Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Tired Of Being Married To An Alcoholic

Wow!! I never realized how many women are living my life unitl I found this website. I have been married for 20 years. My husband was the sweetest, funniest, sexiest man alive when we met. We dated for 9 months before we got married and we were either at work or we were together and we NEVER fought. I knew that he drank but it never changed the way he acted so it didn't bother me. About 13 years ago when our 1st child was almost a year old is when I started noticing the changes. He would start getting mean and hateful when he drank. He drinks everyday but he only drinks alot on his days off work. He works 4 10 hour days so there are at least 2 days of the week that I absoulutely dread. Thursdays arent so bad because he is recovering from Wednesday and has to work on Friday. He can somewhat control his drinking but it's like he just doesn't want to. And when he drinks to much he is mean and hateful. He accuses me of having an affair with his brother (as if: one of these boys is enuf. why would I want 2 of them?) He accuses me of hiding our money (which we don't have much of to begin with). He just doesn't get that his drinking and smoking is wasting what little extra money we have and he doesnt get that it is killing our marriage or why I dont want anything to do with him in the bedroom. I would love to leave but I know that I can't support our 2 children and there is no way I would leave them with him. It seems like all we do anymore is fight. I decided last night that I just don't care anymore. I refuse to talk to him when he gets that way. I pray for God to give me strength to ignore him and not respond with something that will cause a fight because it takes 2 to fight and you can't fight if one person isn't willing And as long as it isn't physically violent (and it never has been) . I feel sorry for my children. They love their daddy but they don't deserve to have to live this way. I'm not even sure if I love my husband anymore. I love the man that he was and I could love that man again if I could just get him back but I am losing all hope that it will ever happen. I know that if it wasn't for my children I would be long gone. If I had a place for the 3 of us to go I would be gone now. A friend recently asked me if after 20 years I still loved my husband and I told her yes. Then she asked me if I was still "IN" love with my husband and I couldn't give her an answer. All this just makes me so sad because I want so much more out of life than what my kids and I are getting and I am not talking about material things.
triedofallthebs triedofallthebs 36-40 48 Responses Jun 7, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

Add a response...

Theres a facebook group which is private no one can see your posts except those in the group. If you need support you should look into it i highly recommend it. Im unable to post the link.
they have a community page which has a link to there group. Face book search Alcoholic Family Support.

As with everyone else, I feel like you have told my story. I met my husband 13 and a 1/2 years ago. During the year that we dated, and even lived together, I was 18-19, he was 22-23. He drank a little bit, so I thought. But I think he was good at hiding it. Then we got married. And then it started: staying out all night, going to bars, drinking every day, getting up for work the next morning and calling them to tell them he would be a little bit late. Then, a few days before our first Christmas together married, he went out drinking with some buddies and I was actually supposed to go but decided not to b/c I was tired (I was also 8 months pregnant). He had s car wreck. Never issued a dui, and still had never been issued one since he knows the highway patrols and they follow him home to make sure he makes it safely or the hospital messed up the lab work. After that first wreck and coming to terms that I could have been with him and probably would have died considering I would have been in the passenger seat since I never told him no or questioned him. And I could not drive a standard. But he promised me he would not drink again. That lasted about 2-3 months. Then he got a job and had to go away for training for a few weeks. Well, I caught him in several suspicious situations involving women but I didn't have any hard truth. Well, her started to get mean, verbally. I was trying to go to nursing school, work full time, take care of a toddler and him and the house. I would come home from school and he would kiss me and ask me 'how's she taste'. It would make me so sick. Then he would tell me that he was only staying with me b/c he felt sorry for me and that nobody else would ever want me. And that I was fat ( I was 93 lbs and 5'1, and previously dealt with an eating disorder). And he would tell me I was ugly. And then one night he told me that he would take our son away from me and have some other woman who he was saying he slept with would be his mommy. I saw black and I attacked him swinging, which didn't last long before he picked me up and threw me across the room, and then I went at him again and then he held me down. Other than that he never got physical with me. However, he did flip kitchen tables, book shelves, whatever. And then, eventually, after being told what a **** and ***** I was, I cheated on him. And felt horrible. It destroyed me. And ever since I've practicslly bowed down to him to make up for what I had done. Years later, our oldest is now 11, and we have 2 other kids as well. And this past summer I askd him to stay out of town, I needed a break. I couldn't live that way any longer. He would call me every night while away, so drunk. I would have to get up at 5 am to go to work, and he would call me at all hours screaming at me and telling me he had friends keeping an eye on me. Then, one day he took it upon himself to tell our kids that I wanted a divorce and I was kicking him out. Without talking to them with me or making me aware that he was saying anything. But he told the boys they were not aloud to tell me. But I knew something was wrong when they boys came into the living room crying and I watched my 11 y/o chase after his truck. And again, this broke me. I thought that maybe my attempt to put my kids and myself in a better environment was only hurting them more. So I let him come back. He quit drinking for about 2 months, or so I thought. Eventually he told me he was miserable and that he was still drinking one of those big cans of beer on his way home, but it was only for the taste. I thought we were getting along better, but still had guard up and afraid to trust him. So then he started drinking more, like he used to. And now, the verbal abuse has started all over again. I didn't tell my parents any of this until he kept talking to my dad and had my dad on his side and trying to get me to stay. And then one day I blew up on my dad and told him he only knew half the story and the went on to tell him my side. Our most recent fight, he blacked out. I was in bed so I could get up for work the next morning and I had worked 12 hours that day on my feet and I was worn out. He started verbally attacking me, again telling me that if I leave him then nobody else would be able to love me or would want me. And that he only stays to make me feel better about myself. And that he really hates me, and that I disgust him. And I am a worthless mother and wife. And just a waste of his time. And then he tells me he wished I loved him as much as he loves me. All the while he is calling me an f**ken, c*nt, *****, b*tch. Who is responsible for spending all of our money (b/c even with us both having good paying jobs we have nothing to show for it since he spends about $1000 a month on beer, chew, and cigarettes.) and then he would ask me a question expecting an answer as he always does only to interrupt me and not allow me to speak. So when I didn't speak up, but instead made a little laugh b/c e was referring to the exact time we last had any 'romance'. Well he threw his phone at the wall, which was not a wall, but a window and broke the glass. And then he told me that the night before he had planned to sneak out and go to a bar and pick up a woman before I made it home b/c he knows there are women that would love to be with him. And then the next day he didn't remember of it. And thinks that I am lying when I tell him. I want to record him but I'm afraid of what he would do, b/c in that state I don't dare pick up my phone. I've had it snatched out of my hands and thrown or hidden. But it's always me, always my fault. It's my nagging. My lack of physical attention. Or my focus on my school as I was back to get my bachelors but had to quit b/c the stress of everything and lack of support with the house and kids from him and I couldn't do everything on my own( I have a very rambunctious 2 y/o and then one that had started kindergarten and had homework). And, the stress was really affecting me negatively. I finally saw the sleep dr he goes to for his sleep apnea, b/c for years I would suffer from severe fatigue and sleepiness and would just fall asleep. Several drs told me I was depressed, and then this dr told me I have severe narcolepsy, and one way that I need to manage my symptoms is to control my stress. However, my husband is probably they biggest issue affecting my stress. But I am so beaten down that I am afraid to leave. And I finally know this. I'm finally aware. I was actually talking to my friends the other day, and she asked me if I wanted to stay, and I actually said of he wants to keep me in his life, if he wants me to be here. To which she immediately questioned if I was hearing myself. It's so hard, and so scary. And I thought that with kids he would change. But he didn't. I thought over time it would get better, easier. But it hasn't. And now I feel stuck. I know I'm not perfect, especially in this relationship, as this past summer I seeked out support from an ex boyfriend that I never really got over but moved away from in high school. I did not meet up with him, and it was all through texting, and completely innocent, but my husband found it and put a teen-safe program on my phone and was watching everything I did. He monitored my phone calls, my text messages, my fb, and was even able to see what I had searched on my phone. He even had a gps on me and kept track of where I went. I found the account by accident when I went to pay bills online and I went into his account to transfer money and found the charge, and then proceeded to look into it. And that crushed me. That was almost one of the last straws for me. I shouldn't have to sit here and try to be the adult and protect our kids and live through what he puts me through, and then him follow me like I'm a child. But it's still hard. And a major struggle everyday on what is the right thing to do.

Hi, when I just read this, it was like I was reading something I wrote myself, bcuz it is exactly how I feel and my husband is the same way, and I worry about my don resenting me when he gets older bcuz I stayef eith my alcoholic, verbally abusive husband. He is not mean to my son, but he does not go out of his way go do things healthy happy dads do with their kids. My son hears the fights and how much my husband humiliates me and it makes him so sad and worried. I feel like any time we make a step foward then shortly there after we take 9 steps back when he acts like a monster again and forgets all the promises heakes to me about it never happening again. He even goes so far as to blame me for his drinking cuz I cry when he tears me down to the studs, and says I should be able to grow up and handle it and not care????? Um, what? It's like he is brain washing himself and trying to get me to drink the kool aid as well. I'm extremely sad cuz he was the "perfect" boyfriend and husbsnd for almost 9 years and then became increasingly meaner as time went on. So he has been mean for like 7 years now, and last year we made some progress after he got his second dui and couldn't blame anyone but himself, but now he is back at it and I wonder if he ever even meant all the nice things he said and did during that time. He told me he was planning to leave me once our son is grown up, but then says he doesn't mean it. I know what I should do, but I miss the man I married, and I am very sick and need his help with our son, etc. At least I can talk about this here. Thank you.

Its about twisting your focus and putting yourself first instead of putting the alcoholic first as we all do.
Try a Alcoholic family support group like AlAnon. Here you can find face to face support and gain knowledge of how to detach with love (this does not mean cut ties or leave), set healthy boundaries and how to not enable your alcoholic. Self educate so you know what your dealing with.
Its a process of acceptance and awareness.
Remembering the only people we can fix is ourselves.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it & I can't cure it. These 3 C's are important as they are facts. Need more info you can find me via a link from a community page on face book where i have a group. Face book search Alcoholic Family Support. In the more info at the top of this page you will find a link to my group, which supports anyone affected by someone else's drinking and drug taking. Remember your not alone. There are lots of us.

Sounds too familiar I. For example my husband was still in the Living room this morning half cut he's gone out now but will be back in 30mins I read these posts because it is comforting to know it's not just me and it's not my fault. I also hope one day to have the strength to leave I am 29 no qualifications or prospects my husband is too jealous to let me work and too good to work for anyone else I have family 10 miles away but I am estranged from them on my husbands say so and I hate myself for being weak when I am usually so strong headed I have let my 10 and 4 year old sons down and I just hope they don't hate me for it because they genuinely all I have to live for. I have never been religious as my mother was an overbearing christian growing up but I now find myself praying. Nice to talk

OMG you remind me so much of myself I dread the time off my husband has as well. (except we don't have children together but we have three golden retrievers) I know it's easier said then done, but it's not going to get any better it only gets worse. I don't know the ages of your children but think about what's best for them. Do you want them to grow up thinking it's okay to be like their dad? or to treat their spouse the way you're being treated? You can get a job, save your money and move out on your own. He'll have to pay you child support and he can have his visitation. Who knows this may even be a wake up call for your husband to get off the alcohol. You have two choice 1) stay and tolerate his behavior and enjoy the good times he does provide well for your family or 2) Make the decision you will no longer tolerate this behavior and start taking steps to change it. I wish you the best of luck.

How come I'm the only husband it seems who has the alcoholic wife
We have kids as well 4 mixed families and its ruining our lives. I can't live with it or put my kids through it I'm lost on what to do

I know how much you love your wife (if you didn't you would stay) you have two choices 1) accepted the way your wife is and enjoy the good days and go to alcoholic anonymous can help talk to others what you're going through or 2) make the decision you will no longer tolerate this behavior and start taking steps to change it. I wish you the best of luck. No matter what you decide it's not going to be easy I have been through more scenarios.

I too am married to an alcoholic. When we met we was out so i thought nothing of his drinking. When we moved in together we had money troubles so i thought the drinking was a stress reliever. When we got married i knew he was an alcoholic but i married him out because of love and hope. My husband is a functioning alcoholic (if there is really such a thing) he doesnt wake up in the morning with the shakes, he goes to work and works hard and outside of our house he is a really nice guy and loved by everyone. But for me my "functioning" alcoholic isnt functioning he is existing. Once his working day is finished and before he even sits down he opens the fridge and takes his first sip for the evening. Which always leads to 10+ cans per night. He doesnt pay his way, he takes terrible risks. He can not cope with normal daily life and he resents me and our children for it, while he tells us he loves us. My husband has been drinking like this for a good 10 years before we met but its my fault, its the kids fault, its his past, infact the only thing iv never heard him blame it on is the dog. This beautiful funny friendly man then turns into a monster. He doesnt hit with his fists, part of me wishes he did, because i would have something unquestionable to say look at your behaviour look at what you did and everyone else would be able to see it too and then maybe he would be forced into shame and stop the things he does. But no he is cruel with his words at best and he ignores that we exist at worst. I have realised that i cant change his behaviour but i can change my own. I came home after a night shift to the house being wide open and my son was in the same drunken state at him. My husband has Finally lost all sense of responsibility and reality and allowed my son who is 14 to join in. I have now carried my endless threats through and made him leave our home. He has gone to his parents. This is obviously backed up by threats of unless you get help and see a doctor you cant come home. He has been to the doctors his blood has been taken for tests and he is apparently going to attend counceling. Obviously he doesnt want to but he doesnt want to loose us..it has been 1 week. Im not hopeful that this is going to work and im scared to hell of the thought of loosing my beautiful funny and very loved husband. However my heart sinks even though this is the bravest i have been, and this is the first time he has been to the doctors..i know he cant hold out much longer and not have a drink and its a matter of hours, days at best when he will say "you are trying to control me and i will do what i like". Im hopeful but i know that hope means i will live this hell with him until he allows his first love to kill him. Im scared of being without him but i am already alone. I cant bare to be around him but if the option was taken away from me i would crave to be with him...i am as much an addict as he is, and this adiction is just as disstructive and hurtful...my addiction is my alcoholic husband..funny thing is iv never known him as not being an alcoholic..so i dont truely know who he is.

You have told my story perfectly, functioning/ existing, blame, and loving them anyway.

I got the dissolution papers started this past Friday and I feel like I'm dying. You expressed my thoughts exactly when you said your addiction was your alcoholic husband. Mine too! I have a four year old and feel pretty non-functional right now and still delusional enough to think he will suddenly see the light, check into treatment, and return to us the man he was before alcohol turned him into what he is now.

I can so relate to this and finally found somewhere i hope i can talk. my husband drinks all the time blames it on me everything. He says i have made his life miserable. he has been to jail twice spent 9 months each time while i was home working my butt off to take care of the kids. then he gets to drinking and starts in every time saying no one likes me not even my kids he call me a b*tch all the time and recently slept around with a girl the sad thing is she is a sl*t right after i found out about it form his cellphone she goes to jail like a week later. i cant understand why he would cheat with such a skanky person the state took her daughter from her the paternal grandmother has custody of her. and of course all this was my fault everything that has or will happen to him is my fault . the fool didnt even wear protection when he slept with her now im wondering if she is gonna end up pregnant. i know its my fault that i stay but i have just hoped he would change. when he dont frink he is fine when he starts drinking he just sits and runs his mouth like he some big god or something he always whining about his child hood that he never had anything or went anywhere well you know there was 9 of us my mom was disabled my dad worked at a sawmill we were very poor but we were always happy i dont know why he is so miserable he has been put on an antidepressant only been on it for 2 weeks has not helped yet is he just plain out crazy or what? im at my wits end with him

You sound so much like me, but my husband has not worked in almost 2 years. Our kids are on there own except one who lives with us. Thank god because I would not make it without her. I love my husband but i am not "in" love with him. He has changed so much and his drinking has hurt us all. I told him I want him to leave. We rent and his name is not on the lease, but he refuses and has nowhere to go!

Add a response...

I went through this for 13 years and have been completely out for almost a year. I was young when I met him and didn't know anything about addiction, so I didn't recognize it. It wasn't until we were married and I was pregnant that it started to spiral out of control. My last straw was when the school called because he had come to pick up our daughter from school falling down drunk. While calling he left with her and he had our then infant daughter in the car too.

You can break me down all you want but you will not endanger my children. I realize that had the school not been so kind, they could have had child protective services waiting at my house.

It's hard, I get lonely, and I am pretty broke, but. I sleep soundly not in fear of what version of my husband will walk through the door. Gather the strength and the means to get out if you can. I've lost a great deal but I have hope for a better future.

Add a response...

wow I knew there had to be others out there I've been married to a alcoholic for 40 years these post sound just like me .. hopefully I can use this site to get me healthy

I have been married 24 years. We have a 19 year old son. My husband drinks every day from the time he gets up til he goes to bed. He has never went anywhere with me. Never been to anything our son has been involved in. Not even his high school graduation. He lost his job and want even look for another. He sits at home all day and drinks while I work then come home and do all the house work. We never talk we don't sleep together haven't for years. I've begged him to change but the older he gets the worse he gets. I hate coming home everday. My son does too. He gets so mad at his father whom he calls that man that lives with us for how he treats me. I am leaving him soon but I have this guilty feeling and I feel sorry for him but I can't live this way anymore. I am always unhappy and lonely. If not for my son I would die. Am I doing the right thing to leave?

I was one of the children who hid under the bed when my parents fought. I lived in fear and dread while mother explained what she would not be able to give us if she left. What I could never get her to understand was that staying was taking more from me than leaving would. I had no sense of love or trust or hope that I would even live or that I would not see my mother die. I became angrier and angrier with her for endangering our lives to save his. Finally my six sibs and I gave her an ultimatum. It was made out of desperation. We threatened to kill them both as they slept the next time he came home drunk. This was not made lightly. It was all we could think of for we were absolutely certain, that we had all just barely escaped with out lives the last time and the next time someone would have to die and we refused to let it be us.

I honestly don't know what to do. We separated for 6 months (we were living in different states) but I moved back to give us another chance. Well since being back here for over a year, only change is been is my health has gotten worse. His drinking makes him not care about anything other than drinking or taking pills. I had a seizure at work and was taken to the hospital but he would not come to me because he was too drunk to. I left my job because he encouraged me to get a job closer to home and since he started a new job that we would be ok. Well guess he changed his mind because he will come in screaming that it's my fault because we can not afford for him to buy beer. If I could afford to go somewhere else, I would be gone with my little dog by now but I can't. I am also afraid when I would go I would have a seizure while driving back to the other state. I honestly just don't know what to do

Wow... All of these stories hit home for me. As I read these my husband has stopped at the bar after work again. We are broke and he gets mad when I buy my daughter anything but then I see he has withdrawn 100 dollars from his account to drink and gamble. I'm so tired of it. I know I need to get out because he is in so deep with alcoholism. He drinks and drives. He leaves work and has to drink the entire way home.

And he came home mean... What a surprise.

I cry as I read this, I have small kids and recently lost my job so leaving is hard with no money. He lies and tells me he hasn't drank but its clear he has the kids can't stand to be around him either. He ruins every family activity and even gets drunk with kids in the car, I tell him if you want to kill yourself go ahead but don't hurt my kids or someone else, his selfishness blows my mind I hate to say it but I hate him and just want the man I fell in love with back, I need to go just don't know how!

I can tell you their is help for you if you want really want to get out. Domestic Violence Women Shelter to name one group. You and your family our being abused by his drinking as this is a form of domestic violence. I am speaking from experience, my neighbor called the cops when my husband was venting out yelling/screaming and when the cops came (yes they arrested him for disordly conduct and domestic violence) I was asked if I want to speak to an Advocate where they help families leave their abusive relationship. It doesn't have to be physical. It can be verbal, alcohol, emotional, and mental. Back then I turned them away and said no. My husband did his night in jail saw the judge was released with was mandated to domestic violence counseling/ alcohol counseling. He continued going because he had a court order and if he failed to appear their would be a warrant for his arrest, but let me tell you he continued drinking. It never did get better Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I talked to the Advocate and let them help my daughter and I out to get a new place and start a new life without him. Today I am still with my husband, my daughter went back to California to finish her senior year and graduated HS and is now attending beauty college while living with her aunt and working PT. Needless to say the relationship between her and my husband ended and they are not on speaking terms she only tolerates him out of respect for me, but doesn't care about him what so ever.

OMG...I could have written this.

Hello, just stumbled over this blog. I too, have been married to a drunk for 10 years. Called me an "idiot" on mothers day because I took off the cover on our couch, disappears for 1-3 days, lies and tells me he will be home soon and never shows up, calls me ugly names and blames me for the house being messy even though it is normal, got drunk on my mothers bday so now I have to deal with him and not my guest, every holiday is a disaster and I don't even have gatherings because he will start drinking so I don't even bother with them. Can't have a normal Christmas and so on. So, I decided to separate from him and hi is in denial and manipulating me but not going to work for me anymore, I have fallen in love with someone else after years of abandoning me and kids, even though we where together at many family events or other stuff, he was never there emotionally, spiritually, it was like going out with a wall. It's over for me, after me calling counselors, pastors, etc. I'm done.

And I have two daughters, and he annoys them.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

congratulations I know how hard it is to leave, but you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Your two daughters will also have a healthier and happy life.
Stay strong and good luck to you.

I feel so sad and lonely. Crying as I read your story because it's exactly what I'm going thru. Only difference is I only have a 13 yr old daughter. I'm 36 yrs old and been with this man since I was 18, we were occasional drinkers as I still am today only if there is an occasion or family gathering but I noticed his drinking spiraling out of control when my daughter was around 2 or 3. Now he drinks everyday and we fight all the time. My daughter gets annoyed and doesn't have a close relationship with him because she thinks he's annoying. Everything is me me me, all the running around is done by me. I feel like I can't depend on him to do anything for me sober. If I ask him to go to the super market or anywhere for me he comes back drunk cuz he'll buy a six pack on the way home and drink it before he gets home. I don't even trust leaving my daughter alone with him if I have to run to the store because my mom always put in my head that drunk people do stupid things and you can't trust them because you hear so many cases of fathers raping there daughters, he's not like that at all but that has stuck in my head that I have to tell my daughter when she asks why can't I just stay with dad, I don't want go. I tell her because he's drunk and I don't want you staying home with him like that. She is old enough to notice things now and I feel that all our arguing has changed my daughters attitude. She use to be such a sweet mommy's girl and now she has an attitude. I wonder if we caused it or if it's just teen hormones. I do so much for both but I feel so alone and unappreciated. Sometimes I wish I could run away to see if I would be missed and appreciated but I could never leave my daughter. The other thing is just 3 yrs ago he was moved up in position at work and was given a franchise store where I was forced to go back to work and help him so we work together but everyday at 5 or 6 when it's closing time he disappears for about 30 min when I'm ready to go home after working a 10 hr shift and go home to spend time with my daughter, I have to wait till him and a guy who works in the area finish drinking and somedays usually Fridays I'm leaving work like an hour an a half after closing waiting to go home. I end up looking like an *** to his friends who don't know how things are at home because they see me rushing him and arguing with him to let's go stop drinking and they take me as a joke and tell me to relax and have a beer that I'm like an old lady. My husband says that I'm no fun because what he requires fun is drinking and what a require fun is going out to dinner and a movie. I feel like he's never gonna grow up! I want to leave him but I stay because he's the one with the job and financially I know he'll be ok but I will be struggling. I also have mixed emotions I don't know if I love him or if I'm in love with anymore or if I just stay because I'm use to him and the thought of dating or getting to know someone all over again and know that what's out there now a days isn't that great either. I like him when he's sober but when I see him with that beer in his hand my blood boils and I feel disgusted. I don't know what to do? I'm sorry if I rambled on I'm just venting and excuse my writing I'm not great at putting my emotions together in writing.

You don't have to say sorry you are typing your emotions as you feel it's not rambling. I know its hard and speaking from experience when I went to counseling I had to learn you can't make an omelet if you don't crack the egg. It's called tough love. You need to sit down and let your husband know exactly how you feel. Yes he will be mad, and ask you to leave him alone, but after some space he may be get a wake up call. I don't know with my husband, after being arrested for the 5th time and put in jail for 90 days going through the exodous program in county jail it woke him up. We had a good four months I had the man I feel in love with but slowly it started changing again one excuse after another first it started off with two tall cans a day, then to a 12pk then to a 18pk then a 30pk now he travels for his job so he can't consume alcohol at all and he's doing good, BUT when he comes home from his trip it's like he needs to play catch up and he's binge drinking starts in the morning after coffee and pounds one beer after another by the end of the night he has consumed 15 beers. He goes back on the road and he's sober and my loving husband. I've come to the conclusion that I am married to an alcoholic he's never going to give it up. Anyways good luck without whatever you decide to do. We are hear to listen.

I have been married to a binge drinking man for the last 5 years.. In fact, it's our 5th anniversary next week.. He still drinks heavily on Friday.. Yesterday, he injured his head and ended up in hospital.. The surprising thing is that he is back in the pub today. Plaster on his head and all..
I loved the man a lot.. Picked him up from pubs, supported him, never asked for anything and survived on whatever little he gave me.. I am moving out in a few weeks.. He will never change.. Am in my late thirties and will never be a mum thanks to him wasting his life and mine. But I will get out. There is no point living this life with someone who doesn't value you or appreciate you..

Today has been a particularly difficult day. Thank you for your post and for te comments. It gave me strength.. Thank you..

Hi There. Your post struck a chord with me. I am so sorry for you. I know what it is like to love a man that is totally unsuitable and incompatible with your hopes and dreams. I have been married a year. When he is sober he is wonderful. But when he drinks he just turns into a slurring fool. I enabled his "Fun loving ways" drove him while he drank a cooler full of beer on our road trip vacation and laughed while he got drunk on our wedding day. "isn't he funny!" Everyone loves him because he is so much fun to be around but they have no idea what it feels like to be married to the court jester. I wont have children either because I decided to choose him over so many other potential husbands because I loved him. If only I was able to think instead of feel. Now I feel torn: I can't leave him because I love him but I can't stay either because I will hate myself and always wonder what my life could have been had he not been in it.

It's like they are two people. I swear they must be bipolar (that is what I call it) Thankfully my husband was sober on our wedding day. He did make that promise to me that he would be sober on my special day. I told if he has to drink and be drunk on our wedding day, then just save your money (he planned the entire wedding) I won't go through with it. I to am an enabler I hate how he has to drink his beer in the car while I am driving no matter where we go. It could be taking the dogs to the river, it could be running an errand going to wallmart. I get so irritated really you can't just go shopping and wait to continue drinking when you get home? If I say anything then it just causes a fight so keep peace I just zip it and go along with it. I am so proud of you for being strong enough to leave. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if he wasn't in it.

Congratulations! I am so proud of you. Good luck

All of these stories are all of our stories. It's quite shocking really. I stumbled on this because I have been searching Google for things like this for about 2weeks now (my final straw!)

I'm married for 2+years now no children as I think God could not put an innocent child in the world with this binge drinker as we have way more devastated children of alcoholics than society currently need. We've been together for 4 years. We use to be high school sweethearts till our mid 20's. Looking back he has always had a drinking problem since around 19yrs old.

We got back together in our 30's and now I'm having him move out and filing for separation (following divorce.) Looking at this post and other I know I'm doing the right thing. I can not give this man 15-20+ years more of my life as so many women on this thread has. I take this as a gift from your words "IT WILL NOT GET BETTER". That is the fact. I will not let fear of a failed marriage keep me in the psychological and emotional death union.

Alcoholics are; selfish, self entitled, blaming other for their problems, non accepting responsibility for their negative energy they inject in their relationships, has weak character, low self esteem, depressed etc.

I will take the words from women/men who have been here and NOT reinvent the wheel. I'm gone! Life will not let me down. It's only a temporary time to greave and looking forward to a healthy relationship then marriage to enter my life because at that point I would have healed myself. It takes two to tango and there is a reason I went forward with the marriage and I saw the signs and heard the warnings in my head. I have to own it and now release it.

I wish him well but I have to leave it there as I can not give it anymore energy. Time to look to the future.

Thank you ladies for all of your personal stories. They really helped.

God blass all!

I hope that you have started on your own and have gotten out before you have aby children. I have put up with this kind of behavior for over 30 years........always a few years without problems and then back to the problems......and I am so sorry that I have let myself remain in this situation. I feel sorry for someone who is so self destructive, but, I certainly don't deserve this and neither do you. Start over, no matter how hard, so when you are my age you will not have this problem any more. Good luck and best wishes for a sober life.

good luck to you and God Bless You!

Brendalynn my heart goes out to you, my husband also worked many hours and did a lot around the house. He failed to realize we just needed him to be with us. I look back at my life and have so many questions I wish I could ask my husband, but it is too late. Part of me understands that alcoholism is a disease and the other part just doesn't understand. Years and years of being in an unhealthy relationship is hard. Now that he is gone I miss him terribly but at the same time extremely angry that he wasted his life to drinking. Now I have to move on, I know I cannot repeat previous mistakes I have done in my own life. I never want to be an enabler again. I have to focus on myself, which is hard because I don't think I truly respected myself and what I needed in a relationship. Guess my point is work on yourself and see how you feel after that.

Hi, I am new to this site. Found it by googling "being married to an alcoholic. Looking for answers of how to know to stay or go, did I try my hardest, feeling alone, ect... My husband to is an awesome, supportive, caring, providing, hardworking (almost to much) does just about everything around the house because of his type A mood personality, cooks, cleans ect... But is a MONSTER when he drinks. He to drinks everyday, and gets completely hammered once or twice a week. Stays up alone pounding captain. Its like Jekyll and Hyde. He turns into a different person. He is physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. I have only been married for two and a half years and we married after dating for four months. I too knew he drank and now that I know there were signs but in the beginning he was able to some how somewhat control how evil he gets. Two Jan. ago I told him it was us or the booz. He went to AA meetings and quit for six months, to then start with having ONE cocktail and spiraled from there. I am not a drinker so I have a hard time understanding the "needing to drink". So brings us to today.... I have two children but not with him, he has never lashed out when the girls are home because I told him if he acts that way when they are there I will have no choice but to leave if they witness that. (they think so highly of him) He has been drinking now for almost another year from the last time he tried to quit and we've had nothing but problems at least once a week, not to long ago he put me in a headlock and threw us into our entertainment system (which is all glass) breaking our flatscreen tv, entertainment system, and surround sound. Than you get the I am sorry, never happen again blah blah **** all the next morning. Okay so like if that isn't enough to leave right??? (and that's not even half of is) I was having surgery June 3 and "needed" his help during recovery. So after a long talk, I "let it go" and again he's so charming when not drinking :(..... have had two episodes now since my surgery and I am now as we speak staying at my moms house "for awhile" and than will be gone all next week for my older ones dance nationals" I told him via text that its this simple, me or the booz (along with a lot of other stuff) and if he choices me it is going to require professional help, it will be a constant battle within himself to not drink, and HE really has to want to quit. He says "I ll quit"..... So I guess I am looking for others opinions.... Stay or leave? Stay and try and get help or am I wasting my time? I am sick of living this way and know I don't deserve this and I don't think he understands how much it hurts me and effects me. To him its like oh yea I was hammered, I don't remember, not that big of deal. But I remember every time, every word, and the times it got physical. I feel like I am not even me any more. And he is rarely affectionate:( He also is 11 years older than me. WHAT DO I DO ladies??? I want it to work so bad but refuse to live with an alcoholic for the rest of my life! Thanks for reading I know it is kinda long.

I use to say the same thing!, Jekyl and Mr. Hyde!Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

I hope that you have started on your own. I have put up with this kind of behavior for over 30 years........always a few years without problems and then back to the problems......and I am so sorry that I have let myself remain in this situation. I feel sorry for someone who is so self destructive, but, I certainly don't deserve this and neither do you. Start over, no matter how hard, so when you are my age you will not have this problem any more. Good luck and best wishes for a sober life.

Hope you are doing ok. My hubby is at his 3rd AA meeting today. I hope we can do better.

Been married 23 years to an alcoholic. He wasn't abusive but neglected me and our children. He worked a lot but as soon as he got home he would head down to the basement and drink without even saying a word to us. Years and years I put up with this, I was so lonely. My husband wouldn't do anything with me so I started going out with girlfriends etc. If helped with my loneliness. Once my kids got older they realized this wasn't typical behavior they tried to get their father to stop but he wouldn't. Six months ago my husband passed away in his sleep, still don't know the cause of death. My children and I grieved horribly. Dealing with sudden death is so hard. My husband wasted so much of his life to his drinking and pushed us away. My kids have opened up to me and said they new we didn't have an intimate marriage etc etc. My kids and I want to live life to the fullest. To make a long story short, I have been thinking about dating again. I want to experience a "normal" relationship.

It sucks, honey, and I totally relate. When I met and married my husband, we both drank alcoholically. I got sober in 2001, and he still drinks. His drinking is getting worse, and he is becoming more argumentative and negative. I have to ignore a lot and remove myself often. I keep reminding myself that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. He has basically admitted that he is an alcoholic, and straight out told me that he drinks because he "likes it"... Really?? You like hangovers, no sex, poor health??? Whatever!!! Keep your head up, Tired. Xxoo

I feel your pain. I call Friday, drunk Friday. Sometimes I just don't come home from work. It's hell for my two girls when I do that, so it's not often. My husband gets obnoxious and then mean. Beer causes so many arguments. We've been on vacation this week and every time he's been drinking we've got in a fight. My youngest just asked me, why do you fight. I wanted to say cause your dad I'd a drunk and alcohol makes him stupid. But I just said cause we don't agree. 12 years of this now. It started when my first child was born. He had a long drive home from work and would buy a six pack and drink half before he was home. He was in fighting mode by the time he got in the door. Now he gets home before me and he's ready as soon as I get home. It's miserable. I wish I could leave too. I dream about my girls going off to college and leaving him.

Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I too deal with this. My husband will be sober for 6 months then go on a drinking binge for 3 months. Then go sober again. It is so hard on the relationship. He refuses to seek any sort of help. I have been in therapy for 6 months now and while it has improved my emotional state nothing has changed. At this point he is only "sober" when he is at work. I temporarily moved out and am trying to figure out what to do. Its so hard bc I don't have any family and only a couple friends here. I feel so trapped. He makes more $ so I am limited financially. When do we get to that point that enough is enough? When do we as women put ourselves and our future and our happiness first? These are the questions I struggle with every day. One good sober week makes up for bad days. But one bad drunk week can undo all the good progress and good weeks and months.

Got that right.
Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

I hope you are out now. It doesn't get better but the resentment does grow and fester then you become an always angry person and start to act just like them.

Story of my life! I don't know if I am glad to hear I'm not the only one or if I'm sad because someone else is living in the same HELL! I am reading a book that has helped me called Codependent No More. Good luck!

As i read all these stories i feel happy and sad. I too thought i couldnt leave, i believed him when he said he would change, i thought. If he is happy then i will be happy. I was wrong. I have $43 dollars in the Bank. I have 2 kids and we left. Its my house and I have a job but its over. I hate the person i have become over the past 10 years of Being married to him. Everything is my fault! I Drive him to drink, i make him get so drunk he can not come home. Wow! I actually beileved him. Not anymore. Its all just material stuff and I will make sure my kids have a roof over therehead, clothes and food . And you know what we are already happier. Things are harder and our life is different but my kids and I are happy. The truth is i never needed him he always needed me.

Wow, hope you and kids are doing much better'Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

My husband is also an alcoholic yes there are many of us. All our stories sound somewhat similar I have no children with him don't know why I stay sometimes I think I am just afraid of ending up on the streets with no where to go It's scary!! I'm tired of this merry go round. I've been married 15 years and it gets worse definitely not better. Life is full of adversities for all of us but to an alcoholic they are just another excuse to drink more. Husband was diagnoised with Stage A-Typical Prostate Cancer 8 months ago he still hasn't reached a decision as to which procedure he is going with, but he is drinking more. Alcoholic are usually very insecure and therfore do like their wifes to baby them At some point I hope and pray to gain back my self respect even if I have no where to go just walk away DON'T EVER QUESTION WOMEN ON THE STREET OR MARK THEM ALL AS A MENTAL CASE SOME OF THEM ARE PROBABLY JUST LIKE US ONLY THEY WERE BRAVE ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY

I am sitting on my bed with the laptop on my lap reading your story and crying because I can just cut and paste what you wrote and make it my story. I feel bad for my 2 kids because of the times he's sober and with them he's awesome but the problem is when he's home from work he drinks. On the weekends I am a stress ball because i know he will be drunk all weekend. I walk around on pins & needles. I have learned to not argue or even talk when he drinks because he is not rational and everything is a fight.. I can't answer the love question because when I think of it I don't like him. He even looks different when he drinks. I ask god & when I speak to my best friend we both say this has to end ...how long can you go on like this. I live in a small town and am so afraid someone will "find out". If it weren't for my kids I would have left. I don't know what it best? If I ask him to leave I am afraid he will drink more & maybe get in an accident or something. They say god doesn't give you more than you can handle...but I don't thinkI I can't handle much more. Stay well.

Your story is mine as well.....I don't know what to do....he can't keep a job....he lost his mother to cancer and is an only child and since then is drinking all the time....been in the hospital four times to detox and still goes back to it.....should I just give up?

Omg, I swear I could have written this also, even the 4 10 hour days he works. 2 DUI's in 22years. I've been with him 21years now, 2 kids. It's like a merry go round. I feel so bitter at him, half my life wasted. I'm getting to old for this crap!

I've wasted almost 23 years of my life... 21 years of my daughter's life and 16 years of my son's life with an alcoholic husband. Sooo... I had to go back and take a second look at the author.... For a minute I thought it was me. This is my story too.

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO A ALCOHOLIC FOR 27 YEARS IT WAS HARD AT TIMES BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS WE DID NOT KILL EACH OTHER- WE ARE STILL TOGETHER-HE HAD A STROKE MAY 2012-I AM THE ONE WHO TAKES CARE OF HIM -SO I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF- SO I WILL BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM-HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO WALK AGAIN-WE ARE STILL TRULY BLESSED

I know how you feel

Wow. These are all my own story! My husband has now started accusing me of making up all the things he says and does when drunk. So I will also try the recorder - a very good idea that!

I got a tape recorder and used my smart phone to catch him at his "best". When I pull out the recorder, he shuts up. I now have my own evidence and then I male copies of the pics and leave it around the house where he can find them. This did not stop his drinking but I have It documented and if anything should happen to me, well lets just say I keep my flash drive on my keys if anything mysteriously happens. I also keep a diary of what happens when he gets like that. Don't know if it's legal and I don't care. I have to keep my sanity. I listen to the recordings and it's a constant reminder of all the broken promises. They say a drunk tells the truth......GOD IS WITH YOU.

My husband is a drunk. I've been married to him for 20 something years. I don't hate him, but he makes me sick and we don't sleep together anymore. I'm meaner than he is but he is never available to help with the kids, drive them places, emergencies, because when he comes home from work, he drinks right away, slurs his speech, stumbles down the hallway, and can't drive or do anything at all. We both work. I want to leave but he'd get the house and he's lose it because he can't pay the bills with his salary or pay the bills period because he leaves all that up to me. I've always been the strong one, but I am going out of my mind with him and our relationship. Being married to him and feeling this way has made my life ugly. I"m angry and depressed. He wont stop drinking.

I am almost 68 years old and have been with my alchoholic husbandb for 12 years. He always drank but he is such a gentle man that I ignored how much. I thought that I could manage him but I've been the sole earner for 5 years now and he is getting worse. His memory is sporadic. He won't get help. We live in a country where state help doesnt really exist. I'm an enabler I know , I try to limit him but he drinks anything he can find. I work at home and this house is all I have. If I could afford to leave he would not survive and nor would the house, as he could not pay any bills. He already nearly lost the house as he took out a loan which he didn't pay. I paid half and his pension is now secured to pay the rest which leaves him with no income. I,m soo angry all the time, he won't get help. Feels good to get it out though I know there's no real answer.

I am close to your age and have been with my alcoholic husband for 20 years. By this time, you know he won't change, so the only thing left is for you to be good to yourself. Please look into AlAnon chapters where you are. If there are none, search on the internet for online groups and read, read, read. There is a very good one called Miracles in Progress where you will find lots of people just like us. Also, a writer named Toby Rice Drews has a series of books called Getting Them Sober and a free email newsletter, again all with the focus of helping yourself. If you're stuck with him, as I am with mine, at least your life can be made bearable if not fulfilled. You don't have to be miserable 24/7.

If you have children and need out of what is going on in your life. As bad as it sounds you can apply for state aid and put yourself through school. You don't need to stay because you can't afford to leave. Your lifestyle will change of course but you will have the option of making your life go where you want it to without all the drama for your children and yourself. <br />
My daughter did it and she is now in college and doing well. <br />
My husband was an alcoholic so we divorced.On one of his weekends to have her I found out that after he picked her up he stopped at the tavern to get a beer. She was only about eighteen months old. He actually forgot she was in the car and left her there until he was too drunk to be in the bar let alone drive. I moved to another state before he ended up killing her. The laws were different then. Now I would have his --- put in jail. I know how hard it is to be married to an addict or alcoholic and I wish anyone that has that problem the best.

OMG! Wow I was reading your story and it was like I was reading my own. I have been married six years now and I am tired of being married. Husband makes over $100K as a finance director and drinks and smokes. He drinks beer and takes shots of gin. Bad combo for him because he turs into the devil. I have 2 kids and haven't worked since we've been together. I want to leave also but ave nowhere to go with no money. I get accused all the time about hiding money or gambling and another man. I only have a son with him and a daughter from a previous relationship. He treats me and my daughter bad. I can't stand to be in the same room with I'm or even look at him. He stinks like cigarette smoke and beer. He don't want to out and have fun or spend time with me or the kids. He drinks everyday and on his off days he will drink all day without eating. At night he is so pissy drunk he pees in the sink or bathtub or in the corner. Last year he got a DUI and now he is scared to drive anywhere, so I am his chauffeur. I am working on leaving him because I know I will be able to get alimony until I find a job.

Alcoholics just destroid lives.

my husband and i have only been married 6 months. i knew he was an alcoholic. we have been together for 4 yrs and have a 10 month old daughter. i have come to terms with his disease but he isnt ready to get help. just recently signed lease together and desperately want him gone as quietly as possible for my daughters sake....any suggestions?

So so many of us- my story so similar, married 18 yrs in May, two boys 16 and 11. I knew he drank when I married him, thought he would leave his drinking ways and grow up...I did, he did not. He has been sober longest time 4 yrs, and speratic 10 or 11 months here and there. Mostly lately he is drunk or on the verge of drunk 24-7. He works now was unemployed 2 yrs prior. It is just a matter of time before they catch onto his drinking and he will lose that job too. He used to be so smart, attractive, witty and now he is just stupid and annoying. Of course he does not see that. Financially, we are ruined and emotionally I am a mess. He has been in rehab 2 times, has 3 Dui's over the last 15 yr period. He did AA for awhile but stopped. Has had a hit and run accident that nearly killed him due to drinking, and has spent 30 days in jail. Have know idea where his bottom is? He lives for his boys and believe it or not they are great kids...straight A students and great athletes. They love their Dad but hate his drinking. If you saw our family you would have no idea of our struggles. Our Family knows and my good friends now that is it. I work and make a good salary at a professional job. I want him to leave, but financially it is not possible at this time. Living with an alcoholic is baffeling, bewildering and crazy! I pray everyday for strength and all I can do is keep waking up and breathing...taking one day at a time. I understand so much of what you all are talking about.

Wow,"tiredofallthebs",your story sounds SO much like mine. I am at my wits end & feel trapped. There's nothing I can do but wait on him to stop drinking. I feel like I'm in a bad movie. I just pray that God gives me strength to get through it with my sanity intact. Thank you posting your story.

I understand your frustration with your friend and her husband but she really needs you. As soon as you turn on her husband, she will turn on you. She will always defend her husband. My best friend was hit by her husband. THis was not the first time things had gotten physical with them. I knew she would not leave him so I just listened and offered she and her kids a bedroom in my home. I knew that if I joined in her venting about her husband, she would isolate herself from me as well and be even lonelier. How can you get mad at someone who is clearly reaching out to you and already confused, lonely, and hurt? Just listen. The funny thing is, her husband has become a friend of mine as well now and he will listen to me when they are having problems.

Hello, I came across this "experience" while looking for some information. I am not married to an alcoholic but my friend is. I used to be friends with couple but I am no longer friends with the husband because of his behavior. <br />
Basically the story goes that he was in a car accident with the child. He was drinking and driving and got into an accident with the child in the car. He went to rehab for a month, came out and stopped drinking. He did not seek a support system or group when he got out. He felt he was fine and that he could stop drinking at any time. He only went to rehab because he felt he had to, not that he needed to. <br />
A few months ago she told me that he confessed to her that he had a slip. She said they talked about it and he said he was going to go a different support group through a friend. I didn't speak to her for a while after that. I spoke to her a few days ago and I am still trying to digest the conversation. <br />
She told me that things are really good at home. That he is trying to be more involved in spending time with the family. She said he is drinking but only one or two in the house. She said it is OK because she said that as long as he does it in the house and tells her, it is OK. <br />
<br />
I couldn't believe it. I thought I was hearing a bad joke. I had to change the subject. I have not been able to get this out of my mind. This is not OK. He almost killed the child by driving drunk. He is an alcoholic and cannot drink, ever. I want to smack her and ask her what is wrong with her. She had to go to meetings before they would even let her see him when he was in rehab. <br />
What made it suddenly OK that he can drink? Because he really didn't kill the child so it doesn't count? <br />
I don't think this is OK. It is not OK with me. I don't think I can be friends with her if she is going to expect everyone to be OK with it because it is easier for her to let him drink then to fight with him. <br />
<br />
I understand a person may not be alone but who does this guy have to injure or kill to make her see that he is dangerous. Drinking is more important then the life of the child. <br />
I don't understand? I would do ANYTHING for my babies. I would never let anyone harm them. If they did I would never let the person near them again. I don't understand how she puts her husband, his drinking and herself first before her child. <br />
I think I have to walk away.

It really is a sad and lonely existence, isn't it? We fear being on our own, yet there is nothing more lonely than being married to a drunk...at least not for me. Mine, THank God, is not typically mean. If he drinks liquor (rarely) then he is mean and stupid(er)!! He just passes out because he is also on many medications (all of which you are NOT suppose ot drink any alcohol with...go figure) So for me, it's just a lonliness vicious cycle. This is my third marraige and I am 50 yrs. old with three adult kids. My first husband, their dad, drank and cheated on me during my pregnancies so I know how it is to not have support and to feel bad/upset during that time. It really stinks. I hope you are able to make the best choice for you and your kids. Sad thing is...there isn't ever a win win situation. Somehow, someone is going to feel hurt and pain. BUT, you must have peace in your life and I'm here to tell you, it's not with an alcoholic. If i EVER get out of this situation, I will NEVER even look at a man who drinks!! Its a horrible way to live. I just have to believe that God has something better in store for me one day. I can't believe that he wants me to live this way much longer. So, have faith!!

Wow... i feel your pain. I am in a similar situation. We have one gorgeous daughter and I am currently pregnant with our second. I noticed my husband's drinking getting out of control shortly after our daughter was born and I has been a struggle sense. When he drinks he gets so mean and nasty and says the most unbelievable things. What is worst, is that he tries to reason with my daughter who is only three when he is like that telling her to say mean things about me. This rips me up inside. Getting pregnant the second time was the biggest surprise ever and completely not planned. I refuse to have his negative influence on MY children anymore. I too came to the decision last night that I really have no feelings toward him anymore. I've broken down crying in front of him more times than I can count begging him to get treatment, or I will leave and take our daughter and raise this new baby by myself. He always gives in and says sorry.. but then the cycle starts all over the following weeks. I'm just tired.... I've been so alone this entire pregnancy so far, I know I could do the rest by myself. It's a shame that we really do have such a beautiful home with beautiful things.. but none of that really matters if the family inside the home is broken. Last night he went to his first meeting and came home and went to sleep. This morning when I asked him about it he went off on me completely. I'm not sure what to think about anything and I am tired of the 13th, 14th and 15th chances. What's next?