Not Knowing Where You Stand…the Worst

So as it stands today I am not a prison wife and may not even be a prison girlfriend but My Heart My Soul and My Everything lives within the walls of Southern New Mexico Correctional Facility. The last few days I have been so angry so hurt and most of all dying inside. See I don’t even know when the next time I’ll see his face again. I am awaiting a trial for some charges I caught the day they ripped him from me. I still have a few more months till my trial and if things go as I hope and pray they do then I have till he is released but if I am convicted there is no telling when it will be. In the past he said even if that happened he would still be waiting for me but now that he has ended it and told me to not write even he could be anywhere when I get out and what if is with someone else? That would kill me. I couldn’t deal with seeing him with anyone else. I sent him 2 cards around the holidays and a money order well they sent the money order back because I put the wrong last name.(my fault) but day before my birthday I get it back and a holiday card saying Happy Birthday and then a call his account but its another guy using it calling for him to say Happy Birthday and then he brings up the money order (ruined my whole weekend). Couldn’t he have waited a few days or wrote me? Why did he have to do that? It made it seem like it was all about the money and lie I wasn’t gonna send it back. I sent that because I love him and I know he needed it not because he loves me or doesn’t. It was a gift to show how I felt not a way to get him back or get anything from him. Even know I knew it would spark something in him I wasn’t expecting anything. But he ruined my birthday after I spent Thanksgiving alone and crying cause he quit talking to me and Christmas alone doing the same cause by then he had ended it and told me not to write. I don’t know how to feel anymore I’m so conflicted I just wanna disappear. I wanna run and never look back. If I could I would even know I know myself and I would be back because I LOVE HIM and I made a decision the day we made it official we were together that I would do everything in my power to make it last. But how do you do that when they are being so selfish that it is killing you inside to hold on. aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so not OK. Maybe getting this out will help.
cantlosemybabydoll cantlosemybabydoll
26-30, F
Jan 7, 2013