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My Adult Daughter Hates Me: My Story

My only daughter hates me. She is 27. Sometimes when I grieve for her and cry for her, I vivid memory come to me--- a day I was sitting out in the backyard and the school bus dropped her off in front of the house. My little girl with her long brown hair, came running to me with flowers she had (illegally) picked at school. She was so happy to see me...running toward me as if I was the light of her world. There was so much love in her eyes. I remember how my heart warmed to see my beautiful little girl that day and so many day. When the grief overtakes me, I remember moments like those that cannot be taken away from me.

I feel I have failed at something more important than anything else in life, motherhood. I feel I worked so hard to be a good mom. I was young. I had my son at 24 and my daughter at 27. I did all the things for my daughter and my son that had never been done for me. I did all the things I thought good moms do--including abstaining from alcohol, my family's curse. I didn't want my kids to have a drunken mother and I was the only one of my four siblings that did not succumb to alcoholism. I wanted them to be proud of me and I was the only one in my biological family to become a college graduate. I hugged them and told them I loved them everyday because my parents never did that for me. I could go on and on about all the things I did that I thought were being a good mother. Most of all, I loved them. They were my life. I can't believe it turned out like this.

I don't know when the trouble started exactly. I know she was only 9 years old when my sister died at age 35 with 3 small children. It was a tragedy of the most painful kind. Sometimes I feel: "My daughter would rather it was me that died as little as she cares for me." When my sister died, I know I had a lot of grief and a lot of fear because the cancer that killed her runs in families and the doctors were treating me like I was a cancer waiting to happen. It was a terrible time filled with fright and grief. Thinking back, I realize now I must have not been there for my daughter completely with all of this on my mind. Only five years later, I divorced her father. He had been my first boyfriend and we never had a real partnership or intimacy. Seeing my sister die at only 35, the sober reality of how short life really is hit me in the face like cold water. A strong desire to experience life and live fully came over me. It drove me. I did not want to model: "stay together for the sake of the children" to my daughter the way my mom did to me. My mom was so unhappy. No, I wanted to model a strong women with self respect and courage to create a happy life. Ah, the best laid plans.......

In only three months after the divorce (I guess I was pretty naive and "raw meat") I hooked up with a very manly man who paid so much attention to me and seemed to be everything I ever wanted. We fell deeply in love and eventually married. He was a good step-dad to my daughter. She once told me during a particularly hard time in High School "If it weren't for Joe, I'd be on drugs or pregnant." I was so happy that he took delight in listening to all of her teenage problems, give her counsel and advice. I was so glad she had a strong male father figure because her read dad was not. It seemed to me that the divorce had been a good thing for my daughter. Even before I remarried, she had rose buds in her cheeks again, looked better, ate better, seemed happier.

Several years later, when my mom died, I took in my other sister's 3 girls because my sister was a serious alcoholic and unable to care for them. No one else stepped forward to this incredible responsibility. I was scared to death. My own two children were grown and out of the house. I loved my nieces very much and by now my daughter was 20 years old. I had a labor-intensive teaching job and I attend to them and took each of them to therapy several days a week after school. I enrolled them in the private school where I taught and paid tuition. One had abandonment issues. One had learning disability. One had Type I Diabetes. These kids had had it very rough, and I wanted to be there for them. Besides, contrary to what some people would say later, I was the ONLY one who came forward.

My second husband, I believe, just couldn't handle it. I knew he had an anger problem all his life after a head injury from a motorcycle accident when he was young. He told me about this anger management issue on our very first date. He said he managed it well. But once the 3 girls came into our home, I do believe the stress on him caused the anger problems to arise. I started walking on pins and needles in my own home for fear I would make him angry. Those were horrible times because I thought my second marriage would be the "love of my life". I didn't want to fail again. But when he hit my daughter and was verbally abusive to her, he had to go. I got a 2 year Protective Order and divorced him. Then I became like a "single parent" with my three nieces. I started having financial problems trying to raise them on a teacher's salary.

My daughter, now a young adult, had moved out and gotten hooked up with a boyfriend involved with drugs. I didn't even know he was into that---he had me fooled. I had thought he was a pretty nice young man. Anyway, my daughter got kicked out of their apartment and came to me begging to move back in to my home. I told her truthfully that being that she had been so disrespectful to me during her teen years and that we hadn't gotten along very well, I just could not handle any more stress in my life and I did not think it good she move back home. I remember telling her exactly "My plate is overflowing and I can't take one more thing." She begged and promised that she would help me take care of the girls, babysit, help with the housework, all of this but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me move back home..."Mommy". Of course, I said "yes". I remember having a bad feeling in my stomach that this would not work out.

Well, sure enough it wasn't good. At the end of the story, the very things she promised to do because I was so overwhelmed to help me, became the things she resented. To her credit, she did keep her promise and babysit for me. I began dating again. But mostly I just needed some time to get away from the stress-filled misery that was my life by this time. The financial problems were worsening every day. The girls were so much work...I loved them but still it was just a ton of work! My teaching job was exhausting all of my energy. A creepy new principal came in who didn't like me and made my life miserable. My nieces needed so much attention. It wasn't their fault their mother was a drunk and the only person they ever could depend on had died on them. My heart went out to them and I wanted to do all I could to give them a safe, dependable, loving life. My nieces paternal grandmother (who wanted nothing to do with them when Mom died and they needed a place to go) criticized me constantly to the girls which caused them to behave disrespectfully to me at times and belligerent to each other. So they started fighting for the first time between themselves. My daughter carried through with her promise and I got some much needed "escape" on occasional weekends because she babysat for me. She helped with cleaning the house and there was always a ton of housework. But there were problems. She wanted to be in the same bedroom with them and she was by now, in her early twenties and they, much younger, were influenced by her smoking in their bedroom, cursing and cynical, critical attitude. I felt she was not the best influence on them though she was still young herself, only in her early 20's.

I took my nieces for a trip out of town for Christmas. I thought it would be good for them to connect to some of their distant relatives on my mom's side of the family. Also, I did not have money for Christmas and this was a good way to get around the problem. I don't know why I didn't invite my daughter to come. Later, it was mentioned to me that this hurt her very much and I can certainly understand how that might have happened. I thought at the time, she would spend Christmas with her dad and it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. If I could do it over again, I would. But by now, I was in survival mode. I was trying to manage so much at once. I felt if my daughter came on this trip, she would take all the attention away from the girls because she always had to be the center of attention. I wanted them to have the attention from the family because I felt they were more needy than she. I must have been wrong about that. So I decided to take the girls without my daughter. I know with certainly I didn't intend to be hurtful to my daughter by doing this, but I think I felt we all needed a break from her. She had become very bossy of the girls as if she owned my house, owned me and owned them. It was a strange dynamic that had evolved. I think it is interesting that I can't really remember the details of this incident. But I do remember the trip and I do not remember having any feelings of ill intent toward her, only that I felt it was better for everyone if she did not come along. That may have been my biggest mistake in contributing to her hating me now. I wish she would forgive me....if only she would talk to me I would beg her forgiveness for hurting her...if this, is, indeed what it was.

I don't know because I have asked to talk with her and I have told her I just want to listen. I have implored her to allow me to hear how I had hurt her and/or let her down and I would break my neck to understand and that I would apologize. I have made it clear over and over that I want a positive relationship with her--that I love her and she is important to me. But she has refused to allow me this....for years now.

The girls eventually went back to their parents. I was free. My daughter moved out with her new boyfriend whom, I believe, does not love her as much as she loves him. I believe she would like to marry and have children but that he will not do it which I worry is a source of great unhappiness for her.

The last several years she has barely spoken to me. Last Mother's Day I received nothing which broke my heart. Late in the day, I finally received a phone call from her but she sounded like she couldn't wait to get off the phone. I was so happy she called finally on Mother's Day. But her voice was cold. There was no love or warmth.

Just recently, the nieces mother, my sister still living, had revealed to me the extent of the verbal/emotional and physical abuse she has been enduring at the hands of her husband. Even the children, some now adults, some young, were abusive to her too, with his blessing. They do what they see and hear. I knew all along it was not good over there but I used to drop in frequently to check on things and I maintained my relationship albeit more distant with my nieces. But I had no idea until recently just how bad things had become. When my sister finally became sober wild horses could not dissuade her from her recovery. He was still using but she managed to stay sober with drugs and alcohol in her face every day. The more sober she got, the worse the abuse got. He spit in her face. He called her "dumb *****" constantly. He talked so badly to her and about her to the children, her attempts and rebuilding her relationships with her children were difficult. But she was making some fragile progress.....that is, until my daughter showed up.

My daughter had not paid much attention to my nieces after moving out, until now. She always focused on one friend, almost obsessively until that friend dumped her. My daughter could not maintain a friendship. Over and over I saw this pattern occur. It was as if a light bulb went off in her head. My daughter began hanging around at my nieces house. Her plan was hatched: she would re-establish her relationship with my nieces and they would become her source of love and affection. It worked like a charm. She started with the eldest girl. She drove her around, took her out places, and gave her a place to stay. The eldest niece and I had chatted online every night for 3-5 hours at a time, night after night, but when my daughter entered the scene it completely stopped. The middle niece was often in tears because she wanted to come with my daughter and the eldest, but was told "no". But soon, the middle one would be included....then the baby...the one who had been most close to me. She was almost 13 by now. She had come to me when she was only four and we were very close. I knew she heard bad things about me from her father and his mother and sister who are enablers and the kind of people who make others look bad to make themselves look good. The little one and I still had a most precious relationship until the day I helped her mom get out of that abuse. That day all hell broke loose.

When my sister left that abusive drugged up, drunken house with her baby, my daughter was right there to proclaim what a horrible wretch I was to "break up the family". The ring leader. The orchestrator. This was the day she was hoping for. I was the horrible person who came in and wrecked the family because I had helped my sister, now in Recovery, escape her abuser. No matter he was high and drunk in front of the children. No matter he cursed their mother day in and day out in front of the children. No matter he threw things and accidentally hit the baby. No matter he used his power to control and belittle her as if she were a sub-human. No he was not the bad guy--the mom who had become sober was and WORSE--me because I helped her.

I believe that my daughter had always had a horrible jealousy with my nieces. I had given them more attention than to my daughter but at the time, I reasoned my daughter was an adult, I could reasonably expect her to assume adult responsibilities while living in my home. The nieces were still minor children and most needy. I guess I gave her more credit. I thought she was stronger than she was. I considered the nieces in more need of my attention, time and resources. It's not that I gave my daughter no attention, but I certainly gave my nieces more. I wasn't God, after all, and there was a limit to my ability to be all things to all people so I did what I thought at the time was the right thing to do. If I knew she needed more from me, I would have responded. If she had communicated it to me, I would have given her all that she asked for and needed. I loved her. I appreciated her. But I wasn't cognizant that she needed that much from me. I didn't realize she was resenting me and feeling jealous of my love and attention toward the nieces.

By the time I had reached 18, my parents taught us we were on our own and they had no more responsibility. We didn't expect anything after 18. I suppose unconsciously that was playing in my mind. She was well over 18, an adult. But apparently she felt neglected by me and unloved and that I preferred the nieces to her. So my daughter had developed a grudge toward me and a jealousy toward them that is the kind of thing that makes a person's soul dark and cold.

Over the past several years, I never heard from her until she needed something. But every time she called, I went running---whether it was to give her money, or support of her Art Club or support of her Hair Cutting or buying her art so she could get some money....whenever I heard from her, I went running, fully cognizant she was only calling me because she needed something and not because she loved me. But it was an open door and I took it. Anything....anything that might help us reconcile and repair, heal.

It didn't work. She completely disowned me. She has melded with the dysfunctional family from where my sister escaped to safety with her youngest baby to start a drug-free, alcohol-free, abuse-free new life. The end of that story is yet to be seen. The whole dysfunctional enabling gang are out for blood against my sister and they may win. But at least I know I did the right thing in helping her.

I believe in things like forgiveness and "He who is without sin cast the first stone." And most of all, I believe no woman deserves to be emotionally tormented and abused, verbally demeaned, physically assaulted due to the sins of her past. My daughter is there at the abuser's home all the time. They speak of their hatred for me and my sister in Recovery. The mock and criticize. My daughter and my nieces exchange love notes on Facebook, deliberately leaving me out....passive aggressive hurtful things just to get me. I want to tell her: "If you are trying to hurt me, you are succeeding. Does it comfort you? Is that the kind of person you wish to be? Well so be it. I choose a different path." Now my daughter is buddy-buddy with all three of my nieces and with her influence guiding them, they hate me too. They dare not love me when my daughter and all of them hate me. I have no family left at all.

Sometimes I cry a million tears and my heart aches with breaking. Other times I think of all that I have to be grateful for because I have created a beautiful life for myself with a wonderful man and a new career working only part-time. No more of the constant exhaustion I experienced all those years teaching. We've created a beautiful life together but without my daughter there will always be something precious missing in my life. She actually called me for something not too long ago and when I heard her voice say "Mom" my heart stirred. I have missed hearing that SO much.

There is no one that can replace my daughter. The sitting and talking....laughing and sharing.....the special bond that only mothers and daughters share.....these are non-existent with us. The empty hole in my life can only be filled by one person, my daughter, and she does not want that hole to be filled. I know I let her down. I know I screwed up. I have only asked for a chance to make it up to her, to apologize to be forgiven. I don't think she has any compassion for just how much I was suffering. I did not know at the time, how much I was letting her down. She refuses my offers to talk, get past it, my olive branches are rejected....for years now this is going on, and it only gets worse over time. She does not want to heal. I have to let her go. I can find other people who love and care for me but my daughter's love is irreplaceable. On the day she was born, I became her mother. There was no one else there but her. It is like a death.

Any feedback or support you can give me is appreciated.


ThisTooShallPass3 ThisTooShallPass3 51-55, F 52 Responses Aug 12, 2012

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Don't feed into her meanness, let her know she is an adult responsible for her own happiness, she will come back in your life only to destroy your happiness if you let her. you are the kind of person that loves to give and help people, your daughter is a taker, she will degrade you till you are as unhappy as she is. this is not your fault. She has to find her own way, if you let her in the door its like letting a tornado in. do not buy or do anything for her, until she can be there for you first. if you want to try and build a relationship with her it needs to start with you and her in consoling, to have a third party someone who doesn't know either of you, I say this because I am in a similar situation with my own daughter who thinks I owe her the world because I birthed her LOL, anytime I do something for someone else she is the nastiest person alive, calling me names and trying to make me feel bad, I don't give into her at all, the only time she tells me she loves me is when I buy her something, she is a spoiled brat who needs to grow up, she is 20 years old a junior in college and hangs out with her rich friends by lying to them about how much money she has. so hang in there don't run to her, it will only get worse, she should be the one who is sorry for what she has done, don't let her manipulate you anymore, don't let her mess up what you have,. if she wants you in her life she will have to live by your rules!

I too am estranged from my daughter, my only child. She is 33 and has a 4 year old son whom I have seen only a few times. The pain and grief and shame can feel overwhelming at times. She has treated me and her father terribly over the past ten or more years. My husband has given up. We never talk about our daughter. Lately I have realized just how much she wants nothing to do with us. I have begun to visualize myself standing with open arms saying "I release you with love. I wish you peace and happiness." I don't know if this will bring peace and closure to me though I do feel more at peace when I practice this. I have been in denial for many, many years thinking this was temporary and would change. I realize now that it is very unlikely things will change. She rarely, rarely picks up the phone when I call and if she doesn't like the conversation she hangs up the phone. Our grandson doesn't know us which is the biggest heartbreak of all. I have to work hard to not withdraw from family and friends. My daughter's absence has sucked the air out of me. We are not alone, unfortunately. May we all find peace and support to help us through.

Your story made me cry. My own story is just as heartbreaking, and I came here looking for other grieving mothers so I don't feel so alone. I wish I had the courage to write the words to my tale... i don't. it will be too painful to relive.

Just remember no parent is perfect, children don't come with directions. you cant let someone you love punish you for being a parent, there not worth it!

I will pray for you-I'm sure you know that you are not alone in your pain -and its no consolation to know you are in a sea of millions of parents going through the same thing; always doing what you hope is right, but alas it is not perceived as such. Consider yourself hugged, admired and respected. All the best.

Keep loving her .... Never let go that feeling and never give up on a better day ..... I'm going thru the same with my 17 yr old ..... She hates me ... I done nothing but love her ... She blames for destroying her life .... Because I divorced her father (an alcoholic) .... God is great and he works it's way only he knows why .... Is so painful ... I feel you ... I truly do

you are not alone... society says, mothers and daughters should be close, in alignment with life and family... it isn't true... some of us do not get this relationship, not from not wanting it...but from them abandoning us.

I feel as though this is my story. However sympathy is not the answer I have learned. We cannot question what God is teaching us through our sufferings. I know one thing he taught me was to forgive my parents for being 'human'. I pray for you and your daughter. Anything is possible with God

Dont ask about my age... I told my at the time 21 year old daughter I was going to kill myself with her gun ... She disowned me completely.

My youngest daughter blames me for everything ,i was a mom at 18 and yeah i could off done better .at the age of 7 i was in a road accident i got told i could not have kids well i prove them wrong i have a 18 year old boy 16 year old girl and 14 year old girl. Yeah i have alot off illness I've had cancer twice and im still here from my accident i have brain damage i just what some advise so someone out there please give me some advise cad yeah im grateful for everything she done she been there for me throu think and thin .she seem to always kick off at me every night she puts the fire on when she just want to i tell her no cad i don't have enough electric . Both of my girls have said mum were moving out at 16 ,they both throw it up in my face about my illnesses , plus they have said im abad parnet ,i dont no how to love my kids ,i only think off myself even since they were born i have done with out clothes food and other things,i have always put my kids first they come before anything . Even when i try and help my kids with there home work and most off the time i say sorry kids i cant help i dont understand .they start calling me bad names etc. p>

How cruel and selfish of her. You seem to be a very good person. Unfortunately, we can't predict that our daughters are going to turn out to be mean and spiteful, and turn on us. When we did all we could for them. It just baffles me.. I commend you on all of the great life work you did. You did not ask for those girls to be dropped off in your life, those are the cards you were dealt. I'm sure you did not intend to hurt your daughter even if this is the way she is making you feel. She should be proud of you! It takes a strong person to do everything you did. you deserve to be treated with respect, love, and compassion. I've read your story before, and think you are a very nice person.

I have a story to write, but not quite ready yet. But these girls should be supportive of their moms. I have never seen such a generation in my life. This new generation of kids makes me just smh. Not all, but a lot. I have never seen such disrespect in my life. I hope you are okay, and give yourself credit. You have done everything in your power to make people happy. It's your turn. I do understand how much you miss her. It's just so unfair. I hope they never have to feel the emotional pain that you are feeling. God Help them

I have a story similiar to many of these. I am 63 now, married at 24, my choice of men wasnt great but after he stopped abusing alcohol,he became a not so bad father and husband. We raised our two daughters as best we could,tryed to give them lots of love and most of the things they wanted. We were married for 27 yrs, my husband got lung cancer and died in 2002. Well here I was with two almost adult daughters, and had to make my way as a single parent now. I always worked and instilled the importance of working in both my daughters. They both went to college,one went away to school, the other stayed at home to attend college. I did not marry again,and moved with my oldest daughter to a new familiar neighborhood close to our old one. I struggled with now only one income but we made it sort of ok. My oldest daughter is the one who stayed at home,saw me struggle to meet the bills but never made an attempt to help out. I guess that is my fault for not requiring her to contribute (she did work at a fairly good job). She just cared about herself, partyed with her frie ds every weekend. Didnt seem to think she should take care of any bills or anything.When she was 26 she had a car accident that resulted with her hitting her head and now has been diagnosed with epilepsy.She is 34 now. Her epilepsy can be controlled with meds which she is very unconcerned with, so I feel I must ask her and remind her to take her meds.when she parties she drinks pretty much and doesnt think much of it.I feel she shouldnt be drinking at all,and I tell her that. Six yrs after my husband died,I met someone not at all like my husband, and fell in love. I ended up moving where he lived on the west coast,from the east coast where I had lived all my life. My daughter went to live with one of her friends, and continued her lifestyle.She eventually met a guy,and got pregnant with my first granddaughter.She did not love this guy, but did love her daughter.I was not in a financial way that I could be there for the birth,but my youngest daughter was ther for her and helped with all the neccessities she would need. Turns out that the father of her child was and still is a deadbeat dad,and feels it is ok for him not to work all the time.So my daughter struggles with bills and everyday life. She got pregnant a second time with the same man, and now has two kids (5 and 3). She asked me if I could come and help her,so I left my boyfriend and came east to help.I ended up doing everything for her and even giving half of my fixed income to her for bills etc. I have been here for a year now, and have a chance to rekindle my love life.of 7 yrs. Yes,he has waited a year for me but doesnt under stand why I am still doing this and is growing impatient.Says I have done all I could for her and she is to comfortable now with me driving her everywhere, cooking for her,taking care of her kids, doing the laundry,while she just works and ******* about ner life.She got involved with some guy about 4month ago she is despirately in love with him, but he is another loser and is not i love with her unless he can mooch off her.So now he is gone,mainly because myself and my other daughter told him to go away,in the best interest of my daughter.She is resentful,and now lazy,depressed neglectful,obese and doesnt want to care for herself.She loves her kids,but is very short tempered with them,and because of ner laziness,she rules her house from her bed. She is on her cell phone 24/7 hoping to be in contact with the last boyfriend who used her.She is in contact with him but he barely gives her the time of day,so she abuses herself, and doesnt really give a **** anymore. I am totally stressed by all of this and I may sound selfish but I want my life back. She also lies to her sister saying everything with her is fine.I dont say anything because her sister is the only bridge she has,and I dont want her to lose that. I am torn everyday with guilt about what will happen if I leave her yet I am losing myself in the meantime.
I read all of the other posts, and I am hoping for some encouraging words. Thanks for listening Jojo

that took a lot of courage to tell your story... thank you... I am up searching online to read about this topic... after reading several posts, I am not alone... what comes to mind to me is have we raised in this generation,...the generation of things.... brats? spoiled and ungrateful children with no respect for the 10 commandments? such rebellious behavior-single mom, divorced and remarried mom here- I dare not say much because I cant deal with her wrath... or, yes... that's it... all of us here, are just terrible people... yep... we didn't put them first ever... or clothe them, feed them, shelter as best we could... nope... we didn't do any of the right things... we were just big mean witches... palease....I loved love- her with my whole being- it is because I have said NO to her abuses or cut off money- that the situation with me I feel has worsened... I don't know- don't know if I ever will- someone posted about God... and him knowing what is best... but just the same- there is evil running rampant- evil minded boyfriends- friends- it is the times... gratitude is a word they cant spell.... anyway... thanks for all of you being here.

I am so sad to read your story, but glad that I am not the only one who has a daughter that hates me. I have four other children who love me and I value them greatly. However, my eldest daughter truly hates me. She will not allow me to see your children and she makes a great deal of trouble if her ex husband allows me at his house while the children are there. I have accepted, after years of trying and failing to convince her that I love her dearly, that I have to also give up any opportunities I have to see my two beautiful grandsons. I will send them birthday and Christmas presents via their father, who is good to me, and hope they will come and see me when they are grown.
What I would like to say to you is this. It is only the fact that my other four children love me that makes me realize that this is not completely about me. It is in a huge way about my daughter and her perception of the world. I am fortunate that I have other children. For a long time, like you, I berated myself for my shortcomings. If you had other children against whom to measure your daughter's behaviour then you may also realiz3e that this has little, if anything to do with you. I know it is hard and it hurts but sometimes we have to leave those we love behind and wait to see if they come to us. I doubt that will happen with my daughter and I am resigned to that. I hope for better with my grandsons, but I am not holding my breath.

Just focus on yourself. You did your best, and that is all that matters. Hopefully later they will understand, if they will be able to defeat their frustrations. It is not up to you anymore. Keep your conscience clean and be as motherly as YOU should consider. Life is too short to think to the past, but learn to love yourself. Keep your balance, so you will lead by example. Now your main purpose should be YOU, this is your time: enjoy your journey through life.

First I have to say you did the right thing and shouldn't let your daughter make you feel differently. Have you thought she may take after her father, who sounds like a terrible man. You did all the right things. Try to put this aside and enjoy your new relationship. You have earned it. Believe me. God bless you.

With the way that you talk about your daughter I am not surprised that she does not speak to you. You paint her out to be a childish, manipulative, cold hearted b**** that has enough persuasive powers to be a ring leader.

I don't know why you left your first husband besides from what it sounds like that you got bored and your taste in men changed. That and it doesn't say when you got your degree. Did you do it before you had your children or during their childhoods? It also doesn't say how involved you were in their childhoods. Were you working and in school all the time, or did you have time to spend with your children when they were children? These are important questions to ask yourself because if you are the type of "parent" that wasn't there for your children in their childhoods. Then expects them to be there for you now that you have time and they don't and they are no longer children. Then I don't feel bad for you, you made that choice to work on you and not them when they were young.

You had your daughter she did not have you she owes you absolutely nothing and she never owed you anything. Now that she is an adult you owe her nothing either. However when she was a child and she needed you and it sounds like you weren't there for her or her sibling. I gather this because of the fact that you were there for your nieces and she got jealous. Probable because she didn't have that from you when she needed it but they somehow got everything from you when you owed them nothing and her everything. I wish you luck in your future I'm sorry that there isn't a rewind button to redo her childhood and be more involved in it. The good thing for you is that though your bias writing and description of your wretched cold hearted daughter it sounds like she loves you and is trying to be close with her cousins because you showed love to them.

If I were you I would think about the words that you use when you speak to her. Don't criticize her personal life her boyfriend is none of your concern the way she cooks, thinks, dresses whatever you think you do so much better than her just accept her for who she is instead of criticizing every move she makes. She is your daughter not your enemy and not your competition unless you make her be those things. Who cares that she lost her friend unless she brings it up and if she does. Don't go oh your bad at making friends you do this every time nonscience that you wrote in your blog. Honestly it sounds more like you hate your daughter and like you want her to be close to you so you have some on to nit pick on.

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Hi, I landed here when I was looking some answer why? my daughter act like she really hate me. Clinical, judgemental, and mean with me. Thanks God ! I am not alone in this..... Thank so much for share your stories. Help me so much with my pain that I carrier with me. I miss her voice, I miss her so much...

Too many mothers have this notion that their children owe them something -- whether love, respect, etc -- for the privilege of having been given life.But in defense of your daughter, it's not about you, it's about her. It's not her who owes, it is you.


YOU owe her all manner of love and support for the rest of her life, because you brought her into this world due to your actions. She never asked to be dragged into existence -- So please try to have some pity for her.

I have a similar relationship with my own mother. The long-lasting damage I suffered due to her actions is still with me as an adult. I do get the sense that she is sorry. However, I still want nothing to do with her, because she expects that I should just 'get over it'. Like it should be as capriciously simple for me to heal the damage now, as it was for her to inflict it upon me 20 years ago.

You're writing here in part because you cannot fathom why your daughter hasn't healed from the pain already. You may be confused as to why she hasn't come around yet. "Other people get over things, why can't she?" But you likely have no idea how deep the pain truly goes. The way you titled this post "My Daughter Hates Me" makes it sound like you are the victim. This may hurt to hear, but the victim is not you, it's your daughter.

If your daughter hates you, I'm sure she has very good reasons. If you're as manipulative as my mother is, you're not telling us the whole story.

As for advice for you, you don't really have many options left. All you can really do now is realize that your daughter not loving you is likely your own fault, and hope that someday her heart will heal, and that she comes around.

Grow up.

Amen to that... the problem is our daughters are 20 years younger and therefore do not have the insight to understand how view points that they do not want to hear. I think people commenting have been pretty good - I can always tell when a 20 yr old is sounding off... eh... someday they will know... until then, relax

You sound like you have been hurt, but you cannot change the past, neither can your mother. It would be best if you stop expecting her to make up for past wrongs because it cannot be done. You have to be able to move on or you will be forever stuck there - unable to move forward, and you said it has been 20 years. The healing will come with trying, but you will never succeed without trying to get past the past - no matter what the past is - no matter how deeply injured you feel. Without knowing what happened between you & your mother, it is likely she deserves to be forgiven. This actually would end up in a healing process for the both of you, as well as any others closely associated with you that would be affected by the outcomes of your relationship. And you have to realize that you do not live in a vacuum. The choices you make impact you & all others around you.

I have had many things happen to me that could have allowed me to be extremely negative; or to function at a significantly lesser capacity than I do. I came from an abusive home (both physically & psychologically). I was sexually assaulted by a relative outside of my immediate family when I was very young. Later, as an adult, I was raped by a friend of a friend. There also has been other significant things that have happened to me throughout the course of my life. The purpose of sharing this with you to let you know that bad things can happen to you and you can move forward - because these things should not define you. They can make you stronger if you let them - if you stop dwelling on that past & letting yourself be a victim. You might even be able to forgive those that inflicted the pain against you, which should include your mother if it is at all possible. Without making the effort, you will forever be a victim and / or lashing out at the world as a whole. And in your lashing out - you might be no different from those you are most angry at because you'll be doing exactly the things that you are blaming your mother and / or the world for.

I'm going through something similar with my adult daughter. I cling to God because the rejection is more than I can bare. I'm in counseling AGAIN, always trying to better myself to fit someone else's opinion of what they want me to be. I'm trying to stop that also. I was a good mother, however not perfect. My daughter is verbally abusiveand out of fear of losing herI would mildly tell not to talk to me like that. When I should have stood my ground and not spent time with her until she could treat me better. I'm not God, I had to learn by my mistakes and I have adored her since she was laid in my arms. I have apologized so much I feel almost like she wants blood or my death for my transgressions. I am trying hard to understand her pain and do what I can do. We may be going into counseling as a family soon. That is so scary. I'm very soft hearted and she is cold and doesn't bat an eye at someone's pain. However, my faith in Good will win this situation. By helping me to learn to cope or my touching my daughter's heart. And sad but true, it may not come until my death. But I know in my heart that through God she will see one day. Even then she may be angry at me, however somewhere and someday God will concoct her heart. And that is my dream for her.

I read on farther in the comments off all the broken hearted mothers. I'm so sorry for your pain and sadness. I will pray for us all.

My daughter hates herself and she hates me too. I had to leave the abusive marriage when she was just a few months old because it wasn't right to raise my only child in that environment .We were very close and the teen years were extra difficult as I was also going through menopause. (I had her when I was 35.)There were a few factors that I believe helped contribute to the current state of affairs. Her father had access and to this day, and even though he's remarried, he continues to malign me to our daughter. I believe that this taught her that hating me is acceptable. She is sick of his many emotional and mental problems along with many other issues and spending time with him is always stressful.I refused to participate in the provocation he and his wife used to try and cause more problems for me and I did not want to add to the toxicity. My own dysfunctional upbringing made me ill-prepared for parenthood, but I believed being a loving mother who did everything she could to be respectful, kind and accepting would give her a chance at a good life.I am now more than thirty years sober and I took my last drink almost five years before she was born. Her father still drinks and there is a genetic predisposition to mental illness on both sides.My daughter had to deal with issues and responsibilities that would be difficult for any adult, but she prevailed and had been building a mostly good life for herself in a major city for the past few years. Just today she apologized in a text for sending an earlier one that indicated her words of sympathy were insincere and that she wishes I'd never had her.I worry about her possibly taking her own life and I deal with chronic depression daily as well. I somehow cope without medication and at almost 60, the biggest challenge now is loneliness. I leave my daughter alone for the most part because she's written on several occasions that she doesn't want any reminders of her life at home with me. That hurts but I must respect her wishes.Part of her knows that the way she feels is in conflict with what our relationship should be and that when she is mean she is behaving badly but I've always taught her that feelings are valid and that it's important to acknowledge feelings in order to deal with them.She's almost twenty-five now and she blames what she calls her social awkwardness on my being insanely overprotective. I was a stay-at-home Mom until she was ten, and then I worked evenings but wouldn't let her have friends over when I wasn't home. (She sometimes did anyway and of course there was unpleasantness as a result.) Most of her 'friends' came from two parent homes and as a 'lonely only' she was inordinately attracted to people her age, enduring their neglect and sometimes even cruelty far longer than she should have.She must find her own way in this world without me and I must carry on without her. My days of motherhood are over forever because my daughter wants no reminders of me. It's very sad but that's the way it is. I am responsible for my own happiness now and I will be here if she needs me, but I don't expect to see her again for a very long time.

I too have a neglectful ex husband parent who abandanded my daughter... I wonder if the problem we all have has any similarities- like a missing abusive dad....

I was touched by your sadness. I have only one daughter too, and at times she seems so cold, not having any time to talk to her mother. But like you, I think I made her jealous of her cousins, as growing up. I gave maybe too much of my time, trying to cope with the grief my nieces were going through because of their parent's horrible divorce. I do not know why, but we live in times which are unprecedented. Young people do not have any natural affection for their parents. If they are not granted every little wish, special financially, they act and speak harshly with the parent, forgetting that it is their own mother, who loved them since they were born. I came to the realization that it is the enemy, Satan, who makes misery in this world, and I need to pray. There is hope if a parent goes on her knees and prays for God to put love in her child's heart, and to make the mother to show love to her child too. We do not have no one else but Jesus to fill a mother's heart with light and warmth, and to bring healing between the child and the mother! And how many times I carelessly forget about Him...the only One who is always there for a poor, naked and blind soul like me! Have faith, and pray!

Amen!

I agree with you!

I cried as i read your story. My daughter hates me too. I go running to her when she calls. She only calls when she needs something from me. She,s 22 and has a beautiful 2yr old son. I love my grandbaby so very much. But i only get to see him if she wants me to babysit. His father is abusive to my daughter. Ive been begging her to get on birth control for 2 years but she didnt listen. I read on facebook that she is 4months pregnant. She didnt tell me about it. I was so disappointed and sad. I told her how i felt, that was a month ago. I havent heard from her since. I know she,s keeping my grandbaby away from me to hurt me. I cry everyday. I dont know how to stop crying. My grandson loves me so much, im his favorite person. Why would she do that? Its hurting him too. So much that you told in your story, the way your daughter made you feel, i also feel that way. Thank you for telling your story. You are not alone. And now i know i am not alone.

you are not alone...

I am sorry for you pain...

Wow! I typed, "My adult daughter hates me" and I was led to this site. I came here hoping to find some comfort and support but after reading the posts from both mothers and daughters - I actually feel worse. So much anger and hatred, misunderstanding, longing, stubbornness and unforgiving hearts on "both sides" of the story. I guess some relationships are just impossible and when they are broken - they are not repairable. Neither side seems to want to give an inch with both sides feeling perfectly justified in feeling the way they feel - with an apparent disregard for the hurt the "other side" feels - hurt that is in all likelihood fueling more misunderstanding, resentment and hurt. I guess I came to the wrong place to find something that might ease the ache in my heart. I feel sorry - not only for my "hurt" - but for all of you who have posted here.

Be part of the solution. Condemning us all may be how you got into your situation with your own daughter-so smartfully summed up everything that you have nothing positive to add or empathize? I feel sorry for you... at least we are trying...

It is like a death "runneth over me". As each day slips away, the longing i feel as each day passes that i cant get hold of "My Love" feels longer every day. Its been since the new year we havent talked. I feel now its her new year resolution that shes decided to disown me. We said our love & misses for eacherother & talk atcha later. But, i think it was her last goodbye to me. The best note she could leave me on. Afterall, ive broke her heart so many times, so many times ive broken promises. So many times ive said id pick her up, we'd have "spend the night" together. I didint show, All i see now is her broken little heart waiting gor me at the window & as she got older, she just said, okay...with that tone in her voice she didnt know if it was for real or not. i never knew either. after we've hung up i never knew how my night was going to turn out either. Ive always had the best intentions to pick her up, to see her! when it came time, i couldnt and i didnt call or i'd call...something happened or... this ... or that. this went on half her life. now my little girl is a tween & my etched memories of her is that young little girl. i missed everything. she was amosted killed & I didnt come to her rescue. come to find out i did hv a mother intuition that same day i found out from her aunt. now my intuition says she's done with me? I feel ive been cursed in love, in bad luck, not to mention timing, of course money, the wanting for education/career & to heal and love myself so i could heal us?! This is happening so fast. A best friend commited suicide years ago now. I said i never would because i have a child. But my child is now an adult and my soulmate died just over two yrs ago, in my arms. now without her it doenst seem so bad. Now Im in an relationship that goes bk, but im getting wary. Im starting to feel like i owe bk, not the spark we had a few months ago, seems like. but, like were "comfortable". We support eachother. im still grieve. Im side-tracked now... my mind is always racing, but my daughter is always on my mind too. In thoughts and in prayers. How do i undue!

It sounds like you got caught up outside of mommyhood- at a crucial time... I am no expert and I too am in a pickle with my relationship- so for what it is worth- how would you have felt if u were in an accident at her age- and your mom didn't come... or your mom didn't pic you up... can you put yourself in her shoes? a child is a commitment for life... we are supposed to love our kids through everything... I think you need to show up. Keep your word and forget about male companionships that overshadow your commitment to gain some common ground with her- and because so much as been lost- you can only pray for the best... I am sorry. I feel bad for you. I feel bad for me. How do we women end up here? thank you for sharing... first step was brave... and that was admitting you have not been 100 percent to her....good luck my friend

I know just how you feel and I feel exactly the same way. My 21 year old daughter has not spoken to me in two years. I am devastated and have great difficulty not thinking about it. She refuses to acknowledge me. She is a junior in college. I never thought this could be possible.

Thank you for your story. I,too, have a daughter who only likes me when she is "down." I was very close to my mother, dead 20 years now, and I miss her terribly. My daughter disrespects me, blames me for all her self-sabotaging and continually tells me what a rotten mother I was and still are. Gees, she is 33, a victim of a broken engagement, and a 4 year bad relationship. Financially, she is a disaster. She dropped out of college lacking 3 courses for graduation and refuses to finish. She had a 3.5 GPA. Since she does not have the degree, she earns peanuts. 2 tries at maintaining an apartment have ended up being unaffordable so she moves home. She destroys every bedroom in my home that she moves around to like the 3 bears. Efforts to make her clean up her messes are for naught. Meanwhile, I am the one cleaning up her messes except for the current room and bathroom she uses. She has used my credit card for much needed dental work and makes no effort to pay back, yet she tells me I am controlling and a horrible mother. In my case, I bailed her out too much, and much like yours, she has to be the center of attention. The only time in the last few years I felt like she cared about me unselfishly was when I almost died and was in ICU for a week. Now, I feel that was just self-preservation in case I did die she would have no guilt. She creates a hole in my heart every time she tells me I am crazy, a bad mother, controlling, etc, etc. if I don't respond then the treatment gets worse. She is so angry but I don't know why. I also don't know why it makes her feel so much better to hurt me. I have no advice to give you as I have none for myself. I have 2 other productive, loving children with families of their own, so I couldn't have been all wrong. I feel you pain as well as mine.

Thank you for sharing... I am happy for you that you have 2 others that are out of the nest doing their best... this ones weening is taking longer...prayers my friend here

My gosh - am I the only one reading this that can see how jealous and resentful the mother is of her daughter? You say she has no love for you - well i don't see any love you have for her. All I see is narcissism, selfishness, martydom. You turned your back on your daughter when she needed you. I don't care if she was "over 18". Just by saying she asked to come back to "your house" shows how cold and un-sharing you really are. How about saying "she asked to come HOME"? Which if you were a warm and loving mother to her would be how you made her feel. A daughter shouldn't have to beg a mother to come home in a time of crisis, and a daughter shouldn't have to lose out on a mother because the mother chose to raise someone else's kids. I feel bad for your daughter. You should be thinking of the damage you've done to her, not wallowing in self pity and blaming HER because you have no family left.

Shame shame shame on you ! My guess is you do not have children. My second guess is you also have parental issues with your family. Clearly you have not raised a self absorbed girl who is severly to obsessed with herself to see the one mother who tried her best to give her the world did the best she could. And of course its never good enough right ? The venom that oozes from your post reminds me of something my teenage daughter would claim. Act your age. Its the mother saddened n the daughter that's ravenous.

It's sad that you aren't trying to understand--you are no different than the people you cry shame on. I'm guessing you have children who are not what you think they should be--but are probably exactly what you raised. I suspect you are as bad a mother as you accuse the other woman of being a daughter.

When "the best she could" screws you up for life, then, nah, it ain't good enough.

The woman's urge to "have a baby" is put it on a pedestal by society and we're all told that it's altruistic and noble -- but it's no less primal or basal than the man's urge to mount and *********.

But it's scary how many women I've seen who just "want that baby" and rush into it not really understanding that it actually means "creating a new human life".

"It's the mother saddened and the daughter that's ravenous"?

It's not about the mother being sad. And if the daughter is ravenous, guess who made her that way? If your child is happy, congrats, she's happy because of you. If your daughter is a brat, this is also caused by you. If your daughter is a spiteful, manipulative jerk who hates you, still your fault. You caused her, you take responsibility for her. If you cannot, then don't make children.

Sorry but you are wrong. The woman turned her back on her teenage daughter to raise someone else's kids. She threw away the relationship years ago and now can't accept that she is to blame.

amen

Well, I'm jiggered if I'm going to leave vvmmm as the only person to buck the trend on this thread. I'm a daughter who deliberately chose to distance myself from my mother, too.

It's not jealousy that I picked up in ThisTooShallPass' post, but a pervading sense of victimhood. A sense that things keep happening 'to' her rather than she being an active agent in the story of her own life, and that she believes herself to be helpless within it. To believe in our helplessness is a mistake many of us make so I see where she's coming from when she describes the story of her relationship with her children and nieces, but that doesn't change the fact that her sense of victimhood really seems to have prompted some of the problems she has faced.

I notice a trend with many of you mothers who have posted here: a common belief that your daughters should get over whatever grudge they're holding against you. You're talking about your daughters as if they are, and always have been, as strong as you. As if they came into your lives as fully-fledged adults. But daughters will always see their mothers differently from the way they'll see any other human being in this planet. Remember, once upon a time you were the only person keeping her alive. You had absolute power over her, and she knew it. Whatever you'd have done to her at that time, she would have tolerated - because she had no other choice. If you did anything that made her seriously angry or sad or afraid then she would remember that, and when she was able, she would take steps to protect herself. That is what you're seeing when a daughter steps away from her mother like this. Your daughter will never stop seeing you as 'the big one', as the ultimate protector. So if she feels you did not perform that role adequately then she will always react strongly, whereas she wouldn't to anybody else. Only you can press her buttons so powerfully.

I'm saddened to read so many mothers calling the next generation ungrateful. To me, mothers who believe they are owed the kind of gratitude you seem to be expecting are the ones who are least likely to accept their daughters' right to make her own choices. And that right is a valid one. For myself, it is not that I am ungrateful for the time and resources my mother put into raising me, but at the same time I do not accept many things she did to me. Mistakes are one thing, but smoking in front of me for all of my childhood and having a (very scary) tantrum at my 6-year old self when I asked her to stop (for her own sake, mind you, not for mine) was not the best parenting decision she could have made. There are many other examples I could cite, but that one encapsulates her attitude towards me and my childhood needs best. Of course I want to protect myself from her. Why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't any daughter?

I repeat: your daughters are not like every other human out there, who you might 'make mistakes' with and who should just get over those mistakes and forgive you. Your daughter was absolutely, unreservedly dependent on you. Her innermost self developed in response to the way you parented her, and if she had to protect herself from you then that self-protection will be in every nook and cranny of her personality. To ask her to get over it is like coring an apple. Do you know what happens if you take the core out of an apple? It turns to brown mush and dies. Likewise, for your daughter to *not* protect herself would lead to her self-destruction. She will always protect herself from you, and if that means staying away from you then so be it.

I divorced my mother - and father and brother - in November 2013. I am the least vulnerable I have ever been, but I still wanted to get away from her toxicity because I still found that I could be infected by it, weakened by it. I'd wanted to get away from her since my early teens and had been making concrete plans to leave since March 2013, so I'm glad to have finally made the break. She can't hurt me any more.

I know that she loves me and that this divorce has hurt her, and that she has a long history of tragedy - not unlike you, ThisTooShallPass. I'm well aware that this is just one big, sad story from everyone's perspective. I wish it wasn't like this. But there is nothing in that relationship that is good for either of us.

For me, I gave her chance after chance to change her ways, and yet over the years she has betrayed me again and again. Even during 2013 when I was 30, she still showed that she didn't trust me (she refused even to tell me about the finances of the family business, even though she'd been promising to hand the reins over for 5 years) and was prepared to stab me in the back (she talked with the rest of the family about what a drag it had been that I'd watched the same cartoons over and over as a small child, while in the next room I cooked my first Christmas dinner for the self-same family. She's always had a bit of a thing about keeping me 'little' and denying my adulthood) and lie to me (she told me the elderly family dog had osteoporosis in order to justify having him put to sleep, even though he had never been diagnosed with it and almost certainly didn't have it on account of being male). There is nothing I want from her that she can give. Don't get me wrong, I am saddened that it came to this. I want my mum. I *really* want my mum. But unfortunately, the woman who happens to be my mum is not capable of a mutually trusting relationship, not even with me.

I couldn't tell you the whole story from her perspective, but I know she has called me a 'mistake' straight to my face (and who knows how many times behind my back?), told me never to have kids because 'they're nothing but trouble', and when both of my brothers divorced her years ago she blamed them for everything while taking no responsibility herself. I'm sure she'll cope now that I'm gone, and if she gets a bit more computer-savvy then I suspect she'll find heaps of validation online, just like you ladies have.

As a young adult I felt so unprepared for life that yes, sometimes I went to her for support or money when I really needed it. I didn't enjoy having to depend on her for that. I wanted the freedom and the self-image of having provided for myself. But the way I saw it, she was responsible for the fact that I was so weakened and she owed it to me to at least offer that little bit of support.

I'm so glad I began my training as a counselor. I've gained so much insight into myself that I've been able to weed out a lot of those feelings of helplessness and become a fabulously capable human being compared to what I used to be, and I'm not done growing yet! I'd recommend counselling training to anybody.

I'll make one final note here, on the subject of personal responsibility. Many of you mothers here have said that your daughters should take responsibility for her own successes and failures instead of blaming you. Absolutely, it is necessary for us to take responsibility for ourselves. But all of us here are daughters and I'm sure every single one of you knows what I mean when I point out that we have a weakness when it comes to our relationships with our mothers. When mum made a mistake, it might have been a small one from a rational perspective, but to vulnerable little us, we experienced something far more extreme. I'm sure each of you can remember examples of this. So before you spit venom at your daughters for not 'getting over it', remember how much your own relationship with your mother still poisons you, how there is still some of that poison in the core of yourself.

Peace, ladies.

Thank you Greenparakeet for sharing the perspective from a "daughter's point of view" on the complications of mother - daughter relationships with us. Clearly this is a complicated, difficult and SAD situation for all involved. Ideally clear communication and the ability for both mother and daughter to move forward instead of holding on to past hurts and resentments is a key to building a solid foundation for a loving, respectful relationship. (In an ideal world. One can wish! ) XOXOX

Thank you for this. I felt the same way reading this story. I feel sorry for the daughter, who went out to find the only family who cared for her (the abuser).\ because her own walked away from her. How can the mom blame the daughter for what she did when the mom wants to be absolved for what she herself did? Seems fairly narcissistic and one sided.

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I can relate to many of your stories here. I am a 49-years old women and I have been going through years of torture from my now 24-year old daughter who I continue to keep loving so much even though I don't feel the love back from her. My story begins when I was 18-years old when I got pregnant. I was a senior in high school and nothing to offer my baby I was about to give birth to. I made the most hardest decision that I would make in my lifetime and give my newborn daughter up for adoption. I wanted was the best for her. I knew if she gets adopted, her life would be better than what I could have offered her at that time. I grew up with very strict parents and I grew up with having not much. My parents didn't really show us the love my sisters and I so yearned for from them. I remember always saying to myself "the day I have a child, I will never raise or hit my child the way I was raised." I vowed I will give my child all the love and attention my child deserved. I promised to be the best mom and give my child everything I never had. At the age of 24, I gave birth to another daughter, she had completed me, she was everything I ever wanted and I promised her that I will take care of her till the day I die. I knew I had to do everything in my power to make sure she has a good life. When my daughter was 6-mos old, I had enough courage to leave my daughter's ***** donor because I found out he was a coke-addict and he owed alot of money to our local drug dealers. I was not going to subject myself or my child to this S@#t!!! I tried so hard to get him clean but he refused - even for his daughter. I moved back to my parents house and worked very hard to take care of my daughter and me. Two years later I met the most wonderful man and the love of my life I call my husband today. He immediately loved my daughter and considered her his own. A couple of months later, I went to live with him and had to leave my daughter to be raised by my parents for a couple of years (she was almost 3 1/2 years old) because I wanted to go to a great school system and where I was living was more like city living. I didn't want her going to a city school. I would go see my daughter all the time and took her home with me on the weekends. I would spoil her with gifts, love, taking her out and doing things with her etc. My boyfriend (now my husband) and I worked hard and within a few years, we were able to buy our first home. My daughter had just turned 9 when I finally got my daughter back to be with me for good. She was the happiest girl in the world and so was I. Throughout her life my husband and I spoiled her. She was a happy child. My husband has been her dad and he is the only dad she knows (the ***** donor is out of her life). She has been a great daughter, always full of love and laughter. We taught her right from wrong, we educated her about life never lying to her about anything...ANYTHING. Any questions my daughter asked me I always answered her truthfully 100%. She was given a very good life. She was given everything!!! My husband and felt we spoiled her way too much. She began developing such a bad attitude with my husband and I when she turned 14 - that was when her hormones were kicking in in full force. We noticed she began to keep her distance from us. She was always so close to my husband and I. She was against everything we would say. Oh... she was a sweetheart and a gem whenever she wanted/needed something from us. I do have to say she was too much like this with my husband...it was more towards me. My husband began to notice (when she began dating), she wanted to be the one in command and in control. One good thing out of this is that my daughter never drank/smoke/did drugs. When she graduated high school and went away to college, her attitude began to change - for the better. She even enjoyed when I would go visit her. When she graduated, she had a hard time finding a job so she joined the Military. I was proud of her. Well, after she graduated boot camp she went off to begin more training at a different state...that is where her whole life came tumbling down. She met a guy and fell madly head over heals in love with him. She decided she didn't want to leave his side when he was being transferred to a different state just 3 mos after she had arrived. I told her to please carry on with her training and they can communicate with one another. I told her if it was meant for them to be together then time will tell. Well like two young birds in love she decided to get married so that she can leave with him. To make a long story short - she got pregnant right after their marriage, she left the military, had the baby, husband went to afghanistan for a 1-year tour, she left him while he was out there, she dated a few guys, my husband and I took care of our grandaughter (who is the love of our life) and she is divorced today. My grandaughter is now 3 years old and her father is in her life twice a year. He is still in the Military and its hard for him to come see her since he lives in one state and we are in another.My husband I told her she needs to get her life in order. She has been living under our roof and we do everything for her and the baby. She does not help out around the house, she does not pay not one dime of rent, utilities, food, insurance, clothes for the baby, etc. My husband and I are the ones left taking care of our grandaughter because she works two jobs, and the only time she spends time with her baby is when she is off two-days out of the week (and its not the weekends). She comes and goes whenever she wants to while I take care of my grandaughter. My husband and I work and we pick up the baby from daycare wed-fri and the weekends we have her all day. My daughter does not have a care in the world. We told her to get a job mon-fri and spend time with the baby - she doesn't. She does have a boyfriend who she constantly goes and visits. He doesn't have a real job but he does make money buy and selling car parts. My husband and I are exausted to no end. All we get is grief and attitude from our daughter. She tells me I am the problem. How can I be the problem when all I did was devote my entire life to make sure she had everything I never had. My daughter had more than most of the kids she went to school with. She contributes absolutely nothing. But when she needs me, I am always there for her. I feel like I walk on egg shells whenever she is around. I am careful of what I say to her because she goes off on me most of the time. Last night is what broke the camel's back. My grandaughter was crying to be with me and my daughter was holding her down and refused for her to come with me. My grandaughter kept crying her eyes out to please let her go so that she can be with grandma and my daughter didn't care - she kept preventing her from coming to me. Well, I couldn't take it anymore hearing my grandaughter crying out my name so I went and tried to remove her from her mother's arms and she yelled out that this is why she hates me so much its because I always go against what she says. I wouldn't go against what my daughter says if she could only stop treating my grandaughter as if she is her little soldier and my daughter is her drill sargent. My daughter said so many hurtful things to me that she even went as far as saying that she hates me, she can't stand being around me, she hates listening to the sound of my voice, she wants to get as far away from me as she can get, she says this is why she doesn't answer my phone calls when I call her or returns any of my texts. My daughter and I were soooo close at one time. She was my little mini me, she was my rock, my world, my best friend....what happen to her??? Where did I go wrong??? What have I done to deserve this??? Why am I being so punished for??? All I did was love my daughter to no end. I was always there for her and all I get is a kick in the butt. My husband is so tired of seeing the way she has treated me for so many years. She listens to him but she keeps telling him that I am the problem. She even went as far as telling him that she does not understand how he is with me, she told him he would be better off without me. How could my own daughter talk about me like this. I feel like she is my worst enemy. I feel that ever since my daughter gave birth to my grandaughter, she began to resent my husband and I. She must feel she no longer gets all the love and attention she once gotten from us and now its all about the baby. We have been dealing with this attitude since she was 14 - but its gotten way out of hand since my grandaughter was born. Everyone who knows me knows how much I love my daughter and knows everything I have sacrifice for her and done everything for her. They know I would take a bullet for her in a heartbeat. I feel as though my daughter is so lost and is crying for help. How can I get her back. I love her so much and it hurts me she is like this with me. I wonder if things will things will ever go back to the way they once were??? I miss the good times I had with my girl and I pray to god I will get my baby back sooner than later. There are times I don't want to live with this pain any longer. Thank you so very much for listening. Sunrise

You described your life then you described a repeat of your life. Your daughter is reliving your life maybe without even realizing it. You left her father he was a drug addict she left her husband he was overseas. Maybe she thought she would find the "love of her life" like you did. You moved back in with your parent be real, there had to be friction there it is extremely hard to share a kitchen. Let alone to have your child be in their grandparents home overriding your decisions for your child. She moved in with you same situation sharing a kitchen and parenting ideas nothing has changed still extremely hard to do. You worked very hard to care for your child she is working 2 jobs obviously working very hard to provide for her child. I'm sure your mother claimed the same thing we do everything for your daughter why do you fight us and not respect us more stuff that you are doing to her. Weather or not she idolised you she became you. I am sure you left your daughter to get a good education and to move on with your life. I am also sure you left your parents house for freedom to be yourself and prepare yourself for the type of parent you wanted to become. I wouldn't be surprised if she left in a year or so going to school to provide for her child. I just hope the granddaughter brakes this pattern that was shown to her as a example of what is acceptable. Because it is not I am sure your daughter holds resentment towards you for leaving her with her grandparents. I hope the granddaughter works or goes to college and works then meats the "love of her life" settles down marries and then starts her family. Because a repeat of this isn't the worst repeat but it is I'm sure sad and frustrating at times.

Having very similar problems.. All I can add here is after 30 years of trying to be a good mum is the fact that she is an adult and is responsible for her own life.. I tried my best and I'm not going to feel guilty or beat myself up anymore! The stress makes me ill and I've had enough... Sending love to all here x

I agree with you, TigerMum. I am a father in a similar position to many Mums in this exchange. I believe I was a good father to all 4 of my children and 3 of them tell me they think so too. I treated all my children equally but nothing I have ever done for my daughter has been enough. Now her mother and I are separated, she is cold and judgmental towards me and only contacts me for things that are important to her. She is 27, in a professional job, intelligent, living with her boyfriend and seems to have many friends, so she's clearly considered by people outside the family to be a nice person. Yet the same is true of me. There must come a time when we decline to allow our lives to be further blighted by toxic relationships. A point comes when, with love, we let our adult daughters move on with their lives in the way they choose and allow ourselves to do so too, rejoicing in those relationships we have that are successful. Parents don't own children, they are just lent to us for a while, to care for them. But children don't own parents either, we are just lent to them to care for them. All people deserve to love and be loved. I am sure everyone here did the best they knew how to do.

Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect
In my professional life I have had many experiences with mother /daughter conflict states. There is the normal cnlict state in which there are differences of opinion which take a minor amount of emotional energy to resolve. Then there are the extreme conflict states, that no amount of emotional energy will resolve. Here one needs to expect and anticipate a mental health disorder. A child, daughrer or son, who has a mood disorder, can fall into the habit of blaming a parent , not realising that mood problems are genetically programmed. A child may then construe situations, previously innocent, as being persecutory in nature and abusive. This then becomes a delusionary disorder. It may increase in intensity until a true paranoid schizophrenia develops. The child does not have insight and does not seek treatment. If an adult person, affected by such a mental disorder, seeks therapy it is usually for the associated mood disorder. The therapist may not contradict the system of delusions that the person has built up over the years, as the person will show extreme hostility to the therapist and vacate therapy. It is not really possible for a parent to intervene and contradict the delusions the child has created to protect itself from the realisation that he/she has a mental health disorder,

Thank you for your insight. I have sometimes thought that the only way this situation makes any sense is that my daughter is not mentally well. Your message reminds me to continue to love and have compassion for my daughter and to accept that I am not able to fix this. Your posting was very helpful. Thank you.

There is time when you need to save yourself from rude, lying and hateful adult children. Parents know in in their hearts all the good and caring things they did over the years for their children. Then when some reach adulthood they become critical, hateful and cruel. As you become older, they don't care what happens to you. Do not allow yourself to become ill and stressed. You owe them nothing...they are on their own. Move forward with happy plans for yourself. Do not wait for a crumb of attention to be tossed at you when they want money, etc. Cut them out of your will. That's what I've done and a wonderful feeling of peace has come over me. I have beautiful memories that cannot be taken from me but now I make new memories in my new childless life of freedom.

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I think it's timeout ladies take responsibility for your daughter's feelings. I've been estranged from my parents for 8 years now. In their eyes they have done nothing wrong. They miraculously forgot about everything wrong they did. In their eyes they were print of the year. And the things they did remember they tried to justify. This makes me sick to my stomach. That you people sit her like y'all do nothing wrong. If you want to mend the relationship with your daughter take responsibility. Admit to your rings and stop trying to play mother of the year. People don't start hating people they once loved over night for no reason.

Contrary to what some people may think, it doesn't always take "two rights to make a wrong". I believe the brunt of the problem is that no matter what you try to do, give, or be for one another, people are going to always be who they are in their heart. It's those dark places in a person that are normally hidden until you shine a light on them, that shows you the truth of who a person really is to the core. It's each person's responsibility to reach for the light and grow in it, and not to settle for, cling to, that dark side of human nature that we all are born with. As, I've always told my child, "I'm not taking on anyone else 's issues", at one point or another in this life you're going to face the choice of who you want to be. Do you want to walk around this earth being the darkness: with a bitter, unforgiving, selfish, lustful, greedy, self-pitying, mean disrespectful heart, or do you want to be the light: with a loving, kind, forgiving, peaceful, joyful, purposeful heart. Considering we've all been given free will, the choice is an individual one!! The bottom line is, we can't control our kids or anyone else on this earth. We can try to raise and love them to the best of our ability, we can be supportive of them,cry for them, pick them up when they fall and pray for them, but that's all that we as parents can do!! God Bless!!

CORRECTION: posted this too early in the morning for my hands to keep up with my thoughts:

two wrongs don't make a right instead of two rights don't make a wrong!! Also, everybody makes mistakes and nobody's perfect, including parents, but neither side should always have to apologize, that's where that heart of light steps in with the ability to be able to forgive. Three more traits of a heart of darkness are rebellion, anger and hate!!

If someone does something hurtful, or wrong, then they should always apologize. y god, what kind of people raised you to not apologize for hurting someone else's feelings? Maybe people would find it easier to forgive if people were actually sorry for when they wrong someone. And btw, parents are largely responsible for the places their children find themselves. It's not so easy to just "be nice" when you were abused or neglected as a child, or were not taught what love really looks like, etc. There are a lot of people out there that really shouldn't have had kids, but they did, and now are upset that those kids aren't really close to them. There's a reason for that, maybe take a look at yourself in the mirror instead of blaming other people.

And how cold you come off--no wonder your kids aren't close with you. I can just see you wiping your hands of them and just moving on. I feel for your kid(s).

So very true. This is one of the best comments I read in a long time. True to the core. Thank you

I have been willing to take responsibility so it is not so simple.I never claimed to be mother of the year ! I WAS NOT a bad mother but I am a human being that makes mistakes.I would like nothing better than to sit down with her but she doesn't want to try.The problem is that often our children don't tell us why they left and we are left wondering.

I don't know your situation so I can't comment.My daughter is 33 and I am not responsible for her feelings.They are hers and she is an autonomous human being.

I doubt very much your kid didn't tell you why they left. My mother says the same thing. Except I told her over and over that there were problems, cried and begged and forgave, always came back to believing her when she said things would change....And she doesn't even remember most of it. I suspect you are, like many their parents I find on these blogs, really disconnected from both yourself and how you treat your kids/treated your kids. If you raised your children well, they wouldn't abandon you. So why did they leave? They have no doubt told you, you just haven't listened.

Hi Mirandis: I wondered if you can help me out in understanding why your relationship between you and your parents is like this today???. You said at the end that people do not start hating people they loved once overnight. I totally agree with you in that part. I really would like to know from you how you got to this point with your mom and dad. At what age were you when you began to develop these feeling of not wanting to deal with your parents, listen to them, talk to them, etc. What went wrong??? Where did it go wrong??? Are you an only child??? I am going through very similiar situations as other women here who wrote of their experiences. I try and try so hard to find an answer as to why my daughter behaves the way she does...and I come out empty handed. I truly want to hear your story. I feel by you telling me what went wrong will truly help me understand what I am going through with my princess. I will be checking day in and day out to see if you responded. Take care and be well. Thank you.
Sunshine

Mirandis, great to get some input from 'a daughter' in this conversation. I don't know your circumstances and can only respect your judgment of your situation. I can understand, for example, not forgiving physical, sexual or emotional abuse. I think, though, you're wide of the mark here in the case of ThisTooShallPass. She has been very honest about where she feels she failed her daughter, and it clearly plagues her. Sure, parents aren't perfect; but neither are children, and however they have been raised, some do turn out to be just plain selfish, shallow and/or nasty adults. Even the least pleasant among us was someone's child once. But if children deal with their feelings by treating their parents badly or choosing estrangement, who's going to sign up to be a parent? It doesn't look to me like TTSP is, so to speak, "driving around in a Ferrari living in luxury condos having wild sex with multiple men". Rather it looks as though she has expended herself and her resources -and more - for the good of other people. What about you, do you have children, or planning to? Perhaps wait to hear the 'feedback' you get from your own children in time as they may not tell you what you would hope to hear! I didn't appreciate my parents properly until I had children of my own. And we should be careful - depending what happened - about depriving our own children of grandparents. I was lucky, I had a great Mum & Dad and as a parent myself I made sure my parents were very involved in my own family, until Dad died and Mum became too infirm. I'm sorry to hear of your experience, but when your daughter is in her late 20s or older, whatever the perceived sins, one would hope she was adult enough to find some forgiveness. I hope that perhaps in time you will find a way to release both yourself and your parents so that you can all move on with your lives. I hope the same for myself and my daughter.

Thank you for this.

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I've gone through the same thing with my daughter, so believe me when I say that I understand and I feel your pain. My daughter is putting me through it right now, but I've learned from it and I've grown much stronger from the experience. One of the biggest things I learned is to "owe nobody but to love them". Another is, once I've done all I can do, I've learned how to let go and let God!! You see, He's in control of everything, even our daughters hearts, and when it seems like Satan has their hearts in his grasp and is controlling them, well the God I know and serve is bigger than Satan, shucks He's bigger than anybody, including our daughters strong will!! Just pray and never cease, He's working on it, and she'll come around one day, once He restores the love in her heart. She's in pain right now, just as you are, but Dr. Jesus is a healer. As a matter of fact, He's the only legitimate healer on this earth, and His specialty is broken hearts and broken relationships!! Just have patience and keep the faith, and God will restore everything you two lost!! Love ya, God Bless

Wow, I find it sad that so many religious people turn to an imaginary friend and pray, instead of getting off their ***** and doing something to fix the mess they've made of their relationships with their kids. Glad you've gotten stronger from the experience of losing your daughter. Is she? Poor thing, she deserves a mother, not a cuff on the head for being in need of mother's love :(.