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Feeling Insecure....

My hubby wants to get into swinging, I am not feeling confident about it, I feel like he just wants to be given permission to have sex with other women.....he has cheated on me in the past and I will admit a had a revenge affair on him, too....which he knows about....we worked very hard to earn trust for each other.....and now this.....I feel if I don't give him what he wants that he will return to his cheating ways of the past....but I am not sure that is what I want to do....I have no confidence in myself anymore due to health issues that I am battling.....any suggestions or advice?
lovingthemanintheuniform lovingthemanintheuniform 46-50, F 11 Responses Jul 31, 2011

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Im same :( i found out that he,s been doing it for a while,and i dont know what to do as he said i should dind someone to have "fun"with.? Im so confused and upset right now.

my husband cheated on me 7 years ago, i did not know what was going on at first, he asked me to make friends with this women at work, she was married and my husband worked with her husband. we went out a few times my husband was always going on about her. found out they were phoning and texting each other. left my husband for two weeks, went back to him as he said nothing happened. we got married, after a few months he asked me what i thought about swinging ,i did not know what it was until he told me. i told him no i dont want to do that, he kept on with me telling me i was square i need to have fun, i need to lighten up, let my hair down. so i gave in. i wish i never. now he is addicted to it,he says it like a ***, when i say i dont want to, he gets very abusive with me, and says he will tell my family what i do, he likes to see me with another man and its only a bit of fun what else can we do. what ever i suggest is boaring. i really feel for you as i feel the same. i really want to leave him as he makes me feel like an ob<x>ject not a person.

I agree with MeINID - I did it for my ex. I was insecure and felt that if I didn't he would cheat on me or leave me because he was so obsessed with it. It just made things worse and eventually ruined our marriage. It never made me feel more confident and desirable. It just made me see most men in a worse light and destroyed my beliefs that they can be sweet, loving, romantic, monogamous men, and not just sex focused jerks, who see women as nothing more than playthings that they will say anything to (including how much they love you, or how hot they think you are) just to get into your panties. <br />
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Fortunately when I met my current husband it showed me that there are still some good, loving, honest men out there. Unfortunately the stuff that most of the men on EP write in these groups just seems to demonstrate that my prior beliefs are actually true, and that honest, loving, romantic, monogamous men like my current husband are the exception, and my ex husband is more the rule.

Thank you for sharing your story with me MeInID......I will think about what you have written.....

Don't do it, if your self confidence is a little shot, once all is said and done, it will be shattered. I was in the same boat as you. Mine never cheated on me but I kept finding him on sites looking for sex partners, I was like you, I thought better to be open to it then have him do it behind my back. <br />
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We just had our first couple experience. Our relationship and my self esteem have not been the same since. I find my self wanting out. I don't believe he loves me no matter how much he says he does. I can't get the image of him ******* that other woman out of my head. <br />
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I am overwieght, 47, and not what most would consider attractive, he's 56, attractive and well endowed. We had not done this before, the couple we met were more experienced. We ended up paired off, I would have rather started with a soft swap ( intercourse only with your spouse, watching intercourse of other couple and all 4 fondling , etc ) but it didn't turn out that way. The man I ended up with never could achieve an erection. Mine had one for 3 hours that night ( At least one of us women got lucky! ) My hubby never even so much as kissed me once we all got back to our house, he didn't touch me all night, sat across the room from me or with her. I got up and left the bedroom upset, he stayed in the bed with them. Didn't even bother coming to see if I was ok. <br />
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We aren't the most sexually active couple with eachother ( not my fault, he just never wants it, maybe 2 or 3 times a month ) so why he wanted to do this, why he spent the entire evening pleasing that woman and didn't give me anything, why he was going on sex sites....all points to the fact that he is not, has never been , nor ever will be interested in me sexually.

Thank you for your comments and I will think about what you said......

Hi there.<br />
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ba<x>sed on my experience / desires, it is not your husband's nefarious way to have sex with other women. he actually wants to share this experience with you. When my ex-wife and I would occasionally "involve" others, it actually made us happier, more loving and more secure. <br />
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Not sure why you are so low on self esteem. That can be very destructive for your marriage. Perhaps being desired by another man could benefit you. On the other hand, him being with another woman could make your self esteem issue worse. <br />
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I wonder how your husband (and you) would feel about including another man in your relationship ie: a MFM ********* or he just watches you with another man. Many men are turned on by this. It could be an esteem builder for you and erotic for him. You might enjoy being coveted by two men and being the center of attention. <br />
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Good luck.

Thank you for your suggestions, every little bit of info helps

I don't think very many get into swinging as just a license to have sex with others, but rather as a way to jointly explore new possibilities and share new experiences together. You can start by just watching without participating and see how you both feel. Then go with the flow and just do what you want. You shouldn't do anything that you don't want to do. Granted, if you're so dead set on believing that he'll go right out and have another affair if you don't agree to go with him, then there's probably nothing he could say or do to convince you otherwise. But consider, wouldn't holding on to that position create a self fulfilling prophecy? You guys should talk this out before taking action...

I appreciate your comments, not that I agree with all of it, as I have not given him permission to **** other women......but I will agree I do have low confidence which I am working on...:).....I have been badly hurt by him in the past and we have worked on our trust issues......but I do have the fear he will cheat on me if I don't agree to this.....but I will consider your suggestions, so thank you for your input....

If you aren't going to do it for yourself then don't do it.<br />
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One paragraph from you isn't enough info to ba<x>se the following - so if it's way off ba<x>se and not helpful, just delete my comment rather than be offended.<br />
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He doesn't want to swing with you to **** other women (you have already given him permission so to do and he'll cheat on you from time to time for the rest of forever) You have low confidence and low self esteem - he knows that when he ***** other women, he feels on top of the world and wants you (because he does actually love you) to experience the delight of conquest and seduction. He also wants you to learn how to be a better and more prolific lover - you 2 have fought over frequency and how to mix it up a number of times. He wants you to learn and experience and he wants to be your friend enough that he wants you 2 to do it together. He believes that by expanding your sexuality, the 2 of you will be better lovers together.