My Marriage Is Draining Me And It Shows..

I don't know where to even start. Im ready to explode I'm so sad and angry..This is my second marriage I have 3 kids to my ex husband and my current husband and I don't have any cause I can't have any more.We have been married for 5 years and majority of the time we fight. I can say that my husband and I have been through a lot. I have been there to help him through addictions which I almost gave up on. It was too stressful and wore me out. Now he's clean from that but I'm still struggling with him being an alcoholic. I'm ready to give up again. He is in the military(reserves)so he thinks he has to be in control all the time..he also has a job that requires him to travel a lot. So in the beginning I was always mad cause our whole 5 years of marriage was me living by myself. I understood the deployments I'm an army wife that happens and I supported him 100% ,as far as him working away I'm ok with that now cause he's been home more and we do not get along when he's home.. I'd rather him be away now. But I have trust issues and have our entire marriage and I have my reasons. Through our whole marriage he has had some kind of contact with another woman and he always had a lie about why he was talking to them.I keep checking his phone and now I see some texts and emails to some woman he worked with that really bother me. I have tried to talk to him about how it hurts me and bothers me and he still continues to do it. We can't even talk about it cause its turns into a big argument. He blame shifts every time we argue.I also can't tell him the drinking is causing problems in our marriage. He said no one tells him what to do. I keep trying to tell myself at least he's not drinking at the bars but it still bothers me. It's every night and the same routine and it starts at 4 or 5 and goes till about 11 and its vodka mixed w juice. He gets so stupid when he drinks and sometimes mean. I have to watch what we talk about. We never do anything or go anywhere its the same routine over and over. I did forget to mention that he has PTSD from being deployed so he's on medication. The VA has told him not to mix alcohol with his meds but he still does it. I have asked him to go to a marriage counselor and he won't do it. I have gone to counselors in the past to try to cope. I'm at a loss now. We are currently arguing over his alcohol addiction and the texts to this woman. I am to the point in this marriage I feel like I tried everything I could to make it work I just want to give up. I have grown to hate the man I am suppose to love. If I had a place to go right now I could leave thats how angry I am. That is what's kept me here is I can't afford to leave. I feel like a failure cause my second marriage wont even last. My first marriage lasted 15 years and it was not even this bad. I never would have put up with the stuff I am now.So why do I do it now? At first it was love that kept me here and why I wanted to keep trying. Now it's only cause I can't afford to leave. A part of me cares for what happens to him that's why I have tried to help him this far but I can't any more I don't have the energy to keep fighting with him. He can be so mean with his words and somehow it always gets turned on me it's always my fault and I'm the cheater. Is it too late when I'm to the point I'm at? I can't even look at him or be in the same room as him. Christmas and New Years ruined again. I don't want another year like the last 5. He has changed the person I am. I'm not happy any more. I'm 40 and I'm afraid to start over again but I'm so sick of struggling with the same thing over and over. Also,my nerves can't handle this any more.
ImDrained ImDrained
36-40, F
2 Responses Jan 10, 2013

you can do it your worth it and 40 is the new 30. You know by now it won't change only you can change it. Read this.......may help.

Th link that flodials has given would be very useful if it applies when the military spouse is in the reserve, but that is not certain from reading that material. At Least ImDrained can make some enquiries, though I'm not sure to who she would address her complaints.

What can I say? It's a bad situation you are in and the only solution would be to find a way to get out of it with your children. Unfortunately I know nothing of the facilities for distressed women in your country, but you need to get help from outside the marriage.

Thanks for your input