Hope: 5 Stages Of Loss

I am going to start this by explaining that I am a nurse.  I am married to a man I believe has asperger's.  He is not diagnosed, but fits the description perfectly and every quiz he has taken (or I have taken for him) has confirmed my suspicions. Suddenly all the weirdness of my married life makes sense. AhHa moment. and then OH my dear LORD! Now What?!  I started this journey three years ago. I felt that there were lots of things going on that could be explained by aspergers . . .or I could just be married to an eccentric jerk that has beautiful moments?  I basically isolated myself, became depressed, and held all my feelings inside myself.  Who could I talk too who would listen or not think I was crazy?  I became angry at my husband holding things against him.  Like the time I told him that I had a miscarriage.  Lost our CHILD! His response," we could not afford a child". Then he did not talk to me for a week.  After that he never mentioned the situation.  I hated him for that, for the rude comments, for the stupid things he did.  I would yell horrible things just to see if I could find any emotion. I stopped the anger and would think . .. it must be my fault.  If only I had not said that . . . done that . . . If I could just teach him how to act . . .etc.  Finally I have come to accept that my husband is different and he won't change.  I'm ok with that.  Now, looking back I see how my marriage so far has been a mourning process.  The last three years I have been mourning a normal marriage.  In nursing school I learned Elsabeth Kubler-Ross's "The five stages of loss and grief."  Denial and Isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  It is funny how looking back on life expereinces can give you a different perspective based on the information you learn.  At first I was fearful of "a diagnosis" which meant change could not occur. Then I wanted and wished for a diagnosis so I would have validation and because otherwise I could not imagine living with this person anymore.  Now I don't care if he ever gets diagnosed.  I have really struggled, and still struggle; I know two things.  These things keep me going. 1.) my husband is a good person whom I chose to love 2.) Divorce is and will never be an option for me.
Every marriage is difficult and it does not matter who you married to or what diagnosis they may or may not have.  There are beautiful aspects of being married to a man with aspergers. 

1.) My husband says embarrassing things sometimes to people, but sometimes he tells people things they need to hear. Things I wish I could tell people. Sometimes I need to hear the truth and I should let it make me a better person. 
2.) My husband is so needy and clingy at times it is frustrating however, many of my friends are worried or have caught their husbands cheating on them.  I know my husband will NEVER cheat on me. I am pretty sure if we ever broke up he would still ask me for advice or live alone in a hole.  He needs me and well, I have to admit . . . I love being needed.
3.) My husband may be obsessive with his interests, but he is one of the smartest people I have ever met.
4.) He may act "strange" sometimes; but I love how he finds pleasure in simple things such as candles and hates sports because they are "pointless".
5.) Sometimes I might get annoyed, but I love that my husband is so honest.
6.) I may not always understand how my husband thinks, but he is way more interesting this way.
7.) my husband may not hug or kiss much,or understand why buying gifts is not stupid to ME; but I can't count the number of times he has done things because I wanted too even though he thought they were stupid.
8.) at times he acts like a child and I hate feeling like I have to be his mother, but if I join in on the child-like behaviors there is something very fun and freeing about the experience.

Love is making a choice to do things for another person even if it is difficult.  I am learning that while I get annoyed and frustrated by my husband I think things must be so much harder for him to do things I take for granted . . like have a conversation.  It makes me proud of him and love him for the fact that he is married and holds down a job.  In some way, he must love me so much more than I can know to fight every day to learn and try to act "normal" to make me happy. 

I understand marriage or dating or talking to someone with aspergers is hard, but there are too many people that have a depressing view that things can't be fixed or worked out.  So many people give advice like "BAIL NOW WHILE YOU CAN", it just gets harder  . .. . . I have stayed in this marriage too long . . . blah, blah. who  is the hurtful selfish one in the relationship?  I look at the fact that my husband can't change how he thinks of the world, but he STILL tries to make me happy when it does not make sense to him.  When he hurts my feelings by ACCIDENT, can't I at least forgive him? It really is not hard to make him happy. All I have to do is ask him about his interests, give him space, or find him a good smelling candle etc.

There is hope. I may not have handled it with grace so far . . but we have made it three years and I am looking forward to more.  We may not have a "normal" marriage, but I would not change my decision.  If you loved someone and got married and found out they had cancer would you leave them?  why with aspergers would you leave them?

There is hope is grace and love. Live out LOUD.  The more problems you have to overcome in your marriage, the better marriage it is, the more beautiful. There is beauty in greasy puddles if you look for the rainbow.
jends jends
63 Responses Jan 30, 2012

Thank you for this article. It saved my marriage today.

My fiancé has known he has aspergers since he was young, and I love him for it. I love the fact he needs me and clings to me like a child. His weirdness and his obsession with the topic of video games. He knows almost every tiny bit of lore and background info for the games he plays. He thinks he's useless because he doesn't hold information that strongly for other subjects, but I always encourage him that he's brilliant. We've loved each other strongly since the beginning, to the point where we both have OCD yet I still managed to teach him not to tuck his shirt in. Occasionally he forgets to not do that, and all it takes is me glancing at the hem and he pulls it out lol. It looks good and professional on some people, but it's not good on his build. He's so handsome, though. <3 He also has anxiety, and didn't really leave the house for eight years. But I got him out of the house regularly after 7 months, and without medication. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Note: He is 32

My partner doesn't understand grieving or the need for celebrations. He expects our lives to continue in one, long stream of beige, we aren't even allowed to go on holiday (we have a six year old son) because 'it's a waste of money'. My partner is a good man, I love him, but I do not love this life with him. I feel very very sad.
I am trying my best to keep this afloat, your article helped me count some good points. Thank you.

I am a 34 year old man with Asperger's. I was diagnosed last year. I have been with my wife for seven years, and she is the most wonderful thing in my life. She is very understanding and supportive, and I can honestly say that she is the only friend I have ever had. As good as our life together is now, it wasn't always this easy. At first she did not understand me, and I didn't understand her. We fought over trivial things, and looking back, it was mostly my fault. But love and relationships are a two-way street. I have adapted myself to try to understand her way of thinking, and she has adapted to me. Example: She has a large and close family that frequently gets together and has loud parties, and I dread these events. She always ensures that I have an "escape", even if it's only for a few minutes outside with just the two of us. At first I avoided these events, but with time I have made the effort to suck it up and go.

It's all about compromise, understanding, and communication, for both of us. I love her and she loves me, and we work at it every day. At no point did I say it was easy, nor will I ever. But if you love someone enough, it can be done. So those of you having issues in your relationships, talk to your partner, be prepared to compromise, be patient, and love your partner for who he/she is, good and bad.

How do you learn how to accept the anger and the abuse? I'm going on 5 years and I can accept almost anything from anyone, but how do you accept when your husband gets angry at you and calls you stupid or tells you to F*** Off? Where do you put that, and how do you finally purge it? Therapy? Yes, there are beautiful moments, yes, at heart, he is a truly good and lovely person. There is no mourning a marriage that I thought I would have, but how do you deal with the cruelty? Everything else I have a handle on, but I feel like I need a few more tools in my box to keep going.

A relationship can work but only if the person with Aspergers can accept that they have it and be willing to learn. I spent many years wondering what was wrong with ME but finally I managed to get my partner assessed and my suspicions were confirmed, he has Aspergers. However he is in complete denial and insists there is nothing wrong with him and it is everybody else who has a problem. I got very depressed but I have now reached the acceptance stage and am getting on with my life without involving him. I felt a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders once I had the diagnosis and I have stopped banging my head against a brick wall.

I realized after the sudden death of my grandmother, my shining star that all that I had been feeling for the past 22 years of marriage was not me being crazy and over reacting, it was the realization that my husband has Asbergers. it was the final straw he wasn't there for me. He didn't realize he was supposed to be there. not only am I dealing with the loss of my Gram I am now mourning the loss of a "normal" marriage. I'm lucky, he's not nearly as bad as some of the others. he was a strong sense of commitment. he's a good provider. Was a good father, more of an old-fashioned type. But has not friends of his own, doesn't need to talk about our days. No need for warmth. I have friends but they don't begin to fill in what I've lost in the past 3 momths

I am in exactly the same situation. Big hugs to you.

My husband and I have been harried 46 years this year. I am also an R.N. retired. For some strange reason, I always felt something was "off" but mostly blamed myself, and just tough times all people who are married go through. Now, we have moved to Florida, where we have met groups of neighborhood people who have gathered us and welcomed us into their lives. Often we are invited to their homes.
My husband has always had the motto..."some people are born to talk, others...listen" He considers himself the listener, and rarely can initiate conversation unless, I open a venue, or topic that interests him.
I have been searching the internet today, and came across this website, although I belonged already, but when the topic of Aspergers was here, it interested me, and know I know why. I believe this is his underlying problem, and today I am mad, because I am having a few days of difficulty relating to him, or with him. Now, I'm not sure whether to be sad, or glad I have a tentative answer.
My husband is a hugger, lover...not an issue with that....it is the other issues I have a problem dealing with. The lack of his being able to make friends. His being with me, only me, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I sure could use some space sometimes. His inability to remember dates, places directions...although he is on a seizure med which just compiles the problem.
His social awkwardness........
His lack of spontaneity.......we would do nothing if not for me taking the wheel, and making a plan.
His inability to make any decision. He says he makes bad decisions. Which leaves way too much responsibility for me....
I could go on for pages, but I just needed to vent a little today.

Almost a year after you posted this ... you have my compassion. I am in a similar situation in many ways, and the dependency on me only seems to get worse with age. I am beginning to think that husbands really do get the best deal: they get a wife, we only get a husband ; ). Let's hope the next genration of men will be different?

I am going through the stages of loss. We're going on close to four years of marriage. Last night I was crying as I headed home and heard God say "You have to love him the way he is."
Mine is especially difficult because for eight years before we married I was his special interest. He was obsessed with me in a delightful way. Having come out of an abusive marriage, I relished the adoration, constant affection, and expensive gifts. Once we got engaged all that cut off like a faucet. And he went from being my hero who could do anything to a clueless naive anxious little boy whose only pleasure was cell phone batteries. I thought it was nerves. But no. This is the real him. He's a clueless dad though I deeply admired his steadfast love for his children during our eight years of bliss. He traveled 10 hours to pick up his sons every time he had at least three days off. This was a marked improvement over my ex husband who lived three miles away and saw my daughter about three to four times a year.
This marriage is painful. I need words of affirmation and the loneliness, oblivious cruel words, and lack of emotion is unnerving. I pray a lot. A psychologist told me I have Cassandra syndrome. He attacked me verbally last night and the pain lingers. I'd love to chat sometime with another woman in my situation. Laughing is incredible medicine. If you're looking for someone who understands to laugh about the insanity of this crazy marriage contact me. We can help each other go through this journey.

Hi Tash,

I'm very sorry that you're in this situation. Your loneliness is so obvious in your writing. After I broke up with my fiance, I could use some support of women who understood. I found this help on this website:


It might help you as well, there are hundreds of women there who know what you're talking about. Please take care of yourself, since your husband doesn't. God bless you!

Thank you so much for replying. My husband is very worried about our marriage not making it. He recently started reading a devotional about how to make a marriage work. He also told my mother his concern that we might be heading towards divorce. The other night we shared what we like about each other and what needs work. This seems to be working nicely towards some very necessary changes in our marriage. I'll keep praying for all of us in this situation. It's tough, painful, difficult, but in all that maybe, just maybe it's worth the effort.

Well, I'm glad your husband is worried about your marriage, and not careless. He should be worried. You might want to hand him a book about Asperger's? There are so many, even books written by Asperger guys. I wish you God's comfort and love!

I'm so sorry for your suffering FogIsGone. These marriages are hard and painful. No two ways about it. Before I married my husband, I was a beautiful, young woman. A little over four years later, I have wrinkles and my hair is turning iron gray! We have a three year old, so I'm trying to make it work. We are in counseling and that helps, though he is beginning to resent the counselor. Maybe counseling could help you all. If you go that route, you must choose a highly trained autism counselor. Don't use a regular marriage counselor. They make things worse. I've learned a lot from mine. For example, I learned that my husband manages his social world with a rigid set of rules. Now I know why he gets so angry over the smallest things. I learned that noisy environments are unnerving for him, so if we need to be in one, he needs to be awarded with a few hours of alone time afterwards. I learned that we need to get away from him when he's melting down because that's when he's most cruel. If I remove myself and say nothing, he is always embarrassed and sorry afterwards. I also have to be a social seeing eye dog for him. I now will just say in the social moment, she's telling you a joke or he wants you to chat about sports or they are mad because they thought you were mean to our daughter. This gives him a chance to immediately respond in the appropriate way. Sounds nuts, but works. Again, I pray a lot. For me, this world is not all there is. There is eternity, so I view my present suffering in light of eternity, and that makes a huge difference. I am grateful Jesis is walking with me through this season in life. Only he can get into the crevices of my broken heart and bring healing, comfort, and even joy. I pray for you now that God will visit you in the midst of your despair and wrap his loving arms around you and let you know that he cares. He will love you like no man ever could. God bless you, keep you, show kindness to you.

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Thank you so much for these words. You can't know how much it changed in me. I have been on this same journey in my five years of marriage to a man with HFA/Aspergers.

Until I saw your words about mourning, I had no idea that's what I was experiencing. It's like the penny dropped and I realise how much grief I have been carrying around with me - and that I can just put it down!

I came here honestly looking for advice on how to go about breaking up a marriage to someone with Aspergers when you have two children together and, instead, I am leaving with the intention to work harder than ever at our relationship. I realise how blessed I am, and how blind I've been.

Thank you a thousand times for being the spark of something, an inspiration. I'm now determined to look forward and not back. :)

Wishing you and your husband many, many long years of happiness amid the challenges. xx

what happens if you are on medication to help you get back on track after loosing your identity due to living in an Aspie marriage? <br />
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I fear my husbands anger and empty promises to make efforts to change. <br />
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I though getting a diagnosis would help but somehow I cant let go of the fear and broken promises. <br />
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Does this make me selfish? <br />
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Unlike some of you on this forum My husbands personality change the moment we got married. <br />
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He had fixations with how we should get intimate ( demanding I dress a certain way) at first I joined in but soon I came to realise this was the only way he would get intimate. This made me feel as though i wasnt good enough. <br />
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Over the years i became ill after our first child (autoimmune illness) then server anaemia and anxiety. With all of this Ive had to deal with meltdown nearly everyday of our married life. our son wont go to unless I tell him to and now hes 4. <br />
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My husband can be softer natured if we are going to counselling or ive put pressure on to change but once I get relaxed hes behaviour returns.<br />
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We have been together 10 yrs (9 of which I had no idea about aspergers) .<br />
ive spent the majority of the time blaming myself for his behaviour. <br />
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This is my second marriage, what do I do now. I have nothing more to give. <br />
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Please help me!!!

I am in my fifties with the same time and circumstances as yourself. Debating divorce at this point and trying to make it on my own.

hello everyone this really worked and i am proud to testify also. i saw a post on how a lady got her husband back and i decided to try this prophet that helped her because my relationship was crashing. although i never believed in spiritual work i reluctantly tried him because i was desperate but to my greatest surprise this prophet helped me and my relationship is now perfect just as he promised my husband now treats me like a queen even when he had told me before he doesn't love me anymore. well, i can not say much but if you are passing through difficulties in your relationship try him here is his email prophet.briancarn@yahoo.com of a truth he really helps again his email his prophet.briancarn@yahoo.com

In July, I will have been married 27 years and my husband is so much like yours. However, he has lost 5 jobs in 6 years. I work full time and part-time and he keeps trying to get a job. We will probably lose house. My children feel the tention and see my sadness. I also made a vow, and he also has his sweet moments, but socilaizes without me because I get embarrassed by what he says to people and see how they react and just walk away from him. It is sad.

I have been married to a man with aspergers for 20 years this month. It is incredibly difficult and still worth it. I'm hanging in for the next 20 and still looking for solutions to some of the problems, but wouldn't change it and wouldn't go back.

My partner is a 46 year old undiagnosed male with aspergers,waiting to be diagnosed which 100% will come back that he is. we dont live together and he goes home and refuses to talk, meet text , answer the phone for days at a time only agreeing to meet if I beg or turn up where I know he will be, he doesn't buy me any presents or cards even thou I spoil him. He has major anger issues which scare me and he smokes weed which he says helps him greatly and I LOATHE. He makes me so happy the most ive ever been and at times the most miserable. He is working at the moment but it doesn't last. I try so hard to understand.

Can you tell me what and who you find to get a diagnosis

I'm struggling to learn to live with my husband. He makes very poor choices and "lies" to me. More a battle of logic, because he does not see it as being dishonest. He is working with a counselor. I feel extremely guilty because I do see how his mind works and I can follow how and why he does things, but in the end I'm being emotionally jerked around in a way that is unhealthy. Every marriage is difficult, but when do you stop being a door mat. Sigh...Thank you for your input. There is so much I do love about my husband, but he causes melodrama after melodrama and his hiding the truth (to protect me) has done some real damage. I feel sorry for him. I want so much to be close to him, but the frequency of the dishonesty and 7 year of marriage and still the same issues....I don't know....sigh.....he also makes commitment about things that are important (finances) then fails to follow through and does not tell me. I have to be honest, living with him is the most stressful part of my life.

Yeah, my husband lies about the stupidest things. He has gotten so bad about it that it is ridiculous. Ex. I say in the morning, please remember to brush the boy's teeth before you take them to daycare. I can see them in the bathroom. I can see that he is not helping our 2yr old brush his teeth, but he lies to me and said he did help him brush his teeth. All the toothbrushes are dry. Insulating, and infuriating. Why not just do it? Why lie right in front of my face? Do you care about your son's health, or just yourself. My dream is to get through grad school so I can get a good parttime job to support my three children by myself so I can be done with all this crap. If my husband was not so scary by being so financially manipulating I would be gone. I just want my children to be safe from his craziness. I can't imagine him getting to have them for the weekends by himself? He never wants to spend time with any of us, just his computer. I bet he would fight for them though because he thinks of us all as his objects.Uhg.

Does your husband have AS too? I'm sorry you are being treated that way. It's crazy-making isn't it?

I find that my husband is more delusional than a lier. I recently saw a study in which they found that asperger sufferers have a really high incidence of delusional behavior. I have been married to him for 27 years... I have come so close to losing my mind. Being married to an aspie can be a total mind ****.

I experience the same thing. May be better without him. The stress is adversely affecting my health.

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Married 20 years to an aspie we have two wonderful teenagers one is aspie as well! Love is shown in so many different ways! For the first few years i was in honeymoon phase. Then the next 10 the kids were babies and he was working and not available to help, emotionally i was a wreck. The past 5 years have been discovery! My son was diagnosed and it opened my eyes! Your absolutely right about trust! We are in this together and it may not look like what everyone else wants it to but its ours and its awesome! I do get lonely when especially hormonal but I've found comfort in other ways! My kids are great! My hubby and i spend tons of time together!

This was awesome. I'm so glad I read this. saving it to read whenever one of those "times" hit.

I'm relieved I stepped out a of relationship with a guy I am sure has Asperger's. There was no attention, not much affection, no comfort, no care, no warmth. It was al about him. After almost a year after the break up I still love him with all my heart, but the loneliness hurt too much. I do feel for him though... a lot.

I hope you moved on. Mine constantly threatened suicide and I felt responsible for him. The fact is they just want to be with their special interest. I'm happy for you that it ended. He will be fine as long add he has his special interest.

Thanks for this. My aspie husband just said something so hurtful to me before leaving for a business trip, leaving me so angry and upset. I've been stewing for hours and after reading this I feel better. It's not his fault.

I was in a six year relationship with the exact same guy....guess what happens in the end? He cheats on u for the thousandths time...and if u live in val verde ca. Honey....he already cheated on u when u first got togetherand he told me everything about u and what he did with u like besties...LEAVE HIM IT JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE

Hey, so I have Aspergers. I am a 17 year old female teenager, and I want to say thank you so much for your story. It has made me cry, but don't feel bad. They are happy/relieved tears. Since I have been diagnosed I have had a fear of how anyone I date would be affected by my being an Aspie, I have only had 2 boyfriends. Even though both so far accepted my quirks, one did not know how to understand my reasoning, for that. I broke up with my first boyfriend. Now dating someone else, he seems to understand, or at least like you try and pray and do his best to understand and accept and work through anything that disrupts our relationship. I know I am young and it most likely won't be forever, but his compassion and our conversations along with your story reassure me that there are people in the world who can handle or love and accept an Aspie.

I thank you for writing this story. It not only shows how much one can care for someone they love and work at the relationship and do what it takes, but also show how somethings I do can affect my loved ones. I never realized that some of my reactions may be the cause of an argument or upset them, I shall work on that as well to be sure to try to discuss it with them. My boyfriend and I now, have already promised, and so far are, to discuss and let each other know of anything that concerns us so we can strengthen our understanding of each other and what our relationship needs and what we need to try to work on.

Though my saying that people who can handle. . . its sad somewhat, that us Aspies can cause our loved ones such anguish,pain,and frustration unknowingly. We dislike hurting people we care about, even if we don't really show it how most people expect. Most likely your husband didn't talk to you for about a week after your miscarriage (so sorry :/ ) because he saw/recognized somehow that you were not acting like you normally do and since he did not know how to accept the change in your behavior, distanced hisself somewhat. I luckily can read some body language and expressions by working extremely hard and having therapy, but even when I can't and before I could, If there was a change in someone's normal behavior or routine I would notice, and then I would back away become distance so I could try to understand the cause of the change so I could make it go back to how it was before. Sure all Aspies, obviously, are not alike, but this is how I see it.

I am sorry for the length, but thank your again and I wish you the best in your marriage as well as the strength to continue everyday and I hope that your husband also can continue to work with you to raise your kids and nurture your mirage.

Thank you, it is never easy for either of us. Here are some things that have helped us, and I hope they help you. 1. Watch laugh your way to a better marriage seminar on youtube. We did the flagpage and it helped us to understand each other better. 2. we started the 40 bead method and it has dramatically changed our marriage, because sex was an issue for us. My husband does not know how to communicate or initiate. Hopefully this is not as big of an issue for you. 3. He chose a time each week 1 hour block of time to listen to my concerns. I just write down and remember things I have issues with and then he listens to my examples of how to make things better, instead of me getting frustrated and us having a onesided fight where he just slams a door in my face ect. He calls it our weekly emotional hour.

Thanks, I shall view the video, don't have much of an issue communicating, as much as us understanding each others ways of communicating. It is getting better, because I am tired of getting constantly frustrated so we now explain longer until we think we both understand. I have no clue about the 40 bead method, and not sure I want to know, but thank you for all your suggestions. I hope you two continue to improve in all aspects that are difficult/troublesome :)

Thanks, I think? But, yeah, I have been told that before. I have just gone through a lot already, even living basically by myself. I do have a roommate though :)

Thanks, you too!

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I can't believe how selfish you people are. People with aspergers have a disability. Would you leave your spouse or wish them dead if they had diabetes or heart surgery and you had to help them with medications or depression? I understand feeling frustrated, these feelings have pushed me to try harder. Marriage is sacrifice no matter what the issues are. After reading these comments I pity the poor aspies married to you! Your challenge is to learn his ways of communicating. Why does it only have to be your way. My husband might have aspergers and had a really difficult transition into fatherhood. I really had to be the boss and lay down the line. Ie, make your children your obsession instead of books Etc. But now he is an amazing father.every day is a challenge but there are rewards too. I am a more patient, better person and so is he. One thing that I found to help me was called laugh your way to a better marriage/doing a flag page and the bead method works well for us. These are very passive ways for him to communicate but still helps to meet our needs and create understanding. I joined this website to find others to create an encouraging envirnment so we don't have to be alone. I did not join to listen to this selfish angry pitiful nagging. If you need to leave your marriage, then leave but i doubt with your attitude you will find more happiness elsewhere.

I'm glad you experience is positive.

Where do I find this video? My husband is in total denial of the aspergers though he had tested positive and has powerful attributes. He is a great provider. He loves me and our children though he has no idea what that involves. I'm interested in the video if it doesn't focus on him being an aspie. He rejects anything that references it.

I can't remember a day when I didn't wish my Aspie husband would die.

that is harsh but its a reality of thinking with many partners of aspie men. its the truth! most wives think that way after being tourmented by their husbands who refuse to seek help to better cope with aspergers. Too many women think they are helping them by being silent punching bags and doing so much more work to figure them out be patient etc than an aspie. all an aspie does is just be... no filtering etc just the bullshit notion thats it... they cant help it they cant manage it... which instantly gives them a lazy hall pass to continue to disengage and becoming further isolated, unaware and alone. greatest injustice you can do for an aspie is to be there doormat! how else will they learn... amazingly if you gave aspies half the credit they deserve... they can actually adapt. its hard work for both you and them but they are capable of it. have faith.

Thank you for this. The only other thing that would come before this is that I have a child from a previous relationship. If this will put him a bad spot I must move on. This did help though, so thanks.

Your post is a little over a year old, and I hope that you have continued to find happiness and acceptance of the limitations of your marriage. Every marriage is of choice, but I do hope that you do not bring children into your marriage. Children require nurturing beyond your capacity to handle it on your own. As a NT spouse, there is only so much I can do to mitigate the effects of my husband's neurological limitations that prevent "normal" attachments. My children are suffering low self esteem and poor social relations because children cannot be expected to understand why their Dad is not responsive to their emotional needs beyond the idea that there must be something wrong with them. Even if he is willing to try to understand his own limitations, children need both parents to be healthy in order to thrive. Even my friend's children -- whose father is in end stage kidney failure -- have it better off than my own kids, because they are emotionally healthy and deeply bonded to their father. To bring a child into this world knowing that their ability to bond with their father WILL be compromised is cruel, and I never would have taken this path, for their sake, if I had known. I love my husband, and our relationship between us as adults would be as you describe.... Quirky, loyal, fun and so on. But his disability regarding nurturing, bonding and parenting is destroying our relationship. Keep it simple. NO KIDS.

kids with an AS is not reccomended.

I know a married couple, both of whom have AS, and they are wonderful parents. I worked as a part time nanny for them, and lived with them, so I saw everything. They were both extremely dedicated, attentive and nurturing to their children.
It depends on the individual...having AS, or not having AS doesn't determine whether somebody will be a good parent. It depends on the individual!

I love this response.

People with AS have their own personalities too, it's not just one set of behaviours, it's more like a set of difficulties in common. It makes me sad when there are so many of us who feel like we must change to suit our partners or that no one with AS can be a good partner. Some people are just not great partners irrespective of AS whilst others are awesome at family life and also have a set of behaviours congruent with AS. From whichever perspective, I'm so relieved that there's a chance to speak to other people about the things in common and work out for ourselves what we find acceptable and where people would benefit from extra love and support.

I know a married couple, both of whom have AS, and they are wonderful parents. I worked as a part time nanny for them, and lived with them, so I saw everything. They were both extremely dedicated, attentive and nurturing to their children.
It depends on the individual...having AS, or not having AS doesn't determine whether somebody will be a good parent. It depends on the individual!

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Oh Jends..... Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You know how you hear about people who give their testimony and change the life of another? Well... you have done that for me.
Don't EVER let anyone talk down the beauty that you see in your relationship. Tonight I was looking for hope for my marriage, and was only met with the most awful negativity on the internet. But you have given given me hope. You expressed what I see in my husband, at a time when I couldn't see it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

AS is not a mental illness so why don't you educate yourself before dishing out advice?

I don't understand why so many women are stating that they stay married to Asperger men because 'he's a good provider' but they don't get along at all and the wives almost hate the guys. I think it's wrong to stay married to someone just because 'They are providing' for you.. What the heck is that all about? That to me is called 'living a lie'. I could never sit there and act like I like somebody just because they are 'providing' for me. I'd rather be dead than play that game. However, I might be in the minority because I've read time and time again that so many women just marry these guys because they have good jobs and they can tolerate them. This must be the art of 'catching a husband'. It's not my cup of tea that's for sure.

One of the qualities I liked about my husband before we married was that he was a hard worker/good provider. these were just two of the qualities I loved about him and married him for many other reasons. I am the one that is the "true provider" financially in the marriage. I don't stay married because my husband is a good provider but because I love my husband and made a committment to stay married to him. I don't think people here hate their spouses or as you said, they would not stay with them. In fact, it is the very opposite. We love our spouses so much that we desire to fight and struggle with our own feelings and our spouses confusing behavior to assimilate a normalcy. By speaking with others. and venting our very real feelings we can get the validation we need to continue this struggle so we can be loving spouses. Hope this helps you understand. Also, many of the things we struggle with in marriage were not obvious issues when dating. Many wives did not realize what they were getting so to speak. That does not mean that we don't love them. In fact, I feel a deep love for my husband since we have struggled so much and continue to struggle. Each time I try to encounter who my husband is and see things we way he sees them I become less selfish and we grow closer together. I know in his own way he tries to meet my needs via very unconventional means. But what matters is that he is trying; and that is love. I just have to be able to see it.

usually women who have been burnt by NS men, will stay with AS men and forgoe the natural connection that usually happens with NS men n women. because it requires less headaches and effort to trust a AS man supposedly!! mind you there is no scientific fact to support this just charactristics noted in typical aspie behaviour. people that have AS may not be the same. Most women living with aspies do in some way - live a lie. they pretend his outburst isnt that bad or unexceptable...his excused for emotionally abusing their partner because they have AS
bullshit... its never acceptable somewhere along the way, through neglect and not enough studies done just yet... AS get told its unmanagable and somehow given a unspoken hall pass' TO PUSH BOUNDERIES and not learn to be aware of them, because its been put forward they have a micro chip missing when it comes to emotions...they get a hall pass! well explain how aspies can feel or get angry ( angers an emotion) empathy!!! no they cant see that because maybe just friggn maybe... no one has bothered to come up with an effective technique to help them with this. no one has faith in studies to do with AS cuz the stigma of it being on the other spectrum of autism.

Every person with Aspergers is not necessarily like the next person with Aspergers. Just like NT’s, they’re all different. You feel that your husband gives something back to you. That’s so important! But we have to respect that experiences of others might be drastically different. Some people out there are truly being abused and they’re SCARED. These people need encouragement to get OUT of the situation they are in. I know this to be true because I have been in that position.

a voice of reason, thank you.

Uh, wait til you've been married 30+ years. No sex. No intimacy of ANY kind. And his marriage is basically to the TV. lol...I don't enjoy being anyone's mother anymore, much less a 60 yr.old.

I am the guy with AS. After 40 years, you, the NT wife, may no longer be able to tolerate having sex with the guy who doesn't know how to respond to or initiate a romantic situation. Because, sex requires a lot more than plumbing. It has been ages since we have been on the same page regarding sex. As my wife says, "You don't give me any reason to want to sleep with you."
She spends four or five evenings a week at activities and with friends. She is getting what she needs outside of the marriage. Sometimes she says that she will be here or there with this friend or that friend. Sometimes she just tell me that she will be out.
That is our future. Someday she may leave but she has been threatening to leave for all of the 40 years and is still here. We will see, eh?

honestly! dude no one should ever have to feel like they need to seek satisfaction outside the marriage...let alone put up with someone finding so much joy outside of the marriage, but i suppose it suits an aspie. am i wrong?

I feel for you on that

sad... that he has taken your best years and ploked them in front of the TV.
you only live once

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Oh wow its so good to know I am not alone. I feel so drained, so fed up , so exhausted and tired. I miss th eadult interaction, the childish ways become tiresome and never ending. Just this week I have set up a wee website where I intend to provide some sort of support and a way to voice my own problems. Please feel free to have a look www.imarriedaspergers.webs.com

sometimes, i can almost swear he misses me.

I used to ask him if he missed me when I went to see family ( in 6 yrs he met my family on about 5 occasions). He'd reply "I can tell ur not around".

and you take that and you keep it close because that's as close to " i miss you " as you'll genuinely get. T_T

I have read all the posts and one thing I come away with more than any other is - how much longer can I take of this! I have been married 35 years to an Aspie but can you believe it only really discovered he was one two years ago. When you all say, now his weird unemotional behavior all makes sense, so totally it's the nail on the head!

He's a surgeon, but can barely function in daily life when it come to dealing with others. Sometimes I feel like his interpreter, others his mother. He is a great financial provider but has been a terrible husband, no sense of what I feel or need, always disregarding my feelings, ,and thoughts as wrong. No emotional support at all. We have not slept together for years, and no sex for at least 2 or more. Who would want to have sex with a man who has no idea what you need or want? His parenting skills have been even worse. Anger, yelling, belittling our daughters, or worse yet never over all the years they were in college calling them. In capable of having a close relationship with any one.

My advise to anyone thinking of leaving is DO IT NOW. It only gets worse. You feel small, alone and stupid. They suck all your energy out of you. Yes there are good qualities, the smartest man I know, his honesty while brutal at times to others is refreshing, a keen sense of humor when drinking, does not make up for all the feelings and years lost.

Every year I wanted to leave, we'd argue and i say one more year. Well one more year of hell, gets clouded over by those few happy times, birthdays, holidays, beautiful restful days when he can relax, and before you know it, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, now 35 have gone by. I have had multiple relationships outside of my marriage to just fill the emptiness in my marriage.

Don't think how you can adapt, you never can. It only gets easier because each day, month and year you give even more of your inner true self, until like me know, I wonder what I ever really wanted out of life. You begin to forget little things that make life happy because you have blocked them from your world knowing they are impossible to obtain with your Aspie.

Get out, life your life, you have only one! If I have saved even one person from the lifeless marriage, the arguing, the head banging, the wasted days of crying when he doesnt even give a darn, then these wasted years of mine will have been worth it. Good Luck and love yourself above all else.

As noted above, I am the AS guy. **
My A.A. friends tell me, it is the responsibility of the NT spouse to do what is right for her/him. That is not an excuse for the AS spouse to misbehave. On the other hand, all of the bluesky's comments are true in many relationships &amp; it is in mine. I don't intend to be difficult and pretty much only my nuclear family and those they share with (and they do share!) are aware of how difficult it can be.
Don't wait for the AS spouse to bail. In my case, I know that I will not improve my quality of life without this NT spouse of nearly 40 years.
If she did leave, I would understand. In fact she has been threatening to leave me for all of those 40 years. 30 years ago I would have felt betrayed but not since.
Why does she stay? I haven't a clue. She says financial reasons and it would impact our standard of living but would not put either of us in poverty. After all this time, what I earn would still be half hers. That is only right.
Any ideas?

your a sure thing... she prob thinks u wont cheat on her cuz you have AS and cant be bothered risking it with a NS man long term because apparently they a more unpredictable disloyal and unreliable. Your wife probably thinks shes knows all the pros and cons of both AS and NS men as she has a preconcieved idea of this in her head already. Some women reach a point where they believe deep down that its ok to forgoe ns connection for loyality and someone that can Provide. its a sellout tactic and its sad but a woman scorned and cheated on in her past will settle for loyality and dedicator any day over settling with a runaway romantic or over social over booked douchebag anyday. despite craving that connection and romance.

It's a very old post now the one of yours, but I would like to tell that I think you're maybe saving me and my life by your story. I'm about to marry a man I suppose has aspergers. It's very difficult for me as I only discovered it just now, at 2 months to the wedding. It's not been a very easy relationship but I thought it's maybe my fault, that I'm too demanding and noone is perfect. But he's the sweetest person I know, he would do anything for me, I really feel I'm very important to me. I just can't believe he will change once we're married... Will he?

You will change your mind over time. You will become alone and lonely in your marriage as well as resentful, angry and depressed. The friends will be no more. You will crave something that will never be there and then you will be middle-aged and see that it has only gotten worse or is it just that YOU have changed. I am there. Scared and terribly lonely. I wish you well but have your eyes open.

I have already been like this for years; I am not in denial- I am past that stage and am just trying to look at life in a different way. I hope you can too. Grace from God is enough to get anyone through anything. I just have to be humble enough to accept it. Seeking council for MYSELF, and not to try and "fix" his issues (which will never be done) has helped. I have been able to get validation and acceptance this way so I can bear his issues with more grace now. The learning continues.

Having been married to an Aspie husband for 23 years, I respectfully disagree. I believe you are in denial. These people never used logic to totally screw up their spousal relationship, and they will never be using logic to fix it. In the meantime, the life of wife is a terrible thing to waste.

I feel your pain.........it helped to get some books on the subject. Specifically, 22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome by Rudy Simone. But be prepared, it is discouraging as well. I am now living with my boyfriend who I suspect has AS but after 3 months of butting heads, I am frightened I am going to loose him because he is SO obtuse and insensitive. We dated for years first and I thought that would help. NOT!

Rin, I hope that things get better for you. I am the daughter, cousin, sister and mother of people with Aspergers, so I can relate. But your experience can be one that helps others, and you might find that what you’ve been through has a purpose...

Has anybody figured out how to deal, when you love him, but there is no way in a million years, he would acknowledge his Asperger's? I would like to know, specifically, is it possible for him to ever understand my point of view and that he isn't ALWAYS right? I too am getting depressed despite his positives.............

If you marry this person and stick around for about 23 years, you will discover they don't really have positives, except for maybe being a good provider. I would bet you ten of my life he will NEVER validate you by letting you be right, or giving a flip about your point of view. Why water time. When you discover these traits, GET OUT while you can. The best analogy I can give for a woman dating a man with Aspergers: its like a little girl pretending to smoke a candy cigarette, which turns out to be a stock of lighted dynamite. Been married to an Aspie engineer for 23 years. Take note of how they only talk about tasks and objects, and never your emotional well being.

I totally agree with you

Being that my husband has stuck through some pretty cruddy imperfections of my own as well as my own baggage from my perceptions of what "expressing love is" given to me from my childhood...I feel really blessed, tired somedays, frustrated others but I get to choose my attitude and Trusting in what is unseen is what Faith is all about. If I already new what would happen each day, then I am unable to serve from a place that God delivers when I lean on his will..not my own. Do I always do this, NOPE...am I trying, YEP and guess what, he is too. Here is the deal, I look at what I fell in love with 12 years ago, compare those things to now and realize he really hasn't changed. He is the man who would do anything I asked, BUT I have to ask...not presume he gets it. I talked about what I wanted then and he delivered. I often forget that I don't communicate my needs to him and when he says "I don't understand" he just doesn't understand and probably won't. BUT, what he does understand is my father leaving me as a very young girl, my living in 3 different households before I was 13yo. So I decided, look at what he does do and ask him for what he doesn't and last of all, I asked him to write down on a piece of paper what he likes, loves and thinks about when he thinks of me. This is what I read when he can't express it because you see...he doesn't change with emotions, he makes a decision and dedicated himself to that...what a BLESSING!

On a good day, this has become the way I am trying to think and behave toward my husband. With emphasis on " trying."Today is not a good day. Thank you for this post because it reminds me that I have a choice on how to view our relationship. There is hope. There is a lot of good to be had with my husband. After 20 years, I get so exhausted. I understand that he cannot process feelings and emotions of his own, let alone understand mine and respond appropriately. I have not really accepted this...or rather I HAVE and the question is : Do I want to continue? Right now I think it has gotten about as good as it's gonna get. There is always going to be a struggle for me with intimacy, affection, and loneliness. Take away the aspie problem, and underneath is another killer for the relationship department and that is alcoholism. I am not laying the alcoholism blame at his feet. We both have alcoholism in our family. He is a recovering alcoholic that does not go to meetings anymore. I have been in the other camp quite awhile. I know that I am ACOA, and go to meetings regularly. I am frustrated today. Poor poor me. Thats all folks.

"The more problems you have to overcome in your marriage, the better marriage it is" - I have never thought of it that way in all the 30 years I have been married to my chap. It's amazing how a different perspective can jolt you out of your circular thinking! Thank you for that comment. My guy is very like yours. I guess, never having been in another marriage, I didn't fully realize that there might actually be an upside to marriage to an aspie and that others might even envy me! :)

I, too, have had a rocky family life since marriage, (40 years) and since I ran across an article about Asperger's two years ago, I realized that my husband and daughter (now grown) must have it. I have not mentioned it to either of them, since they would be angry and defensive that I would suspect this. (My husband's brother is bi-polar and schizophrenic, and his grandfather was in a mental institution in his 50s, after the death of his wife.) I have mentioned my suspicion to a family member and a close friend, but they were both angry with me that I would think such a thing, (although they have always thought that my husband and daughter act oddly) so no support there.... All of the examples I have been reading about that were written by spouses of Aspies have been examples of what I have lived through over the years, both with a spouse and a child -- the inability to look people in the eye, the obsession with a single interest, the chronic depression in my daughter, the inability to see another's viewpoint or needs, the aversion to loud noises, the repetitive odd behaviors, the social awkwardness, inappropriately talking about themself at length in social situations, the total lack of interest in other people, etc. So I am beginning my research into Aspergers after 40 years of thinking it was just me. This post is the first one I have seen with a positive slant to it, and to the author I am so grateful. Among the odd behavior, embarrassing social events, being oblivious to my needs, etc., I will be looking for the positive things also.

I too have been with my husband for 39 challanging years (have 2 grown children). I too, recently learned he is most likely Aspie. It all makes sence now. I always knew something was wrong but never could put my finger on it. It helps to know its not just me and he's not mean on purpose.But it was easier when we had a clearly defined purpose and roles. We face all new challanges now that he is retired and both of us are unhealthy.

I am also grateful to those who have posted with positive things to say, especially the ones who point out the good things about being married to an aspergers guy (I don't really like the term "aspie"). I've often been down on myself for staying married for 30-plus years to someone I don't understand, but I do see there are positive aspects. I also see that I don;'t have to take responsibility for or worry about the sometimes odd/embarrassing behaviour any more! I'm glad to know there are other people like you who have been married for a long time and who have decided to keep at it, as I have. Just knowing you are out there makes me feel better. As they say, Hang in there!

I used to think this way, and honestly, you make good points. But I keep blowing up, crying, getting depressed - feeling stranded on this deserted island of Aspergers. I can't go on living this way, being discounted and having my needs disregarded or mocked. Maybe others can stay, but one of us needs to go before we destroy each other.

I feel the same way. I have been trying so hard for so long, I don't know how much longer I can do this. Nothing changes. I feel your pain; I am so sorry.

Thank you for this positive response on being married to an Aspie, I am also, and these types of posts help me personally to press onward and focus back on the good when the bad is weighing me down.

I should add a seperation is part of the healing process

I am an aspie working hard to save my marriage after all the hurt I have caused my wife! Please tell me I hav a chance!

I think you always have a chance. I can stand my husband's lack of emotion and odd displays and such. what has made it difficult for my marriage is his harassment and yelling. This is what breaks my heart and makes me not want to be with him. He did not do those things when we were dating. Now he does them everyday. saying you are sorry and meaning it can go a long way though. My husband rarely does that.

Well, at least I can see I'm not alone! I have recently realized that my daughter has Aspergers and in learning about aspergers I realized that my husband does too. At first I felt so relieved! This explained so much! I'm not married to an *** who doesn't care! However, the grief has set in. I know I will get thru it like any other challenge but it is so hard right now because he is fighting hard to controll me and isolate me from any one other than our to teens. He has always made it hard for me to be around other people especially my family. I am just so hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, hopeless, angry(yes it is in the list twice I'm really Angry!)

Married to an Aspie for almost a year now and honestly don't know if I can make it much longer. Everything seems so depressing and one-sided. I got used to not having someone who has absolutely no opinion about food - according to him it goes in and comes out the other end - it shouldn't be expensive or taste good. So we rarely ever go out for dinner. I got used to the bizarre dancing around and jumping naked in front of the tv - it is mildly laughable (I try not to encourage it!). And I got used to the constant computer presence with everything we do - his obsession is his computer! We never leave the house so it's easy to have the computer with him at all times. What I haven't been able to get used to is having no one ever ask me how my day was, care how I feel about anything or completely be ignored when I actually look sad! Recently he got upset and told me that I never share anything with him, which I find completely ironic because he ignores me and actually leaves the room any time I try! Seriously? He's a complete hypocrite! Any time I try to have a conversation with him and raise my voice he curls up in the fetal position - I don't even have to yell! I don't even have to direct the conversation at him - I am usually talking to the TV! then there's the temper tantrums and when he does get "mushy" I can't get him off me - I feel smothered. There seems to be no happy medium and it's starting to drive me crazy! we can go for weeks when things are great and then all of a sudden it all ends and I have no idea why. I can't keep up with the constant personality swings! I love him but I have no idea what I am doing here some days and I seriously long for being single again and being allowed to be myself. I can't stand walking on eggshells and I don't know if I can do it much longer.

Great advice! Hubby of 20 yrs just "discovered" his Aspieness.... because of his deep likeness to our lovely 'lil' AsperGirl!! (11years) He and I have had some learning to do together....as ALL good marriages must. But we still are learning how to refine our relationship, and *communication* as we parent our 2 older daughters (17, and 14) and teach and learn from our very intelligent "baby girl", who claims she wants to go to Homeschool College! LOL!! (Look at Daddy for that....Thank you *very much*!) My husband ADORES all of our daughters...but I do recall when he was calling family from the delivery room, it looked, and sounded as if he were talking to an automatic bill-pay service.....m o n o t o n e....& NO SMILE! I had just pushed for *hours* with NO drugs, and the dude wasn't even gonna crack a smile about this gorgeous, perfect human child we created together with OUR Creator?? Ahhhhh! Those days have passed. But know that it IS genetic, so you may get to teach some social skills to a sweetie of your own, or buy a weighted blanket, or...... just know you can and *will* have long term success with the positive attitude you have!!

Wow!!! Reading all these posts show and relfect somethings my dh does as well. Like he ahs an obsession with History channel planes, helicopters. He likes sports especially soccer. Our son was diagnosed when he was in prek. He was obssessed as well with anything with a wheel. I ahve notice some qirks in dh. Nothing bad just not your ordinary men acting. To find another word for it. But he is calm, cool and collected wheras i am a jumble of knots! At times he acts like a kid as well.LOL<br />
though like many other that have posted that is the fun part. And i also would not give it up! Why? I asked him if he ever was daignosed with Aspie . he said no. His mother neer too him to get tested. Though he states, He ahs nothing. I beg to differ here i am looking at it everyday. Sometimes, I point it out to hiim and he just grins. I think he may be aware but won't declare I ahe this too! I have found he has a thing for old music let it be whatever it is. He is smart and remembers lines from movies long ago... is that an aspie or waht? My soon on the other hand is like inventing and creating and all those things that pulls him out of who he is.<br />
Sittiing on my sofa looking at hem in front of a pc or the tv while watching a moie. They are two peas in a pod!!!LOL he loves cartoons as well my dh he can stare at it like a 5 yr.old looking at a fish in a aquarium. He is like jsut with the tv and that is it.He is into that cartoon like nothing else matters!! Though he is my dh and father to our son - i have learned much from him!

"There are beautiful aspects of being married to a man with aspergers. "<br />
<br />
<br />
YES! I totally agree. And that's really the only way I can keep going in our marriage - I focus on what we DO have. And i fill in the gaps - the emotional closeness that's not there, the little things like him reaching to take my hand or telling me I'm beautiful or even 'i love you' after making love (I had to teach him to say that and he is starting to remember but it is clearly something he knows he is SUPPOSED to say :( not an instinct thing --I get that from good friends and social networking ,ha ha. Still not the marraige i dreamed of. but life is what happens when you are making other plans. We have a lot of fun together with our children and i try to take joy in his obsessions - gardening and putting movies on a movie system - thank goodness i like those too. I missed out haveing a best friend in marriage, someone who'd ask how i am, what's going on with me, what my dreams and worries are. That is Ok. I am in acceptance. And I have found you guys!

I wonder how much my husband would relate to this as I have Asperger's. He has told me I am lot of work for him and stressful and it feels like he has two children instead of one. I do want to do things for him but he always tells me to not worry about it.

I am so amazed reading all the posts...I have started seeing a therapist for my own reasons but in doing so have discussed my partner (of 13 years) and his inability to cope with me emotionally among many other things...whilst the whole time blaming myself.. My therapist suggested to me he may be Aspie and it was like a light bulb went on. So now after reading many forums and info on adult aspergers I have come to see that he ticks all the boxes.<br />
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I love him very much and we are at the very beginning of trying to understand but just reading everyone's experiences has almost lifted a weight of my shoulders. Finally I understand all the eccentricities. Why he stares at me with this blank look when I'm upset and in tears. Why he is so obsessive about his hobby, like nothing else matters. Why he never wants to try a new restaurant, always preferring to go to the ones he knows. Why he can't hold eye contact when having a conversation with me. Why he can't understand why I get upset over certain things. I can go on and on.... So now at least we can move forward..

You don't know how much I found your post to be healing for me. Everything you say is exactly how I feel. My first husband died when I was 32 and had 3 small children. I married my husband now 14 years ago this August and just found out last fall that he has Aspbergers. I happened on it because I could tell his father was not normal. He reminded me of the man on the Movie "Dear John" who was obsessed with his coin collection. To my amazement when I googled the condition and read the name, I couldn't believe that what I was reading answered all my questions as to why there was something I couldn't understand about my husband all these years<br />
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However, I now am mourning a death again. Your post warmed my heart because that is exactly how I feel about my husband. He loves me with his whole heart and I know that he feels badly (in his own way) that he can't be what I wanted for a husband and yet he is EVERYTHING that I needed for a husband.<br />
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However this past weekend was the hardest weekend in my life. My son who is now 21 and graduated from college basically said he is embarrassed of him. You see they never bonded and my son misses his father so badly because he was an athlete like my son. My husband never bonded with him. I feel caught in the middle. I never felt that I raised my son to be like that, but he can't handle my husbands awkward social skills and outbursts of anger. I just want to die and make it all go away. <br />
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Can someone else relate to wanting to just end their life so they didn't have to go on like this?<br />
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Please help!!!

You are valueable no matter how much you have gone through and been hurt. I know at times you blame yourself and don't feel worthy. I feel these things too. Please don't think about ending your life. It is not worth it. Your children need you. He might be selfish; you don't have to be.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it is hard, loving them both as you do, but you do not have the power to control what is happening between them. I understand your wanting to just make it all go away. Please hang in there. They may not be close now, or ever, but they can maintain a relationship, however distant, in the future. Something that works for them. And your son will still love you both. My son is not close to his father either but we do see him on occasion and he gets along with his Dad for those brief periods. I get to spend time with him alone occassionly as well. I charish those moments. My son is more like me and my daughter is like her father. He instictively knows this and has always related to her better and my son instictively knows this, but he seems to be coping with it now that he is grown. His teen years were very difficult but we survived them. So will you.

Thank you so much Jends and pretty much everyone on this thread.. I am reading everything I can in this group and I identify with so much I am almost jumping up and down with empathy..<br />
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The miscarriage response/comment is so so sad and so typical :(<br />
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Some (lesser but) recent examples of my own was when we were going out together recently (my partner quite likes a quiet meal out and the cinema.. i guess Im lucky in that.. no real social behaviour required and I'm well used to being ignored when he's in that mood sadly..).. and I decided pull out all the stops to look nice. (This was before my Asperger's light bulb moment 3 days ago when it all suddenly made sense..).<br />
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I just wanted to him to notice I'd make such an effort.. just this once to say something nice. I went downstairs and he said nothing.. he did glance at me and what I was wearing.. i think he registered my appearance.. but chose to say nothing. I felt so upset I can't describe it.. In the car, against my better judgement I went and said "Do I look ok?" and he said "fine..". Another stabbing moment of emotional pain. (sometimes I think I must be a masochist but I really DON'T enjoy it..)<br />
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Later we went talking about the teenagers on facebook and how they put those statuses (well they do in the UK.. I think most of you are in the US?) that say "That awkward moment when..." followed by some silly remark. And I said (mouth running away with me).. "That awkward moment when you spend two solid hours getting ready failing to realise that the man you love will NEVER EVER tell you you look nice.."<br />
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And he actually looked really quite sad and said "I'm sorry.. I'm horrible aren't I..." at which i assured him that of course he's not.. (At this time I thought.. you're not horrible you just don't love me anymore.. you just don't know how to tell me.." but now I think I know he does.. it's just the "Aspie" thing...)<br />
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More recently we were watching a film at home.. "Tomorrow When The War Began" (I think?) about a group of Aussie teens who come back from a camping trip to find their town invaded.. a bit of a disaster movie really. And me, as usual fishing for compliments (they are so few and far between and I am pathetic I confess) said, at a part where some man had done something heroic for his woman.. ""you'd save me wouldn't you.." and my other half said "Of course.." So I had to push it and go thro the family one by one (the children are mine not his and the youngest has very complex needs/mod- severe learning disability/challenging behaviour etc) and he said "Yes.. yes" re the first two and then when I said my son's name he said "No.. he would just hold us back.. I would let him go.."<br />
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And it was such a STUPID conversation but I was distraught even tho yes maybe what he said was completely true.. maybe in a situation like that you have to let one go to save the rest.. but I as a mother could NOT do it.. i would lay down my life for any of my kids. .and I know they are not his kids.. but I needed to hear him say he would do something heroic for my boy too.. even if only to make me feel better.. but of course he couldn't/wouldn't ( and I understand why now.. an Aspie couldn't and couldn't fake it to make me feel better!) but I couldn't talk to him for hours.. or much the next day (not that he cared.. he never cares if i go silent and just happily ignores me back and would indefinitely I think!) and when I finally tried to describe calmly to him how upset I was and why he was irritated and baffled beyond belief.. to him his remark made perfect sense and my emotional reaction was entirely irrelevant and unhinged to him!<br />
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These sort of convos are regular occurences.. but these two spring to mind in the light of my recent realisations that he is a Text Book Aspie (!) if one exists!<br />
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Strength to you all x

It is nice to hear that you are sticking to him. I too have a husband with undiagnosed AS. Been married for 18 years and it has been a very difficult journey. Have 3 daughters and they have not gone unaffected by his problems. You see, I have been able to deal with his quirky behavior and seemingly unemotional statements, however, when you put kids into the equation, it is harder than you think. He has many rules he lives by and when we don't follow along, that really frustrates him. He makes statements to me which he doesn't think should hurt my feelings and after I talk to him about it, he says I shouldn't be hurt and can't understand why I feel that way. He criticizes everyone including the kids. Just the other day, my daughter made some waffles. He eats every 2 hours, some rule he put on himself because supposedly helps with weight loss. Anyhow, he had last had a snack at 11 am and when I gave him the waffles my daughter made for him, he said he wouldn't eat them. I asked why and he said it is barely 12:30, not 2 hours yet. He left the waffles there and didn't eat them. At 1 pm, he got up and went and got some food. I had to eat the waffles, so my daughter wouldn't see them and feel bad. I constantly have to pick up the mess behind him. It is exhausting. I stick around because although, he seems uncaring, he is a good man. He is loyal just like the rest of you all, he would never cheat. He works hard and if I need him, he is there. He doesn't run from problems and we have been through some hard times. He doesn't hug much or show much affection but I know that he loves us very much. I don't know what the future holds for us and I can't say that I will never leave but so far I have stuck it out. My job picking up the pieces is very hard and I hope that you don't have to. I commend you for trying.

my husband has many unwritten rules as well, but he does not share what they are. makes life interesting. :) many times he refuses to eat anything I make . . . with no reason. At least he shares his rules with you so you can try and follow them. So happy to hear it working out for you!

Oh my god! Yes! I have stopped cooking. My husband does the shopping because I want him to eat what he wants. I used to make things and he wouldnt' want them! So now I often make what I want to eat and the kids want to eat and he makes his own (he's home later from work too). It works well but I had to mourn the loss of the 'family dinner" - but I really relish the days we have a meal togehter that he makes - i just dont pout that it wasnt put together by me - i enjoy his Indian cooking and chinese cooking and so I just make the most of those dinners we all eat together.

That is wonderful! I wish my spouse and I could be in the same place, but it takes at least some motivation on the part of both partners, and sadly my husband no longer has any desire to share his life and world. I applaud your attitude! I wish you all the luck in the world, and know that your attitude, and his attempts (even when he doesn't understand, or thinks things "stupid") will make all the difference, and make things better!

Oh you beautiful woman!<br />
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Your energy, anger, frustration, searching, understanding, compassion and acceptance are breathtaking and obvious.<br />
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Your open book confession brought a tear to my eye.<br />
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I know and work with some really bright men and women, many of the men have social problems, some of whom I believe have Asperger's or similar conditions.<br />
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I work with them, but couldn't imagine the reality of living together as partners, until this. I have found that once we can identify a cause or explanation for something, it can help reduce the temptation to blame the other for 'bad' behaviour. It's hard to blame a deaf man for ignoring your hail, and the same for someone with an emotional blindness, who has to do social things through rules. Understanding also allows us to find useful strategies, as you have identified, to help make things run smoother.<br />
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My son's bowling partner has Asperger's and is growing into the most amazing young man, but his mum is a tower of patience and guidance for him.<br />
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I wish you grace and peace and patience, and hope for your continued love and life together.

I loved your post- I just found out my husband of 12 years, whom I've known my whole life is AS. I've been grieving the loss of never being able to have a typical marriage with him. My therapist gave it to me straight- most people in typical marriages are miserable- 50% end in divorce and other startling statistics about the ones who stay married. So I'm trying to look at this marriage as a glass is 1/2 full kind of a deal. I am blessed to have a husband who is hard working, FUNNY, quirky in a fun way, brilliant and exceptional at helping me with housework. He would never cheat and is completely devoted to me and our children. Now I just need to get some new tools in my mental kit to deal with the misunderstandings and frustration. I'll just keep plugging along and doing my best.

This is so right on :)

the are still a child some are high level then others they do not understand and very short attenion spans

I respect your approach to your husband's AS. I am concerned for your future. I have been married to a man with undiagnosed AS for 27 years; we have three grown children. I am writing a book about my life with him. I left him almost 2 years ago with no money in the bank. I am emotionally crushed to the core of my being. The emotional neglect and disconnection has a permanant effect on your psyche. I am hoping to be healed and hoping to be emotionally available for real personal connection, which is a very basic human need that we all deserve. I never want you to feel like I feel. I could give you 27 years of examples like your husband's response to your miscarriage. I was chilled to the bone when I read that. (I called my husband and told him I was having chest pain and needed to go to the emergency room. He yelled at me and said there was no money available to pay to co-pay! We have insurance. And oh, he works at the hospital as a respected Physician. I am a cardiology nurse.) I hurt for you now but more for your life later. My children gave me love and connection and a reason for living, but they are all out of the home now. They did not spend much time at home because of the stress between us. It's so sad. (Read about the Cassandra Syndrome for wives of AS spouses.)

Any relationship is work, whether married or not. I am very impressed with your post & your attitude.<br />
I too try to focus on the positive things in my relationship and let them carry me through the difficult times.<br />
Who wants to be normal? I love the childlike quality in our relationship & the fact that he will always be honest with me, no matter what!

Confronting won't work. You have to be gentle and use words like inappropriate. People with AS don't know they did something wrong. That's part of the frustration for the spouses/friends. Having AS isn't a pass to be rude to people but unfortunately it's going to happen. I suggest you and your friends learn as much as you can about AS as it will help you understand your friend and also give you help as to how to handle situations such as the one you described. It's not easy, but you can get help so you don't end up dumping the friendship which won't help him. good luck.

I have found that the tv series Big Bang Theory has helped me explain what is right &amp; wrong socially with my partner. They tell the 'autistic character - Sheldon' that things are either the social norm or socially expected &amp; he will then do that. I have tried this with all three of the autistic men in my life (partner, son &amp; step-son) &amp; it works!!

I have a friend who has said to us all that he has a mild form of asperger's. And reading this is really similar to his behaviour at the moment. Last week he decided that he would tell everyone what he really thinks of them and on other occasions he has put himself and others into really awkward situations. I was wondering how do you tell your husband that the things he has done are really unacceptable or wrong? We confronted our friend but he transformed into a child literally before our eyes like he hadn't done anything wrong. Me and my friends don't know how to deal with him :S

it will be hard taking care of 2 children i think<br />
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i knew about mu wife before we married and we had a great life for a few years till her death and to this day i still miss and love her<br />
and you just have to think anything you do you are dealing with a small child that does not understand and as s child he comes first to im self