Married 14 Years.

I have been Married 14 years to a man that was just diagnosed 4 years ago, when my daughter was diagnosed.
It sure explained alot of his behaviors. We were on the verge of Divorce when we found out our daughter had Aspergers.
We traced to my husband who was then diagnosed also.
He also has anger management issues related to his frustration through life of not being able to feel like he was understood.
I also have a bipolar daughter.
All three see a Therapist for several medications they are on to help with mood, anger, anxiety and depression.
I was on antidepressants for 8 years to help me live with my husband.
When we met I had 3 young children, he was so great with them.
We have two children together, one is my daughter with Aspergers.
I am so frustrated. We have read so much material on this.
Viewed videos. My husband wanted to get help so we could stay together.
I know he means well and loves us all so much.
He is so hard to live with.
I was looking for a group like this to help me with some ideas of how to deal with him.
How to communicate with him. And also for some support from spouses who are going through the same things.
Everyday is a battle. I am always wrong.
I love my husband, but I am starting to hate him at the same time.
I want to get the love back that I felt for him when we first met.
So any help is so much appreciated.

ronda1986 ronda1986
41-45, F
7 Responses Jan 2, 2011

You sound massively screwed up.

And you sound like a bully.
Buzz off.....

Hi all, I have been married to a woman with Aspergers for 12 years. It's only been the last 1-1/2 years that we have known this. It has been the coldest and most difficult time in my life dealing with someone who is apparently from a world that is very hard to comprehend for me. She is great in lots of ways but horrible in many other.
I have lived a very lonely,isolated life and have now finally hit the wall on what I now look at as an emotionally abusive marriage that has been has been severely lacking in passion and intimacy. Can't say that I will miss much about the relationship other than she kept the house very clean (OCD) but that's about it. I am in the process of getting divorced and looking forward to reconnecting with family and friends.

Asperger people are very hard to deal with and during most of the relationship I thought that I was mainly to blame for the difficulties but now know that we just couldn't communicate properly. When we discovered my wife had Aspergers it was really amazing how the description I read was describing my wife and all the unusual things that she would do.
In our marriage she was the "man" as pathetic as that sounds she just would wear you down until she got what she wanted. No More!! I'm done. No amount of therapy or Asperger education will ever bring me any closer than I am now to my wife. She has stated that now that she has accepted the fact that she has Aspergers she will no longer try to fit into "normal society" she is now flying the Asperger pride flag and I will have to make adjustments to the new normal because she isn't about to change. She has in fact become more difficult and distant and not willing to be moderate.

Any way, she won't or can't change but I can and will. Goodbye Aspergers, hello life.

Battered,bruised but still living.

Get out as soon as you can. She sounds like total torture. Gas her.

Anyone have any tips on how to get physical intImacy back with aspergers husband? It<br />
Is gone gone gone.

Yeah, good luck with that and if you find the secret, tell me..... There are lots of online resources and books that talk about the intimacy issue, but I can't really find too many solutions besides just plain old asking for it (which has never worked for me and has actually resulted in some emotional abuse).... I have had some very good chats with my ASH and he agrees that we ought to be together more often, but it has not resulted in any action at all... This emotional/physical connection one of the things I miss the most about a normal marriage. I wish I knew what to do

Talk in an open way

Well i have talked in an open way. I have worn my heart on my sleeve. I have pleaded, i have shouted, i have cried, i have left myself so emotionally drained i thought i was going to die. His answer is always that he will put it right. The same old answers and nothing is done.

A week ago i got so annoyed I was shouting at him, something happened to me. I realised I was bullying him and he didnt have it to come back to me. So I am not going to ask again. If I want an active sex life I now have accepted its going to have to be outside the marriage. So so very sad

I have been with my husband for 24 years (married for 19) and he was very recently diagnosed with AS. The diagnosis came about following a really awful crisis in our marriage. His behaviour last year became unbearable, I could do nothing right & he became aggressive & very distant telling me he wanted to leave & didn't love me anymore etc... The crunch came last August when I found a text message on his phone which proved he was having an affair! Desperate to save our marriage, he agreed to see our doctor & was then referred on to see an autism specialist. A number of weeks after my discovery of his affair, I decided to give him another chance. This is not the first time I have forgiven his abusive behaviour, he's also had issues with excessive drinking etc.. <br />
<br />
8 months down the line I feel completely drained & depressed and am constantly dwelling on whether I should stay in the marriage or leave. We have 2 teenage children who are aware of their fathers diagnosis & also what he did last year. I feel so terribly alone & am so confused that I sometimes feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown.<br />
<br />
I don't know what to do........

I think you should leave. An affair and Aspergers together is too much. Kids are old enough, don't need so much anymore. You could be nice about it, but I think you should preserve yourself.javascript:void(0);

My experience after 30 years married to an Aspie man is that they DON"T change. Why should they, when they know that stubbornness gives them the upper hand. They get their way and everyone else bends in the end. For Aspies it's a matter of self-preservation -- fairness doesn't enter into it. Your difficulties in dealing with this are totally normal. Time is an enemy, though. The longer the daily battle goes on, the more it will wear you down. I've lost my health in the Asperger wars and it's too late to get it back. Take special care of yourself, and look for fulfillment beyond your relationship.

We have been going to a class that is offered through our school district. While we attend a class our daughter attends a Social Group at the same time. I am amazed at how different my daughter is compared to my husband. I think because she is female she doesnt have as many of the anti social behaviors like my husband. But she is learning and doing pretty good. My husband is learning about his AS and is tending to use it as a crutch now. Oh you should know why I do this and you should know I need to do that. Is what he says. It is frustrating because he wants me to bend for him. When he needs to learn and bend for me also. It just doesnt seem fair. I am very upset by his attitude about it. And how it is okay for him to just take off for a weekend because he has AS and it is normal for him to want to be alone. Instead of trying to do things with the family, or staying home and helping with house repairs and stuff like that. I'm so frustrated right now. How do I approach him on this, without it making him real angry?

I'm not really sure that I can offer you much of any use. But I do understand your frustration. I've had marital issues from day one with my husband. My son has been dianosed as autistic (not AS, he's a non-speaker), which we linked to my side of the family - my brother has AS and we suspect my dad did too.... talking to a friend on here with AS, I realised some of my husband's 'weird' and 'selfish' ways are caused by... you guessed it, AS. Then I started reading about adult AS, because I thought I must have it too, why are there so many people with AS in my life? and I realised my mother has it also....<br />
<br />
I was REALLY down for a while. <br />
<br />
But things are feeling a bit better. Let me tell you some things I've realised, and maybe you can find some in your husband: My husband is an amazing dad, especially when he's learned a new skill in parenting with or without my help. He's a little slow to pick up unsaid things, but if I explain things that I see, and thoughtfully listen to his logic applied to it, we come to some useful conclusions (as in use each of our strengths); if I feel like he's dismissing how I feel, I say so, and it's rarely what he meant to do... and something else... I have found that the more people I meet, the more I realise I am where I should be. Something drew us together and it feels right. Sometimes it actually is about go out there and take a look... is there anyone else you'd rather be with? For me the answer is actually no.<br />
<br />
I know what you are going through is really rough. You have so much to deal with that it's not funny. Something I've found VERY useful is working on the family's general health.. it probably wont fix anything, but it does slowly pick the general mood up rather than deminish it if you're all eating lots of live healthy foods instead of fatty sugary stuff. Grab a friend to talk to. Men in general are not typically the best to talk to about things when you're down. And at the end of it all, take a great big HUG from me... you're doing a brilliant job. I hope you find your spark again. And regardless of it all, your impact on the lives of those you're closest too will last on a very long time. ~EH xo