. He is still in the Military and its hard for him to come see her since he lives in one state and we are in another.My husband I told her she needs to get her life in order. She has been living under our roof and we do everything for her and the baby. She does not help out around the house, she does not pay not one dime of rent, utilities, food, insurance, clothes for the baby, etc. My husband and I are the ones left taking care of our grandaughter because she works two jobs, and the only time she spends time with her baby is when she is off two-days out of the week (and its not the weekends). She comes and goes whenever she wants to while I take care of my grandaughter. My husband and I work and we pick up the baby from daycare wed-fri and the weekends we have her all day. My daughter does not have a care in the world. We told her to get a job mon-fri and spend time with the baby - she doesn't. She does have a boyfriend who she constantly goes and visits. He doesn't have a real job but he does make money buy and selling car parts. My husband and I are exausted to no end. All we get is grief and attitude from our daughter. She tells me I am the problem. How can I be the problem when all I did was devote my entire life to make sure she had everything I never had. My daughter had more than most of the kids she went to school with. She contributes absolutely nothing. But when she needs me, I am always there for her. I feel like I walk on egg shells whenever she is around. I am careful of what I say to her because she goes off on me most of the time. Last night is what broke the camel's back. My grandaughter was crying to be with me and my daughter was holding her down and refused for her to come with me. My grandaughter kept crying her eyes out to please let her go so that she can be with grandma and my daughter didn't care - she kept preventing her from coming to me. Well, I couldn't take it anymore hearing my grandaughter crying out my name so I went and tried to remove her from her mother's arms and she yelled out that this is why she hates me so much its because I always go against what she says. I wouldn't go against what my daughter says if she could only stop treating my grandaughter as if she is her little soldier and my daughter is her drill sargent. My daughter said so many hurtful things to me that she even went as far as saying that she hates me, she can't stand being around me, she hates listening to the sound of my voice, she wants to get as far away from me as she can get, she says this is why she doesn't answer my phone calls when I call her or returns any of my texts. My daughter and I were soooo close at one time. She was my little mini me, she was my rock, my world, my best friend....what happen to her??? Where did I go wrong??? What have I done to deserve this??? Why am I being so punished for??? All I did was love my daughter to no end. I was always there for her and all I get is a kick in the butt. My husband is so tired of seeing the way she has treated me for so many years. She listens to him but she keeps telling him that I am the problem. She even went as far as telling him that she does not understand how he is with me, she told him he would be better off without me. How could my own daughter talk about me like this. I feel like she is my worst enemy. I feel that ever since my daughter gave birth to my grandaughter, she began to resent my husband and I. She must feel she no longer gets all the love and attention she once gotten from us and now its all about the baby. We have been dealing with this attitude since she was 14 - but its gotten way out of hand since my grandaughter was born. Everyone who knows me knows how much I love my daughter and knows everything I have sacrifice for her and done everything for her. They know I would take a bullet for her in a heartbeat. I feel as though my daughter is so lost and is crying for help. How can I get her back. I love her so much and it hurts me she is like this with me. I wonder if things will things will ever go back to the way they once were??? I miss the good times I had with my girl and I pray to god I will get my baby back sooner than later. There are times I don't want to live with this pain any longer. Thank you so very much for listening. Sunrise

You described your life then you described a repeat of your life. Your daughter is reliving your life maybe without even realizing it. You left her father he was a drug addict she left her husband he was overseas. Maybe she thought she would find the "love of her life" like you did. You moved back in with your parent be real, there had to be friction there it is extremely hard to share a kitchen. Let alone to have your child be in their grandparents home overriding your decisions for your child. She moved in with you same situation sharing a kitchen and parenting ideas nothing has changed still extremely hard to do. You worked very hard to care for your child she is working 2 jobs obviously working very hard to provide for her child. I'm sure your mother claimed the same thing we do everything for your daughter why do you fight us and not respect us more stuff that you are doing to her. Weather or not she idolised you she became you. I am sure you left your daughter to get a good education and to move on with your life. I am also sure you left your parents house for freedom to be yourself and prepare yourself for the type of parent you wanted to become. I wouldn't be surprised if she left in a year or so going to school to provide for her child. I just hope the granddaughter brakes this pattern that was shown to her as a example of what is acceptable. Because it is not I am sure your daughter holds resentment towards you for leaving her with her grandparents. I hope the granddaughter works or goes to college and works then meats the "love of her life" settles down marries and then starts her family. Because a repeat of this isn't the worst repeat but it is I'm sure sad and frustrating at times.

Having very similar problems.. All I can add here is after 30 years of trying to be a good mum is the fact that she is an adult and is responsible for her own life.. I tried my best and I'm not going to feel guilty or beat myself up anymore! The stress makes me ill and I've had enough... Sending love to all here x

I agree with you, TigerMum. I am a father in a similar position to many Mums in this exchange. I believe I was a good father to all 4 of my children and 3 of them tell me they think so too. I treated all my children equally but nothing I have ever done for my daughter has been enough. Now her mother and I are separated, she is cold and judgmental towards me and only contacts me for things that are important to her. She is 27, in a professional job, intelligent, living with her boyfriend and seems to have many friends, so she's clearly considered by people outside the family to be a nice person. Yet the same is true of me. There must come a time when we decline to allow our lives to be further blighted by toxic relationships. A point comes when, with love, we let our adult daughters move on with their lives in the way they choose and allow ourselves to do so too, rejoicing in those relationships we have that are successful. Parents don't own children, they are just lent to us for a while, to care for them. But children don't own parents either, we are just lent to them to care for them. All people deserve to love and be loved. I am sure everyone here did the best they knew how to do.

Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect
In my professional life I have had many experiences with mother /daughter conflict states. There is the normal cnlict state in which there are differences of opinion which take a minor amount of emotional energy to resolve. Then there are the extreme conflict states, that no amount of emotional energy will resolve. Here one needs to expect and anticipate a mental health disorder. A child, daughrer or son, who has a mood disorder, can fall into the habit of blaming a parent , not realising that mood problems are genetically programmed. A child may then construe situations, previously innocent, as being persecutory in nature and abusive. This then becomes a delusionary disorder. It may increase in intensity until a true paranoid schizophrenia develops. The child does not have insight and does not seek treatment. If an adult person, affected by such a mental disorder, seeks therapy it is usually for the associated mood disorder. The therapist may not contradict the system of delusions that the person has built up over the years, as the person will show extreme hostility to the therapist and vacate therapy. It is not really possible for a parent to intervene and contradict the delusions the child has created to protect itself from the realisation that he/she has a mental health disorder,

There is time when you need to save yourself from rude, lying and hateful adult children. Parents know in in their hearts all the good and caring things they did over the years for their children. Then when some reach adulthood they become critical, hateful and cruel. As you become older, they don't care what happens to you. Do not allow yourself to become ill and stressed. You owe them nothing...they are on their own. Move forward with happy plans for yourself. Do not wait for a crumb of attention to be tossed at you when they want money, etc. Cut them out of your will. That's what I've done and a wonderful feeling of peace has come over me. I have beautiful memories that cannot be taken from me but now I make new memories in my new childless life of freedom.

I think it's timeout ladies take responsibility for your daughter's feelings. I've been estranged from my parents for 8 years now. In their eyes they have done nothing wrong. They miraculously forgot about everything wrong they did. In their eyes they were print of the year. And the things they did remember they tried to justify. This makes me sick to my stomach. That you people sit her like y'all do nothing wrong. If you want to mend the relationship with your daughter take responsibility. Admit to your rings and stop trying to play mother of the year. People don't start hating people they once loved over night for no reason.

Contrary to what some people may think, it doesn't always take "two rights to make a wrong". I believe the brunt of the problem is that no matter what you try to do, give, or be for one another, people are going to always be who they are in their heart. It's those dark places in a person that are normally hidden until you shine a light on them, that shows you the truth of who a person really is to the core. It's each person's responsibility to reach for the light and grow in it, and not to settle for, cling to, that dark side of human nature that we all are born with. As, I've always told my child, "I'm not taking on anyone else 's issues", at one point or another in this life you're going to face the choice of who you want to be. Do you want to walk around this earth being the darkness: with a bitter, unforgiving, selfish, lustful, greedy, self-pitying, mean disrespectful heart, or do you want to be the light: with a loving, kind, forgiving, peaceful, joyful, purposeful heart. Considering we've all been given free will, the choice is an individual one!! The bottom line is, we can't control our kids or anyone else on this earth. We can try to raise and love them to the best of our ability, we can be supportive of them,cry for them, pick them up when they fall and pray for them, but that's all that we as parents can do!! God Bless!!

CORRECTION: posted this too early in the morning for my hands to keep up with my thoughts:

two wrongs don't make a right instead of two rights don't make a wrong!! Also, everybody makes mistakes and nobody's perfect, including parents, but neither side should always have to apologize, that's where that heart of light steps in with the ability to be able to forgive. Three more traits of a heart of darkness are rebellion, anger and hate!!

If someone does something hurtful, or wrong, then they should always apologize. y god, what kind of people raised you to not apologize for hurting someone else's feelings? Maybe people would find it easier to forgive if people were actually sorry for when they wrong someone. And btw, parents are largely responsible for the places their children find themselves. It's not so easy to just "be nice" when you were abused or neglected as a child, or were not taught what love really looks like, etc. There are a lot of people out there that really shouldn't have had kids, but they did, and now are upset that those kids aren't really close to them. There's a reason for that, maybe take a look at yourself in the mirror instead of blaming other people.

And how cold you come off--no wonder your kids aren't close with you. I can just see you wiping your hands of them and just moving on. I feel for your kid(s).

I have been willing to take responsibility so it is not so simple.I never claimed to be mother of the year ! I WAS NOT a bad mother but I am a human being that makes mistakes.I would like nothing better than to sit down with her but she doesn't want to try.The problem is that often our children don't tell us why they left and we are left wondering.

I don't know your situation so I can't comment.My daughter is 33 and I am not responsible for her feelings.They are hers and she is an autonomous human being.

I doubt very much your kid didn't tell you why they left. My mother says the same thing. Except I told her over and over that there were problems, cried and begged and forgave, always came back to believing her when she said things would change....And she doesn't even remember most of it. I suspect you are, like many their parents I find on these blogs, really disconnected from both yourself and how you treat your kids/treated your kids. If you raised your children well, they wouldn't abandon you. So why did they leave? They have no doubt told you, you just haven't listened.

Hi Mirandis: I wondered if you can help me out in understanding why your relationship between you and your parents is like this today???. You said at the end that people do not start hating people they loved once overnight. I totally agree with you in that part. I really would like to know from you how you got to this point with your mom and dad. At what age were you when you began to develop these feeling of not wanting to deal with your parents, listen to them, talk to them, etc. What went wrong??? Where did it go wrong??? Are you an only child??? I am going through very similiar situations as other women here who wrote of their experiences. I try and try so hard to find an answer as to why my daughter behaves the way she does...and I come out empty handed. I truly want to hear your story. I feel by you telling me what went wrong will truly help me understand what I am going through with my princess. I will be checking day in and day out to see if you responded. Take care and be well. Thank you.
Sunshine

Mirandis, great to get some input from 'a daughter' in this conversation. I don't know your circumstances and can only respect your judgment of your situation. I can understand, for example, not forgiving physical, sexual or emotional abuse. I think, though, you're wide of the mark here in the case of ThisTooShallPass. She has been very honest about where she feels she failed her daughter, and it clearly plagues her. Sure, parents aren't perfect; but neither are children, and however they have been raised, some do turn out to be just plain selfish, shallow and/or nasty adults. Even the least pleasant among us was someone's child once. But if children deal with their feelings by treating their parents badly or choosing estrangement, who's going to sign up to be a parent? It doesn't look to me like TTSP is, so to speak, "driving around in a Ferrari living in luxury condos having wild sex with multiple men". Rather it looks as though she has expended herself and her resources -and more - for the good of other people. What about you, do you have children, or planning to? Perhaps wait to hear the 'feedback' you get from your own children in time as they may not tell you what you would hope to hear! I didn't appreciate my parents properly until I had children of my own. And we should be careful - depending what happened - about depriving our own children of grandparents. I was lucky, I had a great Mum & Dad and as a parent myself I made sure my parents were very involved in my own family, until Dad died and Mum became too infirm. I'm sorry to hear of your experience, but when your daughter is in her late 20s or older, whatever the perceived sins, one would hope she was adult enough to find some forgiveness. I hope that perhaps in time you will find a way to release both yourself and your parents so that you can all move on with your lives. I hope the same for myself and my daughter.

Thank you for this.

5 More Responses

I've gone through the same thing with my daughter, so believe me when I say that I understand and I feel your pain. My daughter is putting me through it right now, but I've learned from it and I've grown much stronger from the experience. One of the biggest things I learned is to "owe nobody but to love them". Another is, once I've done all I can do, I've learned how to let go and let God!! You see, He's in control of everything, even our daughters hearts, and when it seems like Satan has their hearts in his grasp and is controlling them, well the God I know and serve is bigger than Satan, shucks He's bigger than anybody, including our daughters strong will!! Just pray and never cease, He's working on it, and she'll come around one day, once He restores the love in her heart. She's in pain right now, just as you are, but Dr. Jesus is a healer. As a matter of fact, He's the only legitimate healer on this earth, and His specialty is broken hearts and broken relationships!! Just have patience and keep the faith, and God will restore everything you two lost!! Love ya, God Bless

Wow, I find it sad that so many religious people turn to an imaginary friend and pray, instead of getting off their ***** and doing something to fix the mess they've made of their relationships with their kids. Glad you've gotten stronger from the experience of losing your daughter. Is she? Poor thing, she deserves a mother, not a cuff on the head for being in need of mother's love :(.

when I goggled 'my adult daughter hates me' I was amazed by what I found.
We had always been close-just the 2 of us.My parent were not going to win any medals and I was determined to. real the cycle.She got angry at me over a misunderstanding though for her it turned out to be more. I was blindsided.I know now some of the mistakes I made but I was always there for her.Now she says I never was and doesn't seem to remember the good times.At all.I have apologized for the things I got wrong .I have asked her to sit down with me and try to fund a way back.She won't even try.I don't understand why.She told me I was a bad mother when I thought it was my one success. Turns my world upside down.She is so filled with anger but won't. talk yo a therapist (she is one).
I am grieving a death but nobody seems to understand.

I keep trying to open a dialog but she. just gets mean and says hurtful things.I accept she has legit grievances and have said so but get nowhere.I don't think anyone should talk the way she has.
The day she was born was the happiest day of my life and now she is gone but I don't understand why she won't eve try.

Love will always find a way. You sound like you were a good mother but not perfect. Well, stand in line with the rest of us humans. Nobody's perfect but Jesus Christ. Whatever you do, don't take on your daughters issues or let her unwillingness fill you with guilt. You can help her carry her burdens, ( her troubles she'll face in this life and will need your support and guidance), but don't you dare take on her issues. Regardless of how she acts, what she says or does, you do you. You continue to be that same loving mother you've been since the day she was born, Don't take on her anger or any other of her issues. Sometimes we just need how to listen and not talk. Be still and know that I am God. If you know how to love, which is obvious you do by your statement, and she no longer wants to acknowledge it, or knows how to give it in return. Then I know this is hard to do, but let it go (her), and when she's had enough of this world and all of the hate in it, that's nothing like her mother's love, something inside of her will click, and it will come to her, and she'll come back to you with open arms, and she'll never forget how to love and her mothers love again!! Just be patient and remain that loving mother that you are, every time she comes around, most of all pray for her. Once again, love will find a way!! Once it does, your relationship will be stronger than it was before. She still loves you, she's just a little lost and confused right now. All good things come to those who wait. God Bless

I absolutely get grieving a death and nobody understands. I cant sleep at night I cant understand how my daughter could hate me so much to disown me. I have thought about not wanting to be alive.The days are good I stay busy and pretend. No one understands the pain .Iv'e tried to let go of her, Iv'e tried to pretend she never was, Ive taken her pictures of my home . Somethings Ie done seem ridiculous but I don;t know what else to do. Iv'e tried praying . I have written many many letters that have never been sent.
My mother doesn't understand and says I am to sensitive. She does not want to get involved .This hurts me even more.
No one in my family holds onto grudges and treats people like she has. I want to tell her that my mother gave custody of me to my dad at 12 because she met a man who didn't want us kids.I was passed back and forth from grandparents and back to my dad where I was sexually abused by his friends. I just couldn't tell her because she has a good relationship with my mom and I don't believe in hurting others for my benefit I want to tell her I never stopped loving my mother , I never held grudges. I want to tell her and hope that it is true that someday she will want her mother. I need some help before I let this destroy my life

How could your mother think you are being too sensitive?It is your daughter,you love ,you cared for her,put her needs before your own.Besides love, there is just that connection that can't be put into words
I too took down photos of my daughter but all the memories are still there.

I know that the holiday season is harder (than usual) this year but somehow you have to live you own life.I am still a work in progress too.Finding this place has been helpful for me since at least I know I am not the only one.

I was estranged from my mother but I never stopped loving her.I understood why she made mistakes.She is an alcoholic,had me when she was 19 and came from a less than ideal home.I had to back away for my own health and to protect my daughter but I told her why.I told her if she went into treatment I would be there for her.This is not my daughter's situation.

Most of my mistakes with my daughter (from what she has said) seem to revolve around some events that I didn't know.She was a teen and has boasted about how good she is at keeping secrets.So how WAS I supposed to know!?So now she has been in a couple of abusive relationships ,which I also don't understand, and her bad choices are my fault because I was such a bad mother.She is 33.

I am beginning to realize that these are her issues to deal with and although I would love to help her heal,whatever it takes,if she walks away there is little I can do but be there when and if she needs me.

The way she talks to me now is verbal abuse and I told her that I am here if she wants to talk but I will not be in the line of fire anymore.it hasn't been productive.I really hope she can get on the other side of this anger even if she still wants nothing to do with me.

I miss her so very much.

So....your estrangement from your mother is understandable but your daughter's with you is not? Hmmm, you may want to more closely examine this situation...... She probably got verbally abusive because you didn't respond to anything else. Once there it's hard to stop, especially when mom isn't doing anything to help it.

I feel for your daughter, she got a bad break in the mom dept, as so many of us have. I don't think most people having kids should have them. Or they should take parenting classes. Just because you did the best you could doesn't mean you did a good job and doesn't mean you should ever have tried. Can you blame these kids for resenting poor upbringings and childhoods? I keep hearing about how mom's did the best they could....well, so did the kids. Except the kids were KIDS and very vulnerable and impressionable. So what was a passing phase or a difficult time for you was THEIR ENTIRE CHILDHOODS. It formed who they are. But now you resent what they are because they aren't pleased with you? Glad you could move on, not surprised they couldn't.

I understand and I know it's hard honey, because I still struggle everyday with this myself, but the one thing that keeps me strong and gives me any kind of peace is my faith, and knowing one day that "this too shall pass", and when it does, me and my daughter will be stronger, and happier in our relationship then we ever were before!! I've also struggled with the thoughts of suicide, because yes, the pain is that great. Nobody will understand your pain, not even friends and family members unless they've gone through it themselves. Yes, the nights are the hardest for me also, but keep in mind that God is always there for you to help you get through them. Just take it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time!! I never removed my daughters pictures either. As a matter of fact, I keep one of me and her right next to my bed in my bible, and whenever I start feeling bad and missing her, I open up my bible and look at us, and think about the happy times we once shared. Knowing that one day we'll share them again. Then I read my bible and it reaffirms and strengthens me, and I go to sleep peacefully. God Bless, remember though it doesn't feel like it sometimes, "this too shall pass". Oh yes, and stop torturing yourself trying to figure out the what's ,the why's ,and the why not's. Thinking about it too much will drive you crazy also. Just accept it happened and it's out of your control and let go and let God and move on. I'm always here for you and anyone else if you need encouragement or support. I check this page daily, just leave a post or me a message, I'll see it. God loves and hasn't forgotten any of us, and He will heal and restore your relationship!! God Bless, Love Ya!!

You should have told her. Secrets never do anything but tear people apart. Do you let your kids around this father of yours and his friends?? Or did you ever??

It sounds like you are the victim here instead of the mom--try getting some help so you can be a mother to your daughter instead of a burden. If you want to be her mom, you need to act like a mom, not a victim.

Thanks that's a lot of advice from someone who read a short paragraph and a lot of judgement also. No she was never put in the position to possibly be sexually abused. Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

Acceptance, ladies, is the key. I had to grieve first, though. I had to let myself feel the deepest pain and get on the other side of it. Christmas 2012 was so painful & difficult. I had a break down of crying so hard that it scared me. I never cried that hard before. Somehow letting myself feel this grief was healing. I got on the other side of it. I still feel sad sometimes. I think of my daughter who has not spoken to me for a year & a half now and the tears do well up in my eyes. But the pain is different. I'm in a better place. I accept that I have no control over her choices. I've learned to be happy again.

She probably has, but you haven't noticed. I've found that mothers (particularly my own) simply do not hear what their daughters tell them, only what they want to hear. This is very sad, perhaps you should see a counselor to help you figure out why you don't pay attention to your daughter's words?

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. So many of the things you said are identical to my relationship with my daughter (or should I say, her relationship with me?) I especially relate to this: "I know now some of the mistakes I made but I was always there for her.Now she says I never was and doesn't seem to remember the good times.At all.I have apologized for the things I got wrong ."...and this: "I keep trying to open a dialog but she. just gets mean and says hurtful things.I accept she has legit grievances and have said so but get nowhere."...And your last sentence made me cry! "The day she was born was the happiest day of my life and now she is gone..." I love her so deeply so why does she feel the need to punish me? Why does she choose to focus on all the things I did wrong? Yes, I made mistakes. I have many faults, to which I readily admit. The pain of it all is so overwhelming sometimes-- to have someone you love judge you so harshly. Thank you again for letting me know I'm not alone in my frustration and pain.

7 More Responses

My 43 year old daughter hates me also. Her father and I divorced when she was 21 not too many years after I remarried and had another child. My grandchildren and my small daughter grew up together but as time went on my daughter became increasingly distant and nasty. She is now 43 years old and divorced twice and now going with a very nice man but treats his family like they are hers. She told me that I do not treat her as well as her sister who is only 18 now and that she feels like she has no parent, she is also treating her father the same way even though he has never remarried and has no other children. She has turned my son who is 40 against me also and now he feels that I am favoring my younger daughter over them also He is also married with children. I have no idea what I ever did to push them away my younger daughter was a child of course I would pay more attention to her than my grown children , my older daughter also have turned my grandchildren ( her children) agains me apparently because they no longer visit me . My younger daughter has tried to build a relationship with her sister but my older daughter wants nothing to do with it. I finally realized that there is nothing I can do anymore if she feels this way I have been dealing with this for about 7 years now and it has just gotten worst. I have no idea what to do anymore.

I can sure relate Jane! I took in my three nieces when their mom was going thru some tough stuff. They lived with me for five years. They were minors--- the youngest only 5 when they came to live with me. My daughter was 20. At the time, I didn't see that my daughter felt displaced. In my mind she was an adult & the three young ones needed much more from me than my daughter did. I really think her beef with me comes down to this though she won't admit that. Maybe even she doesn't realize it. My situation also went on for years before she finally stopped speaking to me altogether.

Here's the thing: what if we totally screwed up...I mean, talk to us. Let's have a mature conversation, right? If she would have deigned me with the honor of explaining how & why she felt hurt I would have done everything I could to make things right. I would have told her I didn't realize I was hurting her & I regretted that I didn't see it at the time because the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt her...but if they won't give us a chance, what can we do?

My daughter didn't speak to her father for many years. It's my turn now.

Life's too short. I did everything I could do to get it straightened out with her. She chooses to keep me out of her life & that's her choice. So be it. Can't change her. Can't fix her.

Thanks for writing!!! Please hang around. :)

PS. My nieces....guess what? She's very close to them now and they don't speak to me either. Heartbreaking stuff.

That is sad about your nieces my daughter is doing the same thing with her brother,she didn't talk to him for a while now that she started talking to him again telling him how I favor my younger daugher, I guess he doesn't want to have his sister not talking to him again.So he and his wife are kissing my older daughters butt to be nice to her It really makes me wonder what happened. She grew up with everything she wanted a loving large family and tons of friends in our lives. She is also now also avoiding her cousins along with her aunts and uncle. My brother, wife and his daughters keep on asking me why she doesn't take their phone calls or emails. I have no answer for them. The holidays are coming and we always celebrate them at my home and the past two years she just didn't show up on thanksgiving or Christmas eve, but did come Christmas day for her gifts, this year she invited everyone that usually comes to my house over to hers without even telling me that she planned to do it for Thanksgiving. She sent me a text and told me that if I wanted to come that I was invited. I don't really know if I should go or if I should stop trying to get her back and just stay home. ( my younger daughter doesn't even want to go she asked that we stay at home)

Btw my younger daughter is so different from her sister, sweet, loving and my best friend I don't know how two sisters can be so different. I am very lucky

Thanks for your reply. I have no idea how this started she seems to attach herself completely to the family of who ever her friends at the moment. She did not come to my house again for the holidays but made sure i saw pictures of her helping her boyfriends mother prepare thanksgiving dinner . I am beginning to think that I should just not try any longer . This has been going on for quite a few years now and I think it is time to give her what she wants that is not to hear from me. Her brother is annoyed and not talking to me because apparently he feels I try and give her to much to win her back so now he is not talking to me! Maybe it us time to give them what they apparently want me out if there lives To tell you the truth I have cried enough. I guess if someone doesn't want to be bothered why should I try and change their minds life us to short to be sad !

PS. Sorry hope this last post made sense, wrote it so fast, and than couldn't find an edit button to correct it

3 More Responses

Hi, I am currently going through something similar with my daughter. I was 17 when I had her. She is now 28 and blames me for everything that has not gone right in her life.
I've talked with some very knowledgable people about it and they've told me that she uses her anger at me as an excuse so that rather than work to better her life she can just sit back and say it's all because of my mom. I suspect it may be the same with your daughter.
I have recently used a bit of reverse psychology on my daughter. I told her exactly this, "If you want to keep blaming me for your mistakes then go ahead. I have taken all the disrespect and anger from you and yet I've kept helping you and loving you and begging you to forgive me for whatever you feel I've done. But I will not ask you anymore. If you want to keep treating me this way then don't come to me for help. Don't come to me at all until you're ready to treat me with love and respect like I've treated you."
So far it's working. As long as your daughter knows she's hurting you she will keep behaving this way. Take the power back from her and demand the respect you well deserve. She is taking her anger at life out on you because she knows you will stay and take it. Stop beating yourself up over mistakes you made in the past. We cannot change the past. Now you have to forgive yourself and move forward. Stop taking it from her and show her that you will not stick around and take it anymore.
I hope this helps. I would love to stay in touch with you. If you would like that as well then please respond to my message and I'll give you my email address.
Take care and may God keep His hand on you always.
Robin

Thanks Robin: I hear what you are saying. I too had my daughter when I was 17. She is now 36. I have done exactly what you have before, and she still did not talk to me for almost 2 years. I am now working on accepting that she will never change and this dance will continue if I allow it, so I am removing myself from the dance and grieving for my losses. I am starting to volunteer again. I have 2 clients that really are lonely and need help. One is a girl is 12 years old in a wheel chair and the other is an elderly lady with no family and is afraid that she will die alone. I am trying to focus on people who will really appreciate a person like myself, and if my daughter wants me back in her life, it will be up to her this time. I have been through this too many times to say, so now I am praying for strength to look out for me first for once this time. I have always been "the better person", and it does not make anything better, so now I am being real, and taking many peoples advice and look out for me first this time. It is so hard, but I am taking it one day at a time. I am so done with the abuse. Some said it right that we suffer from "battered nest syndrome" with daughter who behave this way at thier ages. I know how hard change is....how are it is to loose weight, stop smoking, stop swearing, etc....change is difficult and almost impossible for most people to change their character....so I pray for acceptance of the thing I cannot change....the courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the difference...

Hi Robin! I agree completely. My daughter is the same age as yours. Thing is, my daughter doesn't speak to me anymore so I can't communicate to her. But, at some level, I think she's an angry, unhappy person who wants to punish.

Hope you'll stay with this group! Thanks for writing!

Thank you for writing me back. Its crazy how much we have in common. My daughter is also angry but will not tell me why. We are not speaking at all as of 3 weeks ago when she started a fight with me. She is forever trying to punish me but refuses to tell me why. Now, as always, she is angry so she wont allow me to talk to my grandson who is the love of my life. He and I are very very close and I know its hurting him that she wont allow him to call me. She is selfishly using him to hurt me...but its hurting him just as much, if not more.
I am so happy to have found this wonderful site and this group. Please keep me updated on your situation.
Robin

Why would she be that way? Why would she disassociate herself with you for no reason? Why????? Oh let me guess you were the best mother and never made a mistake. Everything she feeling is her fault?

Sometimes we want you to take responsibility for your actions. Stop acting like you did nothing wrong. She shouldn't have tell you what you did to her.

You have it exactly right ! : ) good for you !

3 More Responses

Well, I have figured out how to spend Christmas day this year. My husband is going to his mothers and I am going to help serve Christmas dinner at the salvation army soup kitchen. This way, I do not have to try to put on a face for others. I can just blend in and hopefully I will be able to help some one else through the day as well. I have decided to do some Christmas shopping and drop off some gifts to some people who I know will that will appreciate a helping hand.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I went Christmas shopping with my husband so he could buy presents for his kids and his grand daughter. It was so hard. I managed to keep my tears to myself as I won't be doing any Christmas shopping this year. I don't know how I'm gonna get through the holidays this year. I'm thinking of heading to the dessert for a vacation. Gotta get away. I do not want to celebrate Christmas this year at all. I prefer to just go somewhere by myself and hide away for the holidays. 42 days to go. I miss my Charlie girl so very very much. She was always there for me when I was low and couldn't depend on anyone to be there for me. Charlie was always there loving me. I still cannot believe that God had to take her home so soon. She gave me reasons to carry on. Now I struggle for meaning and acceptance of my situation. It is so hard sometimes when you have such an ingrate daughter who keeps four grandkids to herself. I hate that I am growing old alone. I keep praying to God to help show me a new way to live.

I am praying for you also. I cannot even imagine how much you are hurting and it hurts me to know it. Please try to look to God for meaning and acceptance. He is there and He loves you and does not want this for you. I'm no preacher. I'm just someone who has learned to depend on God for everything and He has never let me down.
Please know that just by posting your story you are helping others like you know that they are not alone. That is huge.
You deserve to be happy. It is so unfair what your daughter is doing to you. I dont think I will ever understand how anyone could treat their mother the way our daughters have treated us. Where do they get off acting this way after all we've sacrificed for them?! It makes me so angry. I am past the point of hurt and now I'm just angry and resentful. May God forgive me. I do not want to feel this way. I have to find a way to forgive my daughter...not for her...but for me. For my peace. But forgiveness does not mean that we have to just sit and take what they're doing. I will not rest until my daughter either gets help and treats my grandson better or loses him to me or my sister. My daughter's feelings are no longer my concern. ALL of my concern is for my grandson. After all, she hates me already right? So what do I have to lose? I cannot stand the thought of my grandson coming to me in the future and asking, "Why didnt you help me?" "Why didnt you get me out of there?" What could I say? That I was worried that my daughter would be angry?? I can no longer sit back and do nothing while she mistreats him and turns him into what she has become. Its time to take action. I'm thinking of consulting an attorney. I'm going to pray about it first and then I will let you know what I find out.
Stay strong,
Robin

I am praying for you too Robin. You are in the worst situation a daughter can ever put her mother in. I take my hat off to you for standing up to her and looking out for your grandson. He needs you so much. I believe you are doing the right thing. Even if you were not successful in obtaining custudy of your grandson, it will make his life better because your daughter will know that she has to do right by him or loose him, and he will know that you tried. One suggestion I would have is to retain any paper work and/or keep a diary so that you can show him when he is older. My grand kids are older 9, 10, 12 and 14 and they know me pretty good. I kept the paperwork from when my daughter was young and was acting out getting in trouble etc. and I am glad I did because my daughter has told the kids so many lies about her upbringing that I have had occassion to refer to documents to show them who is really lying. One example of this was when my daughter was 12 she meet a foster kid who convinced her that she should also be one. She figured she would be able to do whatever she wanted and no one could do anything to her as long as she wasn't breaking the law. Well, the head of family services in our community was friend with my boyfriends dad. He convinced me to let her go to a foster home for 3 months to give me a break so that I could finish college and she would be in a safe place. I did not want to but he convinced me that I could take my daughter home anytime I wanted to and that I was not giving her up. I told them ok but not to let my daughter know this because she would manipulate me to bring her home once she realized what she had done. Well, the worker placed her on a farm outside of town so she had to ride the bus to and from school or else one of her foster parents would go get her. She did well in school and I finished college. It devasted me that she wanted to go into foster care, but once I realized that it would be a good thing for both of us, I let her go. The day the worker picked her up. He had a pick up truck and my daughter took almost everything she owned. The worker told her that generally when he picks up a child to go into care, they are lucky to have a suit case. My daughter almosted filled the back of his pickup with her stuff. Anyway, my daughter's spin on this is that I didn't want her anymore so placed her into care. This she told my grandkids, so I showed them the paper work to show them this was far from the truth. I am so glad I kept all the paperwork now so my grandkids have evidence. Stay strong for your grandson Robin.

Kimberly.

Hello everyone. Sorry to say I am in the same situation and for the past 24 years. Ever since my daughter turned 12 years old, she changed from my best friend to my worst enemy. She discovered that she could basically do whatever she wanted and there wasn't much I could really do about it. She had a 38" chest at age 12 and I think she discovered that she could get what ever she wanted from men at a very young age. I tried family counciling, home based family treatment, support groups, and seen a physcologist. I tried everything to ensure that I was doing right by her as I grew up in a very violent home and was basically on my own since age 13, so I did not want my kids to experience anything that I had as a child. I told them I loved them everyday and made sure I gave lots of hugs and attention, as I cannot remember getting any hugs from my mother until I was 30 years old. My father was killed at age 34 when I was nine and my mother was 32 left with 7 children. She married a very abusive child molester who beat her and us kids. Most of us were out of the house before we were 15 years old because of the abuse. I later did a thesus on pediphilia in University and this is what they do. They beat the mother into submission and get rid of the older children so they can have their way with the youngest. Anyway, our childhood was a mightmare to which most of my siblings have not and probably will never recover from. I went for therapy when my daughter turned 12 so that I would not end up abusing her, as she was out of control. She would take off when she felt like it. The police were no help. I tried to convince them that where she was running to that the adults there were contributing to the dilinquency of a minor. They told me that there was no such charge and to leave her there that eventually she would come home as no one really wants to support your kid. They were right and she was home within 2 weeks. Her friends would tell her that they wished I was their mom. She recented me for this. Anyway, she would take off for a few months and I would always take her back home when she was used up or whatever. She would stay home for a few months and get sick of rules and take off again. She drove me insane with worry.

She has throughtout her growing up tried to replace me with other so called mothers. It hurts so much. I was a single parent for 16 years and put myself through college and university inorder for them to have what them needed. I was married with 2 kids and divorced by the age of 19. I got my truckers license at age 19 inorder to support my kids and not be on welfare. After a accident in which I broke my back, I rerolled in school and got my highschool and the post secondary education. I eventually had my own contracting medic company and made enough money to buy my daughter a home for cash, and set her up in business. She was now a single parent with 4 kids so I did not want her to end up on welfare or with a man who would not care for her kids. Consequently, she begged me to put the home in her name so that she could eventually buy a bigger home. I did and 2 months later she sold it, closed business and moved. She left with a lot of money in her pocket. I had cosigned for a new mini van for her and when she sold and left she also stopped talking to me and quit making payments on the van.

She is the worst daughter I could ever ask for and one of the worst mothers I know. She cannot get her *** out of bed before 2pm. She makes her oldest daughter be the mother to the other 3. Her oldest is now 13 and really recentful of her and is starting to act out. I have tried through the years to address the issues with her children, but I just get banished for trying. I recently had to put my rottie Charlie down as she was dying from bone cancer. I am still devastated as my dog filled the emptiness in my life. After a couple of weeks, I texted my daughter and asked her if she was avoiding my phone calls. I told her that I knew that she knew that Charlie died and that I knew she did not like Charlie, but I hoped that she cared how much I loved her and that I was devastated by her passing. I asked her what she holds against me as I know she recents me for whatever reasons and that I would like to know why. Her response was, " dis your daughter over a ******* dog. Go get ******." She changed her phone number again and blocked me from hers and her childrens facebook pages.

I also only hear from her when she need or wants something. I am trying really hard to say no the next time she is in crisis. I am so done with being a doormat. I am seeing a grief councelor and am now not only grieving for my best friend Charlie, but also for my daughter. To me, now she is dead too. She is now 36 years old and I realize that she will never change. I have told my grandchildren that they know where I am if they should ever need me, but that I am done this her bullshit. I am sure that the grandkids will contact me in the not too distant future as the two girls want to live with me. The oldest asked me to live here just a few months ago but I encouraged her to try to work things out at home as Charlie was dying and I wasn't able to care for her the way she needed. I also tried to get her to contact her dad, but she doesn't want to live with him either.

I am so tired of trying to have a good relationship with a daughter who recents me. She is such a liar as well and has been caught up in a lot of her lies. I feel she trys to keep me out of her life so that she won't get busted for all the bullshit lies. In a way I feel better that I have finally decided to mourn my daughter and not put up with her anymore. I know how hard change is. How hard is it to loose weight, stop smoking, etc. so how hard is it to change you life. Virtually impossible especially when they are the ones who have no problems.

I thank everyone for this site and to know that I am not alone is a real comfort to me. It is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, but for my own sanity, I now tell people that my daughter is dead and that she died in a car accident. As, it hurts, is very embarrassing, that my daughter could be who she is. I studied Child and Youth Care as well in College and I know that I did a good job raising her, but people are who they want to be it is not our fault.

Hi Charliegirl: I read your story and I could really feel the pain. First, I want to say I'm really sorry about the passing of your beautiful dog. Isn't it something that dogs love us unconditionally, yet people can sometimes fall short of that?

Yeah....eventually one gets sick of the emotional pain and doing all the work to reconcile without any honest response on the other end.. I went years like that with my daughter. Sounds like
you & I are in the same place.

So glad you wrote! Right now, there are a group of us who are in the same boat, that I'm trying to get to know each other on this site. I thought it would be nice for all of us to be friends and support each other. So hang around, hopefully we can make something good of this!

Thank you ThisTooShallPass3. I miss my Charlie girl so very very much. She was too young to die. 6.5 years old. She was with me almost everyday of her life. She was not my whole life, but she made my life whole. I am still trying to figure out what to do with myself now that she is gone. I am sure my daughter did not like Charlie because she loved me so much and I took her everywhere with me. She would tell her kids that I treated that dog better than her. That was not true at all of course she was just jealous for some silly reason I cannot understand.

Yes I hear you, that eventually we get sick of all the emotional pain and doing all the work to try to reconcile, and usually when she comes around it is because that she is in crisis and I am a great problem solver. Not, because she loves and misses me and is sorry for being such a b*@ch. I usually overlooks this because I am just glad to have her and the kids back in my life. Now I am trying to be strong and make a life for myself.

I am so glad I found this site. I am sure it is going to help me stay strong THIS time. My heart goes out to everyone too as I know how it feels, and I thank everyone for sharing.

Hi Charliegirl,
My God you have been through so much. I am so sorry for the way you had to grow up and for all that you have been through since. You did not deserve to be treated that way then and you do not deserve to be treated this way now.
I understand some of what you're going through. I had a beloved pet that had to be put down. It may sound funny but it was a little rabbit that lived with me for ten years. He was with me through some of the most difficult times of my life. Having to have him put down was devastating and traumatizing for me. It was 3 years ago and I still miss him and think of him everyday. But I know he is in the greatest place he could be now and he's never going to be in pain again. I am also having problems with my daughter similar to what you are going through with yours.
What your daughter is going through has nothing at all to do with you. She takes out all of life's disappointments on you because she knows you love her and will never truly leave her. She blames you for all of her mistakes so that she will not have to take responsibility for them herself. That is how it was explained to me about my daughter. I believe it to be true. That is exactly why they wont tell us what we did wrong...because they know we did nothing wrong. Everyone makes mistakes and there are no perfect parents but we did out best. Our daughters know that. They're using us as their crutch.
I think it is a miracle that you are doing as well as you are after what you went through growing up. You obviously are a very strong person but I bet you dont even realize it. I am reading a wonderful book that is really helping me. It is called "Healing Your Emotional Self" by Beverly Engel. If you like to read then I hope you will read it. I think it will help you like its helping me.
About your grandchildren, maybe you should welcome them to live with you. They may be able to fill the void in your heart where your daughter was. It would also probably rescue them from abuse. Just a thought of mine. Of course I dont know anything about you or what your home situation is. Please know that I am not trying to tell you what you "should" do. Just trying to offer suggestions.
Again I am so sorry for what you're going through. You are not alone. This is the best and most helpful website I've ever seen. Most of the people here are wonderful and truly care about you and what you're going through. Please feel free to lean on us when you need a friend and please feel free to contact me anytime.
Stay strong, the best is yet to come
Robin

Thank you so much for your great advice Robin. I will look for this book the next time I go to the Library or Book Store. Don't worry about the "should" do thing. I understand that you are giving me great suggestions and I thank you for that. I am also so sorry for your loss of your buddy bunny. I love animals so very much too. What you are saying about our daughters are so true. We have tried our best and want to the very best for them and they definitely take advantage of our loving giving nature. It makes so much sense too that they do not tell us what the problems are so that we can get beyond them. The blame game. I must always try to remember that when the finger is pointing at someone that three fingers are pointing back at them and that the likes and dislikes they are expessing are really about themselves. It is just difficult when it's your kid. You just want to fix what's wrong and you cannot see that there isn't anything that you can fix. Thank you for saying that I am a strong person. I feel that I have had to be my whole life and will have to be for the rest of my life too. My grand kids know I am there for them should they need me I am only a phone call away. I am also so glad to have found this site, as it is hard to find people who understand and do not judge you as an unfit parent when you are/were not. People unfortunately still blame the parent (s). Thanks you again Robin. Your kind words mean a lot to me. I will try to get my hands on that book and let you know what I think of it too. I just read this book called "In the Light of Death" by Timothy Frete. It is a great book too. If you get a chance to read it let me know what you think of it. It is the best book I found so far that expresses my beliefs about life and death. Chat soon. Kimberly

Dear Charliegirl1:

I can relate to your story more ways than one. I feel distroyed inside. I know that its a matter of time for her to move out of my house and that my grandaughter will go with her. I would be completely fine if she left my grandaugher with me, but I know this is not going to happen. For my daughter to tell me that I will never see my grandaughter again is the ultimate hurtful words that she can say to me. There are times that I just want to strangle her or beat her up...but my life is worth more than to wind up in jail and giving her the satisfaction. I am so discusted and so embarrassed by her. I tell her this and I ask her how is it that she get this way. Again, her answers are always "its not me mom"..."its you!!!" Ok, I say, my daughter thinks she is always right. I just have to hang in there and wait and see where this is going to go.

2 More Responses

Oh my God! I cant believe i finally found someone who is going and knows exactly what i been going through!!! I could just sob right now. Oh please keep in contact here!
Im so emotionally sick due to the damage my 26 yr old daughter has done to me. ive honestly been thinking of takng my life because she has taken every person who i love and turned them against me. She even has taken my role towards my grandson and ruined it. the only reasons im here today is my husband sees the truth and understands whats bdeadtohereen going on and the other reason is i may go to hell for killing myself. Thou shall not kill. I plan to tell much much more. i need a friend right now. i cant take it any more

Hi there! Well, I am glad to be a friend and yes I know what you're going through. I am really happy to meet you and talk to you on here! When I was really hurting I went to a therapist and she really helped me. Sounds like you need to talk to someone face-to-face about the pain and loss you're going through. This kind of pain can be really difficult to manage--it can be overwhelming. Talking to a good therapist is just what you need to help you sort things out. I suggest you talk to your supportive husband about finding a good therapist where you live and making an appointment. Nothing takes the place of talking to someone in person! Please let me know your thoughts on this. Thanks so much for writing! I'll be waiting for your response. Take care! Talk to you soon.

Thank you pass sorry for the delayed response. sometime it takes me a bit but i will definitly answer. i have been in therapy off and on my adult life

I hit sent before i finisheđ. anyway i have been activly workibg with my therapist for about 3 yrs. But unfortinately my funds. are limited and can only see her every other week when i know i need to be seeing her twice to get a more agressive treatment. i briefly want to tell you that i was abused as a child and went through treatment for it when i was in my late teens. i then married her father and we had her within a year. i was happy . after she was born things changed and he became.abusive to me in all ways. i strugg

To give her and her brother a normal family. Life . when she turned 13 she changed like overnight. she became avery moody and was lashing out at me. very disrespectful. she was the sweetest little girl before this. i loved her so much. i made sure that nobody had that chance to abuse her. i watched like a hawk while she never knew. Her dad and i divorced when she turned 18.fast foward to. her at age 20.( after yrs of drinking drugs boys. she brike down and told me

The response window keeps moving causing it to send. im on a cell.
she told me her dad had been molesting her since she was. 13.
Right under my nose!!! I never eever knew! Im not me anymore i begged her to let me help her and report it and she refuseed counseling at that time and she would not report it. she was living with him. he paid fir her college car ins. credit card debts and on and on. i went and reported it to our family doctor and my therapist and they bith could not do a damn thing because after 18 she has too. everyone has blamed me for how my kids turned out becazse i left her dad . Friends family will not speak to me because if the lies she has told them. her dad as well. ( i had to kick her out at 19 because she became out of control drinking in my house and the one night at about 11 2 strange young men walked in my apt with back packs on and went upstairs to my daughter and did a drug dral. i booted her out and she went running to dad.
everyone thinks i abandoed my kids for my new husband. she tells people im a drug addict cause i have fibromyalgia and take medication for it. and other health issues due to the stress she im under. i have stop now and go to bed. but i have sii much to get out. do u mind id if i message u tomorrow. i really want ur advice and want to hear about you and what happenef! Thanks for being here

You are most welcome. Sure go ahead an message me. :)

Your daughter blames you to take the blame off of herself. Sounds like she probably still has a drug problem and deflects her issues by focusing on yours and blowing them out of proportion. You know the saying "when pointing a finger at someone, there is 3 fingers pointing back at yourself." This is so true. When you listen to someone complain about other people, they are really expressing the likes and dislikes about themselves. If her father molested her when she was a child, it is not your fault. Have you told her father what she has told you, if not I would suggest that you do.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I also had suicial thoughts when Charlie died, and my ingrate daughter told me to go get f*@cked. Please do not do this. Your daughter will not regret anything. We make the mistake to believe that one day they will regret their actions, but they don't. They justify them and believe themselves over time. I am also taking an antidepressant now it is called Citaloptam 20 mgs. I am more able to cope these days and do not think of killing myself anymore. I still cry almost everyday, but not all day anymore. I am accepting the things that I can change and accepting the things that I cannot. I am glad that you have a husband for you that understands. I do too because I am sure you feel like I did. A failure for not having a decent daughter who cares. Believe me it is not your fault. She is choosing this and feeds off of your grief. The best thing you can do is try to fill your emptiness with a new life. Take a holiday. It may seem like it will not help but it does. Volunteer if you can and have the time. I take comfort sometimes in the fact that other people have it worse that I do. Sound screwed up but it does help. I now tell people my daughter is dead as people have a tendency to blame the parents for their kids ingratefulness, but it is not your fault your daughter is 24 years old and knows better, but it is easier for her to diss you than admit what a ***** she has been to you. Please talk to your family doctor. I did, and I am doing alot better with acceptance.

I hear your pain. It's been two years and we were best friends. She plays games with my grandchildren and has ruined there relationship with me. I'm not only thought about taking my life once but over and over. I lost my best friend was excluded from her wedding and the two people who are in her ear about me ( my ex best friend) and someone who betrayed the family were the ones in her wedding helping her with plans. I would love to talk to you as I am in the same situation and could use someone to talk to since my husband is tired of hearing about it. But he has been the only one by my side.

Unfortunately or fortunately my grandchildren are old enought to know me, and they know their mother. I have told them a few times that if for some reason their mother does not allow me to see them, that they know me and that I love them, and to come and see me when they get older, or to contact me if they should ever need me. My daughter has always used the four kids as little weapons to get what she wants. She is nacasistic and I am sure that she will be getting her dues soon too as the two girls are into puberty right now and are getting very resentful of her.

I hope you find comfort in sharing here as I know my daughter is 36 years old and I have been going through this abuse for 24 years now and I feel that I am finally strong enough to let go and accept that she is never going to change.

Men deal with things differently than women. Women need to talk and talk about it to try to make sense of it. Men talk about it once and they are pretty much done with it. They go into their cave and deal with it differently. The problem really is that none of it makes sense. You do everything you can to ensure they get everything they need. Expect them to respect that, but they don't. You see, you have always been there, so she does not know really what it is to be abused and want for anything because you have always been there to pick up the pieces. A therapist told me years ago to stop giving so much because when you always give to someone they end up resenting you because they know they do not deserve it and will never pay you back or respect you for it, so you have to become the a@*hole in their eyes, so that they feel good about themselves for taking advantage of you. I am still learning to say no.

We as women were raised to sacafice ourselfs for other, for our family etc. We are really good at giving to others, but not to ourselves. We have taught our daughters to be selfish by always giving in. It is so hard to learn to take back what you need.

I hope this forum helps you too. I know it is so hard to tell anyone else what our daughters are like. No matter how much they say they might understand. It seems that these things sometimes get thrown into your face. Like what happened when she was a child. You must have negected her or something. These are things people will think, but may not say unless mad at you in the future, but we all on here know that we did everything we could for them and maybe that was our biggest mistake. You know the old saying "If if didn't kill you, it made you stronger." Well our daughters are very weak because they have never had to be strong.

Your daughter was pure ignorant for doing what she has to you. Try to live. Be spitful to her in the way that you find a way to have a life without her. If she treats you like she does, she cannot treat her children much better. So, pray that someday they will come to you, as kids are not dumb, they will realize that things do not quite add up.

Try to make new connections. I am trying to and I plan to tell my new friends that my daughter died that way I do not have to try to get them to understand how a daughter can be so horrible all by themselves. Also, I believe that by mourning her as dead will help me get closure because I am so very tired of her bu**s@it.

Maybe while your daughter is looking for the mother she claims she doesn't have, you could look for a daughter that you never had. My accountant who is my daughter's age aways tells me that she wishes I was her mom. Maybe I'll take her up on that.......I say these words to you as I say them to myself. I do not know you, but I care about you already. You are in my prayers that you can find some peace. Please stop thinking about ending your life, and start a new life today. Take care. Your new friend Kimberly.

To Deadtohermom:

Please hang in there. I feel the same as you. The reason why I chose to move on is because I too have a husband who loves me to no end and knows the problem is not me like my daughter loves to say. It hurts my husband so much to see how our daughter treats me. He tells me he is so hurt and there are times he is considering taking his own life because of this BS. I have done absolutely nothing but love her, be there for her and take care of her. I have always told my daughter there will be plently of people that will come and go in her life - but when it comes to me, I will be the one who will always have her back. Well, I guess my words went unheard. Everything I have done for her went unoticed. She just loves to put me down and throw me under the bus whenever she can. Anything I say she is not interested in hearing. She treats me like I am not even there in my own home. My husband and I are so done with her. Even if it breaks my heart I am tired of being abused by her mentally. She says to the the day she moves out - I am never going to hear or see my grandaughter again...and this is what is going to kill me the most. When that day comes - I really don't know what I am going to do. This is too depressing to talk about and I do plan on calling up and making an appointment to see a Psychologist. I know I need help coping with this issue. Thank you for listening to me as I know you can relate to my story.

8 More Responses

I can feel your pain. My adult daughter and I were very close for the past eighteen months. Suddenly and without warning on August 26th of this year, she cut me out of her life completely. She refuses to see me or talk to me. I haven't seen or talked to her for 77 days. I love with all my heart and I miss her so very much. It's as if she died and I'm mourning her loss. I'm grief stricken. I cry off and on day and night. Every night when I go to sleep, I pray to God that he be merciful and not let me see the next morning. I'm sorry I can't say more because at this moment I'm very Emotional and the tears won't stop. My fondest regards, Anthony

Hi Anthony yes we know how each other feels & there is some comfort that someone understands, that we're not alone. It's been over a year for me-since August 6, 2012. I just had a birthday...I hoped maybe she'd at least call but nothing. Last Christmas season I had a cry that was more intense than anything I've ever experienced. I know this thanksgiving & Christmas will be without her but this year I'm going to surround myself with people who do love me & care about me & I'm not going to let her absence ruin my holidays.

It's like a death but a death they choose. It's especially difficult when they won't communicate with us even when we want to understand their beef with us & make it right as best we can. This kind of rejection goes deep & can trigger all kinds of painful emotions. It's really, really hard.

Your daughter has made a choice, Anthony. It's not the choice you would have made. She's an adult and she's free to make her own choices no matter how much she may harm others or harm herself. We are free beings. This is not your fault. You did the best you could with what you had. If you want to stop feeling this pain, you can grieve it and let her go. You can accept what you cannot change. You can love her from a distance... In your thoughts & in your prayers, accepting her choice as reality.

I'm really glad you wrote. Next time you have a cry, remember there are people out here who've been right there where you are & we are here for you.

Hope to hear from you again. Take care.

Dear ThisTooShallPass, Everything you write here makes me feel better. I have come to realize that my 25 year old has chosen her father's family over me (I have very little family, only my other daughter.) My daughter (I'll call her Candace, not her real name) is right here in town right now, visiting with my ex-husband and his huge clan. This man is an abusive alcoholic who nearly beat me to death when Candace was 6. I am sure she remembers this. Yet, I gave birth to Candace so that she could have the pleasure of this large, close-knit family. I just didn't realize that she could be so down-right cruel as to completely exclude me when she went over to "their" side. Candace is a successful photographer and college graduate thanks to the help I gave her. No one on her dad's family has ever graduated from college. They are wealthy, and I am not. They call themselves Christians, yet have no compassion for their granddaughter's mother. It's Thanksgiving, my dear daughter is only a few miles from here, I have no one, she has everyone...you would think that ONE of them would say, "Maybe your mom is lonely today. Why don't you give her a call?" Two years ago, I had a nervous breakdown and was diagnosed biploar, and a lot of my friends and family turned on me then. It's not my fault that my moods fluctuate; I do my best to keep things under control, but who WOULDN'T be depressed being alone on Thanksgiving? The only thing I have to look forward to now is showing up at 4 am to work at the mall on Black Friday. I need the money so desperately; I am broke. Back when I had my breakdown, Candace said to me, "I only want to know you when you are healthy and happy, like you used to be. I know that sounds cruel, but that's the way it has to be." Yes, I realize now, that sounds very, very cruel. I think I have passed the point of no return today, with Candace. I can't go on letting her hurt me over and over again. I am just going to let her go, as hard as that will be fore me. By the time I was Candace's age, I had already been without a mother for 7 years, and there were so many times over the years when I really wanted my mother. How is Candace going to feel about herself after I am dead and she can no longer make amends? All I know is that--if we are going to have a relationship again--she is going to have to do most of the work. But don't mean to digress, ThisTooShallPass. Your advice to put her behind me and go on is the thing I must do.

Hello Anthony. I can also feel your pain as most of us on this site can. I think that the weaker we feel the stronger they feel. Because they are hurting us so badly, they feel justified in their actions. Maybe if you try to have a life without her, she just might loose her power and want you back in her life. At least if you try, you might find something that can help you fill this emptiness. I am really trying too. Life is too short. When my best friend Charlie was dying, I would say if today was my last day would it be the best it could be. I tried so hard to make every last day for Charlie the best for both her and I. I have had a lot of losses in my life. The loss of my daughter has been ongoing for 24 years now. So now I am trying to live my life as if my days are numbered too as we all know that they are and I am not going to waste too many more crying over someone who does not care that I am hurting.

I also prayed to God to take me home too. I had a lump on my breast and was hoping it was cancer, so I could be with my best friend in heaven. I was going to refuse treatment and everything and when they told me it was just a sist, I was disappointed. I have gotten over those thoughts and feelings and realize that life is short and I'm going to spight my daughter and live. Please do the same.

First, you sound like an amazing mother. I hope you realize that none of us are perfect in any capacity. All that matters is that we make every attempt at perfection and correct our wrongs with sincere apology and reconciliation. From what I've read in your post it sounds as though you've done just this. Still, yours is only one side to a multifaceted truth. Your daughter's account represents just another facet to what plagues your relationship, but between you and her it is totally foremost that you two sit and seriously talk things through.

Sometimes, I wish there were padded "conflict rooms" where people can talk through their differences in a kid-safe environment because pouring feelings is undoubtedly messy.

Also, it sounds as though your daughter needs to take responsibility for her own misinterpretations in how she perceives your parenting to her.

You may also want to brainstorm where you erred. Just from reading, and while I understand that love makes us go great distances for the person receiving our love, the fact still remains that in everything there must be healthy boundaries, and you seem to have neglected to set firm boundaries for yourself and your daughter. Your daughter knows that although you only show initial resistance and will eventually give in to her requests. This is not a good thing. You should have set more reasonable expectations for her during childhood where No only meant no and yes was conditional pending desirable action from your daughter. Now, because this was not there, your daughter does not seem to understand the necessity for boundaries and healthy decision making and lifestyle choices.

Moving forward, which is all we can do in life, you and your daughter really need to talk. If she refuses to speak to you then lead by example and get creative in the ways you try to reestablish a connection with her. Send her flowers with a note that reads, “Let’s talk today at 7pm” with your number beneath. It may sound corny, but often doing something unexpectedly sweet is a good way to break barriers and secure a difficult person’s interest. Then plan what you need to talk about. Do not point fingers. Rather say things like “I felt… because ‘this’ happened” rather than “ ‘You’ made me feel… because ‘you’ did this…”

I also have excessive problems with my mother-daughter relationship too. My mother was simply unavailable to provide good parenting, belittled me, abused me emotionally, unnecessarily “disciplined” me and almost never had my back and supported my endeavors. She also abandoned me, at first to spite me which she readily admitted and then for good. She tried to kill me a few days before my 16th birthday which led to me being locked away for safe keeping so that I would have no way of remotely running into her. Whenever I was in a tight spot in college she almost always said she couldn’t do anything for me financially, but worse that she had no words to offer for advice. Despite all this I still tried to be a loving daughter and do things to put a smile on her face… to show her I still love her in hopes of opening communication so that we may reconcile our grieved past. Still, to this day my mother refuses to even explore the areas our relationship falters let alone think that she could owe me any apology.

A few days ago I was feeling entirely sh!tty. I argued with my beloved boyfriend and then my mother totally took his side. It automatically stirred up every ounce of resentment I tried to quash. Then, the next day she called him to check on how he was feeling and never once called me to the same effect. That was the final straw. So I confronted her about it and other random things (as I was just ranting by this point in rage). I still recalled some valid episodes between she and I that were never discussed after they happened… and her cold response was a simple, “Get over it.” Furthermore, in response to her willfully picking up a machete to whack me with she said that she only did it to scare me because I was being rude and that the scar I have from the incident is because I somehow managed to grab the sharp weapon from her and cut myself. She said this to my face without a flinch. I feel like killing myself for what I did next and that is I lunged at her. Grabbed her by the neck and flung her against her dresser mirror and then on to the floor where I continued to hold her in a choking fashion saying things like “now it’s my turn to try to kill you” or something to that effect. I let her up to find my keys and leave and that’s when she grabbed a hammer at me…. Apparently she was “protecting herself’’ so she says. My boyfriend came upstairs and acted as a the great wall of china between us. There was a short tug of war with the hammer to which I pushed into her so that she would stumble a few feet back, I also pulled her hair exposing the soft part of her neck and slapped her rather hard on the side of her face over her ear, but I hope not her temple. It was very violent. I am now 26 years old…. And I imagine that was 26 years of pent up hostility on overdrive, very scary and dangerous.

I do not know when I will speak to her again or if I should at this point. I consider myself spiritual, and God teaches forgiveness as He forgives us… and I have always maintained the interpretation this means once an apology is received. I do not know how to forgive and reconcile without particularly because she is my mother, the only “parent” I have ever had and writing her off forever is a thought that makes my bones shiver is despair and wanton wish for death instead.

So you see, IT IS EXTREMELY important to reconcile regardless of how difficult it might be. Consider there are far worse realities that could be the strife in your relationship but God made it so they are not. To an extent, I believe we are given situations we are fully capable of handling. Just each of you tackle this knowing you will reach an amicable and desirable outcome. Still, I understand the frustration in getting an unwilling person to acknowledge these difficulties in conversation. I wish I took my own advice when I say, “pray about it.”

LaBelleNoire Thanks for the really insightful letter! I agree with all of your points. I feel as you do, that reconciliation is extremely important but I've come to accept that it takes a willing person to accomplish it. I wrote this about a year ago....still no word from my daughter. I just had a birthday and the holidays are coming up again....but this year it will be happier for me.

The key to happiness is acceptance. I know I've done everything possible to reconcile with my daughter....I now accept her choice to live her life without me in it. I just had a birthday and I focused on my son, and the other people who love me, and it was a very happy day.

So there is happiness on the other side of the grief! It's not what I choose....it's her choice and I accept it.

Thanks!

Thanks for pointing out the connection between achieving happiness through acceptance. When we move forward and away from the things that hurt us we become surprisingly much happier.

I know how you feel. Everyday and night I feel so empty for my daughter who has basically abandoned her family. Ex specially me. I ask her constantly to go to counseling with me to work out issues. But she has no interest in having me in her life anymore. We were together everyday she was my best friend. She is 28 and she has not had anything to do with me for two years. It's easy for people to say you have to wait for her to come to you but they have no idea of the pain in my heart. She is cruel to me and plays games with my grandchildren and I barely see them anymore. I hear your pain and feel the desperation it ignites.

marykay2677 : A year later I'm doing much better..... though my daughter is still completely absent from my life. It took a long time, but, as I said above, I decided to focus on all the people I DO have and all the things I have to be grateful for and I'm much happier now. This was my daughter's decision, not mine. I wanted to reconcile and I was willing to hear her thoughts and feelings no matter how painful it would be for me. I was willing to do anything. But she said "no" to that ....over & over again. This grudge bearing and separation is serving some purpose for her and she will have to work through it....or not.

I experienced horrible grief....especially around the holidays last year...worse than I've ever had in my life...my sister's death, my mom's death, my dad's death...nothing compared to the pain as my daughter's deliberate decision to die away from me.

But I'm here to tell you, there is life on the other side of grief. Life and happiness. It's all about accepting their choices .... accepting what we have no control over. I'll be here when and if she ever decides to reconcile, but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm done being her victim to emotionally torture. I will always love her. She is my daughter and nothing will ever change my love for her. But, I am living happy now without her because I accept her choice.

I hope this helps. Thanks for writing!

Sending you a big hug MaryKay2677. Like ThisTooShallPass3 has been saying that you too will find happiness someday through acceptance. These are your daughters choices not yours. She no doubt feeds off of your grief like my daughter. That is why I am grieving her now, so that I can find happiness again too. I is so hard to take care of yourself first, but we need to. My daught is 36 and this has been going on since she was 12. I am determined to break the cylce.....stop the dance....stop believing that she will smarten up....etc.

The holidays are gonna be really difficult this year, but I keep telling myself I can do this. For me this time. Finally for me this time. I am trying to surround myself with people who truely understand and know me and will help me stay strong. I need this for my sanity. It takes to two, so if I remove myself, she cannot feed off of me anymore.