Why Do I Keep Trying
My husband has really always ignored me, I just notice it a lot more now. Smoking weed for the first 24 years of our marriage helped me not to notice. I was also busy with my children to notice as much. Now the children are grown. I always noticed how during football, basketball, baseball games, I'm very ignored. This used to bother me a lot back in the day because we only had one tv. Now we have more than one. I also have my computer. I notice that now that I do have my computer, he seems to notice that I am occupied with my EP friends. NOW, this bothers him, before my computer, he didn't give a damn. He still ignores me, he just notices that I don't ***** anymore because I found something to occupy myself, which is the internet, mostly EP. During western or war movies or shows of that type, I'm also ignored. Alcohol used to be his first love, now, tv is his first love. I'm second.
Things seemed to improve after 2004, well, in a way. He and I both stopped doing all of our bad habits. We both quit smoking cigarettes, I stopped weed and he stopped drinking. During the next four years, we were both very sick. He kept suffering strokes and two seizures. I suffered from a mental breakdown and flashbacks because of Ptsd. My husband hasn't had a stroke or seizure in 3 years. I am still going through Ptsd but it's calmed down quite a bit. I may have flashbacks but not as often or as terrifying.
Things just seem better for the both of us, as far as his health and my mental health. This is the first year that has been pretty good for me as far as my anxiety. I was able to let go of most of my negative emotions that had haunted me since I was a child. I haven't had to take a xanax in over a year, that's a great thing for me.
I think because things are better for us as far as health. Also because we're clean and sober, I am noticing just how much we or things have changed for us and our marriage. Well, maybe things haven't changed, maybe it's just that I'm not stoned, so I am seeing things clearly for the first time. I am not stoned so I am more aware of things.
My husband and I always flirted with each other, with what little time he gave me. This is not and has not been happening for a good while. I've been asking him, what's up with this. He either ignores my question or sort of laughs about it. I asked him again today, why he doesn't want to flirt with me anymore. I have never been in love with my husband. I know I love him, but I have never had deep passion for him. I always loved my first love. So I think, what if he really didn't truly love me either all this time. What if he just married me because I was pregnant. Not because we had this deep love for each other. I know that we're in our 50's now, but so what. I don't feel like I'm 50, I still feel more like 20. Are we supposed to start acting old just because we're in our 50's. I hope not!!!
My husband is having problems with impotence. This problem is getting worse, not better. I ask him, "When you go to the doctor in two weeks, are you gonna talk to the doc. about your little problem." He says, "I need to." I tell him, "Yeah, you need to, but are you?" He says, "I don't know." Is the sex life supposed to finish at 50. I sure as hell hope not. That's way too young. I can't even imagine me not having sex anymore. I have cousins who are in the same boat with their men. We're all in our 50's. Our men cannot get erections. My cousins haven't had sex in ages. I'm not saying that I would leave my husband because he can't get an erection. I say we need to look into other things, like talking to his doctor for one. There are other ways for us to enjoy each other sexually. The thing is, he doesn't want to do anything about it.
This is not our only problem. He has started trying to tell me how to live my life. I hate this. I am 51, I am not a child. I should be able to do what I feel, when I feel like doing it. He gets upset with me because I'm chatting with my EP friends. I had to put up with him running around on me for 22 years. I never knew where the hell he was, or who he was with. I stayed home raising our children. Now that I have EP, he can't handle me having online friends. He tells me that I'm crazy for trusting them. I tell him, I'm right here, in front of you. I'm not in some bar drinking and being with other men. He even has a problem with me chatting with my female friends. It's not just because I'm chatting with my male friends. My counselor tells me it's because he's afraid of losing me. I say, well then he needs to change and stop trying to control me. If he does give me attention, it's when he's bitching at me. He reminds me so much of stepdad, when I was a little girl.
You know when I was younger. I used to always wonder, why couples left each other after so many years of marriage. Why or how could they leave each other? Now I'm starting to understand why some couples split up. I'm not saying that I'm ready to leave my husband. When I think of the future, when I think of us growing futher and futher apart. I can start to see us splitting up. When I see that no matter what I say to him, it's like I'm talking to a wall. I get no reaction. I am even trying to get him to go to counseling with me, like a family thing. I also told him he can go it alone, just go talk to the counselor. He won't have it. Mostly, I see him walking away and totally ignoring my questions. Then, there I am again, alone, crying and saying to myself, "Why do I keep trying?"
April, 2010 I wanted to update this story a little. Things have improved, not perfect but better! Not only did he finally go to the doctor to do something about his ED problems but he's also being more caring towards me. I just want him to at least try and he is!!! :-)