He Says I Am Crazy...

I have been married to my husband almost 8 years now, have known him for 10. I knew he drank before we got married. He is Scottish and the culture there involves a lot of drinking. And I mean A LOT.  He moved here just to be with me. It was a big adjustment for him leaving everything he knows. But it wasn't long after we were married I realized that there was a problem.  He would get slobbering drunk and turn mean. Not physical, but a lot of name calling and hatefulness. He would get mad at me for nothing then leave for a bar and stay out til all hours with me worrying myself sick.  Then I became pregnant and he was thrilled to be a father. But nothing changed. Long story short it has been a very long unhappy struggle.  Now to current days. They are much better then they used to be, much , much better.  He has not been slobbering drunk and mean for a very long time. BUT he still drinks a couple beers every day, which still makes me cringe. I can tell by talking to him instantly if he has had a beer. I can smell it when I walk into the house. I instantly become a bit hostile and a bit sick on my stomach. He gets home from work a few hours before me and the one and only thing I have asked for is to not drink when I am not home. He used to drink whiskey and vodka when I worked and then crack a beer right before I walked in the door and swear that was all he had for the entire day. I knew better. I do not think it is unreasonable to ask him to abstain until I get home. It is very stressful not knowing what I am coming home to.  He says I blame him for  getting drunk before it happens. I explain I have seen it so many times I know the pattern. It is the worrying whether or not it IS going to happen, but he doesn't understand. He just sees me as an angry accusing wife. Well, I am angry and tired of fighting. I am not meek and mild, I let him know in not uncertain terms that I detest the drink.  He says I drive him to it. Do I? Am I causing my husband to be what he is? Our son sees us fight and it breaks my heart. I love my husband. But the stress of all this is unbearable to me. Just smelling one beer on his breath is enough to set me off. So i guess my question is, because he is not a slobbering drunk and has had A LOT of improvement, am I crazy for feeling the way I do. He says he will never quit drinking completely.  I feel I have comprimised all that I can. Hell I used to drive him to the bar and sit outside waiting to pick him up just so he could have his "bevie".  Should I keep my mouth shut and deal with it? There is so much more I could say but I feel I am just rambling now.
gagw2011 gagw2011
4 Responses May 10, 2012

Help. I'm in a similar position. My husband drinks a lot during the day and at least a bottle of wine each night. When he drinks rum he turns nasty, yelling at me in front of the children, slamming doors and storming out saying it's my fault. He stays out all night binge drinking and not answering my calls. He used to drink rum from as early as 9 in the morning but has stopped since i refused to buy it anymore. He doesn't believe he has a problem and always maintains that the verbal abuse (yelling and then refusing to continue the discussion) is due to my not knowing when to shut up. I am losing, weight, sleep, self esteem and even the hope that my kids will grow up without alcohol issues. Am i crazy?

I am where you are now! My husband was drinking before we married and drank ALOT and it became a big problem and has slowed down ALOT as well. I can tell imediatly when I walk into a room w/ him if he has had 1 beer or not, just to hear his voice I can tell you he has been drinking. But its like once he gets started he cant stop, and dont get me wrong he can have a just a few. I have asked him to stop but he deosnt "want" to. I believe he has a problem but he doesnt. Our daughter has seen us argue in the past about his drinking or when he was in one of his drunken rage. Thank-god that was years ago. I'm like you am I being the selfish one and asking too much ?!? When is enough ?

I think its crazy, I absolutely fell for the alcohol deception and I'm sorry! I should've known better than to believe that your husband could have changed so much on his own. <br />
After reading your reply, I realize that what I wrote was out of line. He hasn't stopped giving you & your son grief? Picking fight and blaming you? He isn't sticking to 2 beers/day. <br />
I think that I was so excited about the idea that maybe, one man out there, that's an alcoholic, could see the problem & fix it.<br />
I'm so sorry that I implied you should be more patient. I need to stop giving my two cents to serious situations. I wish you the very best. He is honest saying that he wont stop drinking. I guess that's the only thing certain here. <br />
Again, I'm so sorry.

No apology necessary!! All the best to you!

I'm glad you wrote me back, I was really unhappy with myself for my first comment. All the best to you too!

I understand your sensitivity to his drinking. I also understand all that you have tolerated & had to deal with being married to an alcoholic. <br />
I have to say tho, and please this is just my opinion, I think the fact that he has stopped his binge drinking and keeps it to 2 beers a day, is amazing! That is not easy for an alcoholic to do, right? <br />
He is not getting that alcoholic rage any more, he is staying home & he is present. That is a really great. <br />
I am not saying that you are wrong, or that you have no reason to be angry. Alcoholics do a lot of emotional damage to the ones they hold the most dear. The kind of stuff that stays with you, especially the fear of if and when it will happen again. <br />
I don't know if this is right, but maybe be okay with his 2 beers when he comes home. Then you don't have to see him drinking and he can relax quietly after work. And if he can stick to that and not start drinking more and more, at least you'll know what to expect, nothing but a calm husband. <br />
And maybe you could consider talking to someone and figure out how to get rid of your anger & hostility. These feelings, day after day, can make you really sick. <br />
I truly hope that your husband can keep on the path that he is on, for you & him. Best of luck to you!

Thank you for your response. I am working on my patience. If he can stick to a couple beers that would be great. But even smelling alcohol on his breath upsets our son so much. He still lies and hides beer in places so it will look like he only has a few available but it is like a never ending fountain. And even though he isn't as mean as he once was he still acts differently, saying things that don't make sense, trying to pick fights with me over nothing so he can blame me for his need to drink. I think it is all typical behavior. I have stood by him through a DUI and jail. I guess my big thing is if I was doing something that was going to cost me my family I would do everything in my power to stop it and he openly admits he has no intention to stop drinking. But again, thank you for your words. they did make me think. It is one day at a time!