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I Didnt Know Love Could Be So Difficult....

I have been dating a man for 10 months now who I believe is an Aspie. After reading all the posts here Im almost certain of it.  Im not sure I can do this... Am I strong enough for two of us?
Symptoms hes has that were cute arent so cute anymore.  He is a great guy, comes across as incredibly intelligent initially, but after listening to im you begin to realize that hes using others opinions to speak about rather than his own.  We constantly disagree on politics because I want him to form his OWN opinions.  He has to shut the water heater off every morning because it MIGHT flood the house while we are gone.  He has to go around the block and check the door to make sure its locked before we can leave.  He wont open the curtians in the house because others MIGHT see his things and break in.  All the electric outlets have to be unplugged before we leave because there MIGHT be a fire.  All enough to drive me up a wall.
Im sorry if the next few things upset someone, but I have to get it off my chest.  He has become a lousy lover.  I used to think that longer lovemaking sessions were great, well now I realize that hes completely focused on his own pleasure, will often stop to get himself back in control even though its all over for me.  Then keep going for another 30 minutes...  Even if things happen suddenly we have to stop get a towel and put it underneath because we MIGHT get the sheets dirty.  He cant use a bathroom without completely taking his clothes off because he is so afraid of the germs on the toilet and doesnt want it to touch the things hes wearing. 
We just came back from our first vacation together and the first few days all we did was argue.  He wakes up at 5 am and instead of quietly slipping out of bed  he always has to try to talk to me in a louder than normal voice.  I am always asking him in public to be a little quieter.  He doesnt realize that hes saying things inappropriatly and loudly.  I do take a medication for the depression that Ive battled for years.  So his new thing when we disagree is to ask me if Ive taken my medication.  Then proceeds with telling me Im the one having a problem.  Its always me having a problem.  What about his problem... he refuses to talk about the fact that he has a disorder. 
The latest project that hes started is putting in a new door.  For 14 hours Saturday he kept trying to get the door in.  He always has to have things perfect...  He gets so focused on one aspect of a project that he forgets there are 13 other steps to complete as well.  He rarely can complete a project in a reasonable amount of time because he gets so focused on what has to be perfect. 

Ive suspected Aspergers since about 3 months in when I was taking a Psych class in college.  Ive tried reading everything I can get my hands on, learning whatever I can.  This is no doubt the man I love, but do I love him the right way to be able to deal with these issues? I should also mention that I am the only woman hes ever seriously dated.  Im his first lover.  Hes 43 now.  He doesnt have any friends, doesnt talk to his neighbors, rarely talks to his family (his mom dad and sister have all passed away) .  If I am tlaking about something he will turn the conversation right back to what he was talking about. 
He is smart, funny most of the time, tries to be loving, but it comes across as overload.  We shower together, we sleep together, if I am trying to cook hes in the kitchen with (and is always critical of the things I am doing)  Sometimes Ill be sitting next to him and he will turn my face to kiss him.  Ive gotten so I dont even bother.  100 times Ive explained to him that when he does that I feel like  I am being forced to kiss him.  As a victim of child molestation I dont like being forced to be affectionate. 
The last straw today was that he came home from work and said he was sorry.  When I asked what he was sorry for, he couldnt name a specific but said Monday when we argued. 

So how do you all make this work?  Does therapy really help?  How do I get him to accept there is a problem?

Sorry for being so long winded!

beckylarose beckylarose 31-35 2 Responses Nov 11, 2011

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Seeing a professional is a good idea, but they need to be specialized because aspie's have a hard time dealing with emotions and usually therapy requires expressing emotions. I'm not saying that they can't handle emotions, but I'm sure there are techniques that can be done that will be helpful for the both of you. I am currently in a relationship with an Aspie and believe me I understand what you're going through. I love him very much as well and feel conflicted by having so many mixed emotions. You're not alone. Keep in touch I would like to talk more.

I understand where you are coming from. I am in your shoes in more than one way. I am also a victim of sexual molestation. I have overcame my issues with that part of my life, but in the past I have dealt with depression. When I try talking to my husband he turns it to something he has done similarly. Ever single time. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. If you truly love this person I suggest talking with a professional, and finding out if you can handle the added issues your guy brings to the table. I wish you the best of luck. Please keep in touch. This is why I'm here. To be able to talk with other spouses who are having the same problems, and see how they dealt with the issues. <br />
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