My Husband Had A Relationship With Another Woman

I have a lot to vent about, so bear with me.

I have known my husband for more than 10 years. We have always had a happy, fantastic relationship. I feel like that fell apart 2-3 years ago, about a year into my bachelor's degree program. He says that I became moody, abusive (verbally and physically) and unsupportive. Shortly before I finished my degree (late 2011), he met a 20 year old woman on Twitter (I'm 25, he's 26) and they began to bond over many things in their life.

Well before I knew it (around June 15thish 2012), they were posting pictures for each other over Twitter, email and Instagram, sending thousands of Direct Messages a day and talking about intimate things (not sexual exactly) that they'd like to do together if they were ever to have the chance to meet. He had her phone number, address (he sent her items that we got from spending time at E3) pictures saved on his phone... He was telling her things like that he wanted to fix things with me, but made it sound like he wanted to start a relationship with her.

Well I knew all of his passwords, and I suspected something after I found a "like" on Instagram, so I logged onto his Twitter and found the messages at around midnight that night. He works the night shift and she was up late studying for some exam, so I let them talk for a while while I watched impatiently and in heartbreak as my otherwise loving husband said all of these things he normally reserved only for me to someone else whom I didn't even know existed. I watched until early in the morning the next day, hundreds of messages later. And he has the audacity to text me that he's out of work and "What's up?" Well I lost my ****. I left the house and moved in with a close family friend.

Over the next week or so, he tried to make things up to me, and I moved back in for a bit, but told me that they weren't going to stop talking. WTF? Really...? So this time I said I wanted to stay at the house and I made him stay with the family friend.

So, after watching them talk for a bit more, I hacked all of his emails and Twitter and changed everything I could so that he could not access it at all. And all he did was create another Twitter so he could keep talking to her. Damn. I thought, I've given him 10 years of my life and this is what it gets me. Putting this person who I barely know over your wife of 3 years, someone who you've known for the better part of your life.

And it didn't help that she's young, ambitious, a better artist than I in my profession (she's not even in art), and super gorgeous and smart. And a cosplayer. Something I've always wanted to do. Plus she doesn't drink or smoke and one of my husband's complaints was that I lied to him about smoking. She is also a gamer and a wrestling fanatic, some traits that the three of us all share.

Long story shortened, over the course of the next 3 months, he constantly promised me that he wasn't talking to her when it was all a complete lie. In reality, which he recently confessed to, he was using Skype with her every day and even video chatting with her. There were pictures that he took at an anime convention that I know were especially to show her. He was posting and saving song lyrics that I know he thought of her when he listened to. And at a point during the beginning of July, he told me he wanted to act as if we were separated. And I remember saying no, and him agreeing, during that time, he and the girl discussed having a relationship and how it would work and they decided that it wouldn't.

I feel that's the only reason he's even with me anymore. He did say that I became nicer again, but I will never know if it was because of this mess or if since I was finished with my schooling and had less stress and a new job, if it was due to that. I hate to think that this clusterfuck was the cause of a good change in me. He also stopped talking to her a week after I stopped smoking (4 weeks ago) due to a new medication I have been taking.

So everything's getting better for us now, three months+ later, but this ***** refuses to apologize or acknowledge me at all. Even after I berated her and made her feel like crap in the beginning (hubby told me so).

But yesterday, I found a draft email that it sounds like he was planning on snail-mailing in which he refers to her as "My Darling" and saying how he cares a lot for her and how they are "kindred spirits."

This whole thing just hurts so much still. And I feel like he's blaming me for still being upset about it. As I type this, he's left the room because he got upset at me about nothing and it offended me and made me sad. After I was so excited to see him today. I know he still thinks about this girl and it breaks my heart in so many different ways. I don't want him to be unhappy, so I tried contacting her and asking her to talk to him again, but she refused. After that, I tried to stop caring and left it to him to deal with.

I don't know whether I stopped caring if he leaves me, or if I just don't care about the situation, but all throughout our relationship, I've always cared for him so much. And he couldn't even stick out the hard times with me and he'd rather just move on... It's too much. Maybe that's why I feel I don't care. It's just a super convoluted and confusing situation.

If anyone has questions, comments or insight, I would love to hear from you.
DepressedNerdyBird DepressedNerdyBird
2 Responses Sep 20, 2012

I'm sorry that you have been dealing with this for so long. Isn't it strange how you grow numb? It isn't that you don't love them. I think it is a self-preservation method. You can only take so much **** before you are just tired of it. I am there.
It isn't that I don't love my husband. I do. I love him to death. Most of the time, he makes me happy. Most of the time we get along. I know he probably won't do anything stupid again. He's gotten beyond that stage, but whatever it is that broke... is just broken. It's a little piece. Maybe it was trust?

There are no greener pastures just other problems. You have this extensive history with someone that is very significant. It bears weight. He knows that he can look over at you at specific moments and you will understand things because you have shared experiences. I think people get comfortable with that sort of thing. The relationship becomes familial. You are part of him and he is part of you, and leaving just isn't easy - even if is attracted to someone else.

What I wonder is why the hell they don't just tell you before they pull this crap. I told my husband repeatedly - if you want someone else just tell me. I'll be hurt, but I'll step out of the way.

I found out, and he decided after a weekend alone with her that he still wanted to be with me.

I am thankful that my husband is very repentant about what happened. We've talked about it many times. I don't think he realizes how much it still hurts. He probably thinks that I should just get over it because he is sorry... and he won't do it again. But there is no way that your heart can just turn those things off.

Again, I'm sorry that you have had to go through this. I can relate because what I went through happened while I was working on my undergraduate degree - which is the last thing you need while in school. Relationships are complicated. I hope you find peace in your decision whatever it may be.

wooooooh. this is a problem. your husband is doing something very similar to what mine did where he starts an innocent friendship with another woman, but you can feel in your gut that something is different from the start. he has done so much with this other woman, and he is clearly still deeply in love with her.. i feel like for your own sanity and self-esteem you need to take some time away from this partner. if he wants to stay with you then he should go to allll kinds of counselling to understand why he fell in love with another person while he was with you, and why he still longs for her now when she's ended it. in my case, my hubby was in a working relationship with the other woman, and the red flag for me was that he would always always say really positive things about this woman, and never ever say anything bad about her. even now, he does that. i think its going to end our marriage because when i criticize her (because i hate her for flirting with my husband) he will always say something to defend her, something innocent like "oh, she's like that with everybody" and then i go into a deep deep depression feeling, and can't move or talk to him, because he has just shown me, in a very innocent way, that he 'gets her' and has a special bond with her, and loves her. he has admitted to me that he finds her sexually attractive. what reminded me of this in your story is when you said that he was defending her and saying that you had 'made her feel like crap'. that is totally innappropriate. it is he, and her, that have made you feel like crap. it is totally manipulative for him to be blaming you. and why does it matter if she is in touch with you or him? she is totally playing with and destroying your marriage with her games. its painful to watch! be strong and lets pm if you want. i really want to move past this awful situation that is happening with my husband that is similar (ambitious, flirtatious younger woman who he just thinks the world of).