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Hope: 5 Stages Of Loss

I am going to start this by explaining that I am a nurse.  I am married to a man I believe has asperger's.  He is not diagnosed, but fits the description perfectly and every quiz he has taken (or I have taken for him) has confirmed my suspicions. Suddenly all the weirdness of my married life makes sense. AhHa moment. and then OH my dear LORD! Now What?!  I started this journey three years ago. I felt that there were lots of things going on that could be explained by aspergers . . .or I could just be married to an eccentric jerk that has beautiful moments?  I basically isolated myself, became depressed, and held all my feelings inside myself.  Who could I talk too who would listen or not think I was crazy?  I became angry at my husband holding things against him.  Like the time I told him that I had a miscarriage.  Lost our CHILD! His response," we could not afford a child". Then he did not talk to me for a week.  After that he never mentioned the situation.  I hated him for that, for the rude comments, for the stupid things he did.  I would yell horrible things just to see if I could find any emotion. I stopped the anger and would think . .. it must be my fault.  If only I had not said that . . . done that . . . If I could just teach him how to act . . .etc.  Finally I have come to accept that my husband is different and he won't change.  I'm ok with that.  Now, looking back I see how my marriage so far has been a mourning process.  The last three years I have been mourning a normal marriage.  In nursing school I learned Elsabeth Kubler-Ross's "The five stages of loss and grief."  Denial and Isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  It is funny how looking back on life expereinces can give you a different perspective based on the information you learn.  At first I was fearful of "a diagnosis" which meant change could not occur. Then I wanted and wished for a diagnosis so I would have validation and because otherwise I could not imagine living with this person anymore.  Now I don't care if he ever gets diagnosed.  I have really struggled, and still struggle; I know two things.  These things keep me going. 1.) my husband is a good person whom I chose to love 2.) Divorce is and will never be an option for me.
Every marriage is difficult and it does not matter who you married to or what diagnosis they may or may not have.  There are beautiful aspects of being married to a man with aspergers. 

1.) My husband says embarrassing things sometimes to people, but sometimes he tells people things they need to hear. Things I wish I could tell people. Sometimes I need to hear the truth and I should let it make me a better person. 
2.) My husband is so needy and clingy at times it is frustrating however, many of my friends are worried or have caught their husbands cheating on them.  I know my husband will NEVER cheat on me. I am pretty sure if we ever broke up he would still ask me for advice or live alone in a hole.  He needs me and well, I have to admit . . . I love being needed.
3.) My husband may be obsessive with his interests, but he is one of the smartest people I have ever met.
4.) He may act "strange" sometimes; but I love how he finds pleasure in simple things such as candles and hates sports because they are "pointless".
5.) Sometimes I might get annoyed, but I love that my husband is so honest.
6.) I may not always understand how my husband thinks, but he is way more interesting this way.
7.) my husband may not hug or kiss much,or understand why buying gifts is not stupid to ME; but I can't count the number of times he has done things because I wanted too even though he thought they were stupid.
8.) at times he acts like a child and I hate feeling like I have to be his mother, but if I join in on the child-like behaviors there is something very fun and freeing about the experience.

Love is making a choice to do things for another person even if it is difficult.  I am learning that while I get annoyed and frustrated by my husband I think things must be so much harder for him to do things I take for granted . . like have a conversation.  It makes me proud of him and love him for the fact that he is married and holds down a job.  In some way, he must love me so much more than I can know to fight every day to learn and try to act "normal" to make me happy. 

I understand marriage or dating or talking to someone with aspergers is hard, but there are too many people that have a depressing view that things can't be fixed or worked out.  So many people give advice like "BAIL NOW WHILE YOU CAN", it just gets harder  . .. . . I have stayed in this marriage too long . . . blah, blah. who  is the hurtful selfish one in the relationship?  I look at the fact that my husband can't change how he thinks of the world, but he STILL tries to make me happy when it does not make sense to him.  When he hurts my feelings by ACCIDENT, can't I at least forgive him? It really is not hard to make him happy. All I have to do is ask him about his interests, give him space, or find him a good smelling candle etc.

There is hope. I may not have handled it with grace so far . . but we have made it three years and I am looking forward to more.  We may not have a "normal" marriage, but I would not change my decision.  If you loved someone and got married and found out they had cancer would you leave them?  why with aspergers would you leave them?

There is hope is grace and love. Live out LOUD.  The more problems you have to overcome in your marriage, the better marriage it is, the more beautiful. There is beauty in greasy puddles if you look for the rainbow.
jends jends 26-30 61 Responses Jan 30, 2012

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My partner doesn't understand grieving or the need for celebrations. He expects our lives to continue in one, long stream of beige, we aren't even allowed to go on holiday (we have a six year old son) because 'it's a waste of money'. My partner is a good man, I love him, but I do not love this life with him. I feel very very sad.
I am trying my best to keep this afloat, your article helped me count some good points. Thank you.

I am a 34 year old man with Asperger's. I was diagnosed last year. I have been with my wife for seven years, and she is the most wonderful thing in my life. She is very understanding and supportive, and I can honestly say that she is the only friend I have ever had. As good as our life together is now, it wasn't always this easy. At first she did not understand me, and I didn't understand her. We fought over trivial things, and looking back, it was mostly my fault. But love and relationships are a two-way street. I have adapted myself to try to understand her way of thinking, and she has adapted to me. Example: She has a large and close family that frequently gets together and has loud parties, and I dread these events. She always ensures that I have an "escape", even if it's only for a few minutes outside with just the two of us. At first I avoided these events, but with time I have made the effort to suck it up and go.

It's all about compromise, understanding, and communication, for both of us. I love her and she loves me, and we work at it every day. At no point did I say it was easy, nor will I ever. But if you love someone enough, it can be done. So those of you having issues in your relationships, talk to your partner, be prepared to compromise, be patient, and love your partner for who he/she is, good and bad.

How do you learn how to accept the anger and the abuse? I'm going on 5 years and I can accept almost anything from anyone, but how do you accept when your husband gets angry at you and calls you stupid or tells you to F*** Off? Where do you put that, and how do you finally purge it? Therapy? Yes, there are beautiful moments, yes, at heart, he is a truly good and lovely person. There is no mourning a marriage that I thought I would have, but how do you deal with the cruelty? Everything else I have a handle on, but I feel like I need a few more tools in my box to keep going.

A relationship can work but only if the person with Aspergers can accept that they have it and be willing to learn. I spent many years wondering what was wrong with ME but finally I managed to get my partner assessed and my suspicions were confirmed, he has Aspergers. However he is in complete denial and insists there is nothing wrong with him and it is everybody else who has a problem. I got very depressed but I have now reached the acceptance stage and am getting on with my life without involving him. I felt a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders once I had the diagnosis and I have stopped banging my head against a brick wall.

I realized after the sudden death of my grandmother, my shining star that all that I had been feeling for the past 22 years of marriage was not me being crazy and over reacting, it was the realization that my husband has Asbergers. it was the final straw he wasn't there for me. He didn't realize he was supposed to be there. not only am I dealing with the loss of my Gram I am now mourning the loss of a "normal" marriage. I'm lucky, he's not nearly as bad as some of the others. he was a strong sense of commitment. he's a good provider. Was a good father, more of an old-fashioned type. But has not friends of his own, doesn't need to talk about our days. No need for warmth. I have friends but they don't begin to fill in what I've lost in the past 3 momths

I am in exactly the same situation. Big hugs to you.

My husband and I have been harried 46 years this year. I am also an R.N. retired. For some strange reason, I always felt something was "off" but mostly blamed myself, and just tough times all people who are married go through. Now, we have moved to Florida, where we have met groups of neighborhood people who have gathered us and welcomed us into their lives. Often we are invited to their homes.
My husband has always had the motto..."some people are born to talk, others...listen" He considers himself the listener, and rarely can initiate conversation unless, I open a venue, or topic that interests him.
I have been searching the internet today, and came across this website, although I belonged already, but when the topic of Aspergers was here, it interested me, and know I know why. I believe this is his underlying problem, and today I am mad, because I am having a few days of difficulty relating to him, or with him. Now, I'm not sure whether to be sad, or glad I have a tentative answer.
My husband is a hugger, lover...not an issue with is the other issues I have a problem dealing with. The lack of his being able to make friends. His being with me, only me, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I sure could use some space sometimes. His inability to remember dates, places directions...although he is on a seizure med which just compiles the problem.
His social awkwardness........
His lack of spontaneity.......we would do nothing if not for me taking the wheel, and making a plan.
His inability to make any decision. He says he makes bad decisions. Which leaves way too much responsibility for me....
I could go on for pages, but I just needed to vent a little today.

I am going through the stages of loss. We're going on close to four years of marriage. Last night I was crying as I headed home and heard God say "You have to love him the way he is."
Mine is especially difficult because for eight years before we married I was his special interest. He was obsessed with me in a delightful way. Having come out of an abusive marriage, I relished the adoration, constant affection, and expensive gifts. Once we got engaged all that cut off like a faucet. And he went from being my hero who could do anything to a clueless naive anxious little boy whose only pleasure was cell phone batteries. I thought it was nerves. But no. This is the real him. He's a clueless dad though I deeply admired his steadfast love for his children during our eight years of bliss. He traveled 10 hours to pick up his sons every time he had at least three days off. This was a marked improvement over my ex husband who lived three miles away and saw my daughter about three to four times a year.
This marriage is painful. I need words of affirmation and the loneliness, oblivious cruel words, and lack of emotion is unnerving. I pray a lot. A psychologist told me I have Cassandra syndrome. He attacked me verbally last night and the pain lingers. I'd love to chat sometime with another woman in my situation. Laughing is incredible medicine. If you're looking for someone who understands to laugh about the insanity of this crazy marriage contact me. We can help each other go through this journey.

Hi Tash,

I'm very sorry that you're in this situation. Your loneliness is so obvious in your writing. After I broke up with my fiance, I could use some support of women who understood. I found this help on this website:

It might help you as well, there are hundreds of women there who know what you're talking about. Please take care of yourself, since your husband doesn't. God bless you!

Thank you so much for replying. My husband is very worried about our marriage not making it. He recently started reading a devotional about how to make a marriage work. He also told my mother his concern that we might be heading towards divorce. The other night we shared what we like about each other and what needs work. This seems to be working nicely towards some very necessary changes in our marriage. I'll keep praying for all of us in this situation. It's tough, painful, difficult, but in all that maybe, just maybe it's worth the effort.

Well, I'm glad your husband is worried about your marriage, and not careless. He should be worried. You might want to hand him a book about Asperger's? There are so many, even books written by Asperger guys. I wish you God's comfort and love!

Thank you so much for these words. You can't know how much it changed in me. I have been on this same journey in my five years of marriage to a man with HFA/Aspergers.

Until I saw your words about mourning, I had no idea that's what I was experiencing. It's like the penny dropped and I realise how much grief I have been carrying around with me - and that I can just put it down!

I came here honestly looking for advice on how to go about breaking up a marriage to someone with Aspergers when you have two children together and, instead, I am leaving with the intention to work harder than ever at our relationship. I realise how blessed I am, and how blind I've been.

Thank you a thousand times for being the spark of something, an inspiration. I'm now determined to look forward and not back. :)

Wishing you and your husband many, many long years of happiness amid the challenges. xx

what happens if you are on medication to help you get back on track after loosing your identity due to living in an Aspie marriage? <br />
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I fear my husbands anger and empty promises to make efforts to change. <br />
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I though getting a diagnosis would help but somehow I cant let go of the fear and broken promises. <br />
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Does this make me selfish? <br />
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Unlike some of you on this forum My husbands personality change the moment we got married. <br />
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He had fixations with how we should get intimate ( demanding I dress a certain way) at first I joined in but soon I came to realise this was the only way he would get intimate. This made me feel as though i wasnt good enough. <br />
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Over the years i became ill after our first child (autoimmune illness) then server anaemia and anxiety. With all of this Ive had to deal with meltdown nearly everyday of our married life. our son wont go to unless I tell him to and now hes 4. <br />
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My husband can be softer natured if we are going to counselling or ive put pressure on to change but once I get relaxed hes behaviour returns.<br />
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We have been together 10 yrs (9 of which I had no idea about aspergers) .<br />
ive spent the majority of the time blaming myself for his behaviour. <br />
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This is my second marriage, what do I do now. I have nothing more to give. <br />
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Please help me!!!

I am in my fifties with the same time and circumstances as yourself. Debating divorce at this point and trying to make it on my own.

hello everyone this really worked and i am proud to testify also. i saw a post on how a lady got her husband back and i decided to try this prophet that helped her because my relationship was crashing. although i never believed in spiritual work i reluctantly tried him because i was desperate but to my greatest surprise this prophet helped me and my relationship is now perfect just as he promised my husband now treats me like a queen even when he had told me before he doesn't love me anymore. well, i can not say much but if you are passing through difficulties in your relationship try him here is his email of a truth he really helps again his email his

In July, I will have been married 27 years and my husband is so much like yours. However, he has lost 5 jobs in 6 years. I work full time and part-time and he keeps trying to get a job. We will probably lose house. My children feel the tention and see my sadness. I also made a vow, and he also has his sweet moments, but socilaizes without me because I get embarrassed by what he says to people and see how they react and just walk away from him. It is sad.

I have been married to a man with aspergers for 20 years this month. It is incredibly difficult and still worth it. I'm hanging in for the next 20 and still looking for solutions to some of the problems, but wouldn't change it and wouldn't go back.

My partner is a 46 year old undiagnosed male with aspergers,waiting to be diagnosed which 100% will come back that he is. we dont live together and he goes home and refuses to talk, meet text , answer the phone for days at a time only agreeing to meet if I beg or turn up where I know he will be, he doesn't buy me any presents or cards even thou I spoil him. He has major anger issues which scare me and he smokes weed which he says helps him greatly and I LOATHE. He makes me so happy the most ive ever been and at times the most miserable. He is working at the moment but it doesn't last. I try so hard to understand.

Can you tell me what and who you find to get a diagnosis

I'm struggling to learn to live with my husband. He makes very poor choices and "lies" to me. More a battle of logic, because he does not see it as being dishonest. He is working with a counselor. I feel extremely guilty because I do see how his mind works and I can follow how and why he does things, but in the end I'm being emotionally jerked around in a way that is unhealthy. Every marriage is difficult, but when do you stop being a door mat. Sigh...Thank you for your input. There is so much I do love about my husband, but he causes melodrama after melodrama and his hiding the truth (to protect me) has done some real damage. I feel sorry for him. I want so much to be close to him, but the frequency of the dishonesty and 7 year of marriage and still the same issues....I don't know....sigh.....he also makes commitment about things that are important (finances) then fails to follow through and does not tell me. I have to be honest, living with him is the most stressful part of my life.

Yeah, my husband lies about the stupidest things. He has gotten so bad about it that it is ridiculous. Ex. I say in the morning, please remember to brush the boy's teeth before you take them to daycare. I can see them in the bathroom. I can see that he is not helping our 2yr old brush his teeth, but he lies to me and said he did help him brush his teeth. All the toothbrushes are dry. Insulating, and infuriating. Why not just do it? Why lie right in front of my face? Do you care about your son's health, or just yourself. My dream is to get through grad school so I can get a good parttime job to support my three children by myself so I can be done with all this crap. If my husband was not so scary by being so financially manipulating I would be gone. I just want my children to be safe from his craziness. I can't imagine him getting to have them for the weekends by himself? He never wants to spend time with any of us, just his computer. I bet he would fight for them though because he thinks of us all as his objects.Uhg.

Does your husband have AS too? I'm sorry you are being treated that way. It's crazy-making isn't it?

I find that my husband is more delusional than a lier. I recently saw a study in which they found that asperger sufferers have a really high incidence of delusional behavior. I have been married to him for 27 years... I have come so close to losing my mind. Being married to an aspie can be a total mind ****.

I experience the same thing. May be better without him. The stress is adversely affecting my health.

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Married 20 years to an aspie we have two wonderful teenagers one is aspie as well! Love is shown in so many different ways! For the first few years i was in honeymoon phase. Then the next 10 the kids were babies and he was working and not available to help, emotionally i was a wreck. The past 5 years have been discovery! My son was diagnosed and it opened my eyes! Your absolutely right about trust! We are in this together and it may not look like what everyone else wants it to but its ours and its awesome! I do get lonely when especially hormonal but I've found comfort in other ways! My kids are great! My hubby and i spend tons of time together!

This was awesome. I'm so glad I read this. saving it to read whenever one of those "times" hit.

I'm relieved I stepped out a of relationship with a guy I am sure has Asperger's. There was no attention, not much affection, no comfort, no care, no warmth. It was al about him. After almost a year after the break up I still love him with all my heart, but the loneliness hurt too much. I do feel for him though... a lot.

I hope you moved on. Mine constantly threatened suicide and I felt responsible for him. The fact is they just want to be with their special interest. I'm happy for you that it ended. He will be fine as long add he has his special interest.

Thanks for this. My aspie husband just said something so hurtful to me before leaving for a business trip, leaving me so angry and upset. I've been stewing for hours and after reading this I feel better. It's not his fault.

I was in a six year relationship with the exact same guy....guess what happens in the end? He cheats on u for the thousandths time...and if u live in val verde ca. Honey....he already cheated on u when u first got togetherand he told me everything about u and what he did with u like besties...LEAVE HIM IT JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE

Hey, so I have Aspergers. I am a 17 year old female teenager, and I want to say thank you so much for your story. It has made me cry, but don't feel bad. They are happy/relieved tears. Since I have been diagnosed I have had a fear of how anyone I date would be affected by my being an Aspie, I have only had 2 boyfriends. Even though both so far accepted my quirks, one did not know how to understand my reasoning, for that. I broke up with my first boyfriend. Now dating someone else, he seems to understand, or at least like you try and pray and do his best to understand and accept and work through anything that disrupts our relationship. I know I am young and it most likely won't be forever, but his compassion and our conversations along with your story reassure me that there are people in the world who can handle or love and accept an Aspie.

I thank you for writing this story. It not only shows how much one can care for someone they love and work at the relationship and do what it takes, but also show how somethings I do can affect my loved ones. I never realized that some of my reactions may be the cause of an argument or upset them, I shall work on that as well to be sure to try to discuss it with them. My boyfriend and I now, have already promised, and so far are, to discuss and let each other know of anything that concerns us so we can strengthen our understanding of each other and what our relationship needs and what we need to try to work on.

Though my saying that people who can handle. . . its sad somewhat, that us Aspies can cause our loved ones such anguish,pain,and frustration unknowingly. We dislike hurting people we care about, even if we don't really show it how most people expect. Most likely your husband didn't talk to you for about a week after your miscarriage (so sorry :/ ) because he saw/recognized somehow that you were not acting like you normally do and since he did not know how to accept the change in your behavior, distanced hisself somewhat. I luckily can read some body language and expressions by working extremely hard and having therapy, but even when I can't and before I could, If there was a change in someone's normal behavior or routine I would notice, and then I would back away become distance so I could try to understand the cause of the change so I could make it go back to how it was before. Sure all Aspies, obviously, are not alike, but this is how I see it.

I am sorry for the length, but thank your again and I wish you the best in your marriage as well as the strength to continue everyday and I hope that your husband also can continue to work with you to raise your kids and nurture your mirage.

Thank you, it is never easy for either of us. Here are some things that have helped us, and I hope they help you. 1. Watch laugh your way to a better marriage seminar on youtube. We did the flagpage and it helped us to understand each other better. 2. we started the 40 bead method and it has dramatically changed our marriage, because sex was an issue for us. My husband does not know how to communicate or initiate. Hopefully this is not as big of an issue for you. 3. He chose a time each week 1 hour block of time to listen to my concerns. I just write down and remember things I have issues with and then he listens to my examples of how to make things better, instead of me getting frustrated and us having a onesided fight where he just slams a door in my face ect. He calls it our weekly emotional hour.

Thanks, I shall view the video, don't have much of an issue communicating, as much as us understanding each others ways of communicating. It is getting better, because I am tired of getting constantly frustrated so we now explain longer until we think we both understand. I have no clue about the 40 bead method, and not sure I want to know, but thank you for all your suggestions. I hope you two continue to improve in all aspects that are difficult/troublesome :)

Thanks, I think? But, yeah, I have been told that before. I have just gone through a lot already, even living basically by myself. I do have a roommate though :)

Thanks, you too!

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I can't believe how selfish you people are. People with aspergers have a disability. Would you leave your spouse or wish them dead if they had diabetes or heart surgery and you had to help them with medications or depression? I understand feeling frustrated, these feelings have pushed me to try harder. Marriage is sacrifice no matter what the issues are. After reading these comments I pity the poor aspies married to you! Your challenge is to learn his ways of communicating. Why does it only have to be your way. My husband might have aspergers and had a really difficult transition into fatherhood. I really had to be the boss and lay down the line. Ie, make your children your obsession instead of books Etc. But now he is an amazing father.every day is a challenge but there are rewards too. I am a more patient, better person and so is he. One thing that I found to help me was called laugh your way to a better marriage/doing a flag page and the bead method works well for us. These are very passive ways for him to communicate but still helps to meet our needs and create understanding. I joined this website to find others to create an encouraging envirnment so we don't have to be alone. I did not join to listen to this selfish angry pitiful nagging. If you need to leave your marriage, then leave but i doubt with your attitude you will find more happiness elsewhere.

I'm glad you experience is positive.

Where do I find this video? My husband is in total denial of the aspergers though he had tested positive and has powerful attributes. He is a great provider. He loves me and our children though he has no idea what that involves. I'm interested in the video if it doesn't focus on him being an aspie. He rejects anything that references it.

I can't remember a day when I didn't wish my Aspie husband would die.

that is harsh but its a reality of thinking with many partners of aspie men. its the truth! most wives think that way after being tourmented by their husbands who refuse to seek help to better cope with aspergers. Too many women think they are helping them by being silent punching bags and doing so much more work to figure them out be patient etc than an aspie. all an aspie does is just be... no filtering etc just the bullshit notion thats it... they cant help it they cant manage it... which instantly gives them a lazy hall pass to continue to disengage and becoming further isolated, unaware and alone. greatest injustice you can do for an aspie is to be there doormat! how else will they learn... amazingly if you gave aspies half the credit they deserve... they can actually adapt. its hard work for both you and them but they are capable of it. have faith.

Thank you for this. The only other thing that would come before this is that I have a child from a previous relationship. If this will put him a bad spot I must move on. This did help though, so thanks.

Your post is a little over a year old, and I hope that you have continued to find happiness and acceptance of the limitations of your marriage. Every marriage is of choice, but I do hope that you do not bring children into your marriage. Children require nurturing beyond your capacity to handle it on your own. As a NT spouse, there is only so much I can do to mitigate the effects of my husband's neurological limitations that prevent "normal" attachments. My children are suffering low self esteem and poor social relations because children cannot be expected to understand why their Dad is not responsive to their emotional needs beyond the idea that there must be something wrong with them. Even if he is willing to try to understand his own limitations, children need both parents to be healthy in order to thrive. Even my friend's children -- whose father is in end stage kidney failure -- have it better off than my own kids, because they are emotionally healthy and deeply bonded to their father. To bring a child into this world knowing that their ability to bond with their father WILL be compromised is cruel, and I never would have taken this path, for their sake, if I had known. I love my husband, and our relationship between us as adults would be as you describe.... Quirky, loyal, fun and so on. But his disability regarding nurturing, bonding and parenting is destroying our relationship. Keep it simple. NO KIDS.

kids with an AS is not reccomended.

I know a married couple, both of whom have AS, and they are wonderful parents. I worked as a part time nanny for them, and lived with them, so I saw everything. They were both extremely dedicated, attentive and nurturing to their children.
It depends on the individual...having AS, or not having AS doesn't determine whether somebody will be a good parent. It depends on the individual!

I love this response.

People with AS have their own personalities too, it's not just one set of behaviours, it's more like a set of difficulties in common. It makes me sad when there are so many of us who feel like we must change to suit our partners or that no one with AS can be a good partner. Some people are just not great partners irrespective of AS whilst others are awesome at family life and also have a set of behaviours congruent with AS. From whichever perspective, I'm so relieved that there's a chance to speak to other people about the things in common and work out for ourselves what we find acceptable and where people would benefit from extra love and support.

I know a married couple, both of whom have AS, and they are wonderful parents. I worked as a part time nanny for them, and lived with them, so I saw everything. They were both extremely dedicated, attentive and nurturing to their children.
It depends on the individual...having AS, or not having AS doesn't determine whether somebody will be a good parent. It depends on the individual!

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Oh Jends..... Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You know how you hear about people who give their testimony and change the life of another? Well... you have done that for me.
Don't EVER let anyone talk down the beauty that you see in your relationship. Tonight I was looking for hope for my marriage, and was only met with the most awful negativity on the internet. But you have given given me hope. You expressed what I see in my husband, at a time when I couldn't see it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

AS is not a mental illness so why don't you educate yourself before dishing out advice?

I don't understand why so many women are stating that they stay married to Asperger men because 'he's a good provider' but they don't get along at all and the wives almost hate the guys. I think it's wrong to stay married to someone just because 'They are providing' for you.. What the heck is that all about? That to me is called 'living a lie'. I could never sit there and act like I like somebody just because they are 'providing' for me. I'd rather be dead than play that game. However, I might be in the minority because I've read time and time again that so many women just marry these guys because they have good jobs and they can tolerate them. This must be the art of 'catching a husband'. It's not my cup of tea that's for sure.

One of the qualities I liked about my husband before we married was that he was a hard worker/good provider. these were just two of the qualities I loved about him and married him for many other reasons. I am the one that is the "true provider" financially in the marriage. I don't stay married because my husband is a good provider but because I love my husband and made a committment to stay married to him. I don't think people here hate their spouses or as you said, they would not stay with them. In fact, it is the very opposite. We love our spouses so much that we desire to fight and struggle with our own feelings and our spouses confusing behavior to assimilate a normalcy. By speaking with others. and venting our very real feelings we can get the validation we need to continue this struggle so we can be loving spouses. Hope this helps you understand. Also, many of the things we struggle with in marriage were not obvious issues when dating. Many wives did not realize what they were getting so to speak. That does not mean that we don't love them. In fact, I feel a deep love for my husband since we have struggled so much and continue to struggle. Each time I try to encounter who my husband is and see things we way he sees them I become less selfish and we grow closer together. I know in his own way he tries to meet my needs via very unconventional means. But what matters is that he is trying; and that is love. I just have to be able to see it.

usually women who have been burnt by NS men, will stay with AS men and forgoe the natural connection that usually happens with NS men n women. because it requires less headaches and effort to trust a AS man supposedly!! mind you there is no scientific fact to support this just charactristics noted in typical aspie behaviour. people that have AS may not be the same. Most women living with aspies do in some way - live a lie. they pretend his outburst isnt that bad or unexceptable...his excused for emotionally abusing their partner because they have AS
bullshit... its never acceptable somewhere along the way, through neglect and not enough studies done just yet... AS get told its unmanagable and somehow given a unspoken hall pass' TO PUSH BOUNDERIES and not learn to be aware of them, because its been put forward they have a micro chip missing when it comes to emotions...they get a hall pass! well explain how aspies can feel or get angry ( angers an emotion) empathy!!! no they cant see that because maybe just friggn maybe... no one has bothered to come up with an effective technique to help them with this. no one has faith in studies to do with AS cuz the stigma of it being on the other spectrum of autism.

Every person with Aspergers is not necessarily like the next person with Aspergers. Just like NT’s, they’re all different. You feel that your husband gives something back to you. That’s so important! But we have to respect that experiences of others might be drastically different. Some people out there are truly being abused and they’re SCARED. These people need encouragement to get OUT of the situation they are in. I know this to be true because I have been in that position.

a voice of reason, thank you.

Uh, wait til you've been married 30+ years. No sex. No intimacy of ANY kind. And his marriage is basically to the TV. lol...I don't enjoy being anyone's mother anymore, much less a 60 yr.old.

I am the guy with AS. After 40 years, you, the NT wife, may no longer be able to tolerate having sex with the guy who doesn't know how to respond to or initiate a romantic situation. Because, sex requires a lot more than plumbing. It has been ages since we have been on the same page regarding sex. As my wife says, "You don't give me any reason to want to sleep with you."
She spends four or five evenings a week at activities and with friends. She is getting what she needs outside of the marriage. Sometimes she says that she will be here or there with this friend or that friend. Sometimes she just tell me that she will be out.
That is our future. Someday she may leave but she has been threatening to leave for all of the 40 years and is still here. We will see, eh?

honestly! dude no one should ever have to feel like they need to seek satisfaction outside the marriage...let alone put up with someone finding so much joy outside of the marriage, but i suppose it suits an aspie. am i wrong?

I feel for you on that

sad... that he has taken your best years and ploked them in front of the TV.
you only live once

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Oh wow its so good to know I am not alone. I feel so drained, so fed up , so exhausted and tired. I miss th eadult interaction, the childish ways become tiresome and never ending. Just this week I have set up a wee website where I intend to provide some sort of support and a way to voice my own problems. Please feel free to have a look

sometimes, i can almost swear he misses me.

I used to ask him if he missed me when I went to see family ( in 6 yrs he met my family on about 5 occasions). He'd reply "I can tell ur not around".

and you take that and you keep it close because that's as close to " i miss you " as you'll genuinely get. T_T