I Kicked Out My Alcoholic Fiancee, But Now I Feel Lost....

I finally had enough. I saw the signs recycling again. " I am not an alcoholic", "You drive me to binge drink", "remember the old days when we used to drink together, we had so much fun", "I just want to chill out on the weekend with you", "I'm a grown man, stop controlling me". Like a broken record that was on pause for five months automatically started again and I could not do it no more. I am 29 years old, I have three children from a previous marriage, 10, 6 and 3 and a 8  month old that we had together. When I first met him I thought he was the love of my life. I was not aware of his drinking and controlling ways until I had moved 100 km from my family with him. He had convincced me that because my family did not support my relationship with him that they in turn did not respect and love me as an adult. Since our relaocation he started to show his true colours. He became verbally and physically abusive to me. He needed to drink almost everyday until he passed out and was angry if I gotten drunk before him. If we did not have enough money for alcohol he would comprise groceries and other necesscities to get what he wanted. I felt isolated and alone. I had no friends or family to call upon for help. As time went on things got worse. WE used to go out together to bars to drink and he would leave me there alone to find my way back in the middle of the night. Eventually I became pregnant and he started to make his promises. I won't drink anymore....I promise and I am sorry. Then an event will come up and he would find an excuse to drink again. Did I mention that he was a liar? When we first got together he told me that he was a veteran and was stationed in Afganistan for two years. He saw many of his comrads die, Afgans blowing up themselves and so on. Its not until I relocated to my present location where his family resides that I found out that he did not leave Oklahoma. Actually he recieved an honorary discharge cuz the stress of training was too much. Ofcourse when I confronted him he denied it only until he was pressed he admitted he made up the whole thing. Any way getting back to alcoholism, since relocating closer to his family he got progreeively even worse. He started binge drinking and ending up admitted to the psych ward for his suicidal behaviour. Within a 12 month span he was admitted 4 times! Finally he was diagnosed with bi-polar, PTSD, Anxiety disorder, OCD and most recently FAS. He was given very high dosage of anti depressants etc for his symptoms. But his emotionally abuse endured. Since this year he relasped and stopped taking his medication. He even took off and left me stranded with no day care or rent and left a note to me and the kids that he was going to treatment. Only later to find out that he was hanging out with his crack head friend drinking. Stupidly I looked for him and asked him to come back. So he did. He promised that things woud change and told me he left cuz I was driving him crazy...therefore it was my fault. He also to me that he knows that he is not an alcoholic that I am the one with the problem. I told him that if his doctor and our counsellor can support this that I would be the first one to give him a cheer ( I knew that would never happened). I said no drinking until we het the approval of his drs and he agreed. One week ago and had a huge dinner for his family. He annouced to everyone his undying love to me and that he wanted to get married to me. He even shed a few tears. I was happy in that moment but I knew something was up. My gut was right because as the days went on he got moodier. I knew his disability check was coming and I was worried about rent not being paid on time. So I kept on asking for confirmation that he would pay rent. Each time he said yes of course. The day his check arrives he says to me "what are we doing this weekend?" My radar jumped up...I knew what was coming up and I felt like I was going to snap.  I said "nothing, the same as always". He responds "I guess you won't mind if I buy some wine for tomorrow right?" I said " I am not going to enable you, I am not going to ever drink with you and you are an alcoholic and you cannot convince me other wise. I will not tell you what to do anymore, if you drink that is your demise not mine." He says " Well I was not asking for your permission I am teling you what I am going to do!" I respond,   "That's nice, but I don't like who you are right now and I know its your disease not you and I am sad for you".  He starts to laugh and tells me I'm crazy and stop using my psychology degree on him cuz it doesn't work. Then he gets up and says "well this is not going to work so have fun paying rent and getting childcare". I freaked out, and started to shout at him. I was sick and tired of the on-going cycle and I wanted him out of my house and wanted him out now. I told him a bunch of lies to scare him like my ex is on his way to kick his ***, that my sister called the cops cuz he is on probation for domestic that I charged him a year prior. I just wanted him out. So with some force I literally kicked him out. I found out a few days later that he was drinking and talking to his family members calling me every name in the book. I found myself lost and having to aplogize to my family members for choosing a life with this monster over them. I found myself confused and alone and looking into the eyes of my confused children as they wondered if he will return again. I asked God for strength and direction and he answered me a day later......I know I must leave. And for those who are in my position, you are not alone. I never felt pain, anger, despise, love, dispair, helplessness and happiness all at one time. I never felt so lost, and confused that I don't know if I am coming or going or not know right from wrong. My only prayer now is to be healed and move on and never look back!!

mellymel1080 mellymel1080
5 Responses Mar 2, 2010

I hope you can heal and start a new life without him. I am in a similar situation.

I just kicked out my alcoholic husband. I feel so alone and lost. How do I move on and heal?

I feel the same way as you guys. i felt alone but your posts helped me. I kicked out my alcoholic boyfriend for the 6th time last week. it is the same cycle, i wasnt sure what i was feeling until i read the first , I never felt pain, anger, despise, love, dispair, helplessness and happiness all at one time, i want sure exactly what i was feeling until now, this is a really hard road for anyone to go on, i am a strong, smart, funny person with a job, a car, i tried to pay all my bills myself , and i ma questioning my behavior, he did all those things, beat me up, destroyed my furniture, he drank and passed out, he promised to stop but never did, thanks for posting your posts because now i know i am not alone in this, you guys are like me, thanks,

i hear you loud and clear. my fiancee, well now ex, coz i kicked him out yesterday, is an alcoholic too.. drinks to the point of blacking out very early on in the piece, then cant remember what hes done. friday at his work do was the last straw, we got home and he snapped, ranting and raving and threw me into the door fr<x>ame. i can sympathise with how you feel, and its hard, but us girls need looking after, not being the one who looks after all the time. im scared how im going to manage to keep the house and pay the bills, but ill work something out. if you need to talk feel free to message me. chin up..

Thanks lightpainter for your comments. He is now in detox and claims he knows he has a problem. Ihave not talked to him directly as I fear that I will be sucked right back in. Supposedly he is going to his second AA meeting this Friday with his Mom. I am so confused as I want to relocate and move back closer to my family, but I am haunted by the "what ifs". Its really hard at this point as my children really miss him and I still feell guilty over the whole situation.