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My Heartbroken Husband

i have been married to my husband for what seems like a life time. he is everything to me, my warmth, my strength, my best friend, my lover.... i have been walking around thinking that maybe he had fallen out of love with me or maybe he was just tired/board of me. but after many attemps of spiceing things up there was no change in him. I was starting to think he just did not have the heart to hurt me and tell me he has fallen out of love me.

we had a heart to heart talk about this and in a nut shell. the truth is that he has for a very long time been hateing himself. he says that he love me but he doesn't love himself. After listening to each word that came out all i want to do was make all the pain go away but i didn't know how. i suggest getting some help, but he says it to late for that and i'm to old. I tried to reassure him that he is not old.

I love him. i don't think late 40's is old, do u?( any men out there, please, if you could help me,,,,,,,,,,,,, 

reject reject 31-35, F 6 Responses Jul 27, 2007

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I would first start out by trying to find out why he doesn't like himself. That would be my number one goal. Did he just hit a wall or something in life or at work? Maybe he doesn't like the situation that the is in but doesn't know what to do about it or maybe he feels helpless and doesn't think that anything can be done. I wouldn't give up though I would try to talk with him as much as you can and that he will let you to see what is going on in his head.

Although it may not feel like it, you have already made some vital progress. Getting him to admit that something is wrong, and to reveal to you something as deep as his self-hatred is a often an enormous leap forward in older men. There is no doubt that he can be helped, and that his life can be a lot better, and that he can love you again. I would suggest you do the following. (a) Read up on depression in men, and decide what is relevant (b) Keep talking to him and supporting him (c) Make a safe space for him, peel back the layers - *why* does he hate himself? What has happened? What does he hate about himself? How has he failed? Obviously it takes time before he will discuss these things, so slowly and gently (d) continue to urge him into action to solve this problem (e) *do* stuff with him, or encourage him to do positive, active things with male friends. Men are typically creatures of action and activity, inaction crushes self-esteem. (f) keep your own support networks strong, you will need them to successfully help bring him round again. But change is very possible, and in the end may not be so daunting as it sounds. Good luck. :)

Does your husband have any friends? He needs to speak with someone that has no affiliation with either of you. Someone who can look at the situation abstractly and offer some advice. I seriously suggest marriage counceling... If you have to.. tell him that you need it for yourself. Talk to the councelor before hand about your problem with the current situation... before you mention it to your husband and ask for a good way to present him with the offer... If it comes down to it just say that it is something that you feel that you need to bring both of you closer together again because you feel you may have been drawn apart for some reason or another. If you can make it sound like it is not a fault or shortcomming of his then he may be more willing to to participate as aweful as that sounds :P

My Grandmother in her late eighties, nearly twice the age of your husband, and she is still a lively and vibrant woman. You husband is not old at all.

Hi

To you both,I am not a man but I rad your post and felt so sad . I dont think your husband is old at all , he has a lot of life still left to live .I think something must have happened for him to feel this way towards himself ,have you been able to ask him why he hates himself , and how long has he felt this way towards himself,I think if I was you I would let him know how much you love him , and together you will find a way through this . Hope that helps a little.

take care pip

Hi

To you both,I am not a man but I rad your post and felt so sad . I dont think your husband is old at all , he has a lot of life still left to live .I think something must have happened for him to feel this way towards himself ,have you been able to ask him why he hates himself , and how long has he felt this way towards himself,I think if I was you I would let him know how much you love him , and together you will find a way through this . Hope that helps a little.

take care pip