I Dont Know What To Do Anymore.

I hate my "life".
first of all my parents are deforced because my father is alcoholic. he did countless attempts to stay off the beer, and when i finally thought he didnt drink anymore i came to visit him he was drunk again. it broke my heart so many times. after a talk with his 3th girlfriend (they all dumped him because he started drinking again) i learned that he jumped through a window on the second floor. a few weeks later i heared he drank so much he passed out on the streets and they brought him to the hospital, the docters said he was really lucky to be alive. that really scared me.

my mother is a sweet person, but 2 years ago i went on holiday with my brother and my mother to gambia (poor country in africa). there was this man trying to give tourists a tour for some money or rice. he ended up being our guide for the week. after one week the man asked my mother to marry him ( he is almost 20 years younger than my mother and he obviously did it for the money) my mother said yes what came to a shock to me. so we went back to the netherlands and he stayed in gambia. sometimes i heard my mother talking over the phone with him argueing about money. a half year later she went back to gambia for two weeks to actually marry him. and another one and a half year later he came to the netherlands to live with us. he is a nice man but i dont think there is really love between them. but what do i know im always in my room feeling sorry for myself.

my brother is a really social animal he is partying alot, and ******* his girlfriend from when he was 16 years old. wich i have to hear all night because his bedroom is above mine. my family ( my mother and uncles and aunts) want me to be like my brother, they always ask when i give a party, invite my friends over (i only have 1) and find a girlfriend. but they just dont see or dont want to see that im depressed and unhappy. i always try to put on a fake smile and talk it off. thats what im doing for the past 4 years also in school.

i hate school and it is really stressing me out. it just feels so pointless going to school because i know want to work, i cant think of a job that i might like a little bit. i have a plan but i dont know if it is going to work. and it would only be for like 2 years because i dont have alot of money. for 3 years now i am thinking about just buying a tent but some clothes in a bag and just walk away. no mobile phone, and just leave everything behind. i want to walk east to china or something. i did some research about it and i could walk to china in 2-3 years if i spent 6 euros a day only on food. im dreaming about it for so long now. but as i grow older it looks more difficult to do and i just dont know what else to do. the only other way out i think is suicide. nights after nights im crying my eyes out not knowing what to do. i have one and a half year to go untill i am 18 but it seems to take for ever. and i feel like i cant take it anymore because i go to a new school and it is really hard and stressing me out.

jonathan12 jonathan12
18-21, M
Dec 31, 2010