My Husband Is Insensitive And Self-centered

I have two kids; 20 and 22.  I've been married 9 years to my husband.   I work two jobs.  My primary job takes approx. 50 to 55 hours a week and my second job takes about 15 hours per week.  I work the second job to put my kids through college (thier biological dad is a dead beat) and to make our lives more comfortable - travel, don't carry credit card debt etc).  My husband works one full time job totaling 40 hours per week.  

When my husband proposed to me 10 years ago he was excited to be a father to my children.  During our dating period he was romantic, a gentleman and spent time with the kids.  He told me at our wedding; "thank you so much for making me a dad."  Since our wedding things have gone downhill.  We bought a house a few months after the wedding.  I was concerned about our finances so took a second job to ensure we could cover the mortgage and bills.  While working my second job he didn't spend time with our sons.  He spent all of his "down time" building a man-cave in our basement.  This could have been a positive thing had he asked the boys to help him so they could learn how to work with thier hands but this never happened.  Instead my husband complained to my dad, sister and his family that I was a "workaholic" and insinuated I was a bad mother for not being home and watching the boys.  Meanwhile he overspent on the "mancave" taking full advantage of the extra money I brought in.  He never cooked for the boys, never cleaned up the house.  He simply disappeared into the basement when he came home from work.  On the days I didn't work my second job I was home catching up on the cleaning and laundry (he told me he doesn't do those things).  I put my foot down and told him to pick up the slack or I'm quitting my second job and we would have to adjust to the change.  He promised things would improve - and they always do - temporarilly.  This up and down roller coaster is exhausting for me.  He says he hates it when I work the second job but was all-for buying a second house (a forclosure - great deal) and paying two mortgages for 6 months until the first house sold.  For the last few years my husband has taken up the obnoxious habit of partying on my work weekends.  Yep.  He invites his friends over to the house and parties while I'm at work.  He sometimes goes to my brother-in-laws house to party as well - driving home intoxicated.  Recently he's taken up hunting.  He's golfed over 10 times this summer (I didn't have one opportunity to golf) and has more tools than any guy I know (reaping the benefits of my second job).  I asked him to make a space for my car in the garage so I don't have to scrape it and warm it up in the morning.  He cleaned the garage and proudly told me; "great - now I have room for my truck..."  He will not cook, clean, do laundry or anything around the house other than "man" work and project work.  This means I work every other weekend, work my 50-55 hours during the week and spend my weekends off cleaning and feeling used.  He's told his friends that I will not allow him to party with them and refers to me as "the warden."  Augh!!!

occnur occnur
41-45, F
10 Responses Dec 27, 2009

I've studied Psychology for 26 years and I can tell you that it's NOT the laziness that worries me about your man.It's the lying and manipulating.

I have a feeling that were dealing with a person that tells people what they want to hear so a VERY SELF CENTERED Sociopath can get what they want.

I think you need to get to a therapist and print this page.The way you tell the story really helps others to see the whole picture ....which I find to be haunting.If you can't get a therapist to bounce this off of then consider quitting that 2nd job he hates.This will give you a rest and you can always go back to a job if things get awful.The time off will also let the " WARDEN " study the convict a little closer.

I bet in your quest to make it all good and by working so hard your sex life went in the *******. Men are like lions they wait for the prey and pounce love has nothing to do with it. It is a shame that you went from one dead beat and then made the second a dead beat. That said he is using you as a work horse. I think your best intentions have been taken advantage of but I bet you need his income and he knows it. And myself I have two boys 19 and 17 a tad bit younger and as much as they say they love me I would not count on them to do a thing. I have long since spoiled them, so you are not alone and two kids 20 and 22 are on the boarder line of adult hood. This man has little if no respect for you and your kids, time to make a change, but then again you cant afford that it is a tough road you are on. Yeah I know the sex thing is a typical man response but it is probably what brought the whole plan to this point. Good luck, stay strong and when you can kick him to the street.

I hope you're able to find peace. he sounds like a user and a piece of ****. if you don't have any kids BY him, say goodbye.

Without him there you could live on less, and probably you would have more time to enjoy the things you like. Who knows you may find someone who appreciates you and that can be emotionally supportive. My husband helps around the house but for being sensitive he isn't. wishing you lots of energy. Sounds like you need it. love2day

Divorce may sound like a great answer but I am on husband number 4 and too old (50) to keep starting over. I had many discussions with my husband before we got married about not turning into someone else after the wedding vows. All I wanted was a "normal" husband, someone who would come into the kitchen and help with dinner by making a salad, I didn't expect anything ridiculous like a man who could actualy cook. Our routine now is when the garbage is full in the middle of my making dinner in the kitchen while he is watching tv on the couch, I take it out and he says "sorry, I meant to do that". This is every other day. He let me stop working to pursue my art but now I am responsible for everything there is to do at home including the lawn. I know I am not alone because every woman I know is mowing the lawn around here. I'm now going back to work because he bought a new truck that we can't afford, I'm not doing art because we don't have money for shows or fr<x>ames, and being a "housewife" is worse than being a slave because on top of all of this, they want sex. I don't think women are the problem. My mother didn't work and never touched a lawn mower, dad took care of her, he did the hard dirty work. Men these days have no shame. I'd have considered getting a divorce but my husband has a job. It's the only redeeming quality I can come up with.

wow. i feel like **** for complaining now. my husband cooks better than i do.

My husband is so insensitive. When my dad died 2 months ago, my daughter who lived with him and my mum telephoned me and informed me that dad had just collapsed and died. It was about 5am. I immediately began to cry. My husband beside me in bed, made no attempt to know what was wrong or put his arm around me or show any concern. Fast-forward. This morning I had a bad dream that mum had died. I woke up and began to cry. It was so real. My husband, as usual, no inquiry into my crying, no concern etc. Later, I asked if he would like a cup of coffee. His response "yes!". In the past, I had noticed how he would be more 'touchy' with the gardeners: eg. putting his arm on the shoulders of a gardener or with another gardener, chatting amusingly and discretely.....and with yet another gardener: setting him up in business behind my back after I had fired him for stealing. He never touches me in any shape or form. We have had no sex in 15 years. The first 2 years when we did - it was quick 1-4 min. ....with his eyes closed...I didn't know whom he was 'doing' it to. Yet he can be so generous in small ways, some times. He is good to my children (from a previous marriage). When I need assistance to start a business - he is always willing to assist me financially and, in any other form. He will occasionally buy me a ticket if I need to travel abroad. etc. BUT in matters where emotional support is needed......ZERO. He is not emotionally involved in the marriage. Our relationship is purely platonic. ANYBODY out there who shares a similar maritial experience?

its amazing how men make promises when they get married and then dont live up to it.<br />
Ive got a mommys boy thats just as bad. but I feel sorry for you. leave him hes not good enough for your time and effort you just a meal ticket to him


u sound so desperate y dont u divorce him n find am real man.....

that sounds horrible I am so desperate to help but yet I am no known person to you I hope that "man" beats up the slack and trys for once in his life..