Talk About Ironic

In 2007 I met a man, I’ll call him Drew. He was slightly younger than me but we got along great. It was a whirlwind courtship, we fell in love (or at least that’s what I thought it was at the time). About 3 months into our relationship he moved back to his home state about an hour away from me. I had been planning on relocating to a bigger city and with his encouragement I moved to the same city he lived in. Things were cool for the first few months. He introduced me to his family. We spent a lot of time at his brother’s house. He’d hang out with his brother and I’d hang out with his brother’s girlfriend. Everything seemed good then I started seeing less and less of him. He’d go days without returning my calls and texts. I’d get mad and break up with him, he’d beg me to come back.....we did that dance for a year and a half. All the while Drew would seek relationship advice from his brother, ‘Dan.’ After we reconciled after yet another fight/break up Drew confided in me that his brother had chastised him for taking ‘a good woman for granted.’ Drew said his brother even went so far as to tell him that he was lucky that he met me first. I finally decided in September of 2009 that I was done with Drew. He did one of his disappearing acts (ignoring my texts and calls) so I just stopped trying to contact him. A few weeks later I ran into Dan while out at a club with my girlfriends. We’d both been drinking and we started flirting. We ended up exchanging numbers. We started texting and talking on the phone regularly. We became friends and Dan told me all about his brother cheating on me and how I deserved so much better than that.  After a couple months of calls and texts we finally decided to hang out one night. We had a few drinks and started commiserating over our failed relationships and one thing led to another. That was in January 2010. Since then we had been secretly seeing each other. We briefly stopped seeing each other after his brother found out in May 2010. But then in December of 2010 we happened to run into each other on the street and we picked up right where we left off. I have developed very strong feelings for this man. I know that we can never be together....maybe that’s why I feel so strongly for him....because there’s no risk of a rejection in a real relationship. The other night we went out for drinks and I stayed the night. He talked about how he’d like to start travelling and wants someone to travel with. I know he’ll find someone, he’s amazing. And it makes me sad to think about not seeing him anymore. I want him to be happy, I really do. I just wish I could be the one to make him happy. It’s ironic because I’m a bit of a commitment phone but he’s the one man that I could see myself with. It figures that I would find the one man that I actually want to be with....and I can’t have him. And now I don’t know what to do. Do I enjoy it while it lasts, knowing I’m going to end up hurt in the end or do I just cut my losses now and get the painful ending over with? My head tells me to leave but my heart tells me to stay.
lilangela18 lilangela18
26-30, F
May 21, 2012