There's A First Time For EverythingLike the first time you realized he drank just a little too much. You gave him a pass because it happens to all of us from time to time.
Or when it finally hit you that he was near wasted every time he drove you home. But everyone was always a little tipsy on Friday and Saturday nights and you always made it home.
You were suspicious the first time one of his stories didn't add up. You figured maybe you were just over-analyzing so you let it go.
Remember the first time you caught him using your computer to connect with other people on adult sites? You figured it was a one time thing and he promised he'd never do it again. But he always did it again, in one form or another.
And then you married him. Looking back, you knew it wouldn't go well unless you "wanted" to be in a sexless marriage with an alcoholic, a liar & a cheat.
That first time you shut down emotionally after you got blamed for his bad mood/his excessive drinking/his inability to be intimate with you was rough, to say the least. You thought you couldn't sink much lower. But you did. Over time it wasn't just moments of emotional shut down, it was days, weeks, months. He had broken you. You used to stand up for yourself before all the walking on eggshells bullshit started. You were strong and independent but not anymore.
The first time you noticed his patterns was a real eye-opener. He'd pull away, berate, blame, get wasted. The order didn't matter but you always knew something was up. You knew what to look for and you always caught him red-handed. Then he'd start bargaining.
Time and time again, you were right back in the same spot. Always catching him in a lie about booze, where he was, who he was with, etc. After all those confrontations came professions of love and devotion and repentance. You can only believe someone wants to change, wants to be a better person so many times. You believed him until you realized he was just crying wolf.
You started thinking you couldn't take it anymore. The first time you said "**** my life" aloud, alone, it felt liberating and hopeless all at once. You went on to say it thousands of times. You think of ways to leave, never fully committing. You think about the future. About how horrible your life would be if it kept up this way for the next 20+ years.
After catching him being a sneaky, sleazy, lying bastard, AGAIN, he tries to start anew. Broken record. Dead horse. Or is it? He seems focused, committed, finally able to face his demons. He has daily epiphanies and espouses loyalty, fidelity and honesty. You wonder is it too little too late.
Who knows where it goes from here. So many chances to get it right gone terribly wrong.
prettyeffedup 31-35, F 3 Responses 0 Jun 27, 2012