Wow... He Has Asperger's And I Need Meds?

My husband and I were married only 5 months ago after dating for over a year. I have two children, with my youngest (which is in middle school) living with us.

He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome last week.

I knew my husband was "different" even when we were dating. I found myself making excuses for him in social situations, his anger over simple things that would have me in tears and his lack of understanding of how i felt and the people around him. He didn't have the best childhood, so I chalked up his being different to his experiences as he was growing up. I thought things would get better and I could "fix" him, but of course you probably have already figured out that isn't going to happen.

He now has resorted to treating my son (his step child) very poorly. Before we were married, he and my son would do things together such as video games and taking bike rides. Now my husband doesn't speak to my child as a result of the following things: 1.) my son didn't leave the bathroom door open all the way when he exited. 2.) my son tried to take the dog out of the house to urinate and the dog had an accident in our new home.

I have talked to my husband over and over about the impact of his silent treatment on my child and how he was overreacting to simple problems and accidents. I explained how his behavior was damaging to my child or any child. He doesn't get it... I have tried several methods of explaining and nothing is working. My son doesn't want to come out of his room anymore, and well, this is where I am lost as to what to do.

I am in therapy, as well as my husband (not together). I have had to go to a therapist because I am depressed, angry and anxious from his behavior. I feel as though I have to choose between my son and my husband. And we all know what a good mother would do...

Therapy has just started for the two of us, so time will tell if the tools we are both given to cope will work.

I suppose everything just freaked me out today knowing that I need antidepressants to live with my husband. Not to mention the fact that I am worried about my child.

I am a great communicator and can't think of any other way to reach out and have everybody get along. This frustrates me to no end...
I have finally met a problem that I cannot fix. I feel hopeless, helpless and confused. Oh yeah, and so lonely I could scream.

I love my husband. But I don't like the way he treats my child or myself.
I am at the end of my rope.

Just married, no sex, and I never know who I am coming home to everyday that I get off of work.

He has asperger's and I am the one that needs meds?

kat252 kat252
14 Responses Oct 5, 2010

While I totally understand the frustration many Nts find with as, please don't write us aspies off. If your aspie does not want to change, then sadly there is probably no hope for your marriage. And yes many aspies see the world in their eyes only and think there is nothing wrong with them. <br />
However many aspies do want to change to improve themselves, and that is me. I want to learn strategies to be more in touch with my emotions, to show empathy, to be less controlling. Yes I need to do this as a matter of importance. I really want to save my marriage also but that will take time.

I don't know what I've been living with the past 12 years but it sounds similar to the above stories. I have gone through believing him to be a narcissist, sociopath and sometimes psychopath because of his cruelty. He has the ability to coldly ignore people for days as if they did not exist. When he is angry or uncomfortable he stares at me and/or my daughter with ice-cold contempt. He is extremely cold and cruel to any visitors he does not want and particularly my daughter's friends. With our son, he is quite different. He has separated our home and family with me and my daughter on the one side and him and our son on the other. He throws away things that belong to me and my daughter (his step-daughter) and then denies he's done it and actually goes through the motions as if he were helping us look for the missing items. When pressed about whether or not he did indeed throw the items away, he explodes . . . stating "See, this is exactly why I didn't tell you in the first place . . ." Whatever that means?? We separated once when he became unglued about the pillows not being on the bed right. He began "head-butting" me and "chesting" me begging me to hit him. When I finally couldn't take it anymore and was scared out of my wits by his behavior, I gave him exactly what he asked for - I slapped him in the face and ran to my room and locked the door. He then called the police and they took me away, even though he was the one who was drunk and instigated the fight. After being separated for 2 years, things got better so we moved back in together, and 5 years later we are in the same position. This time we got in an argument and he kept giving me the most absurd answers for his behaviors, so I played the broken record and kept asking him over and over again why? why? why?. He cowered in a corner and started mumbling nonsense, then he stormed out of the house. I was so afraid so I didn't let him back in. I told him I would bring what he needed to our next counseling session, which was only 2 days away. He kept insisting, I was getting even more afraid he would make a scene so I kept saying "no." The next morning he shows up with the police . . . again involving the police in a silly argument. That was it for me. I have not allowed him back in the home and have not allowed him near me unless it is in a public place. I am so afraid he will exaggerate and make up stuff in order to get me in trouble with the authorities. I am not a violent person, in fact I do not even spank my children, I use the 1-2-3 method (which he thinks is stupid). He has lied about me to authorities as well as others who do not know me, he has made our home an unwelcome environment for friends and family. My daughter is now 17 and absolutely hates him. My son loves his father, but knows that there is something wrong with him. Our friends like him, but cannot explain why he is so mean to my daughter or why he does the things he does to me. I have been pushed to the brink of insanity, I have all kinds of unexplained aches, pains, skin blemishes, and fatigue. He keeps saying he loves me and wants to get back together. The mixed messages he sends are beyond belief. He acts as if he hates me and wants me dead but he says he loves me and wants a future with me. He even wants to stay married and take care of me financially for the rest of my life while we live in separate homes. I do not understand any of this and it is tearing me apart. I have horrible panic attacks and am still suffering PTS from the incident he caused 7 years ago. He has not been diagnosed and is reluctant to undergo a psychological examination because he is afraid he will lose his job. There are so many more odd things he does, most of them are what I consider mean and a lot of them are just plain socially retarded. My parents are in fear of my safety due to the things he has done to me and my daughter. My parents also knew him very well for 10 years before we were married, my father was his "best friend" according to my husband. After the birth of our son, my husband just stopped being friends with them, it was really weird. He did the same thing with my daughter, it was like one day he woke up and decided to pretend like she didn't exist. He did the same thing to me recently and about 7 years ago before he "set me up" - that's what we believe he did. If he does not want something to exist he just makes it disappears in his mind or disappear physically. Does any of this sound like Aspergers?

God help us all! Wish I could move out but can't because of financial issues. Loneliness is killing me along with the daily stress. I'm never right and can't imagine spending the rest of my life this way. 24 years of marriage and can't believe I'm living this way!

I so understand when you say rinse, repeat. I have been deciding whether or not to leave for 3 years. It is so hard to do, on one hand you are so stressed out and need to get out, the other (if you are anything like me) you feel so broken and beat down! Trying to figure out how is another obstacle! We all deserve to be happy as we get to live this life ONCE.

Life is hard living with an Aspie and even harder when kids are involved. I can tell thousands of stories just like the door situation after 18 years of living with one. I see the same cycle as banables. Have difficult weeks then a good one here and there. Things took a turn for the worst last year when my daughter became a teenager. I was dealing with my husband and on top of it teen problems. Some problems mixed together. I ended up going to the hospital 3 times in one week. I was stressed. I have a hiatal hernia, gerd, and probably an ulcer. Had to have a polyp removed and became really depresses. After things got better with my teen daughter, I improved but I still get sick from time to time depending on my level of stress. He is the source of most of the stress although he tells me I shouldnt stress myself so much. So far I have stuck around but am coming to the realization that there is no hope and things won't change. I am tired. So for the time being I will cope and try to deal with each situation. I hope things are still progressing for you.

These posts remind me of me and my situation. The fact that he gave your son the silent treatment because the bathroom door wasn't closed correctly really resonated. IT's this crazy making stuff that really does the damage. And then your next post where you saw hope...wanted hope. I have been in this cycle for 14+ years. A bad day/week followed by a passable, almost good week and I'll think "everything is okay"...this will work out. And then, BAM!, he is at is again with angry outbursts about illogical things and I go crazy yet again....and then there is laughter and it's all good. Rinse, repeat, rinse repeat. Same cycle over and over and I have just decided that I can't subject myself or my two children to it anymore. The rationale that "you wouldn't leave someone with cancer" doesn't float with me. The person who has cancer may not be a verbally abusive person...may be loving and empathetic. You cannot compare the two. I am sorry that he has this, but I have bent long enough and I too deserve a life of happiness and light and levity. I get a pit in my stomach when he walks through the door because I never know what I am going to get out of him....happy or pissed off and I am done with it all. Finally.

@HappierTimes, I had to smile when you mentioned "the eyes of Hanibal Lector" because one of my friends remarked that my Aspie partner "had the personality of a serial killer"...<br />
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I find myself agreeing with the majority of posters because I think there comes a point where you realise that if they didn't have Asperger's, this behaviour would be considered abusive. When there is a child involved, this is especially the case and I can only imagine how difficult it must be.

@kat252....I URGE YOU TO GO NOW.....Your situation was identical to mine and after 5 years trying resolve the problems in our on/off relationship I was left feeling totally withdrawn, mentally exhausted and somewhat depressed!....I tried everything possible, and even had him referred to a clinical phychologist, in the vain hope that he could be "fixed", but the problems remained!....My daughter, who is now 13 years old, recently remarked that his eyes reminded her of Hanibal Lector, and this his "black looks" used to scare the hell out of her!!....As a mother, I was appalled to learn this, and thanked god I had the inner strength to get out when I did....Yes, they can be utterly charming and make you feel very special, BUT, with hindsight, its only when it is on their terms and without upsetting their status quo!!....I do sympathise with their plight, and I do know it causes them pain and suffering....However, I came to the conclusion that no-one is worth the damage they unwittingly inflict on you...I URGE YOU TO GET OUT NOW BEFORE YOU LOSE YOU MIND!!!

Aspies don't have horrible looks. Are you sure your ex didn't have an ED?

Yes they do. my husbands eyes are dead and soul less most of the time. it is horrible.

I have been hanging out and reading everything others have posted. All of your stories have helped me a lot. I appreciate all of you. <br />
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I think that I am more in-tune with what mlr3475080 posted at this time. After all is said and done, I love my husband. I love my child as well, more than anything. But I have come to discover that both of us educating ourselves on Aspergers and learning how to communicate (and not take everything so personal) is helping us a lot better now than when I first posted. <br />
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My husband is really trying. I have to remind myself that it's just as hard for him as it probably is to me to adjust his lifestyle and the way he sees us and the world. <br />
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I think it's worthy to note that I never took the medication. I needed to deal with this from an unclouded mind and perspective. <br />
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There are no easy answers or solutions for any of this and I have to understand that there may never be much at all in terms of a solution. <br />
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I suppose I have started looking at it in a different light. How would I feel if my husband left me if I had diabetes or heart disease? For him to leave me, would be very shallow. So, for me to give up on him because he has this flaw is not fair to him as well. <br />
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My husband, for the most part, makes me happy. <br />
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I was very angry when I wrote that post, but I do not regret writing it. <br />
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You see, as I have explained before, I knew he was different before we married. Part of the reason I loved him was because he was different. My main concern at this time is my child. <br />
We are going to get through this as a family (along with help from a therapist). <br />
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If it doesn't work, well I know that I have tried with all that I have.... <br />
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He deserves my love and patience. <br />
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What a confusing world Aspies live in. I know that I can't change him, but with the right tools, maybe I can make him less afraid. Maybe with more structure he will begin to open up to my son more (I have already seen some progress). <br />
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Just maybe....

My husband is aspie so I can relate to your frustration. They get VERY angry in a linear fashion when they've been slighted, due to the no -empathy aspect. I can only imagine how hurt you were when he ignored your child.

I deeply love my husband, too. I'm glad y'all are in therapy together. Appreciating his different quirky mannerisms is part of loving aspies. You don't always have to make excuses in social settings. Many people deal with aspies these days.

To whoever called them "retards"... You have no business on this thread because you definitely don't value people.

ok, I have Aspergers and please dont listen to the others that posted on here!<br />
Granted I am female and all aspies are different, but heres the thing....he has a very structured way of doing things, and this isnt because hes anal retentive, its because it PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY causes pain. The fact that hes in a relationship with someone with children is something I gaurantee overwhelmes him. He needs to learn and incorporate a new strucutred routine. This wont be easy and it will take some time. I wish I could put into words how explosive it is (to us) to have someone else in your life....its life altering- literally. My advice is to just be patient. The reason he got long so well with your son before is because he wasnt a fixture in his every day life. Therfore, easier to handle. Believe me, he feels bad. Just because he "seems" uncaring doesnt mean he is! I bet he feels terrible but stressed all at the same time. Aspies need ALOT of down time- alone time. We need time to be able to do our specific things and have our own space. Give him his space. Maybe try incorporating a schedule of when you designate a certain amount of time, and activity with your son.. you will need to give him time to adjust to his new "routine". If you explain Aspergers to your son and tell him its not personal and help him understand, he may feel better about it. Try approaching your husband like a child.. because in essence, thats what we are- emotionally. Tell him your hurt and your sons hurt and you dont know what to do and you need his help. "Hunny we need your help"...were trying our best to give you what you need but it seems were failing... (your son) feels really bad and he thinks its his literal but caring. Dont read his body language or facial ex<x>pressions because you'll interpret them wrong (they'll be presented wrong)....<br />
Appraoch him like a child. Simple and literal approach... but remember, we love and generally feel more than everyone else so I can gaurantee you hes feeling bad....

OMG. I agree with the others. GO NOW. Don't delay. Your child is the most important person here. Don't look back. <br />
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I have been married to my AS husband for 17 years and we've been together for over 20 years. I am so trapped, anxious, frustrated, self-loathing - all the things you'd expect from a lifetime of endurance. I am so unhappy and so damaged, it is hard to put into words. It is almost impossible to leave (children, committments, money), but I am finding the strength to do it and know in my heart that one day I will be free.<br />
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Getting involved with my husband was the biggest mistake of my life. If I knew then what I know now, I would have walked. Go now, while you have the strength. It'll be the best thing you ever did.<br />
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Good luck

hi kat252<br />
i absolutely agree with mtnt - GET OUT NOW, if not for yourself, for your child, while you can still make a sane decision, while you still have your physical health, before he does more damage to you and your child. I have been married 11 months to a man I thought was loving, gentle and kind who has recently been diagnosed with AS, in less than a year he has wrecked me emotionally, mentally and physically, dealing with the stress, loveless, sexless marriage and psychological abuse and done irreparable damage to my teenage daughter. We separated after 7 months, I have recenlty ended the marriage as he wouldn't make a decision about whether to return or go, it turned out he wanted to string me along in order to store stuff at my house while telling mutual friends we wouldn't be getting back together. I have always been a healthy, independant, strong woman, hardly went to the doctor, but after three months of marriage developed an anxiety disorder and recently a skin condition called neurodermatitis which results from acute emotional distress and in the last month have had a couple of trips to the hospital with heart attack symptoms, warnings so far. Don't stay and try to save him from himself, you can't, no-one can, and he doesn't want to be. Get out now before any 'survivor guilt' starts to overtake your instinct to protect you and your child. RUN, don't walk. I wish I'd have listened and done that when I was told to earlier in the 'marriage'.

kat252, I really hate to say this but get out. Get your kid and move out. It is not worth it. A basic tenet of love is empathy and a person with asperger's is retarded in that way. I think your husband is probably cute but it's not just a disservice to you it is to him. He probably struggles to cope to pretend to keep up with the two of you... I wouldn't say this if I didn't have a smilar experience...mine is with a woman however (I'm a lesbian) - and I am still recovering - and I only had 8 months with the woman. It's great to relate to someone on such an honest level - but I'm beginning to think honesty is overrated. Pretend I'm cute.. It is pure anguish not to have sex with someone you love...these socially retarded folks do not get into it. They really can't connect. I wouldn't take it so personally - if she didn't practically have an ****** over something her cat I know the feelings are in there...just not for me. I want to inspire you to leave and find love you can understand. If you're anything like me - which I think you probably are - you think you owe it to the person to be the understanding one...but c'mon. Life is short. If Einstein was an Aspie - big f'n deal. E may equal mc squarted but life without soft kisses aint worth it if you ask me. <br />
Can you think of moving on? I know it's hard because Aspies are loyal aren't they? Well - until one day they simply tell you without any emotion, "I don't know what love is". Leave them to their yo you collections and eye contact aversion... Will we really understand the passion expressed when a routine is mowing a stupid lawn - as opposed to the reaction to hurting someone's feelings with a cruel albeit true comment. <br />
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If you live in Ohio you and you kid can come and stay with me. Find a man who can love. Leave him to his love...solitude.

I understand. I'm also on meds, and my husband has Asperger's. It's tough, I wish I could say more, but I'm still figuring it out myself.