How Can You Hurt Someone You Have Loved So Much?

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and have definitely had our ups and downs.  We have always been in love and never lacked in our attraction for each other.  For all his faults, I never expected my husband to be unfaithful.  His first wife cheated on him on several occasions and he always has had strong opinions against anyone involved in any sort of infidelity.  I guess it started when life suddenly got really busy and his job required more hours so that we spent less and less time together until it was practically non-existent.  He became "friends" with a girl at work and it escalated.  I found hundreds of texts and some calls between the two of them and it devastated me.  When I confronted him, he said they never slept together and he had already ended things the day before because it "got too weird."  Well, a week later I had to confront him again with more calls and texts.  Two more times this happened and now supposedly they have no contact.  I have not found any evidence to the contrary and he has been spending much more time at home and I don't have that gut feeling that I had while they were seeing each other.  He definitely is not acting distracted, moody, defensive, etc (all the signs of an affair that were there before).  How can I trust him, though?  How do I know he hasn't just learned sneakier ways to talk/see her and now knows how to act when he's at home so that I don't become suspicious?  How do I manage to stay sane every day when he's as work, knowing she's there?  If he has stopped seeing her, how do I stop wondering if he misses her or thinks of her when he's with me?  How do I stop imagining them together in every possible way?  At one point, I thought I was losing my mind with so many crazy paranoid thoughts and then fortunately I did some research online about marital affairs and realized everything I was feeling was completely normal and all the behaviors, mine and his, were following the same pattern that other spouses in this situation have.  I never imagined how much something like this could destroy you emotionally.  I've been depressed and moody not to mention crazy-obsessed with checking cell phone records and mentally going over every possible scenario.  I don't even recognize myself lately!  Before this happened, I have never looked at my husband's cell phone records--not one time.  I was unknowingly ignoring the signs until one night that gut feeling had grown enough that I just felt something was telling me to look at his cell phone, thinking the whole time that of course I wouldn't find anything!  Now I'm not sure if I can let go and move on completely from this.  At first, when he told me things were over, I spent all my time and energy focused on my husband and making our marriage stronger.  I became the perfect wife who was always doing things to make sure her husband knew he was loved and appreciated.  Now the anger and resentment has set in and all I can think now is, "why am I making all the effort?  I didn't betray, hurt and disrespect him!  He should be doing everything possible to make this up to me and reassure me."  Unfortunately, my husband is displaying the typical behavior in this situation and trying to go on as if nothing ever happened.  When I bring it up, he says, "Nothing happened!  I don't even see her at work since I avoid her at all costs!"  Which is not what I need, not to mention he has told me he stopped contact before and when questioned still maintained this right up until I presented cell phone records as evidence.  So he should be able to see why I can't fully believe this but of course he doesn't  and if he does he denies it.  To me, this is a huge deal and I know there is more than what he has told me.  And even if there isn't, when I think of how much time and effort he spent texting back and forth with her and the effort it took to continuously hide it, all the while, distancing himself from me, our marriage and our two small children.....well, unbelievably painful. Today I feel committed to strengthening our marriage and keeping our family together but every day, sometimes every hour, is a roller coaster twist or turn in my emotions and I can honestly say I don't know how I will feel tomorrow.

KimmyH KimmyH
31-35, F
4 Responses Feb 22, 2010

I am going through this right now. My husband has been having an emotional affair with a married woman for the past 5 months. How I found out was when she started texting him at home. At one point he would lie to me and tell me it was his sister texting. I was getting this nagging feeling and had to look at his phone which I never had to do before. I read their messages where they stated they enjoy being together. Well that did not sit well with me. He told me it was cause she was easy to talk to....she is just a friend. After that he started to delete all his messages between them. Even when I told him it makes me believe more is going on, he kept doing it. One day after work, he was asleep on the couch. I had that nagging feeling again, so I looked at his phone. All messages were deleted, but he did take a scream shot of one where he told her he found her attractive. All this time, he told me he didn't. I became furious. He told me he would tell her it would have to stop. Well it didn't. I was having mental break downs. It kept going on. It is only a friend he would say. A month and a half later, she no longer worked where he did. Thought it would end. We wen on a family trip also. As soon as we got back, she texted him saying how much she missed him! Again, he told me it was nothing and was deleting all messages. He did not want me to over react. The messages slowed down for a few weeks, then she started texting him everyday again. I felt so threatened that I was talking about ending my life as he wanted her more. That day he told her it had to stop. It did for 5 days. She started again. Now the messages were getting more sexual. Just a few days ago, when he thought he deleted all incriminating messages, he did a screen shot of a message where she wanted to have her hands all over him. I completely lost it. He told me it will end. I sent her a message that it had to stop. She replied back to him that it was just joking around. Her husband has no idea that this is going on either. I can't get that message out of my head. I am afraid it will continue on. We have been married for over 20 years and have never felt so threatened. I love him and do not want to lose him. Not sure what to do now.

I have gone EXACTLY through this. I cant believe it. I know the rage you felt, my man kept talking and talking to this married woman who had kids on the internet, and he never got off, and i noticed how long it would progress and they have even webcammed etc...it was the last straw for me. I told him it was me or her. The phone records were there, the chat was there ( i caught him saying he will even come visit her)...he became emotionally involved with this woman. he stopped everything after i threw ALL the evidence at him. I was harsh indeed, i waited until i had everything to break it to him. And i don't regret it even though i love him. He understood and of course i havent regained most of his trust back, but checking the phone records and him not even online much anymore has calmed me a little. There will always be that lack of trust when something like that has happened. Even now, i dont know if i want to still be with him. Its a gist of what really happened between him and her, and it just hurts.

Kimmy-<br />
<br />
In your post you said that you have recently become the perfect wife. It sounds as if maybe you know that, with the strains of life, you were giving less than he deserved or you had given in the past-that you had stopped being "perfect." To a man, that is abandonment. He spent nights wondering what happened to the woman he loved. He most likely pined for you through a "rough spell" and while you were hoping it would eventually resolve itself, someone else started to make him feel the way you used to. He was lonely and felt unloved.<br />
<br />
Although we don't like to admit it, men have emotional needs too. <br />
<br />
If the affair has not gottong to love, but is only a passing daliance, I promise it is all about you. He was looking for the love you gave him with another woman-a stand in.<br />
<br />
If you consider that maybe he was lonely, he was resentful and perhaps he felt betrayed first, you might see things differently. The good news is that you nipped it in the bud and you have an opportunity to reclaim your relationship. I hope things work out.<br />
<br />
XoXo-Megan

I am in the same exact boat. The only difference is that we have been married for 18 years and several different women including a single neighbor across the street. It has been 3 years since I found the text messages, the phone calls and the emails.We have one child left at home and will be gone in two years. I have also struggled with the obsession of checking his phone and email. Then I get so angry at myself that I waste my time on doing it. My husband did the same thing, it was no big deal, it was harmless flirting, telling me that I'm the one with the problem that I am overly jealous and insecure. We have been to 5 marriage counselors. Yes, I know what your thinking, I must be nuts, but it is totally exhausting and in between I would need a breather just to survive. Also like you, I have not found any hard evidence of an actual sexual affair and that is one of the reasons I have stayed. I know in my gut, that he has even though I can't prove it and it's that little bit of doubt that keeps me hanging on. One was a married woman at his work that is no longer there. I took care of that. The one across the street, I did confront and she has recently moved. Without seeing any texts messages, the worse things I found was an email to a woman that is out of state that he obtains information from that was flirting back and forth and some negative comments about me. We also had an agreement that we would not go to lunch with the opposite sex and he did not abide by that either claiming that it was no big deal and didn't tell me because i would overreact. Even though he is the one that stated the agreement. He has made little comments that has led me to believe that he possibly could have had an affair. I struggle with this on a daily basis also. When I have tried to talk to him about it he will either tell me I am blowing it out of proportion, or he will go half way with an answer or not answer at all. Even though I have said I would never stay with a cheater, I was so desperate I told him lets just put everything out on the table and no matter how bad it is I will forgive you as long as your honest. Nothing. I look at him and have absolutely no respect for him what so ever. I don't even know how he can look at me and not know what I am thinking. My mother said their are two types of people, those that do not want to know and just let it go and move on and hope it works out and those who have to know and will not stop looking until they find it. Maybe we are the second type and the type that should leave for our own peace of mind. Sorry so long.