Why Does He Push Me Away Just When Things Are Getting Good?
I have been dating a man for the last 1 1/2 years. To my knowledge, he is not aware that he has Aspergers, but I am 99% certain that he does. There were definitely sparks flying for both of us when we first went out. I was confused by his blunt, inappropriate comments from day 1, but also found a certain innocence, honesty, and rare beauty not found in other prospective partners. I could tell in his eyes that he was enamored with me. However, he kept saying things like " I'm not ready to fall in love (but I like you alot)....I should probably be alone.....I am emotionally abusive.....I am not who you think I am....don't fall in love with me". My first impulse was to run from him, and I did. I also found him to be quite self-centered and wanting to talk about what interested him, but not what interested me. Other than initially asking me out, he can't seem to pick up a phone and call me - texting was his preferred method to contact me. We spent about two months apart, and he never proceeded to contact me. We reconnected in two months only because I initiated a phone call. He stated that he" had never wanted to stop seeing me.....he just wasn't ready for a relationship". So, we hooked back up and things took off like a rocket, but fizzled quickly to the point where he would text me only once or twice a week and only see me once a month. This always takes place when things are getting good between us. It just flows when we are together. Other than his ill-directed rudeness (which he is unaware of), it is a thrill for me to be around him. I have learned to allow him to run things (did I say that he is also stubborn). I am extremely patient with him even when other people run from him. So, to spare all the details, it has been hot/cold for the past 1 1/2 years with him. His favorite thing to say to me (that kills the mood and my spirit) is that he doesn't love me and never will. This is confusing because just as soon as he says it, I pull away, and he is back pursuing me. Please keep in mind that he was married for 5 years. His ex-wife did not understand what was his problem (Aspergers), and needless to say, things got ugly. I know he is frightened of ever being hurt again and/or hurting anyone else. He has likened me to his ex-wife on many occasions. He states that he never loved her, but I can tell that he did - she is the only woman he talks about from his past. I personally think he doesn't know how to deal with the disappointment over the loss of his marriage. He has deep depressive episodes as well as obsessive/compulsive traits. He is honest to a fault and can appear as rude and arrogant. He has told me that his arrogance is just a way to hide his fears and insecurities. Just when I think that things are over for us, he reappears at work (we work at the same place, but not always on the same unit). I can see him out of the corner of my eye as he proceeds to the assignment board (I'm a nurse) to find out where I am. Then he will make a straight bee-line for me as if no one and nothing else exists except for he and I. I love him alot although I realize I am in for a "ride" and a challenge. Right now, things are silent again between us. I got mad at him again and didn't want to talk to him. We were having a wonderful lunch together and the "friend" talk came up again. I can't take it anymore! Everything is beautiful between us until he says that. I know he will be back around, but I want a better understanding between us. I want him to quit being afraid to love me (I know he does). I want him to quit pushing me away everytime things get good between us. I am more than willing to learn to more effectively deal with him if he will give me the same. Any ideas on how to bring together two people that dearly love each other?