Whats Next?

As i come up on my 20 year anniversery,( 24 years living together) my wife and I are closer to calling it quits then ever before. We both still love one another but are angry over the way things have recently evolved or the way things have been for too long. My wife has struggled through out her life with addiction issiues and it has cost us both in many ways. In spite of this I have always loved her deeply and been committed to trying to make things work. ( even when they haven't)
Over the years, we have struggled through several tough times that most of my friends would have ended the relationship over. In my heart I always knew that inspite of her actions, she loved me like no one else.The problem was that even though we were still living together I was growing increasingly angry over her lack of help. She was unable to hold a job for any period of time. The house was a serious mess, like something from "Hoarders". I was working rediculous hours and on my time off, doing grocery shopping, laundry , and other housework .
We have a beutiful 10 year old boy that we both cherish, and he loves us both, but she is more like a friend then a parent and I'm stuck being the parent to both of them.Still I have allowed this to go on for years.
A few months ago my wife introduced me to one of her friends that she really liked. I liked her too. We had a great time the three of us talking and hanging out, such a great time that my wife asked what I thought about including her in a 3 way relationship. In spite of being excited about the idea, I said that I was nervous that it would ruin our freindship and that I was concerned that my wife would become jealous. After lil more time and lil more reassurance from the two of them I gave in. It was great!!! What a wonderful time the 3 of us had, we were all respectful of the other and continued to see more of each other. It wasnt just the sex, we were making diner together, walking the dogs, playing cards, cleaning our house and getting motivated. My wife seemed like a new person as did I. Not long after this started my wife got a part time job up the street in the evenings 3 nights a week. When she was working, I would walk with the girlfriend and her dog then she would come over to our house and help make diner for my son and I . We would eat, play cards and I would walk her home. Things seemed great!!, The problem was that my wife who was hating her job, and not being home with us in the evening started to get upset over the amount of time we were spending together. We said how much we enjoyed each others company and were not doing anything per our aggreed rules when the wife wasnt with us.( But we were falling for each other)
our hope was that we could build our relationship intoo a Polyarmous, but the wife was not intoo that idea. She tried a little to let it go but it would eat at her and she would loose it.After about 3 months of some wonderful and not so wonderful times we ended our relationship between the three of us. Yet my head and heart still longed for the girlfriend . Things quickly went back to the way it was before for my wife and I except now we were both hurt over different things. Her that I had fallen in love with someone else, me that she refused to give it a real try for me when I felt that I had put up with so much stuff over the years.
We have had some of our worse fights, (usually her being drunk) and have both poured our hearts out till we feel their is nothing left.
Our finances make thinks even worse because like most we are struggling month to month. We are trying to keep civil now and she has said repeatedly that she wants to work it out, but she will not accept me continuing a relationship with the other girl. I'm still in love with the other girl but I dont know how that will work either. I just feel like everything is totally screwed up.
crazyman38 crazyman38
51-55, M
10 Responses May 15, 2012

You have walked into the bed of hot coals and are now standing in the middle of it, trying to decide if it;s hotter to go back the way you came or go forward. Either way, you're likely to get burned, perhaps it is worth the scars if you want to make a life with this new woman and leave jettison the mother of your son. You wouldn't be the first,believe me, to want to lie in the bed he's made. But you can't just stand there.

besides, does your son have any say in this?

That would be a hard task. It's hard enough to keep one women happy two would be a nightmare.

So how did it work out after being put thru the emotional blender been there done that 30 yrs ago. No 3 way but all damage

Turns into a beautiful disaster and then you try living with it

you mus give you some more time!

It sure is screwed up

This sounds like quite a mess you have gotten yourself and the two women into.
Where do things stand?
Have you seen a counselor about this or have you given up on the idea?

After one hell of a year , the girl friend is trying to move on as we are. And yes it was a hell of a mess.
I found happiness that I hadn't felt in a long time with the other woman, but I was unable to give her what she had wanted and needed. All that was happening was I was failing both women.
Heart breaking.....

So sorry to hear that, sounds heartbreaking indeed.
The way you describe it, it looks like your marriage will survive this?

As the world turns. The girlfriend has been back now for over a month and the wife seems to be trying to accept that they both deeply care for me and that maybe this can work for everyone.There are no lies or secrets. I make sure that Im carefull of both their feelings. I hope that this can become a close family for everyone.

well, things have settled , the gf is no longer in the picture, after relizing that my wife would not give up, the gf did give up. everyone was hurt in different ways, but my wife did not want to end or take a break from our relationship. She has since gotten a job, is helping around the house and we are both trying to be more considerate of each others feelings. The gf I hope is doing ok, I have not seen or spoke to her in over a month. When we last spoke it was a tearful goodbye on both accounts, and well wishes for all. I truly hope she finds someone that will appreciate her and give her the things she needs. I wish the three of us could have made it work out, but my wife just couldnt handle the idea that I loved someone else too. The biggest thing is that our family is still together and our son is happy.

Well we have decided to work through this and much to the girlfriends heartache , my wife and I are trying to learn from the experience and move forward in a positive way.

Does anyone have a suggestion?