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Why Do I Keep Trying

My husband has really always ignored me, I just notice it a lot more now.  Smoking weed for the first 24 years of our marriage helped me not to notice.  I was also busy with my children to notice as much.  Now the children are grown.  I always noticed how during football, basketball, baseball games, I'm very ignored.  This used to bother me a lot back in the day because we only had one tv.  Now we have more than one.  I also have my computer.  I notice that now that I do have my computer, he seems to notice that I am occupied with my EP friends.  NOW, this bothers him, before my computer, he didn't give a damn.  He still ignores me, he just notices that I don't ***** anymore because I found something to occupy myself, which is the internet, mostly EP.  During western or war movies or shows of that type, I'm also ignored.  Alcohol used to be his first love, now, tv is his first love.  I'm second. 

Things seemed to improve after 2004, well, in a way.  He and I both stopped doing all of our bad habits.  We both quit smoking cigarettes, I stopped weed and he stopped drinking.  During the next four years, we were both very sick.  He kept suffering strokes and two seizures.  I suffered from a mental breakdown and flashbacks because of Ptsd.  My husband hasn't had a stroke or seizure in 3 years.  I am still going through Ptsd but it's calmed down quite a bit.  I may have flashbacks but not as often or as terrifying.  

Things just seem better for the both of us, as far as his health and my mental health.  This is the first year that has been pretty good for me as far as my anxiety.  I was able to let go of most of my negative emotions that had haunted me since I was a child.  I haven't had to take a xanax in over a year, that's a great thing for me.  

I think because things are better for us as far as health.  Also because we're clean and sober, I am noticing just how much we or things have changed for us and our marriage.  Well, maybe things haven't changed, maybe it's just that I'm not stoned, so I am seeing things clearly for the first time.  I am not stoned so I am more aware of things.  

My husband and I always flirted with each other, with what little time he gave me.  This is not and has not been happening for a good while.  I've been asking him, what's up with this.  He either ignores my question or sort of laughs about it.  I asked him again today, why he doesn't want to flirt with me anymore.  I have never been in love with my husband.  I know I love him, but I have never had deep passion for him.  I always loved my first love.  So I think, what if he really didn't truly love me either all this time.  What if he just married me because I was pregnant.  Not because we had this deep love for each other.  I know that we're in our 50's now, but so what.  I don't feel like I'm 50, I still feel more like 20.  Are we supposed to start acting old just because we're in our 50's.  I hope not!!!

My husband is having problems with impotence.  This problem is getting worse, not better.  I ask him, "When you go to the doctor in two weeks, are you gonna talk to the doc. about your little problem."  He says, "I need to."  I tell him, "Yeah, you need to, but are you?"  He says, "I don't know."  Is the sex life supposed to finish at 50.  I sure as hell hope not. That's way too young.  I can't even imagine me not having sex anymore.  I have cousins who are in the same boat with their men.  We're all in our 50's.  Our men cannot get erections.  My cousins haven't had sex in ages.  I'm not saying that I would leave my husband because he can't get an erection.  I say we need to look into other things, like talking to his doctor for one.  There are other ways for us to enjoy each other sexually.  The thing is, he doesn't want to do anything about it. 

This is not our only problem.  He has started trying to tell me how to live my life.  I hate this. I am 51, I am not a child.  I should be able to do what I feel, when I feel like doing it.  He gets upset with me because I'm chatting with my EP friends.  I had to put up with him running around on me for 22 years.  I never knew where the hell he was, or who he was with.  I stayed home raising our children.  Now that I have EP, he can't handle me having online friends.  He tells me that I'm crazy for trusting them.  I tell him, I'm right here, in front of you.  I'm not in some bar drinking and being with other men.  He even has a problem with me chatting with my female friends.  It's not just because I'm chatting with my male friends.  My counselor tells me it's because he's afraid of losing me.  I say, well then he needs to change and stop trying to control me.  If he does give me attention, it's when he's bitching at me.  He reminds me so much of stepdad, when I was a little girl.  

You know when I was younger.  I used to always wonder, why couples left each other after so many years of marriage.  Why or how could they leave each other?  Now I'm starting to understand why some couples split up.  I'm not saying that I'm ready to leave my husband.  When I think of the future, when I think of us growing futher and futher apart. I can start to see us splitting up.  When I see that no matter what I say to him, it's like I'm talking to a wall.  I get no reaction.  I am even trying to get him to go to counseling with me, like a family thing.  I also told him he can go it alone, just go talk to the counselor.  He won't have it.  Mostly, I see him walking away and totally ignoring my questions.  Then, there I am again, alone, crying and saying to myself, "Why do I keep trying?"

April, 2010   I wanted to update this story a little.  Things have improved, not perfect but better!  Not only did he finally go to the doctor to do something about his ED problems but he's also being more caring towards me.  I just want him to at least try and he is!!! :-) 

TexasLily TexasLily 51-55, F 28 Responses Nov 22, 2009

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i just want to share my experience and testimony here.. i was married for 6 years to my husband and suddenly, another woman came into the picture.. he started hating me and he was so abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so a friend told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster.so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn't believe in all those things.then he did the special spell casting for me. After 2 days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn't believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case you wanna contact this wonderful spell caster, his email address is ishvaratemple@yahoo. com

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I understand what you're saying. My rib is in love with pinterest & spends ALL of her free time "looking at pretty things". Before that it was T.V. every night. So I happened across this site & have made lots of friends in the meantime. Hope things get a lot better for you. I wish you the best, and have big ears if you ever wanna talk. HD

lol, ur funny....:-)

Hi King, I like your way of thinking. Wish my husband had your attitude. Wish I didn't feel so lonely all the time. Then maybe I wouldn't be where I shouldn't be.... thanks so much for your comment....:-)

wow what a story no life dosn't end at 50 u should have every right to do what u want.why do some people think cause there married they can now control there mate and thats just not right ive been on ep for sometime now and ive noticed alot of women who r going though the same thing.if your hubands would treat u ladies with the love and respect u deserve after all u did raise his kids and now that there gone this could and should be the most sexual part of your life.50 is not old im 58 i feel like im 40 and yes it still works just fine. alls im saying is u should be enjoying this part of your life good luck i hope thing get better for u

LOL, well I am 52 my husband is 50 and we both still like it. I think sex not only keeps us young but also healthier!!! I would hate to think of not having it for the rest of my life. My husband as I wrote above was having erection problems. NOT ANYMORE, he got some pills and they do work. So we finally had intercourse a few days ago for the first time in many months. Even if I couldn't have IT, I would still **********. It's such a tension reliever!!! I don't know what to tell you, but I feel for you. How sad that your wife will not do what she should be doing as YOUR wife. Good luck to you!!!

Hello redlilylady, I'm so sorry for all of your troubles. Reading your story makes me realize my life isn't so bad. I would never let anyone control me to the point of having to take back something to the store after THEY ordered them. That's bullshit!!! Don't you have any other place where you could live. Maybe some other family. If you get a disability check, you could get your own place for the disabled. I don't know if you get a check, I'm just assuming. I wish you all the best redlilylady.

to the Asian Lily lady, your story could almost be my own, except I did not drink or ever do weed. Much of the rest is the same. I even went on the patio and threatened to do naked jumping jacks while he was spending yet another day completely ignorring me after I returned since his arrest for domestic violence. I have recieved several fingers being injured since telling the judge "he's sober now and should be able to control himself". What a joke on me. The x-rays show the injuries, now the community knows I live with a crazy man, but I am dependant on him because of health issues and am facing treatment for several tumors and tumors in the spine. I think he just wishes the court proceedings were over and he could get me to leave by ignoring me. He still goes through $500 a week in spending money and has never bought me a flower, gift, anything not a necessity, last year he did not pay the hospital the 1500 deductible on my stroke from January until the last week of December. He is so controlling and yet eats out and comes home late not hungry and yet has me go to the grocery recently to take back the groceries he called and told me to buy. I took back everything I did not open and he went out to lunch the next day and did not return the 60 he needed for a Recovery That is very hard to take.

Yes, I know Bluebird. I guess I feel like after all you and I have been through with our men, that they would do whatever it takes to try to make it up to us. You know we have been through hell but we stuck by our men. I did it for my children, because I did not have my dad in my life. I thought staying with my husband was the best thing for my children. Well the children are grown now. I am slowly moving forward. Love is give and take. Thank you for commenting, I always respect your thoughts.

Lily about acceptance,I accept my spouse because I can't change him..I don't like it, however he does have some qualities I appreciate. I don't expect him to change because I want him tobe the kind of person i want him to be..IF HE WANT TO BE DIFFERENT HE HAS TO DO IT BY HIMSELF>>

That's just it Bluebird, I don't want to accept anymore. I have just accepted all of my married life. Really, I have just accepted all of my life. I am still me in many ways, but I am also atartng to wake up in many ways, after so many years of being trapped. I feel a change coming or maybe it's that I want a change so bad. I feel that he has to move with me or get left behind, it's his choice. Thank you for commenting.

Hey Lily I am learning to accept, my hubsand's silence. if I don't try and start a conversation,he will not.. I will tell you this HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY..I tried my best to get him out of this but i never could..He is not the kind of person who isout going.... Unless he is drinking.. Sooo he is all to him self, because he do not drind anymore...Acceptance is what I want to be able to do for my own peace:-)

Hey Lily I am learning to accept, my hubsand's silence. if I don't try and start a conversation,he will not.. I will tell you this HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY..I tried my best to get him out of this but i never could..He is not the kind of person who isout going.... Unless he is drinking.. Sooo he is all to him self, because he do not drind anymore...Acceptance is what I want to be able to do for my own peace:-)

LOL, no I didn't do the jumping jacks.

golightly, I see my husband and I see myself. We're two different individuals. I see us as two best friends that love each other. He says he is in love with me. I say he doesn't really know what love is. I know that I love him but I have never been in love with him. I know how he is, how he thinks, he is not and NEVER has been a man that can express himself. I also understand why he's like this. I know him more than he knows himself. I have always just accepted things. I don't want to do this anymore. I can read his mind and he laughs because I am able to do this with him. I know he loves me but how much. Am I worth him wanting to change for me. I basically already know what I want to do in my future. I would like to start over. I could handle his problems with not being passionate, I always have.. What I'm having a hard time dealing with is how he is trying to tell me who I can and can't talk to. I don't tell him who he can talk to. I am an adult woman, who has found some great friends. I want to talk, share my feelings, love these new people in my life. He has many insecurities, so do I, but I am trying to do something about them. I do this by seeing my counselor. Many things have happened to me all of my life. Havng Ptsd has definitely been the most life changing experience for me. It's like a different person is trying to emerge, a more free, loving person. I do not want to be tied down any longer. He has to move with me, or get left behind. The more he tries to control me, the more I back away. The more I back away, the more he tries to control.

texaslilly - <br />
i had the my husband and I had a real eye opener discussion the other day. <br />
Basically it came down to this - he wants me to love him with a passion and he is not willing to do anything that will build that love. He says he won't becasuse I should take him exactly as he is.<br />
You and I can see this is selfish - but from his point of view, if I ask him to do anything outside of what he wants then i am the selfish one.<br />
So - having already decided I was leaving him, this kind of honesty just made it easier.<br />
<br />
What I am trying to say is - you have to decide what you threshold is - what is your deal breaker.<br />
<br />
For me - give and take is the key to a successful marriage. I wish him luck in finding anyone who will take him as he is and they understand that as he is mean he will not ever compromise or think that maybe your happiness should be as important as his own.<br />
<br />
I used to feel inadequate and take his attitude personally. But once I decided to look at him without the ego glasses on it became very easy to see that he is just not the man for me.<br />
<br />
I suggest you try to do that too. Try to look at your husband as just someone who is doing what he does and is not doing what he does BECAUSE of you - but because he is who he is.<br />
<br />
Anyway - I know that if my man were the kind of man to LISTEN and do what he could to show me his love, I would do the same. But there is no point in beating myself up because for some men, words is all they have.<br />
<br />
Now to be fair, my husband does love me. But he can not meet me half way on important subjects (like my need for romance). If my husband told me he needed to be romanced to be in the mood I would take him to dinner, buy him flowers and write him poetry. But I need a guy who will do that back you know?<br />
<br />
So who is your man? Do you see him as he IS and not as you wish him to be?<br />
<br />
Good luck and keep us posted. <br />
Oh and you know - dont even think that 50 is too old to start over. Sex is in the mind - sexy is in the mind. And the nice thing about that is that what people are attracted to seldom is just about age or body. People are really moths - they like to be close to a warm flame. If you have the spark there will be men to choose from. You will never have to settle.

vegassquire, I've done a few things trying to get his attention but I can honestly say that naked jumping jacks isn't one of them, LOL.

Hello Goggos, boy do I wish that I could not care what my husband thinks. Yes, I do still talk to my online friends but the way my husband acts does bother me. It makes me a little anxious and pissed at the same time. I wish I could get to a point where I didn't give a rats *** either, lol. I'm not there yet, I wonder if I ever will be. Thanks for commenting.

As I read this I am wondering (thank the Lord I am not the only one been ignored) - Sorry to be thinking this way but this is something I am battling to accept. I am engaged and was married got 2 children and he has 2 children (on Friday we had a disagreement over his son) - and here I sit (all picture no sound)... Can he try another tack tic? I have been married and know that is the one of the signs of a failed marriage, but at the same time I wonder if I should spare him the embarresment of explaining ... and let him tell his friends I found someone else... If only relationships were so easy ... I am tired of taking the blame and been ignored as and when it suits him... You mentioned husband gets upset with your EP friends, this one of mine, has me connected to the computer and as soon as he notices I am REALLY not talking or doing the wife duties... (he controlls the connection)!!!! I love EP and think this is just the best place for us who are ignored at home... As for the bedroom stuff... well let him find someone else to chat to seen he is always on the phone with his fat friend and dealing with HIS family matters... I am content now and could not care a rats @ss about what he thinks!

Kissy, yes, I always wonder this about older couples. I even tell my husband, when I'm dead, it will be too late. Same thing with the flowers that I love so much but never seem to get. I tell him, I won't want them on my grave, I want to see and enjoy them now, lol!!!

PTMAN, I wonder why you want me to call you. Do you want to help entertain me, lol. Could you entertain me? I love you too, crazy man!!!

you need to give it up girl. call me. lol love you.

Hello kissy. Believe me, I do mention divorce every once in a while. He even tells me, he sees me leaving him. Yet, he does nothing to improve our relationship. When he says things like that, it makes me think maybe this is what he wants. Maybe he just doesn't want to tell me. Thanks for your comments my friend.

You are welcome my friend.

Hi flour, yeah, it sure is. Thanks for commenting.

Im sorry sweetie. I get ignored at times to but I think its because my husband stays tired. I surehope things get better for you. I agree 50 is too young for no sex!

Hello golightly, yes, I understand about his insecurities now that he doesn't drink anymore. Another EP friend who was married to an alcoholic explained this to me. She called it "dry drunk." This definitely describes my husband. Things were going pretty good for a while after becoming sober, now things seeem to be going backward. Same thing for me, except I did the "weed" thing, that's why I am back in counseling. I'm trying to understand myself and trying to improve. I need for him to do the same thing, but he will not cooperate at all. This definitely reminds me of him back in his alcoholic days. Then of course now with his ED. I still say, yes, I do try to understand. He still needs to try to help himself and us with our marriage. That's if he wants there to be an "us" with this marriage. Thank you very much for your comments.

Wow - you have a lot on your plate.<br />
How is your health now?<br />
<br />
The attention thing with your man - I think, now that he is sober, he is feeling his insecurities. Drinking may have been one way of dealing with those insecurities. <br />
<br />
I think the jealousy thing is part of his impotence. For men, though the problem could be somethig medical like high blood pressure, losing the ability to get it up is very damaging. So much of the male psyche is built around that little trouser friend.<br />
<br />
I have been down some dark roads with my husband and my marriage and there is one thing that really stands out for me - try to see his actions not from a personal place, not from the hurt in you, but from the perspective as him as a person.<br />
<br />
This is hard to do - we give our hearts to our men and in some ways we give our souls. So we have an expectation that what they do is all about us. We build that expectation into our marriage. But its not about us. Seeing our men as individuals, seperate from us and our marriages is difficult.<br />
But its worth the time to look<br />
<br />
Today I realized that my husband just is not the kind of guy who plans - I spent years thinking that he was holding out on me and that he was using some kind of stubborn punishment against me but really, I think he just can not get his head around planning. Its not part of his psyche. I can look at this now and not feel hurt - but I can also look at this and see that this non-planning man can not give me what I need.<br />
So I feel better and its all good.<br />
I hope you understand what I am saying. <br />
I think you sound pretty damn sane for a woman with so much happening at once.<br />
You have over come a great deal and still work with a crippled system (ptsd). So be kind to yourself and your man. <br />
Oh yeah - and the flirting thing - its all tied to his ED. IF you dont feel like giving or cant give sex, the flirting goes too because you feel like you are making promises you cant keep.