Tired Of Being Married To An Alcoholic

Wow!! I never realized how many women are living my life unitl I found this website. I have been married for 20 years. My husband was the sweetest, funniest, sexiest man alive when we met. We dated for 9 months before we got married and we were either at work or we were together and we NEVER fought. I knew that he drank but it never changed the way he acted so it didn't bother me. About 13 years ago when our 1st child was almost a year old is when I started noticing the changes. He would start getting mean and hateful when he drank. He drinks everyday but he only drinks alot on his days off work. He works 4 10 hour days so there are at least 2 days of the week that I absoulutely dread. Thursdays arent so bad because he is recovering from Wednesday and has to work on Friday. He can somewhat control his drinking but it's like he just doesn't want to. And when he drinks to much he is mean and hateful. He accuses me of having an affair with his brother (as if: one of these boys is enuf. why would I want 2 of them?) He accuses me of hiding our money (which we don't have much of to begin with). He just doesn't get that his drinking and smoking is wasting what little extra money we have and he doesnt get that it is killing our marriage or why I dont want anything to do with him in the bedroom. I would love to leave but I know that I can't support our 2 children and there is no way I would leave them with him. It seems like all we do anymore is fight. I decided last night that I just don't care anymore. I refuse to talk to him when he gets that way. I pray for God to give me strength to ignore him and not respond with something that will cause a fight because it takes 2 to fight and you can't fight if one person isn't willing And as long as it isn't physically violent (and it never has been) . I feel sorry for my children. They love their daddy but they don't deserve to have to live this way. I'm not even sure if I love my husband anymore. I love the man that he was and I could love that man again if I could just get him back but I am losing all hope that it will ever happen. I know that if it wasn't for my children I would be long gone. If I had a place for the 3 of us to go I would be gone now. A friend recently asked me if after 20 years I still loved my husband and I told her yes. Then she asked me if I was still "IN" love with my husband and I couldn't give her an answer. All this just makes me so sad because I want so much more out of life than what my kids and I are getting and I am not talking about material things.
triedofallthebs triedofallthebs 36-40 34 Responses Jun 7, 2011

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Wow... All of these stories hit home for me. As I read these my husband has stopped at the bar after work again. We are broke and he gets mad when I buy my daughter anything but then I see he has withdrawn 100 dollars from his account to drink and gamble. I'm so tired of it. I know I need to get out because he is in so deep with alcoholism. He drinks and drives. He leaves work and has to drink the entire way home.

And he came home mean... What a surprise.

I cry as I read this, I have small kids and recently lost my job so leaving is hard with no money. He lies and tells me he hasn't drank but its clear he has the kids can't stand to be around him either. He ruins every family activity and even gets drunk with kids in the car, I tell him if you want to kill yourself go ahead but don't hurt my kids or someone else, his selfishness blows my mind I hate to say it but I hate him and just want the man I fell in love with back, I need to go just don't know how!

OMG...I could have written this.

Hello, just stumbled over this blog. I too, have been married to a drunk for 10 years. Called me an "idiot" on mothers day because I took off the cover on our couch, disappears for 1-3 days, lies and tells me he will be home soon and never shows up, calls me ugly names and blames me for the house being messy even though it is normal, got drunk on my mothers bday so now I have to deal with him and not my guest, every holiday is a disaster and I don't even have gatherings because he will start drinking so I don't even bother with them. Can't have a normal Christmas and so on. So, I decided to separate from him and hi is in denial and manipulating me but not going to work for me anymore, I have fallen in love with someone else after years of abandoning me and kids, even though we where together at many family events or other stuff, he was never there emotionally, spiritually, it was like going out with a wall. It's over for me, after me calling counselors, pastors, etc. I'm done.

And I have two daughters, and he annoys them.Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

I feel so sad and lonely. Crying as I read your story because it's exactly what I'm going thru. Only difference is I only have a 13 yr old daughter. I'm 36 yrs old and been with this man since I was 18, we were occasional drinkers as I still am today only if there is an occasion or family gathering but I noticed his drinking spiraling out of control when my daughter was around 2 or 3. Now he drinks everyday and we fight all the time. My daughter gets annoyed and doesn't have a close relationship with him because she thinks he's annoying. Everything is me me me, all the running around is done by me. I feel like I can't depend on him to do anything for me sober. If I ask him to go to the super market or anywhere for me he comes back drunk cuz he'll buy a six pack on the way home and drink it before he gets home. I don't even trust leaving my daughter alone with him if I have to run to the store because my mom always put in my head that drunk people do stupid things and you can't trust them because you hear so many cases of fathers raping there daughters, he's not like that at all but that has stuck in my head that I have to tell my daughter when she asks why can't I just stay with dad, I don't want go. I tell her because he's drunk and I don't want you staying home with him like that. She is old enough to notice things now and I feel that all our arguing has changed my daughters attitude. She use to be such a sweet mommy's girl and now she has an attitude. I wonder if we caused it or if it's just teen hormones. I do so much for both but I feel so alone and unappreciated. Sometimes I wish I could run away to see if I would be missed and appreciated but I could never leave my daughter. The other thing is just 3 yrs ago he was moved up in position at work and was given a franchise store where I was forced to go back to work and help him so we work together but everyday at 5 or 6 when it's closing time he disappears for about 30 min when I'm ready to go home after working a 10 hr shift and go home to spend time with my daughter, I have to wait till him and a guy who works in the area finish drinking and somedays usually Fridays I'm leaving work like an hour an a half after closing waiting to go home. I end up looking like an *** to his friends who don't know how things are at home because they see me rushing him and arguing with him to let's go stop drinking and they take me as a joke and tell me to relax and have a beer that I'm like an old lady. My husband says that I'm no fun because what he requires fun is drinking and what a require fun is going out to dinner and a movie. I feel like he's never gonna grow up! I want to leave him but I stay because he's the one with the job and financially I know he'll be ok but I will be struggling. I also have mixed emotions I don't know if I love him or if I'm in love with anymore or if I just stay because I'm use to him and the thought of dating or getting to know someone all over again and know that what's out there now a days isn't that great either. I like him when he's sober but when I see him with that beer in his hand my blood boils and I feel disgusted. I don't know what to do? I'm sorry if I rambled on I'm just venting and excuse my writing I'm not great at putting my emotions together in writing.

I have been married to a binge drinking man for the last 5 years.. In fact, it's our 5th anniversary next week.. He still drinks heavily on Friday.. Yesterday, he injured his head and ended up in hospital.. The surprising thing is that he is back in the pub today. Plaster on his head and all..
I loved the man a lot.. Picked him up from pubs, supported him, never asked for anything and survived on whatever little he gave me.. I am moving out in a few weeks.. He will never change.. Am in my late thirties and will never be a mum thanks to him wasting his life and mine. But I will get out. There is no point living this life with someone who doesn't value you or appreciate you..

Today has been a particularly difficult day. Thank you for your post and for te comments. It gave me strength.. Thank you..

All of these stories are all of our stories. It's quite shocking really. I stumbled on this because I have been searching Google for things like this for about 2weeks now (my final straw!)

I'm married for 2+years now no children as I think God could not put an innocent child in the world with this binge drinker as we have way more devastated children of alcoholics than society currently need. We've been together for 4 years. We use to be high school sweethearts till our mid 20's. Looking back he has always had a drinking problem since around 19yrs old.

We got back together in our 30's and now I'm having him move out and filing for separation (following divorce.) Looking at this post and other I know I'm doing the right thing. I can not give this man 15-20+ years more of my life as so many women on this thread has. I take this as a gift from your words "IT WILL NOT GET BETTER". That is the fact. I will not let fear of a failed marriage keep me in the psychological and emotional death union.

Alcoholics are; selfish, self entitled, blaming other for their problems, non accepting responsibility for their negative energy they inject in their relationships, has weak character, low self esteem, depressed etc.

I will take the words from women/men who have been here and NOT reinvent the wheel. I'm gone! Life will not let me down. It's only a temporary time to greave and looking forward to a healthy relationship then marriage to enter my life because at that point I would have healed myself. It takes two to tango and there is a reason I went forward with the marriage and I saw the signs and heard the warnings in my head. I have to own it and now release it.

I wish him well but I have to leave it there as I can not give it anymore energy. Time to look to the future.

Thank you ladies for all of your personal stories. They really helped.

God blass all!

Brendalynn my heart goes out to you, my husband also worked many hours and did a lot around the house. He failed to realize we just needed him to be with us. I look back at my life and have so many questions I wish I could ask my husband, but it is too late. Part of me understands that alcoholism is a disease and the other part just doesn't understand. Years and years of being in an unhealthy relationship is hard. Now that he is gone I miss him terribly but at the same time extremely angry that he wasted his life to drinking. Now I have to move on, I know I cannot repeat previous mistakes I have done in my own life. I never want to be an enabler again. I have to focus on myself, which is hard because I don't think I truly respected myself and what I needed in a relationship. Guess my point is work on yourself and see how you feel after that.

Hi, I am new to this site. Found it by googling "being married to an alcoholic. Looking for answers of how to know to stay or go, did I try my hardest, feeling alone, ect... My husband to is an awesome, supportive, caring, providing, hardworking (almost to much) does just about everything around the house because of his type A mood personality, cooks, cleans ect... But is a MONSTER when he drinks. He to drinks everyday, and gets completely hammered once or twice a week. Stays up alone pounding captain. Its like Jekyll and Hyde. He turns into a different person. He is physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. I have only been married for two and a half years and we married after dating for four months. I too knew he drank and now that I know there were signs but in the beginning he was able to some how somewhat control how evil he gets. Two Jan. ago I told him it was us or the booz. He went to AA meetings and quit for six months, to then start with having ONE cocktail and spiraled from there. I am not a drinker so I have a hard time understanding the "needing to drink". So brings us to today.... I have two children but not with him, he has never lashed out when the girls are home because I told him if he acts that way when they are there I will have no choice but to leave if they witness that. (they think so highly of him) He has been drinking now for almost another year from the last time he tried to quit and we've had nothing but problems at least once a week, not to long ago he put me in a headlock and threw us into our entertainment system (which is all glass) breaking our flatscreen tv, entertainment system, and surround sound. Than you get the I am sorry, never happen again blah blah **** all the next morning. Okay so like if that isn't enough to leave right??? (and that's not even half of is) I was having surgery June 3 and "needed" his help during recovery. So after a long talk, I "let it go" and again he's so charming when not drinking :(..... have had two episodes now since my surgery and I am now as we speak staying at my moms house "for awhile" and than will be gone all next week for my older ones dance nationals" I told him via text that its this simple, me or the booz (along with a lot of other stuff) and if he choices me it is going to require professional help, it will be a constant battle within himself to not drink, and HE really has to want to quit. He says "I ll quit"..... So I guess I am looking for others opinions.... Stay or leave? Stay and try and get help or am I wasting my time? I am sick of living this way and know I don't deserve this and I don't think he understands how much it hurts me and effects me. To him its like oh yea I was hammered, I don't remember, not that big of deal. But I remember every time, every word, and the times it got physical. I feel like I am not even me any more. And he is rarely affectionate:( He also is 11 years older than me. WHAT DO I DO ladies??? I want it to work so bad but refuse to live with an alcoholic for the rest of my life! Thanks for reading I know it is kinda long.

I use to say the same thing!, Jekyl and Mr. Hyde!Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

Been married 23 years to an alcoholic. He wasn't abusive but neglected me and our children. He worked a lot but as soon as he got home he would head down to the basement and drink without even saying a word to us. Years and years I put up with this, I was so lonely. My husband wouldn't do anything with me so I started going out with girlfriends etc. If helped with my loneliness. Once my kids got older they realized this wasn't typical behavior they tried to get their father to stop but he wouldn't. Six months ago my husband passed away in his sleep, still don't know the cause of death. My children and I grieved horribly. Dealing with sudden death is so hard. My husband wasted so much of his life to his drinking and pushed us away. My kids have opened up to me and said they new we didn't have an intimate marriage etc etc. My kids and I want to live life to the fullest. To make a long story short, I have been thinking about dating again. I want to experience a "normal" relationship.

It sucks, honey, and I totally relate. When I met and married my husband, we both drank alcoholically. I got sober in 2001, and he still drinks. His drinking is getting worse, and he is becoming more argumentative and negative. I have to ignore a lot and remove myself often. I keep reminding myself that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. He has basically admitted that he is an alcoholic, and straight out told me that he drinks because he "likes it"... Really?? You like hangovers, no sex, poor health??? Whatever!!! Keep your head up, Tired. Xxoo

I feel your pain. I call Friday, drunk Friday. Sometimes I just don't come home from work. It's hell for my two girls when I do that, so it's not often. My husband gets obnoxious and then mean. Beer causes so many arguments. We've been on vacation this week and every time he's been drinking we've got in a fight. My youngest just asked me, why do you fight. I wanted to say cause your dad I'd a drunk and alcohol makes him stupid. But I just said cause we don't agree. 12 years of this now. It started when my first child was born. He had a long drive home from work and would buy a six pack and drink half before he was home. He was in fighting mode by the time he got in the door. Now he gets home before me and he's ready as soon as I get home. It's miserable. I wish I could leave too. I dream about my girls going off to college and leaving him.

Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I too deal with this. My husband will be sober for 6 months then go on a drinking binge for 3 months. Then go sober again. It is so hard on the relationship. He refuses to seek any sort of help. I have been in therapy for 6 months now and while it has improved my emotional state nothing has changed. At this point he is only "sober" when he is at work. I temporarily moved out and am trying to figure out what to do. Its so hard bc I don't have any family and only a couple friends here. I feel so trapped. He makes more $ so I am limited financially. When do we get to that point that enough is enough? When do we as women put ourselves and our future and our happiness first? These are the questions I struggle with every day. One good sober week makes up for bad days. But one bad drunk week can undo all the good progress and good weeks and months.

Got that right.
Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

Story of my life! I don't know if I am glad to hear I'm not the only one or if I'm sad because someone else is living in the same HELL! I am reading a book that has helped me called Codependent No More. Good luck!

As i read all these stories i feel happy and sad. I too thought i couldnt leave, i believed him when he said he would change, i thought. If he is happy then i will be happy. I was wrong. I have $43 dollars in the Bank. I have 2 kids and we left. Its my house and I have a job but its over. I hate the person i have become over the past 10 years of Being married to him. Everything is my fault! I Drive him to drink, i make him get so drunk he can not come home. Wow! I actually beileved him. Not anymore. Its all just material stuff and I will make sure my kids have a roof over therehead, clothes and food . And you know what we are already happier. Things are harder and our life is different but my kids and I are happy. The truth is i never needed him he always needed me.

Wow, hope you and kids are doing much better'Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

My husband is also an alcoholic yes there are many of us. All our stories sound somewhat similar I have no children with him don't know why I stay sometimes I think I am just afraid of ending up on the streets with no where to go It's scary!! I'm tired of this merry go round. I've been married 15 years and it gets worse definitely not better. Life is full of adversities for all of us but to an alcoholic they are just another excuse to drink more. Husband was diagnoised with Stage A-Typical Prostate Cancer 8 months ago he still hasn't reached a decision as to which procedure he is going with, but he is drinking more. Alcoholic are usually very insecure and therfore do like their wifes to baby them At some point I hope and pray to gain back my self respect even if I have no where to go just walk away DON'T EVER QUESTION WOMEN ON THE STREET OR MARK THEM ALL AS A MENTAL CASE SOME OF THEM ARE PROBABLY JUST LIKE US ONLY THEY WERE BRAVE ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY

I am sitting on my bed with the laptop on my lap reading your story and crying because I can just cut and paste what you wrote and make it my story. I feel bad for my 2 kids because of the times he's sober and with them he's awesome but the problem is when he's home from work he drinks. On the weekends I am a stress ball because i know he will be drunk all weekend. I walk around on pins & needles. I have learned to not argue or even talk when he drinks because he is not rational and everything is a fight.. I can't answer the love question because when I think of it I don't like him. He even looks different when he drinks. I ask god & when I speak to my best friend we both say this has to end long can you go on like this. I live in a small town and am so afraid someone will "find out". If it weren't for my kids I would have left. I don't know what it best? If I ask him to leave I am afraid he will drink more & maybe get in an accident or something. They say god doesn't give you more than you can handle...but I don't thinkI I can't handle much more. Stay well.

Your story is mine as well.....I don't know what to do....he can't keep a job....he lost his mother to cancer and is an only child and since then is drinking all the time....been in the hospital four times to detox and still goes back to it.....should I just give up?

Omg, I swear I could have written this also, even the 4 10 hour days he works. 2 DUI's in 22years. I've been with him 21years now, 2 kids. It's like a merry go round. I feel so bitter at him, half my life wasted. I'm getting to old for this crap!

I've wasted almost 23 years of my life... 21 years of my daughter's life and 16 years of my son's life with an alcoholic husband. Sooo... I had to go back and take a second look at the author.... For a minute I thought it was me. This is my story too.


I know how you feel

Wow. These are all my own story! My husband has now started accusing me of making up all the things he says and does when drunk. So I will also try the recorder - a very good idea that!

I got a tape recorder and used my smart phone to catch him at his "best". When I pull out the recorder, he shuts up. I now have my own evidence and then I male copies of the pics and leave it around the house where he can find them. This did not stop his drinking but I have It documented and if anything should happen to me, well lets just say I keep my flash drive on my keys if anything mysteriously happens. I also keep a diary of what happens when he gets like that. Don't know if it's legal and I don't care. I have to keep my sanity. I listen to the recordings and it's a constant reminder of all the broken promises. They say a drunk tells the truth......GOD IS WITH YOU.

My husband is a drunk. I've been married to him for 20 something years. I don't hate him, but he makes me sick and we don't sleep together anymore. I'm meaner than he is but he is never available to help with the kids, drive them places, emergencies, because when he comes home from work, he drinks right away, slurs his speech, stumbles down the hallway, and can't drive or do anything at all. We both work. I want to leave but he'd get the house and he's lose it because he can't pay the bills with his salary or pay the bills period because he leaves all that up to me. I've always been the strong one, but I am going out of my mind with him and our relationship. Being married to him and feeling this way has made my life ugly. I"m angry and depressed. He wont stop drinking.

I am almost 68 years old and have been with my alchoholic husbandb for 12 years. He always drank but he is such a gentle man that I ignored how much. I thought that I could manage him but I've been the sole earner for 5 years now and he is getting worse. His memory is sporadic. He won't get help. We live in a country where state help doesnt really exist. I'm an enabler I know , I try to limit him but he drinks anything he can find. I work at home and this house is all I have. If I could afford to leave he would not survive and nor would the house, as he could not pay any bills. He already nearly lost the house as he took out a loan which he didn't pay. I paid half and his pension is now secured to pay the rest which leaves him with no income. I,m soo angry all the time, he won't get help. Feels good to get it out though I know there's no real answer.

I am close to your age and have been with my alcoholic husband for 20 years. By this time, you know he won't change, so the only thing left is for you to be good to yourself. Please look into AlAnon chapters where you are. If there are none, search on the internet for online groups and read, read, read. There is a very good one called Miracles in Progress where you will find lots of people just like us. Also, a writer named Toby Rice Drews has a series of books called Getting Them Sober and a free email newsletter, again all with the focus of helping yourself. If you're stuck with him, as I am with mine, at least your life can be made bearable if not fulfilled. You don't have to be miserable 24/7.

If you have children and need out of what is going on in your life. As bad as it sounds you can apply for state aid and put yourself through school. You don't need to stay because you can't afford to leave. Your lifestyle will change of course but you will have the option of making your life go where you want it to without all the drama for your children and yourself.

My daughter did it and she is now in college and doing well.

My husband was an alcoholic so we divorced.On one of his weekends to have her I found out that after he picked her up he stopped at the tavern to get a beer. She was only about eighteen months old. He actually forgot she was in the car and left her there until he was too drunk to be in the bar let alone drive. I moved to another state before he ended up killing her. The laws were different then. Now I would have his --- put in jail. I know how hard it is to be married to an addict or alcoholic and I wish anyone that has that problem the best.

OMG! Wow I was reading your story and it was like I was reading my own. I have been married six years now and I am tired of being married. Husband makes over $100K as a finance director and drinks and smokes. He drinks beer and takes shots of gin. Bad combo for him because he turs into the devil. I have 2 kids and haven't worked since we've been together. I want to leave also but ave nowhere to go with no money. I get accused all the time about hiding money or gambling and another man. I only have a son with him and a daughter from a previous relationship. He treats me and my daughter bad. I can't stand to be in the same room with I'm or even look at him. He stinks like cigarette smoke and beer. He don't want to out and have fun or spend time with me or the kids. He drinks everyday and on his off days he will drink all day without eating. At night he is so pissy drunk he pees in the sink or bathtub or in the corner. Last year he got a DUI and now he is scared to drive anywhere, so I am his chauffeur. I am working on leaving him because I know I will be able to get alimony until I find a job.

Alcoholics just destroid lives.

my husband and i have only been married 6 months. i knew he was an alcoholic. we have been together for 4 yrs and have a 10 month old daughter. i have come to terms with his disease but he isnt ready to get help. just recently signed lease together and desperately want him gone as quietly as possible for my daughters sake....any suggestions?

So so many of us- my story so similar, married 18 yrs in May, two boys 16 and 11. I knew he drank when I married him, thought he would leave his drinking ways and grow up...I did, he did not. He has been sober longest time 4 yrs, and speratic 10 or 11 months here and there. Mostly lately he is drunk or on the verge of drunk 24-7. He works now was unemployed 2 yrs prior. It is just a matter of time before they catch onto his drinking and he will lose that job too. He used to be so smart, attractive, witty and now he is just stupid and annoying. Of course he does not see that. Financially, we are ruined and emotionally I am a mess. He has been in rehab 2 times, has 3 Dui's over the last 15 yr period. He did AA for awhile but stopped. Has had a hit and run accident that nearly killed him due to drinking, and has spent 30 days in jail. Have know idea where his bottom is? He lives for his boys and believe it or not they are great kids...straight A students and great athletes. They love their Dad but hate his drinking. If you saw our family you would have no idea of our struggles. Our Family knows and my good friends now that is it. I work and make a good salary at a professional job. I want him to leave, but financially it is not possible at this time. Living with an alcoholic is baffeling, bewildering and crazy! I pray everyday for strength and all I can do is keep waking up and breathing...taking one day at a time. I understand so much of what you all are talking about.

Wow,"tiredofallthebs",your story sounds SO much like mine. I am at my wits end & feel trapped. There's nothing I can do but wait on him to stop drinking. I feel like I'm in a bad movie. I just pray that God gives me strength to get through it with my sanity intact. Thank you posting your story.