My Husband Is Not Happy

I am going through the exact same thing. I am 21 and been married for 2 years. My husband says he doesn't feel anything. But it is my fault i pushed him away the last couple months. i shut myself down and didn't open up to anyone. Bad memories came flooding back. I wasn't the wife he wanted. i feel like i am needy so much. He told me he doesn't feel anything and has felt like this for a while. I grew up with a lot of home problems and i brought that into my marriage. Bad idea. I left my home on bad terms with my husband. I hit rock bottom. Then i came back a week later from my mom. I talked and he said "I told you there is no hope, you would be trying for the both of us." I have been back for 3 weeks. and asked him today on Christmas if what i was doing was helping any he said he still feels the same way. nothing. But i know damn well he still loves me its the little things he does. We went from not touching to me coming home and 2 weeks later having sex. i mean there is no passion but sex. he lets me hold him while he sleeps. he lets me touch his leg while he drives. A man who does not love his wife would be irritated by now with some one trying so hard to fix this. i told him that i am not giving up, i do not want to be a 21 year old divorce'. He is my one true love and i am going to fight for what is right. and that is us. i came looking for help and stories of hope because i know this can get fixed. He does not want to go to counseling. But neither did i at first now i see that if i go i will go for myself. to get every thing out in the open. He does these little things that make me fall in love with him all over again. I feel bad because i lost sight of what a wife should be doing. That is taking care of her husband cooking cleaning and intimacy. I shut down while my husband still tried. Now he took his ring off and shut down. HE is one tough cooking to crumble.But i believe in GOD. It is in his hands to show my husband the change of heart that i had. that i can not lose my love, love. I have not left the house, it is ours. We still sleep in the same bed but he has yet to tell me that he loves me and misses me or hold my hand or even hug me. Baby steps, People call me strong. I believe that i am because Of the love that i have for him. The hope the belief that god put obstacles in our path not to stop and give up but to push through. he would not give us nothing we can not handle. My husband work is hard, i do not see us separating anytime soon because he leaves every couple months for 2 months. that will give him time to think and see what he misses. I want him to come home to a home cooked meal and a wife who loves him. i want to make it easier on his life. i know he says there is nothing there but i honestly believe there is. Marriage is something you work through and do not give up. If he is unhappy try to make him happy. If there is one person who still loves in the marriage then there is always hope. <3

Do i sound like a stupid child? or should i keep trying?? Do you think there is hope??? 
tifanielovesme tifanielovesme
4 Responses Dec 26, 2011

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Nobody can answer that but your husband. It seems that you need a temp separation at least. His work is a good solution. Then he'll know what he wants to do. The hand on leg & other "signs" are you misinterpreting him not wanting to offend you. U said he ALLOWS u to hold his hand. He should crave it not just tolerate it. Sounds insensitive but you can't cling when ppl need space. Everyone including you is entitled to be happy and if you BOTH arent in love its time to let go. I went thru this too its awful I know. The best advice I followed was give him the space he wants...& more. Don't seem desperate bc it's unattractive. I used to be SO pathetic and desperate for my then boyfriends attention. I was terrified that if I ignore or gave him a temp separation he'd think I didn't love him or want him. NOT TRUE. I gave him about a month of not calling him or seeing him. He could call me if important otherwise I'd say I had to go. It was a grueling yet satisfying process. I saw that he was finally chasing me!! Today we've got a 9 ur old & are happily married. Guys need a reality check on what they have...or don't have! However sometimes it's just not gonna work. There's nothing you can do. It seems like you like control and his feelings arent something you can control. It'd be like telling you that you MUST love somebody that you aren't in love w/. There's sadly no on/off switch for emotions. Good luck! Stay strong you'll get thru it!

What you are hamging onto is memories, not the present. In your story you mmentioned twice that he has no feelings and nothing has changed. what I see is a huge set up for a huge heart break. You also mentioned that god has set obsticles in ways that may help your marriage. If my memory serves me right, the will is not his when he has given free will to us. he also says that he does not have the power to force us to love him.

I'm sorry that this isn't what you had hoped for. I do feel that part of the story you mentioned that you left your home on bad terms and it sounds like going from one relationship into another. A family to a husband. There is a song titled I can't make you love me if you don't. Perhaps its time after you do have counseling, if he is still the same, why waste time in trying to fix what can not be fixed or change a mind that is already set

I am in the exact same position (well, to a degree). I'm 27, and my now ex-fiance and I had been together for 7 years. When we were 22, we had a baby unexpectedly and were forced to grow up a lot faster, and deal with learning how to be parents and what it means to be in a family. 2 days before my 27th birthday, out of nowhere, he told me it was over and that we were done; that he didn't believe in "us" anymore. It felt like a steamroller drove over me slowly, then reversed and did it again. I was in shock. I had a nervous breakdown that led me to attempt suicide, and on my 27th birthday I was admitted to a psychiatric ward for a week; where I found out I was suffering from bipolar. I had been on medication for ADHD/depression, but the medication I was on is what was causing issues in our relationship because they caused me to become easily angry, depressed, and unable to function normally daily. We argued, but everyone argues; our arguments were just more explosive than other people's at times. Finally, after months of begging and pleading for our family and relationship's sake, he came home to reconcile on January 14th. 2 weeks after that I found out he was cheating on me before we broke up and that he had done it again since coming home to reconcile. He told me he had no feelings for me; that he didn't want me, and didn't want to get back to the happiest feelings we once had. It was like a dagger to the heart being spun around over and over. I'm still struggling every single day because he just announced his re-departure on February 22nd. I'm still begging, but it's not working. I am the only one with belief, but I am starting to realize that if he really doesn't want it, then I can't make him want it. You're very, very young, and have every opportunity to rebuild your life; especially since you don't have children. If he's been telling you for a while he has nothing for you, and you're still there kissing his ***, it's just driving his ego and making him feel like he can do and say whatever to you and you'll always be there. I've learned that through my own experience presently. Maybe if you tell him that you want him to leave for a while and figure out his feelings, it'll wake him up and make him realize what he's missing. If he doesn't realize it, then you have to start accepting it somehow. Its easy to say, but believe me I know it's much harder to do because I'm still teetering with "it's over, just accept it" and "it can't be over, we were so happy and have a family - he can't just NOT love me anymore all of a sudden". It's the hardest thing to hear (that he doesn't love you or have feelings for you anymore), but everyone keeps telling me that there is someone out there who will love me all the time for me, and who will not quit on something so easily. Nobody can tell you when to stop trying because only you know what your breaking point is. But once you start to feel like you've entirely lost yourself in the process of trying, and compromised yourself and your wants/needs all to try and win back his feelings, it might be time to re-evaluate what exactly it is you're fighting for. Do you want to keep trying because you're ashamed to be a 21 year old divorce'? I know how that feels to be ashamed because I feel like there's some reason that is my fault that this is happening, but it's never entirely one person's fault: it takes 2. I am a hopeful person, so if you're not at the end of your rope yet, and can close your eyes and still honestly SEE something turning around (not just WANT it, but SEE it), then keep going.....but if you're staying out of shame, or fear, it might be time to let it go. I wish you the best of luck. Let me know how things turn out for you! Keep your head up, and cry as often as you need to because it helps release emotion; no shame in that! Take care!!!!