My Husband Is Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde

I'm sitting in an apartment and my husband is living in my house. He's a drunk. We haven't even been married two years and have spent most of it apart. I knew he was a drinker when I first met him but I never knew it could be this bad. He's raped me twice and hurt me during drunken rages he doesn't remember a few times too. So I left him. He's at it again tonight. He accused me of sending two bikers over to the house to beat him up. I think he's lying about it but I don't know for sure. He lied about having cancer, I don't know why he'd hesitate to lie about someone trying to beat him up. But. When he's sober he's amazing. I love him, he's my best friend, I'm in love with him and want to spend my life with him. He's funny and he's smart and sweet and considerate and he still makes my knees weak when he kisses me. Is that worth the rest of the ****? It used to be. I'm not so sure anymore. I gave him an ultimatum today. Me or the booze. I think he's already chosen. And since my heart actually feels like it's been broken, I think he chose the booze. What does that say about me? I'm not worth the two days a week he spends obliviously drunk? Why can't he just stop? I don't understand.
T1366 T1366
46-50, F
3 Responses Sep 1, 2012

I am currently asking myself all the same questions. Time to put ourselves first. Take a stand and stick with it. I am rooting for you!

It doesn't say anything about you, but it says a lot about him. He is an addict, and you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't change it. Only he can. You might want to look into AlAnon, which is a support group for people whose lives are affected by someone else's drinking. You can go to meetings if they're convenient to you or even online. There is also a series of books called Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews which I have found very helpful. She also has a free email newsletter and telephone support groups. The important message in all of it is that you are not the problem, and he has a monkey on his back that has nothing to do with you. I have been living with it for 20 years, and if I knew then what I know now, I never would have stayed this long. Good luck to you.

One day he might come around but what if he doesn't? Life is too short to waste on what ifs and what could be's tomorrow isn't promised for anyone. I think the biggest gift you can even give him is the gift of understanding that he has a problem that needs to be seriously addressed. If his feelings come anywhere near your feelings for him, your leaving might be just the kickstart he needs to begin to make some significant changes in his own life. In addition, he may begin to see how his drinking is impacting you as well.