Pretty Sure My Husband Has Aspergers, Feel So Angry And Disappointed
Together for about 25 years now, he always seemed different (shy, social anxiety, trouble with change, weird outbursts at times, never able to make bond with my son), but somehow it kind of worked. For many years I felt happy with him. Then we had a child of our own. He started to get stranger, the outbursts increased and became very intense at times. A few times I was scared, once a neighbor called the police. They seemed to be about almost nothing, but they scared our daughter. We went to therapy and they recommended he go for individual counseling. It didn't seem to help too much, but I was busy raising kids and working. I tried to do my own thing and not provoke him. Then really stressful times came. A bizarre and very disruptive death in my family. He was emotionally unsupportive and I felt abandoned. Then he lost his lifetime job and told me he would never be able to get another. I could not understand, but it seemed like if I didn't tell him exactly what to do, he would do nothing. I really didn't want to hold his hand through his crisis, after he had abandoned me in mine. I got really angry. Then our daughter developed a sudden life-threatening disease. We came together, but it didn't last. As her illness dragged on and she developed extra emotional needs, I saw that he could not parent her when I was at work. So I stayed home with our daughter. A year later now, neither of us is working. I became angry that he can't seem to parent, and now he can't seem to work either. Anyway, as I spent time home with him, and as I saw how he acted during these various events, it hit me. One day I noticed how he likes to repeat sounds over and over. I am a nurse and it reminded me of autistic children. I went online, searched on Aspergers, and there he was! Now the problem is this. I guess before I saw our problems as fixable. Now I think he has a cognitive deficit. He is trainable to some extent, if he gets to the right therapist. (The one he goes to now thinks he doesn't have Aspergers. This therapist should try living with him for 20 years or maybe even for a week!) But now I feel hopeless, and I see him differently. I felt lonely for years, but now I feel even lonelier. I feel I can no longer kid myself that he is hearing me when I tell him my troubles. I often feel like I am talking to the wall. I can't leave because of our daughter needing both of us, and don't really think I want to. I still love him, but I just feel so sad. I guess it has helped us get along, to at least understand the problem. But now I know I will always be lonely when we are together, and I will never be understood or emotionally supported by him. It just sucks really to face this.