Diagnosis Or Not?

Did your spouses get the diagnoses of aspergers?
I sometimes feel terrible that I think my husband has aspergers. That I want to label him like that. It's just that....I need someplace to put all the things that I do not understand about him. Like for example
-he answers very often my questions with just hm, or with only one word.
-he very rarely initiatives anything (wether its housework, activities with the kids, something just the two of us could do, meeting with friends)
-one night our son was sick with fever, my husband got mad at him because he (our four year old son!) just (quote:) "used circular argument" when he was trying to tell him he wanted his mama.. (Like, I want mama! Why? Because I want mama)
-he has great difficulties with changing seats around the dinner table, we should all sit where we use to
-he does not care abot his appearance, or his hygiene, even though I've asked him respectfully, but straight forward, if he can shower more than once a week
-he never asks about my life, and doesn't seem interested if I tell him
-he rarely laughs, I've often asked him when he is really happy, how I will tell. But he doesn't know.
-it's hard to tell if he is sad, angry, dissappointed, stressed or just thoughtful. I can't tell by the way he looks. And when I ask, he has a hard time answering. Most of the times he says he's just OK.
-and if I ask how his day was, or his meeting, or his weekend, I get the same answer : OK. End of story.
-he has very few friends. And he rarely initiative any contact with them.
-he has low self esteem, and I've often wondered if he is depressed
- he doesn't see the point in giving gifts. And if he gives me anything, it has often been somethings I didn't wish for. Of course, I don't tell him that, I'm still happy to actually get a gift(!) even though I can tell it's just because he feels he has to give me something.
-when we are visiting someone, he doesn't seem to know the social codes...he rarely says thanks for dinner, wants to help...those little things thats so natural/normal, but means so much
-when I lived with my parents for two months, because of his behavior (specially his anger), he thinks of that as one more thing I've done to him. And he needs a long time before trusting me again, he says.
-he is totally loyal, and is very clear: He loves me and doesn't want a divorce. And if I can't believe that, I'm calling him a lier, he says. I do believe he loves me, in his own way.
-he is with me in therapy. We are not in it together, because I'm the one with a problem, he says. (At least he is there :-))
-I've wondered for years why he almost never looks me straight in the eyes, he seems to look at something else in my face, or behind me
-he loves sex, but get really grumpy if I don't
-I've often felt like he is an extra child, or at least a teenager
-he just can't tell me what it is that he loves about me. After nearly eight years.
-he has a really hard time saying he's sorry for anything. If he accidently hurts our kid while moving him away from a situation, and the boy starts to cry, I'm the one that has to tell him I'm sure his father didn't mean to hurt him.
- he has his interests that he loves. He sits with his computer all day, if he can. (well, I haven't been any better, since I found this forum...LOL)
-He can talk and talk about his interests, even though it's obvious to me that people are trying to get away.

I'm sure I could go on. I feel kind of bad writing all this about my husband. But I need to know I'm not insane ...to think it might be aspergers.
rose80 rose80
8 Responses May 13, 2011

Hi Rose80, I think a diagnosis is important, not just for him, but for you and your therapist. Someone who specializes in AS is the best idea because there are so many variables, including possible comorbid conditons such as depression or ADD etc.<br />
I only feel this way because my husband and I have been going through this whole process these last couple of months, after many years of struggle and therapy etc. After finding out about AS I was almost 100% sure he had the condition. We have been moving forward to get a diagnosis with someone who specializes in AD. Our current therapist who we've been seeing for over a year agress that it seems that my husband has AS. Even though our therapist diagnosed him with depression and ADD he feels it's important to let an expert in AS sort out all the complexities of my husbands condition. Things are getting better since we have both excepted that he has AS and have been (well, I have) been doing a lot of research and sharing with him about it. It is helping us both to understand so many of the problems we have struggled and struggled and struggled with over our 24 years of marriage. I really feel like all the years of therapy, all the money we've spent etc. has been kind of a waste because knowing about AS is fundamental in how a therapist will help a person and a couple where one partner does not have AS. Although, therapy has helped me to set better boundries for myself and realize that I could not solve all our problems by myself.<br />
I will say this again and again, I wish we could find a way to have a chance to all get together and offer eachother ongoing, more personal support. If anyone has any ideas please let me know.<br />
I do believe things can get better once we (meaning all of us married to those with AS) can really get a grip on what we are dealing with and adjust our expectations of what we can realistically expect of our spouses. <br />
Thank God for this forum!<br />

I've been there . . .am there with you. Don't feel bad. It helps to put it down in words. You don't want to label but need to tell someone so you don't feel like you are crazy . . . since you are the weird one over-reacting and your husband prob. says he is happy and there are no problems in the marriage. At least that is what I get. :) No diagnosis, but you know there is something there. It helps to vent and talk about it. I understand.

You are not alone. It is a lonely world for those of us married to AS husbands. Mine is a genius, well-educated, professionally and financially successful and generous. He never initiates a conversation or wants to go somewhere with me. Never helps around the house. Sleeps late, is on the computer all day and after dinner watches what he wants on the television, then reads in bed untl midnight. I am exhausted by this behavior. He can tell you the theory of how things should work and be done, but never executes the action. He does not have friends, he has colleagues who are probably suffering from AS, too.<br />
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We have been married for 28 years. When we married, he was a 41-year-old bachelor. No one knew about Aspergers at that time. I long for a companion who will talk and listen to me, make chit-chat and make me feel valued., someone who will participate in activities with me and share household chores. I have even prayed to God for this during long, solitary walks with tears running down my face. <br />
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I do understand what each of you is going through and wish we could get together for a long walk and chat.

I've just joined here. We are in the process of getting my Husband diagnosed. Though outward appearances he seems perfectly normal, holds down a good job, great personal hygiene I am at the end of my tether with his behaviour. He ignores me most of them time when we are at home, he never wants to do anything with me or just us as he sees that as a waste of money and his time when he could be on his computer. He now has tantrums when I watch something on the telly while he is on his computer and for some reason the sky+ sends him over the edge. He is never violent just either totally ignores me or can be very cruel and nasty with what he says to me. I feel so alone, I dread social occasions as you never know how he will be. I feel as though I am walking on eggshells all the time and can't relax in my own home. I sometimes wonder what is the point, I'm sure he would be happier if I wasn't here.<br />
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Sorry for the rambling post but it has been a difficult week, we came back from holiday abroad, he was a nightmare during the two week run up to it and he is being a nightmare now we are back.

Certainly sounds like textbook Aspergers. A psychologist would advise you to get him formally assessed as only with the proper assessment can he get the help that is out there to allow him to live a happier life. Aspergers frequently suffer from anxiety and deep depression. They often don't know what they are feeling as they can be out of touch with their emotions, unable to label them and therefore unable to talk about them. Getting him help can be of so much benefit to you as all improvements to his wellbeing will have a flow on effect to you and your young child. I've been married to an asperger for nearly thirty years and know just how hard it can be so get all the help and support that you can. He means it when he says he loves you. Some of them can't even say that!!! I'm lucky as mine is expressive with his love but like all asperger persons he can't give much in the way of emotional support as he wont even notice the need most of the time. You're in a tough situation so get professional help/a diagnosis and take it from there. It's tough..but with help it can be rewarding too.<br />
Good Luck.

TEXTBOOK Austism. My hubby and one of my stepsons are aspie. And hubby is VERY difficult sometimes, but not like what you are describing. I just have to focus on the wonderful sometimes to make it through a minute, then an hour, etc. <br />
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I'm a teacher and I've had many AU students over the years. Your hubby sounds a bit more on the spectrum that an aspie (which is very high functioning AU). <br />
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You must be so tired of dealing with him; like a child. Your details give me a good picture into your life. Lordee, I bet you're exhausted. <br />
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This forum is giving me an idea. I'm opening a wedding/events facility this fall in Texas. I think it would be great to get aspie wives together!! I just want to give everybody hugs.

I mean, I'm not sure it's that important with an actual diagnosis, but I would like to hear some of yours wiews:-)

I think a diagnosis which he would have to participate in is a huge benefit! You get to learn more as to how to handle his moods, he gets relief that he is okay the way he is but that he will need to learn more communication skills in order to not feel so bad, depressed, anxious etc. You both get to grow together. It doesn't have to change your life unless you want it to and if you do it opens avenues of help for both the family and the Aspie that aren't available without a diagnosis. As a wife you would definitely benefit from emotional support!