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What I Mean By "My Husband Ignores Me"

Hello,

Can anybody relate to this?  My husband and I have been married for MANY years now, and things have just gone from bad to worse.  When I say that my husband ignores me, I mean that.....

1)  He NEVER calls me during the day

2)  He never asks me how my day was, or what I did.  And the rare occasion that he does ask me, he walks out of the room and doesn't really want to hear my answer.

3)  I can't talk to him, because it's like talking to a pile of mashed potatoes.  It's not listening to me, and it doesn't care what I'm saying!  Ha Ha

4)  Any big news that happens to him, like he's going to go out of town, or somebody got hired or fired at work, or he gets medical test results back.... he tells OTHER people at church before he even thinks of telling me.  What's worse, he'll break the news about something WHILE I'm sitting there at a group meeting with him, and I have to hear the news at the same time that everyone else does.  HOW DEGRADING IS THAT???  I even call him on it, right then and there.... but it just doesn't phase him. 

Friends... please share your stories if any of you can relate to this misery that I'm in!!

THANKS!

 

Psalm23 Psalm23 41-45, F 230 Responses Mar 27, 2008

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Yes me to i feel so hurt i

feel disgusting to him unimportant

Unfortunately I relate entirely.

Yes same here

Yes I can relate same stuff here

You're not alone as you can see. I have been dealing with this as well. I know that my husband is not very happy about a thing or two with me right now as well, but I have been feeling this way for a few years now and if ever I try to openly and honestly discuss things with him it seems to either get rejected (through his clearly being annoyed or angered by the discussion) or not taken seriously (through his joking or facial expressions) or I just get stonewalled and shut down as far as he is concerned and it just really sucks. I get this constant feeling that what ever needs I may have that are not being met are my problem and mine alone and that he would much rather not even be bothered with having knowledge of anything. I also know that he likes for me to meet his needs and that his needs and concerns should be something that I care about when he want me to, but if he does not want me involved in something, I just have no business asking the simplest of questions, or being involved in any way. Examples include:

1)Telling me he doesn't care when I share simple things with him. If he has no interest in the topic, like the Olympics or me running in to a friend that day or whatever I hear, "I don't care" after sharing something with him. It is very hurtful. In my mind I hear "Another thing you talk about that bores me, don't talk to me about it again, now go away, I don't want to be bothered by you" and that is it. It actually hurts me very deeply every time he does this now. I blew it off at first just thinking it was no big deal, but the more I deal with it the more I accept that people do this kind of thing to people they see as unimportant and dismissive. There is no use in saying anything about it to him though because:

2) Usually when I try to reach out to him about things he does that hurt me they are minimized by him and then it turns into an argument and we are back to the situation I stated in the beginning of this response. I have decided, as of yesterday as a matter of fact, when I was once again dismissively told he "doesn't care" while sharing something simple with him, that there is really no use in any of my attempting to let him know how it makes me feel. He doesn't care and he doesn't want to be bothered and he pushes me away a little more each time and if he's OK with it than I should be more than OK with not caring anymore either.

3) the sex issue. Oh God the dreaded sex issue. When he wants it I should give it, when I want it, well, you know where this is going and where it has gone, does go, and will go, for so many other in marriage. He usually falls a sleep before me while I'm taking care of the kids and for bed time (which really tells me a lot about how much he enjoys it or is willing to put some effort in to it, nothing like choosing sleep over sex that your partner would really like to have and enjoy. As you can imagine this also kills me inside in relation to my marriage). Pushing away once again, but once again, can't share any of it with him. So often told to deal with our marital problems alone, only that tells me I am alone in the marriage because last time I checked it takes two involved people to make a marriage, Not one invested person who cares and one who opts out and checks out whenever they feel like it.

4) and final example and the most painful by far, and one that involves me being part of the problem , I do suppose. I take responsibility for my part in this one, but the pain was just so immense and it created such trust issues for me that I still wonder If I made a huge mistake in sticking around. My husband called me ugly about two years ago. I'm not so petty or insecure that that alone would have caused such distress and resentment though. No. He told this to the police after I called them due to his being drunk and disorderly. I felt I had to that night. It was so terrible, and he quit drinking right after that incident, but what happened that night was so awful to me. It really just broke my heart and my faith in his feelings and respect for me. What killed me the most was that he did not even know I was listening to the conversation. He though I was tucked away in the house and could not hear him, but of course I could, even inside the house. Me and OUR CHILDREN! He was very drunk and the cops were removing him from our home and he said, "She used to be cute, but look at her! Have you seen her? She' not cute any more, just look at her, I mean come on!":(...... The humiliation and painful part did not even end there. The cops came in and told me I should make a decision about my marriage because "he is out there and he is just" cop rolls his eyes, then proceeds "He is just not happy at all it seems". Heartbreaking nightmare. Your husband pouring out his dissatisfaction with your physical appearance (that you never even knew he had any issues with, and you never had issues with because you find yourself attractive and so do other people, many other people, usually!!) to a bunch of strangers unaware of the fact that your wife and kids heard you. It didn't end there though either. After being removed, he had to call my cell phone sloppy, sluring drunk, just to make sure that I know just how hideous he finds me to be by leaving the message "You know, your such a *****! We had a good run, but your not cute any more and I'm done" Then he tries to come back home drunk the same night and when I don't let him in he is screaming "Is this it, are you serious?! This is how you want this to go? Are we done now!? Let me in!".......




Truly horrible, and I have never cried more deeply or painfully than I did that night. I waited for him to pass out outside, which he did, and I took the kids and left for several days. So much pain and I just accepted that we should probably throw in the towel, cut our losses and move on, as painful as it was. So...needless to say, we got back together and decided to try to fix things per his insistence. We did a couple marriage counseling sessions, before we lost our sitter for them and could not afford another one, and things seemed to be going really well for a long time, but this is where it turns in to me being partially to blame for things as they are now. I have never been able to forget or let go of what he said, not deep down inside anyway. He swears up and down that he was just drunk and angry and being a hurtful POS, and that he did not mean those things he said, and that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, no matter what, even when I'm not done up or working out right after waking up. He says he finds me very sexually attractive and blah, blah, blah, but the issue is that I never fully believe him anymore, because who am I to say whether it was said because he was drunk and angry (for no reason apparently because we were just home that night, no arguments happened or anything before his unleashing of the rage and hurt) or if it was that he was drunk and telling his own personal truth about how he sees me physically? IDK and I never really will and that is the problem.

I am not accustomed to being told I am ugly or undesirable. I was not used to it when it happened, because I don't think I am. Men have always flocked to me to be honest without sounding boastful, but I have aged some and I have children, but men still comment to me on my attractiveness and flirt with me at the gym or the store or where ever. All different ages, styles and types, so IDK. I

It is just so sad an lonely because if he looks at me the wrong way, or looks a any part of my body for too long or falls asleep when I want sex, or if he notices any other women any where or looks at them to long in my opinion (which to be honest never bothered me before because I knew/thought he found me to be just as beautiful if not more so), now I am convinced it is because he finds me ugly. I am convinced he finds flaws and fault with my appearance all the time and just hides it from me. I am sure that he feels cheated in the "My wife's looks" department and that he is hanging on to this marriage for some other self serving or financial reason. Why not. Free child care, maid service, cook, laundress, and occasional sex partner when he has a need that I can provide for. My part in this thing is that I have not been fully convinced of his attraction to me ever since that night and the resentment and sadness and pain will sometimes come flooding back in, usually after one of the triggers mentioned above and then I have to/had to say something or fish for some validation that he finds me truly attractive -not any longer because it's a useless action if I am looking to get any objective outside help or relief on my feelings of physical inadequacy in my marriage. It's just a waste of time and feeling and it gets us no where, because I am convinced he meant those words he said, and everyone knows that calling your souse ugly to a bunch of stagers is no good for a marriage, but neither is the "Remember what you said?" or " I can't for get you said that" or "Well, I guess your ugly wife isn't pretty enough for you to be nice to today, what's wrong, do I look especially rough to day and so now it's time to be a ***** to me!?"

Yes, I have said these things to him also, more than once, and I know they sound juvenile and just like some insecure nut case who can't let the past go, but like I said, I have had to deal with these alone essentially, because he has always tried to avoid acknowledging how much that BS hurt and how much it damaged my trust in him also. Even though he apologized many times and has quit drinking, and teels me he loves me all the time, as he always had, there has also been this kind of flip attitude, IMO, from him in regards to that night and all that went down. I am once again told "I have apologized many times. I told you I said it out of drunken ager and I didn't mean it, you have to let that sh@# go or we do need to get a divorce!" and then there I am again, left alone with one of the most painful things that I have ever experienced, and it involves him and I really just need to figure it out/deal with those negative feelings alone and grow up and move on. "Don't bother me with it" is basically what I hear, and that seems to be the main theme of our relationship lately.

You know I'm on the brink, just like so many other people. We were honestly so happy for a long time. Very connected and secure with each other and grateful for each and we would laugh and be close and happy, until the last few years, and really I don't know if I can take anymore of it. I told him the other day that I can't handle any more rejection form him and I get "How do I reject you? I don't understand what you mean when you say that" ??????!

I noticed that those weird, insecure, "what is he looking at now" and "I feel so ugly" feelings ONLY happen around him and that certainly does not bode well for our marriage because I want out and away form those feelings and It would take some positioning, which I am working on now, but it make me want to leave and feel free to be my confident, beautiful and happy self again with out him silently cutting me down and finding fault with me in his own brain.

Sorry this is SO REDICULOUSLY long, but it feels so good just to get all this BS out in any way where the person or people reading it don't know "us" or me. I can't tell anyone in my family about it, I can't talk to him about it and I won't share it with my every day, in person, real life friends either. I still have not fully decided to leave yet, I have my reasons, and yes, one is that I still love him very much, and that may make me look stupid or like I don't value my self very much but neither one of those are true conclutions. I am like on the fence right now, carefully weighing things out and working through deciding if this marriage is worth saving. Again, can't talk to him about it because as far as he's concerned it is not just worth saving, but he "still happy" in the marriage and thinks I am just making problems where there are none. We will be going to marriage counseling again, per his request after I told him about not being able to deal with any rejection from him any more and him saying he "wants to figure out what that means and fix it", but To be honest the fact that I don't feel comfortable and accepted when it comes to talking to him about things in general makes me wonder if the final damage has already been done and there is no getting back to a happy and secure "us" as far as I'm concerned anyway, and like I said it does take 2.

Honestly, I understand the feelings completely. I have a similar problem with my husband. Except he takes it a whole new level. He will spend 16+ hours a day locked in the computer room and the only time I see him is when and if he finally decides to go to bed which is very rare too. The worst part is that not only does he stay locked in there all day long, but he will be in there ************ to **** about 90% of the time. He refuses to even have sex with me because of it until after weeks and sometimes even months of me complaining about it. And by then its no surprise that I am so depressed and hurt that I can’t even enjoy that little bit of attention.

My biggest issue with the whole thing is that if he would just spend even one day a week having sex with me I wouldn’t be bothered by him watching ****. But he doesn’t the longest I’ve gone without having sex with him was 6 months. 6 months of being completely ignored tends to destroy your ability to even enjoy it when it does finally happen.

Plus every now and then he will pick a date and time for us to have sex or at the very least spend a little time with me. You know what happens when he does that? He never follows through. I will wait four or five days past the time and day he picked to even mention it. When I do mention it he throws a fit and uses that as an excuse to ignore me for a longer period of time. And the minimum amount of time he will use that as an excuse to further ignore me is a week the maximum is several months.

He doesn’t work, we have no children and I literally do everything for him I cook, I clean, I even walk down to the store to get him cigarettes when he runs out. Does he ever appreciate these things or think maybe it would be nice if he some attention for all the hard work I do? Of course not.


Hell its actually so bad that he won’t kiss me unless I kiss him first, he won’t show me ANY affection at all no kisses, no hugs, no I love yous unless I do it first and even then its flat and uncaring. I spend day after day crying alone because it bothers me so much. The saddest part is that there are so many men out there whose wives refuse to have sex with them. But no one ever considers the situation being reversed. And for a woman to be neglected by her husband it honestly is just so much worse. I feel bad for the men whose wives refuse because I know exactly how horrible it feels.

Never once have I ever even considered rejecting my husband when it comes to having sex yet he constantly rejects me over and over again nearly every single time. The thing is that when our male friends hit on me, then and only then does he act like he actually cares about me and will go off on them. It would be nice if he felt this way all the time instead of only when he has another man to compete with.

I think we are wed to the same man HAHA! I am in a relationship of over 25 years with a alcoholic who no longer drinks . He belittles me insults me patronises me , accuses me constantly of the craziest **** and never does anything nice for me unless its a cheap bar of choc he threw into his shop at aldi once a blue moon

Wow that is my husband 100% 😤

My man doesn't even seem to realize that when he books a ticket to fly over to see his mother (who is ill) he might just tell me so before booking. He just tells me that he'll be gone during the last week of January. Being a housewife with grown-up children this means I have to stay home alone, notwithstanding that I have offered to help out with his mother, but he didn't even care to mention this to her.
He used to call me, but nowadays he doesn't and he even doesn't answer my calls nor text. Since the birth of our son, who will be 19 soon, we have had sex 3 or 4 times, and that is long long ago. I begged for it, the only answer I got was the he thinks it's his fault and that something is wrong with him. He never wanted to see any doctor or shrink or any specialist though. I felt bad and closed this part of me, feeling like some bad woman, wanting bad things. I feel ugly, maybe I m repulsive. I am seeing a doctor about this, and she thinks this is not normal.
Anyway, he has some nice contact with colleagues at work, mostly young fine and slender asiatic woman, whom he helps to move (because they don't have a car), with administration (because they need assistance), whatever, he's the nice helping guy.
I have the impression that I become more and more obsolete.

he has some kind of affir going on with one you can bet your bottom dollar!!

I am in same thing, I just got married 3 months ago and I found out alot of thing that I don't know about him and when I ask he just don't say anything or like always tired, I don't really know what to do

im sorry shata iv heard more stoires about that

Well my husband totally ignores me when it comes to sex we have been together for over 5 years and we barely have sex sometimes every three months, he is not cheating but is just in fact lazy. He goes out with his friends Friday Saturday and Sunday just to avoid me asking him for sex or companionship, I am tired of this no matter what I do try to dress sexy come on to him or anything, it is like I am a burden.

Funny how that works....sort of like they feel once your married, they did their part? My wife went from wanting sex twice a day to once a year...then nothing....I tried everything I know of?

my husband always ignores me but he's very happy to go out with his loved ones..when he tells me i'm allowed in my car he either refuses to take me out or screams a t me in the car.i wan to leave but i have nowhere else to go,i am disabled and i need help to go out..in may he said his 50years old son could stay here..his son was left a house when he was a child but he's blown the money with his first wife,he left her for another woman,they got married then they split up,he came here to stay,he then went back to his wife and they split up again,he still see's her..he wan the best of both worlds.he's in a dead end job and has refused to pay any money,his dad admires him so much and hates me,i would leave but i'm disabled.i can only see one way out of this mess

Well ladies, I'm welcoming myself to the club. Good to know I am not alone in my sexless, ignorant excuse of a marriage.
One thing I learned over 30+ years while being married to the NARCISSIST, who is shallow, coward, and probably doesn't have anything positive to hold on too- SCILENCE is GOLDEN!. Me: I am very attractive still in my early 50, man looking at me all the time. I am Brest Cancer survivor and , after severe treatments, my sex libido is truly very low. In fact, I do not consider sex alone as big pointer for a marriage: hugs, simple cuddling, normal respectful talking and listening will do for me. I can be just happy with walking and holding hands, even without talking. Some of these mentioned things only happened to me before marriage. Than , few days after- all was forgotten : dating is over, and nastiness was welcomed. My only regret: I should of divorced these many years ago, yet I came from culture, embracing marriage. My own parents would not ever support me, and will be ashamed of me if divorce would happened. So, I just didn't have enough guts to do it than, at that time.
Looking back though, I also had no idea about all this psychologists mumbo-jumbo staff. Now I do know and educated myself regarding how to heal, and not to attract crappy relationships. Good thing is my husband also scared of divorce; besides only lawyers gain from it. In this economy , going back to poor house in my 50 is no option for me. My son is adult and lives with his girlfriend. He is in good terms with me. I live my own life, and my husband has his own computer and TV. we are roommates, sharing bills, and house expenses. There are no parties, and mutual hobbies, nothing. I am thrilled to have my interests, we are both working, and trying not to see one another, my weekends are spent the way I like, with friends, or by myself, and I never felt lonely.
If not for the money, or assets splitting, I would definitely move into another place. yet we both learned not to interact with one another, and that is my blessing.
My husband is quiet type, and I am totally OK with that, in fact I absolutely don't care who he is, I just don't bother. It suits us both well.
Take my advice: you can make YOU happy, you don't have to wait for your jerk of a husband to make you happy. Trust me: the moment you embrace this thought will make you POWERFUL!
And guess what I am so HAPPY

Hope you are well jovio....there are agencies and laws to protect the disabled. Or i can just be a listening ear if need be. Praying for you.

I feel your pain. My husband ignores me most of the time.

It started about 4 years ago out of the blue. But I know the reason. He started cheating. I'm not saying that's what's going on in your situation. All I know is that was the problem in mine.

I hope for you things get better.

I agree with the person that said find a hobby, do somehting that gives you value.
Unfortunately these husbands seem to thrive on being the center of attention and take most initmacy outside of marriage.
My husband is a different person at home than at work or outside our home. After years of counseling and requesting things like date nights, a walk, and such I decided it isn't what he wants and I will not push for more than he wants to give.
After awhile it doesn't hurt as much and is less demeaning.
I want to respect him.
I have learned to keep a little space for myself. I don't enter in to most of his "conversations" and just listen to him talk. When Iknow I have reached my limit I beg out of the conversation.
Although my husband enjoys his profession and has very good skills he really does not have much confidence. By this time in our lives I know I really cannot help with this problem. He is a sincere guy that needs alot of compliments and distance.
To all those who suggested leaving, having an affair and such I urge you to take a look at why you are in the current relationship. I suggest you not have an affair or such. Life is difficult enough with going into mulitple relationships.
You can come out stronger by simply not tolerating insults and inconsideration.Not tolerating doesnot mean demanding behavior. I simply had to learn to withdraw from insults, and some situations. Usually others in the room are more embarrassed than you when your husband takes on a "telling all."
It is possible to recover from the damage. Recocery takes discipline, finding healthy sources of positive input and taking care when to interact and when not to.
I also look to see my own faults in these situations. At first I thought I was the entire problem.....now I realize I am part of the problem......not the entire problem:)!
These guys make these choices for a reason...while it have found it helpful to understand why it has been more helpful to learn why it hurts so much and understand our relationship does not define my worth unless I lake the discipline to choose my behavior.

Good post. An affair is not the answer. I recently read that most men who have affairs, have affairs with woman less attractive than their spouse. Less intelligent, and less compatible. So why have the affair? I think it is more about having someone who they don;'t have to live with, whom they can spill their deepest secrets. Someone who they can cry with etc. To me this sounds absurd. But maybe so.
I blame myself for our problems....I wanted as close a relationship as I could get with my spouse. Sex, snuggles, long walks on the beach, etc. She said she wanted all this, but when it came time to decide...TV or sex....she chose TV.
A walk on the beach or TV. TV won again. TV or the kids....again TV wins. She says it is the only way she can de-stress? I disagree, but my opinions are not welcome. OH I have made her miserable....as I was very lonely in my own house. ( our house ). I snap at her when she wants conversation. I purposely walk out of the room when she needs to discuss "work stuff". Why would I do that? Well, it all goes back to feeling rejected. If I wanted to discuss work stuff with her, it was always..."I don't want to hear this" or the popular..."Why are you telling me this?" So I decide to return the favor. Now I am sorry I did.

ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!! I have been living the same nightmare for almost 6 years. Like you, he only communicates to me when talking of money. All the broken promises. Date Night once a month, he checks my e-mail, (HOPE YOU GET THIS JACKASS) HE has all of my calls, texts, and voice messages sent to his phone. The reality is, HE MUST BE DOING SOMETHING WRONG, SO I AM SO TIRED OF THIS. 23 years of my life, not all bad, but I am only 48 and gotta whole lot of life left to live. He also is deaf but has hearing aids, he chooses when to wear them, so I GET YELLED AT, I AM EITHER TALKING TOO LOUD OR TOO LOW. HE recently did our income taxes jointly and never told me, I found secret bank accounts, I got so angry I smacked him and I DO KNOW THAT WAS WRONG, HE IS 6 FOOT AND OVER 350 POUNDS, I AM 5 FOOT AND 110. MY nail scratched him, he called 911, OMG, I WAS HANDCUFFED, FINGER PRINTED, AND TREATED LIKE SCUM. THEN ONE MONTH TO THE DAY, HE DID IT AGAIN, OH DON'T FORGET, THROUGH ALL OF THIS HE LOVES ME. I am having a very hard time getting over this, he only said sorry when I bring it up. he told his mom, I punched him, and God knows what else. I HATE HIM, HATE HIM FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE TO US. I AM OUTTA HERE

Holy crap, sounds like we're married to the same guy haha. We have a 2 and 3 year old who just started school this year so it's been very trying and emotionally hard keeping it together and just waiting the year out until I get myself together and take off with them. Anyway we should keep in touch.

pls pack your bags girl.....calling 911 on You is just plain crazy and ridiculous.....

wow, 911 really. My wife called 911 once on me...I won't get into why, except to say she got hauled away in cuffs, not me. She had no injuries and I was bleeding. I got her bailed out right away, and she has never hit me like that again. I told her next time, no cops, but that I would hit her back. So far she has not tried that again. Why she can't have an argument with out violence is beyond me!

how has he been able to have your pass word to your e-mail,

HE has all of my calls, texts, and voice messages sent to his phone. HOW???

i gusse there is no answer how he got ur pass word?

2 More Responses

I just googled "my husband ignores me" kind of, at a loss of words at the moment.. and this was the first link I clicked, and well.. I can totally relate with being ignored. I found out he was having affairs about 3 months ago. We both agreed to work on spending more time with each other, and fulfilling each others needs. Which I think was code for his needs really lol. Every time he has something to say I'm all ears. I don't walk away unless its for a moment if the kids are fighting. Once I start talking he starts texting or doing something on his phone or computer. It has gotten so bad at times that I can't control myself and break down screaming and crying.

I am sorry, I am right at that point. Screaming and crying. Who is that upsetting? Us? I think so. I am so confused but working on how to just live my life, let our daughter finish college, then take off. I have had enough. I wear sunglasses to hide the pain in my eyes, and of course I have two daughters older, BUT, they always say I am over reacting to everything. They don't see or hear how he treats me when alone. thinking of taping him. I have audio, but I mean tape tape. I have now been inspired, I am gonna go out tonight. hope you are ok lua, let's stay in touch. xo

Good, cause I'm doing the same thing. Looking back I've regretted every moment with my wife, 2 beautiful kids, otherwise I would of thrown her out.
Women mutate, leading to depression, boredom and god let's not forget the don't like intimacy, but she'll never admit to it. I just think ****** are the answer, they request nothing and anything they say is bullsh**, at-least money is their only gain.

The truth hurts!!!

i got love marriage past 4 1/2 years.now just a small insident he went away from home without caring me and my son.that happen also came from him just becoz he is getting calls from another girl.now i have called to his parents they are saying as ur wish if you want to stay eachothers u can stay otherwise take divorse.i dont know what deccision i have to take.after getting marriage even mangalsuthra gold coast(2000)he didnt brought for me

LOL @ talking to a pile of mashed potatoes...had to laugh at that one!

Meanhile, your guy sounds like he considers you last. The fact that he wants to tell everyone at church his "news" to get attention and feel important...news that he hasn't even told you yet, says it all. He puts others first before you. The very fact that he doesn't tell you says that he thinks you don't need to know. I would stop reacting to this. When he yabbles on, act like its nothing that you didn't already know. Act like you don't even care. Act like you never even heard him speak. Act like he does when you talk to him. Act like a pile of 'mashed potato'.

I suggest that you find some other interests/hobbies, and some new friends (or re-establish old friendships with existing friends) and start having a life that doesn't include him. This means both male and female friends. Then, when the conversations start up at church about everyone's recent events, just imagine his surprise when you loudly announce your news. You can gleefully describe the wonderful bible studies you have been doing with your new buddy Mike who you met at aerobics class, or talk about how fun it was going horseback riding with Jenny (who you used to party with at highschool- wild times!) and etc. Even if this isn't exactly the truth, perhaps you can take a little creative licence and embellish it. Just a little. Say for an experiment's sake. I mean, it could be worse. You could suddenly announce that you are leaving him for a hot young cowboy who happens to own his own ranch, and wants to spend time with you and tell you all his news, every day. (Just imagine...and you know, if your husband isn't careful, it could turn true one day , haha)

Develop a whole other life that doesn't exist inside your husband's bubble. Keep him on his toes. Taking you for granted is and ignoring you, is a big mistake. If he doesn't appreciate you and include you, there are plenty of people out there who will.

I realise (from your reference to church) that you may be religious or churchgoing and etc...but you know, God doesn't expect us to be doormats. Nor is your husband fulfilling his marriage vows. Whatever you choose to do, good luck.

Just know that you are not imagining it, and you are not alone.

i love this !!!!!!!lol.....
the only thing is why suffer ?
leave.......

Wow there's some sad stories here but you are not alone!!!


A Lot of this behaviour is surprisingly TYPICAL of men in long term relationship (like Plshelpme1 mentioned). They forget how to love and stop seeing that you are special. You need to jog their memory WITHOUT getting into an argument!

read 'How To Teach Your Husband To Love You' & 'Fascinating Womanhood'

April 18,2013Yup, I can Relate to your Issue....was looking for some insight myself; as I'm struggling on what to do. I don't want to be unhappy, sad, hurt any longer.... I have been married for 17.5 years and together for 21years....we have our good and bad times, Just like any other marriage. We have two children, 16 and 13. I work 40 hours; he works 45 to 55 a week.. before I had kids I was 130lbs. I got pre-clampsia twice and weighed over 200. Weight and smoking was a battle for me and I quit smoking yet to gain more weight.. He always, said I was beautiful no matter what...But lately, The Verbal abuse I just can't take anymore....I'm Ugly, I'm Fat, I'm Lazy, I don't do ****. I ruined his life etc. (I'm not a ugly girl lots of peeps say I'm beautiful) every jab kills and pushes me away father. He seems to forget I work a 40 week, cook, clean, do laundry, take kids to school, help with homework, shovel snow, yard work when needed where all he has to do is go to work, and then get to go out and drink,...I do all Banking and bills/payments so he has no responsibilities in that..(trust me I don't want it and tried pawning it off several times)..I made a Budget several times per his request, he just blows it. Im' to the point to where I just don't care i don't have the energy for a argumentI can never get my hair cut again cause he hates short hair and says its for dykes; so I bought extensions, just so that can get thrown against me in a fight that I spend his money....almost every night he goes to the bar....ERRRRR yes without me...sometimes I go with him but we don't sit by each other and he ignores me ( so whats the use of going)...I feel alone and unwanted.I don't know the last time my husband said that he loved me or kissed me and actually meant it.I have joined weight watchers lost 50 lbs and still cant get his attention.I have to beg for sex from him, and when he don't feel like it he yells, at me and says if i don't like it go find someone that can give it to me when i want it,...(whats up with that) maybe if he wouldn't drink all the time he can get it up. I don't know I try to plan stuff for the four of us to do and its always no no no that's dumb or stupid or he just don't want to.... if it's not what he wants then its a no. I have told him he is an alcoholic and that I'm worried and that just turns into a screaming and argument match. It's really not fair to the kids to hear it so i just cry in silence. I even planned a vacation to go to Florida, Where I saved most of my checks from. nope he didn't go, but he sure had fun on his drinking binge, and he told me I needed to pay him back for the money I used for the trip???? I begged for him to go with us...his excuse was he couldn't afford to take the time off, we could he just spent the days at the bar. I miss what we used to have, I'm not sure what to do. I have tried to talk to him. I have mentioned counseling. I have mentioned Divorce. I just don't know what to do or how I can make it without the help of his income with the kids...should I stick around a few more years till the kids are out of the house?Am I crazy, Is this normal guy behavior, or am I being a whiner!Signed UNLOVED

Wow, that sounds like a really awful situation. Your husband is a slob, a bum and a jerk. It also sounds like he is exploiting the fact that you take care of everything and is just putting his feet up and coasting along on the easy ride while you do everything. If this was me in this situation, I would get really mad, and then really calm, and really determined (I am sure that you are already determined and by the sounds of it a VERY strong woman, kudos) but I would formulate a plan. Firstly, shut down your emotions, and stop taking it all personally. It's not you, it is him. Secondly, divorce is going to be very expensive for him. Not to mention inconvenient. So play that card. Go and see a divorce lawyer, and ask them to set out a list of expenses that your husband would need to cover including legal fees, child support and spouse maintenance. Print this off and keep a copy handy. Then, I would sit down and think over everything that you do, and delegate the tasks and chores evenly. Make that lazy, abusive ***** of a husband pull his weight. Think it through, and make a set of new rules, and write them out, and give them to him, (both the list of chores and the list of potential divorce expenses) and tell him how its going to be from now on. Men are stupid, and need in-your-face situations to wake up and take action. Force him to make a choice: he can toe the line your way,or he can face an expensive and draining divorce.

(Or, alternatively, you can go find a nice wealthy man to have an affair with, and rub it in his face when you leave current husband and marry him. Just a thought. ^_^)

Time to stop crying and start cracking the whip. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

Also, like I said to the lady above with the 'mashed potato' husband, it is high time to consider some outside interests and hobbies. Re-establish a life outside of the marriage. It doesn't have to involve expensive hobbies, there are community groups around, and plenty of other things that don't cost a thing. Like jogging, or walking clubs even. Art shows. Etc. Go and mingle, make new friends and meet people. Do NOT take him to these things. Make him stay home with the kids and mind them. Heck, I bet you have done enough of that to this point. He owes you. Just get in the car and go. Force him to mind them. Tell him if he bails out, you will call child services or something. Do NOT take the kids with you to these events...it is your time out. Worst case scenario...if husband is too much of a bum to be trusted to properly and responsibly mind the kids, then arrange for a sitter or enlist some friends who might be willing to help you save your sanity by babysitting them while you go out for a few hours. Or ask the local church for assistance. Anything. Go find your happiness. Good luck :)

My husband talks to me, but he does not listen, he talks on and on about himself and what he is doing and if I say anything about what I did - or read or whatever, he just sits there staring into space we do not have conversations unless they are about him.

I can totally relate to this. On top of everything you listed, when I try to state my opinion, the first word out of my husband's mouth is "no, you're wrong". I'm usually not. But he really doesn't care at all about my thoughts, feelings or opinions. I've been a teacher for 18 years now and I would rather be at work than at home. Everyday that I'm at work, people come up and ask for my opionion. They quote me and they say they've been thinking about what I said. Not everyone agrees with me, and I don't expect him to either, but people at work will listen to what I'm saying, care enough to try to understand what I'm saying, then state their point of view. Sometimes I change my opinion and sometimes they change theirs. I know I'm intelligent enough to be cared about at my work, but the way that my husband talks down to me, talks over me, and belittles me, it just kills my self esteem. I don't even know who I am anymore. I used to be strong and brave. I felt like I was such a good role model for my daughters, getting a BS in math and a master's in languages. I've held down a job. Bought a house and cars. I was so strong before I met my husband. Now, after 15 years of marriage to him, I feel like I'm totally forgotten - by myself too. It's so sad and lonely. I cry most of the time when I'm at home. I feel bad for my two little boys - one I had with my husband and one we adopted. I feel like they are learning females are nothing of importance. We're just here to take care of the males. Work two jobs. Pay the bills. Clean and cook. Walk around and pick up after them. He would never have an affair with a human. But a gaming system - that's another issue. He spends all of his free time on the X-box - we have two in two different rooms, a WII and a Playstation. I used to go dancing, jogging, do jazzercise, hiking, horseback riding. I wanted a husband who wanted to do these things with me. For the first few years- he did. Now, if I want to any of that, I do it alone. I don't have any friends who are in the same position, they all have husbands who have the same interests as they do. I have a dog. I'm seriously considering having an affair on him. I have two men at work who show interest in me, and two old boyfriends from high school who found me on Facebook. I haven't, but I think about it very often. We can't afford to get a divorce. We have a college loan for one of my daughters and for my master's degree, and our boys go to a private school. I just don't know what to do any more. Any advice?

Shoot your husband, dump the body, and run off with your new man. Oops...did I say that out loud?

Maybe not shoot the husband. He isn't worth going to jail for. But hell yes lady, it is time to start looking at other options.

Lol

Ooooops ...

Lol...isnt it almost funny ...before U get marry U ve high self esteem etc
Few yrs after getting marry U start to feel like a maid.....
I see that a lot ....how men can quickly bring Your self esteem to 0......
But pls dont cry....that doesnt change anything...he is not worth it!!!!!

1 More Response

Maybe you ladies can help me?
I am the husband that neglected my wife I am the one you all are talking about, the truth is I did all of those things you ladies mentioned, why? I don't know! I live my wife and want to be with her forever, the problem here is when I was neglecting her I was also saying things to her that really hurt too, I was stupid enough to tell my wife that she would be more attractive if she lost weight, or that sex and life with her were boring, and that she dowsnt deserve gifts, this all happened about 2 Years ago and ever since we've been arguing and when we do she often tells me that she wants a divorce, weeks can go by where we won't have any arguments and I think things are getting better but then we argue all over again.

I've been trying to do things for her that I think would make her happy like bring her flowers, do things for her, rub her feet when we watch tv. Bought her gifts that she destroyed the minute she was mad at me.

It's very difficult for me to talk to her cuz she doesn't believe a word I say, I tell her that I love her and that I'm attracted to her and she says that I'm lying cuz it contradicts what I preciously said, I do t know what to do anymore can any one please help?

I see your frustration. The fact is you made some big mistakes. I commend your effort to make steps to mend the wounds you created in your marriage but you can't put a bandaid on a knife wound when you still haven't taken out the knife.
I'm going to give you some insight and advice about your situation but how you choose to use it is up to you. No one can fix it but you. Apologize!!!! Plan a romantic date for the two of you in a secluded area. If you have kids ship them off to grandmas. Confess your sins, all the things you put in this letter above and all the things you didn't mention. Acknowledge where you see the consequence of your actions ( namely hurting her) DON'T DEFEND yourself it will just discredit you. Poor your heart out and TRULY apologize for everything! This pulls the knife out and allows for healing to begin, for both of you. Then profess your love or the desire to get back the love you once had. It's important to be real here. You will have the clean slate you need. Then all the little things like foot rubs and loving words will not only be received but returned. Last but not least put God at the top of your marriage; not her or yourself or you will wind back up in the same boat.

I wonder if you truly grasp what words (from a loved one) can do to someone. Have you tried being honest with your wife? There must be a reason you said the things you said to her. Were they the truth? Was it a cry for help? They came from somewhere and until you can understand why how can you possibly expect her to? I expect that your wife is devastated. I can see how she would have a hard time believing what you say now when even you can't explain where those words came from. I believe honesty is the key. If you feel that way about your wife but are now just trying to keep the peace, in the long run its unfair to both of you. I think you need to do some soul searching. Is your wife the one for you? Is there something missing for you in the marriage? Can it be fixed? Be honest with yourself and then be honest with your wife. Maybe if she understands where it all came from and what it is you feel is missing in your marriage then you can come up with a plan to work together to heal the hurt and repair the marriage. Those words came from somewhere, you need that answer before you can move forward.

I feel your story I need help my self because I think he's just playing games with my head emotions I lost on what to do and prob going to divorce him

My husband doesn't want to have sex with me. It last for 20 mins/ 2 weeks. I'm fit and very attractive. I found him searching for other women on Craigslist which he made me believe he never acted out on any of his posts. Iv found **** and nude pic in his phone. Why do u continue to cry and wait around for him to eventually want sex again?

hi...night after night of watching the fecking tv and then week after week of still watching it from the time he came in from work till we went to bed ,one day iasked if we could do something else instead of watching tv, he copped ,swore at me ,went into another room ,told me not to go on at him and didnt talk to me for two days...so much for getting something off my chest!never again ,the way he acted and treated me spoke volumes... at least i know how he feels about my feelings now...

It makes me question my self worth. How long do u continue to take it. Life is too short to be unhappy. I don't smile like I used to and when I do it b/c I don't want to cry

Some of these men could be Narcissistic. Google it and watch YouTube videos about Narcissistic. My husband ignore me, was verbal and physical with me. I realize my husband was Narcissistic and Narcissistic people never change.

Did u divorce him?

Well,I did not expect that I am not all alone..By searching online about why these men are acting this way, I came out with one reason....Testosterone level is low if they are at 40's and above. They have low sexual drive and irritable...I ask him to see the doctor,but he don't want too.For him..he think there is nothing wrong..like physically and emotionally.I know we can not win in every conversation. For them,they are always right...they are egoistic and self centered people...
Now I will not let his attitude hurts me...I ignore it...I become familiar with the situation..Going out with friends and not to be dependent to him emotionally,is one way to get out from this hell..Let him feel that you can be happy without him.
Who knows along this bumpy road that you've been riding,there is smooth and easy one that you gonna enjoy and have fun...Never loss hope..only time will tell...if divorce is not an option at this time.....Good luck to all of us..!!!!
I believe good things happen to good people....

It's just not fair to shed so many tears over someone who doesn't care

I have the same experience too..I know it hurts...I tried to be loving and affectionate to him but it did not work....Now I have changed too..I ignore him too..make myself busy..I take care my self financially with my little savings..This gives me the reason to mess around,but its not just right...He become stranger to me.
All I can say is ,"Do whatever he did to you...I mean let him feel what you feel"...