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I My Husband Had An Emotional Affair

Emotional Affairs Are Devastating To A Marriage

By: donnarjones
Written on October 16th, 2009
Age: 61-65 , Female
3,226 people have read this story

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12 responses
  • sofiaelishabet

    Usually and most of the cases the affair is not over when the wife thinks it is over.

    Almost always it contenues secretly. The man gets a secret phone that he lieaves at car, or office and uses different emails and just gets more careful and answers the wife's calls when with the mistress.

    Please Wives dont buy the bs that the affair ends when you get find out. Most of the cases it ll not.

    Men lie...

    Aug 19, 2012
    2 likes
  • experiencenow

    pls read

    The autobiography of a Yogi

    Regards and Blessings and Love and Light.

    Nov 27, 2011
    1 like
  • NOMOREBULL

    ITS THE NEW TYPE OF AFFAIR - NOW THAT THERE ARE CELLPHONES.. MY HUSBAND OF 30 YEARS - HE IS 64 AND I AM 58 - HIRED A VOLUNTEER STAFF AT OUR CHURCH. SHE HAD 2 KIDS AND NO HUSBAND - JUST A DRUG ADDICTED BOYFRIEND. MY HUSBAND WAS TEXTING WITH HER 25-30X A DAY. I DIDNT CATCH ON RIGHT AWAY BUT WHEN I DID HE WAS FURIOUS AND CALLED ME "JEALOUS , A FLOP , A SMALL PERSON , FEARFUL, ETC. MANY MANY INSULTS. HE SAID THEY WERE "FRIENDS" AND "WHY SHOULDNT HE HAVE WOMEN FRIENDS?"( OUR MARRAIGE WAS NOT DOING TOO WELL AT THE TIME BECAUSE HE HARBORED AN OLD RESENTMENT TOWARDS ME ABOUT A FIGHT WE HAD 4 YEARS AGO OVER MY DAUGHTERS BOYFRIEND. ) I HAD BEEN TRYING TO MAKE IT NICE AGAIN WHEN I NOTICED THE TEXTING AND WHEN SHE WAS AROUND HIM SHE OPENLY FLIRTED AND STARED AT HIM. I DID A VERY LOW THING AND LOOKED IN HIS CELLPHONE WHILE HE SLEPT. THE MESSAGES WERE FULL OF SEXUAL INUENDOS. ALSO SHE WOULD CALL FOR CHATTING ANYTIME WITH HIM. ONCE WHEN WE WERE OUT ON A SATURDAY MORNING TOGETHER HIS PHONE RANG AND IT WAS A MESSAGE FROM HER JUST TO SAY"GOOD MORNING" !!! WE ARGUED FOR 7 MONTHS. ! HE" WORKED" WITH HER ONLY WHEN I WAS AT MY JOB. WHEN I SAID I WOULD CHANGE MY HOURS AND COME TO WORK WITH THEM (THEY WERE ALONE) HE CAME UP WITH A LAME EXCUSE WHY I COULDNT. I ASKED THREE TIMES OVER THE COURSE OF THE 7 MONTHS. SHE NEEDED HIS HELP ALL THE TIME TOO. HE WAS LIKE HER PSEUDO-HUSBAND. WHEN I FINALLY GOT HIM TO GET RID OF HER HE MISSED HER & THOUGHT OF HER ALL THE TIME . NOW SHES BACK AND IM LEAVING! AND BY THE WAY I SPOKE TO HER ONCE AND SHE SAID HE FELT HER LEGS WHEN HE TOOK HER HOME ON HIS SCOOTER. HE DENYS THIS. HE ALSO WAS ALWAYS GOING FOR RIDES IN HER CAR WITH HER TO DO ERRANDS. I GIVE UP!!!!

    Feb 27, 2011
    2 likes
  • Patti9953

    I hav also been married for a bit, 33 years Friday. First and foremost this isnot in anyway your fault,

    HE chose to go outside the marriage for what ever is missing inside of him. Were you having problems, maybe. but he CHOSE the wrong selfish way to deal with those problems. Are you in counseling? MArriage counseling? If not then find a good couslor and go it will help you with the anger. Eat well drink alot of water and walking helped me. I still walk every day! Clears the cobwebs from my head.

    What he doing is called trickle truth. only telling you enough to keep you quiet for a bit. It's horrible and abusive to do that but it's quite common with men in the scenario. Do some reseach on KISA syndrome.Knight in shining armour syndrome. It might help you to understand the whys. AND chances are ALOT more went on than just coffee and sympathy. They always affair down. I have been walking this difficult road for 10 years now and am at a crossroads in my life. I'm 57 and REALLY don't want to start a new life alone but I will NOT let him do this to me anymore.

    Feb 14, 2011
    2 likes
  • LizzieF

    Hello,



    You need to find some answers and personally I think you are owed them. If your husband is really sorry then you need to find the root of the problem so that it can be dealt with.



    Firstly I would point out that there is a great deal of evidence to suggest that if a spouse has an affair the couples that can discuss the affair stand the greatest chance of getting over it and putting their marriage back on track.



    Secondly, you need to find out what has caused the emotional affair in the first place. I am sorry and this might not be entirely what you want to hear, but your husband could have some needs that you are not meeting. This is why he took the opportunity to have an emotional affair in the first place. It is very important to get to the root of this issue and address it so that the same thing does not happen again.



    Nevertheless you are the innocent party, he did not have to have an emotional affair, there are other ways to bring issues to your attention. But the issues need to be addressed.



    Try some counselling. If you are religious, try and discuss things with your minister/pastor/rabbi/elder etc. You may need to change your counsellor if the first one does not suit. Mainly you need the counsellor to act as a mediator so that you can get your points across.



    You deserve honesty so that you can put your mind at rest.



    Best wishes,



    EF

    Nov 9, 2010
    1 like
  • TheWidowedMistress

    You can lose a battle and win a war. Any kind of infidelity is a form of communication. His actions, his needs, his desperation is telling you something. Only you can know what that is...but I would incourage you to take inventory of all facets of your relationship, not just the ones that make you happy, and try to determine where things really stand. Are you still meeting all of his needs?

    It is okay if you aren't-nobody here will ever know the difference but you. However, you have a real opportunity to reinvigorate your connection with your husband. If you choose to wallow in the weakest moment in your relationship, it will be the one that determines its outcome. Look for the best and let it guide you.

    Good luck!

    Nov 4, 2010
    2 likes
  • gooseandbucket

    Hurtful as the experience has been, you have to acknowledge the fact that your husband got something out of this relationship that he was not getting from you. I would guess it was a level of intimacy that has probably been lacking between the two of you because you simply know each other so well. It happens to people who are together for a long time. My guess is he felt needed by this woman who could ask him the 'male perspective' on what she was going through. I'm sure he was flattered by the attention, and the subject matter makes their conversation intimate by definition. My guess is that you would feel the same way, were a younger man to seek advice from you. People don't stop needing to give and receive emotional support. The irony is that your marriage was probably in such good shape, so comfortable, that you didn't need that explicit support from each other. You are a victim of your success as a wife!



    Having said that, I suggest not being so heavy-handed with the ultimatums; you're only going to look like a shrew and you will drive them closer together. It is possible, even likely, that your husband has lost none of his capacity to care for you, but has been carried away by the rush of having someone confide in him and look to him for advice.



    My advice: be nice to her husband. Befriend him. Tell him you are upset about what has happened, and only he can truly understand what you are going through. Either you will find a similar bond with this man, which will help you to understand your husband's position, or else the attention you pay to him will spark a response from your husband. Don't under-estimate the power of jeaousy.

    Mar 1, 2010
    2 likes
  • HikingBubbie

    similar experience, with 32 years of marriage. my hubby would go walking at a local park and mentioned to me he had noticed several times a younger single girl there. later I found out he was seeing her regularly (no sex), which he did not mention to me. he then made a date with her, which I did discover, and put a stop to it. however, whenever he could, he would go the park, especially if I was not home or at work. later, I would go with my husband to the park and this single girl (who is 18 years younger than my husband) would do sexually provocative things to indicate she is receptive to having a sexual encounter with my husband (in front of me!). they would flirt with each other, also in front of me. this is also not the first time he has flirted with women. we went to marriage counseling (which he suggested), and the therapist made me feel like I was over reacting to the situation (would not even listen to how the single girl has been acting sexually provocative in front of my husband), that it was OK for him to have female friends, as well as stating that it was OK to flirt, because flirting "makes people feel good." my husband adamantly assures me that he has never had sex with any other woman, says he's sorry for hurting me, that he loves me, and feels he can change. but I still cannot get over how he flirted with this girl in front of me, lied to me, would sneak behind my back to see her, etc. and how far it could have gone, had I not found out about it. I too am older, but do not have a big extended family, etc., so the thought of being alone scares the heck out of me. he has stopped seeing this girl, and seems to be trying. so, I guess I have to accept that people can make mistakes and move on. but i still go into emotional slumps now and again.

    Jan 5, 2010
    1 like
  • Luckyman0046

    After 45 years and many situations where you forgave and have forgotten. Maybe need to win back the spark that kept you for so many years. Only few had survived for so long Sure there is a magic that exist. Best of luck

    Dec 20, 2009
    1 like
  • pinkaggy

    I really feel for you here, and I understand how your feeling as like many others I have been in a similar situation.



    It is really hard to let go of what happened but eventually you will. Also you must remember you did nothing to bring this on.



    "Goahead" has some good advice in people make mistakes its how many times they make them thats the difference. If you both have gotten through 40 years of marriage without any infidelity, you both have done well. It sounds like he is sorry, and if he really is you will know.



    Counselling is another option and with the right counsellor it can really help.



    Ask him again the questions you have, tell him again how you feel, then perhaps go on a holiday together. Afterwards try not to dwell on the negative and concentrate on the positive. (you will eventually find some)



    Best wishes

    Oct 17, 2009
    1 like
  • goahead

    First let me say you did not cause this he did. I belive to forgive you have to forget, and its the forgetting thats hard. I also belive people make mistakes the difference is if they make the same ones over and over. Only you know what you can live with. God Bless

    Oct 16, 2009
    1 like
  • nivek191

    Sounds like you need to reconnect with the old man and rekindle that spark that seems lacking. You should also confront the younger woman and protect your rooster.



    Seek counseling if you can and good luck!

    Oct 16, 2009
    1 like