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Hope: 5 Stages Of Loss

I am going to start this by explaining that I am a nurse.  I am married to a man I believe has asperger's.  He is not diagnosed, but fits the description perfectly and every quiz he has taken (or I have taken for him) has confirmed my suspicions. Suddenly all the weirdness of my married life makes sense. AhHa moment. and then OH my dear LORD! Now What?!  I started this journey three years ago. I felt that there were lots of things going on that could be explained by aspergers . . .or I could just be married to an eccentric jerk that has beautiful moments?  I basically isolated myself, became depressed, and held all my feelings inside myself.  Who could I talk too who would listen or not think I was crazy?  I became angry at my husband holding things against him.  Like the time I told him that I had a miscarriage.  Lost our CHILD! His response," we could not afford a child". Then he did not talk to me for a week.  After that he never mentioned the situation.  I hated him for that, for the rude comments, for the stupid things he did.  I would yell horrible things just to see if I could find any emotion. I stopped the anger and would think . .. it must be my fault.  If only I had not said that . . . done that . . . If I could just teach him how to act . . .etc.  Finally I have come to accept that my husband is different and he won't change.  I'm ok with that.  Now, looking back I see how my marriage so far has been a mourning process.  The last three years I have been mourning a normal marriage.  In nursing school I learned Elsabeth Kubler-Ross's "The five stages of loss and grief."  Denial and Isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  It is funny how looking back on life expereinces can give you a different perspective based on the information you learn.  At first I was fearful of "a diagnosis" which meant change could not occur. Then I wanted and wished for a diagnosis so I would have validation and because otherwise I could not imagine living with this person anymore.  Now I don't care if he ever gets diagnosed.  I have really struggled, and still struggle; I know two things.  These things keep me going. 1.) my husband is a good person whom I chose to love 2.) Divorce is and will never be an option for me.
Every marriage is difficult and it does not matter who you married to or what diagnosis they may or may not have.  There are beautiful aspects of being married to a man with aspergers. 

1.) My husband says embarrassing things sometimes to people, but sometimes he tells people things they need to hear. Things I wish I could tell people. Sometimes I need to hear the truth and I should let it make me a better person. 
2.) My husband is so needy and clingy at times it is frustrating however, many of my friends are worried or have caught their husbands cheating on them.  I know my husband will NEVER cheat on me. I am pretty sure if we ever broke up he would still ask me for advice or live alone in a hole.  He needs me and well, I have to admit . . . I love being needed.
3.) My husband may be obsessive with his interests, but he is one of the smartest people I have ever met.
4.) He may act "strange" sometimes; but I love how he finds pleasure in simple things such as candles and hates sports because they are "pointless".
5.) Sometimes I might get annoyed, but I love that my husband is so honest.
6.) I may not always understand how my husband thinks, but he is way more interesting this way.
7.) my husband may not hug or kiss much,or understand why buying gifts is not stupid to ME; but I can't count the number of times he has done things because I wanted too even though he thought they were stupid.
8.) at times he acts like a child and I hate feeling like I have to be his mother, but if I join in on the child-like behaviors there is something very fun and freeing about the experience.

Love is making a choice to do things for another person even if it is difficult.  I am learning that while I get annoyed and frustrated by my husband I think things must be so much harder for him to do things I take for granted . . like have a conversation.  It makes me proud of him and love him for the fact that he is married and holds down a job.  In some way, he must love me so much more than I can know to fight every day to learn and try to act "normal" to make me happy. 

I understand marriage or dating or talking to someone with aspergers is hard, but there are too many people that have a depressing view that things can't be fixed or worked out.  So many people give advice like "BAIL NOW WHILE YOU CAN", it just gets harder  . .. . . I have stayed in this marriage too long . . . blah, blah. who  is the hurtful selfish one in the relationship?  I look at the fact that my husband can't change how he thinks of the world, but he STILL tries to make me happy when it does not make sense to him.  When he hurts my feelings by ACCIDENT, can't I at least forgive him? It really is not hard to make him happy. All I have to do is ask him about his interests, give him space, or find him a good smelling candle etc.

There is hope. I may not have handled it with grace so far . . but we have made it three years and I am looking forward to more.  We may not have a "normal" marriage, but I would not change my decision.  If you loved someone and got married and found out they had cancer would you leave them?  why with aspergers would you leave them?

There is hope is grace and love. Live out LOUD.  The more problems you have to overcome in your marriage, the better marriage it is, the more beautiful. There is beauty in greasy puddles if you look for the rainbow.
jends jends 26-30 48 Responses Jan 30, 2012

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I'm struggling to learn to live with my husband. He makes very poor choices and "lies" to me. More a battle of logic, because he does not see it as being dishonest. He is working with a counselor. I feel extremely guilty because I do see how his mind works and I can follow how and why he does things, but in the end I'm being emotionally jerked around in a way that is unhealthy. Every marriage is difficult, but when do you stop being a door mat. Sigh...Thank you for your input. There is so much I do love about my husband, but he causes melodrama after melodrama and his hiding the truth (to protect me) has done some real damage. I feel sorry for him. I want so much to be close to him, but the frequency of the dishonesty and 7 year of marriage and still the same issues....I don't know....sigh.....he also makes commitment about things that are important (finances) then fails to follow through and does not tell me. I have to be honest, living with him is the most stressful part of my life.

Married 20 years to an aspie we have two wonderful teenagers one is aspie as well! Love is shown in so many different ways! For the first few years i was in honeymoon phase. Then the next 10 the kids were babies and he was working and not available to help, emotionally i was a wreck. The past 5 years have been discovery! My son was diagnosed and it opened my eyes! Your absolutely right about trust! We are in this together and it may not look like what everyone else wants it to but its ours and its awesome! I do get lonely when especially hormonal but I've found comfort in other ways! My kids are great! My hubby and i spend tons of time together!

This was awesome. I'm so glad I read this. saving it to read whenever one of those "times" hit.

I'm relieved I stepped out a of relationship with a guy I am sure has Asperger's. There was no attention, not much affection, no comfort, no care, no warmth. It was al about him. After almost a year after the break up I still love him with all my heart, but the loneliness hurt too much. I do feel for him though... a lot.

Thanks for this. My aspie husband just said something so hurtful to me before leaving for a business trip, leaving me so angry and upset. I've been stewing for hours and after reading this I feel better. It's not his fault.

I was in a six year relationship with the exact same guy....guess what happens in the end? He cheats on u for the thousandths time...and if u live in val verde ca. Honey....he already cheated on u when u first got togetherand he told me everything about u and what he did with u like besties...LEAVE HIM IT JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE

Hey, so I have Aspergers. I am a 17 year old female teenager, and I want to say thank you so much for your story. It has made me cry, but don't feel bad. They are happy/relieved tears. Since I have been diagnosed I have had a fear of how anyone I date would be affected by my being an Aspie, I have only had 2 boyfriends. Even though both so far accepted my quirks, one did not know how to understand my reasoning, for that. I broke up with my first boyfriend. Now dating someone else, he seems to understand, or at least like you try and pray and do his best to understand and accept and work through anything that disrupts our relationship. I know I am young and it most likely won't be forever, but his compassion and our conversations along with your story reassure me that there are people in the world who can handle or love and accept an Aspie.

I thank you for writing this story. It not only shows how much one can care for someone they love and work at the relationship and do what it takes, but also show how somethings I do can affect my loved ones. I never realized that some of my reactions may be the cause of an argument or upset them, I shall work on that as well to be sure to try to discuss it with them. My boyfriend and I now, have already promised, and so far are, to discuss and let each other know of anything that concerns us so we can strengthen our understanding of each other and what our relationship needs and what we need to try to work on.

Though my saying that people who can handle. . . its sad somewhat, that us Aspies can cause our loved ones such anguish,pain,and frustration unknowingly. We dislike hurting people we care about, even if we don't really show it how most people expect. Most likely your husband didn't talk to you for about a week after your miscarriage (so sorry :/ ) because he saw/recognized somehow that you were not acting like you normally do and since he did not know how to accept the change in your behavior, distanced hisself somewhat. I luckily can read some body language and expressions by working extremely hard and having therapy, but even when I can't and before I could, If there was a change in someone's normal behavior or routine I would notice, and then I would back away become distance so I could try to understand the cause of the change so I could make it go back to how it was before. Sure all Aspies, obviously, are not alike, but this is how I see it.

I am sorry for the length, but thank your again and I wish you the best in your marriage as well as the strength to continue everyday and I hope that your husband also can continue to work with you to raise your kids and nurture your mirage.

Thank you, it is never easy for either of us. Here are some things that have helped us, and I hope they help you. 1. Watch laugh your way to a better marriage seminar on youtube. We did the flagpage and it helped us to understand each other better. 2. we started the 40 bead method and it has dramatically changed our marriage, because sex was an issue for us. My husband does not know how to communicate or initiate. Hopefully this is not as big of an issue for you. 3. He chose a time each week 1 hour block of time to listen to my concerns. I just write down and remember things I have issues with and then he listens to my examples of how to make things better, instead of me getting frustrated and us having a onesided fight where he just slams a door in my face ect. He calls it our weekly emotional hour.

Thanks, I shall view the video, don't have much of an issue communicating, as much as us understanding each others ways of communicating. It is getting better, because I am tired of getting constantly frustrated so we now explain longer until we think we both understand. I have no clue about the 40 bead method, and not sure I want to know, but thank you for all your suggestions. I hope you two continue to improve in all aspects that are difficult/troublesome :)

Thanks, I think? But, yeah, I have been told that before. I have just gone through a lot already, even living basically by myself. I do have a roommate though :)

Thanks, you too!

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I can't believe how selfish you people are. People with aspergers have a disability. Would you leave your spouse or wish them dead if they had diabetes or heart surgery and you had to help them with medications or depression? I understand feeling frustrated, these feelings have pushed me to try harder. Marriage is sacrifice no matter what the issues are. After reading these comments I pity the poor aspies married to you! Your challenge is to learn his ways of communicating. Why does it only have to be your way. My husband might have aspergers and had a really difficult transition into fatherhood. I really had to be the boss and lay down the line. Ie, make your children your obsession instead of books Etc. But now he is an amazing father.every day is a challenge but there are rewards too. I am a more patient, better person and so is he. One thing that I found to help me was called laugh your way to a better marriage/doing a flag page and the bead method works well for us. These are very passive ways for him to communicate but still helps to meet our needs and create understanding. I joined this website to find others to create an encouraging envirnment so we don't have to be alone. I did not join to listen to this selfish angry pitiful nagging. If you need to leave your marriage, then leave but i doubt with your attitude you will find more happiness elsewhere.

I can't remember a day when I didn't wish my Aspie husband would die.

that is harsh but its a reality of thinking with many partners of aspie men. its the truth! most wives think that way after being tourmented by their husbands who refuse to seek help to better cope with aspergers. Too many women think they are helping them by being silent punching bags and doing so much more work to figure them out be patient etc than an aspie. all an aspie does is just be... no filtering etc just the bullshit notion thats it... they cant help it they cant manage it... which instantly gives them a lazy hall pass to continue to disengage and becoming further isolated, unaware and alone. greatest injustice you can do for an aspie is to be there doormat! how else will they learn... amazingly if you gave aspies half the credit they deserve... they can actually adapt. its hard work for both you and them but they are capable of it. have faith.

Thank you for this. The only other thing that would come before this is that I have a child from a previous relationship. If this will put him a bad spot I must move on. This did help though, so thanks.

Your post is a little over a year old, and I hope that you have continued to find happiness and acceptance of the limitations of your marriage. Every marriage is of choice, but I do hope that you do not bring children into your marriage. Children require nurturing beyond your capacity to handle it on your own. As a NT spouse, there is only so much I can do to mitigate the effects of my husband's neurological limitations that prevent "normal" attachments. My children are suffering low self esteem and poor social relations because children cannot be expected to understand why their Dad is not responsive to their emotional needs beyond the idea that there must be something wrong with them. Even if he is willing to try to understand his own limitations, children need both parents to be healthy in order to thrive. Even my friend's children -- whose father is in end stage kidney failure -- have it better off than my own kids, because they are emotionally healthy and deeply bonded to their father. To bring a child into this world knowing that their ability to bond with their father WILL be compromised is cruel, and I never would have taken this path, for their sake, if I had known. I love my husband, and our relationship between us as adults would be as you describe.... Quirky, loyal, fun and so on. But his disability regarding nurturing, bonding and parenting is destroying our relationship. Keep it simple. NO KIDS.

kids with an AS is not reccomended.

Oh Jends..... Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You know how you hear about people who give their testimony and change the life of another? Well... you have done that for me.
Don't EVER let anyone talk down the beauty that you see in your relationship. Tonight I was looking for hope for my marriage, and was only met with the most awful negativity on the internet. But you have given given me hope. You expressed what I see in my husband, at a time when I couldn't see it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

AS is not a mental illness so why don't you educate yourself before dishing out advice?

I don't understand why so many women are stating that they stay married to Asperger men because 'he's a good provider' but they don't get along at all and the wives almost hate the guys. I think it's wrong to stay married to someone just because 'They are providing' for you.. What the heck is that all about? That to me is called 'living a lie'. I could never sit there and act like I like somebody just because they are 'providing' for me. I'd rather be dead than play that game. However, I might be in the minority because I've read time and time again that so many women just marry these guys because they have good jobs and they can tolerate them. This must be the art of 'catching a husband'. It's not my cup of tea that's for sure.

One of the qualities I liked about my husband before we married was that he was a hard worker/good provider. these were just two of the qualities I loved about him and married him for many other reasons. I am the one that is the "true provider" financially in the marriage. I don't stay married because my husband is a good provider but because I love my husband and made a committment to stay married to him. I don't think people here hate their spouses or as you said, they would not stay with them. In fact, it is the very opposite. We love our spouses so much that we desire to fight and struggle with our own feelings and our spouses confusing behavior to assimilate a normalcy. By speaking with others. and venting our very real feelings we can get the validation we need to continue this struggle so we can be loving spouses. Hope this helps you understand. Also, many of the things we struggle with in marriage were not obvious issues when dating. Many wives did not realize what they were getting so to speak. That does not mean that we don't love them. In fact, I feel a deep love for my husband since we have struggled so much and continue to struggle. Each time I try to encounter who my husband is and see things we way he sees them I become less selfish and we grow closer together. I know in his own way he tries to meet my needs via very unconventional means. But what matters is that he is trying; and that is love. I just have to be able to see it.

usually women who have been burnt by NS men, will stay with AS men and forgoe the natural connection that usually happens with NS men n women. because it requires less headaches and effort to trust a AS man supposedly!! mind you there is no scientific fact to support this just charactristics noted in typical aspie behaviour. people that have AS may not be the same. Most women living with aspies do in some way - live a lie. they pretend his outburst isnt that bad or unexceptable...his excused for emotionally abusing their partner because they have AS
bullshit... its never acceptable somewhere along the way, through neglect and not enough studies done just yet... AS get told its unmanagable and somehow given a unspoken hall pass' TO PUSH BOUNDERIES and not learn to be aware of them, because its been put forward they have a micro chip missing when it comes to emotions...they get a hall pass! well explain how aspies can feel or get angry ( angers an emotion) empathy!!! no they cant see that because maybe just friggn maybe... no one has bothered to come up with an effective technique to help them with this. no one has faith in studies to do with AS cuz the stigma of it being on the other spectrum of autism.

Every person with Aspergers is not necessarily like the next person with Aspergers. Just like NT’s, they’re all different. You feel that your husband gives something back to you. That’s so important! But we have to respect that experiences of others might be drastically different. Some people out there are truly being abused and they’re SCARED. These people need encouragement to get OUT of the situation they are in. I know this to be true because I have been in that position.

a voice of reason, thank you.

Uh, wait til you've been married 30+ years. No sex. No intimacy of ANY kind. And his marriage is basically to the TV. lol...I don't enjoy being anyone's mother anymore, much less a 60 yr.old.

I am the guy with AS. After 40 years, you, the NT wife, may no longer be able to tolerate having sex with the guy who doesn't know how to respond to or initiate a romantic situation. Because, sex requires a lot more than plumbing. It has been ages since we have been on the same page regarding sex. As my wife says, "You don't give me any reason to want to sleep with you."
She spends four or five evenings a week at activities and with friends. She is getting what she needs outside of the marriage. Sometimes she says that she will be here or there with this friend or that friend. Sometimes she just tell me that she will be out.
That is our future. Someday she may leave but she has been threatening to leave for all of the 40 years and is still here. We will see, eh?

honestly! dude no one should ever have to feel like they need to seek satisfaction outside the marriage...let alone put up with someone finding so much joy outside of the marriage, but i suppose it suits an aspie. am i wrong?

I feel for you on that

sad... that he has taken your best years and ploked them in front of the TV.
you only live once

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Oh wow its so good to know I am not alone. I feel so drained, so fed up , so exhausted and tired. I miss th eadult interaction, the childish ways become tiresome and never ending. Just this week I have set up a wee website where I intend to provide some sort of support and a way to voice my own problems. Please feel free to have a look www.imarriedaspergers.webs.com

sometimes, i can almost swear he misses me.

I used to ask him if he missed me when I went to see family ( in 6 yrs he met my family on about 5 occasions). He'd reply "I can tell ur not around".

and you take that and you keep it close because that's as close to " i miss you " as you'll genuinely get. T_T

I have read all the posts and one thing I come away with more than any other is - how much longer can I take of this! I have been married 35 years to an Aspie but can you believe it only really discovered he was one two years ago. When you all say, now his weird unemotional behavior all makes sense, so totally it's the nail on the head!

He's a surgeon, but can barely function in daily life when it come to dealing with others. Sometimes I feel like his interpreter, others his mother. He is a great financial provider but has been a terrible husband, no sense of what I feel or need, always disregarding my feelings, ,and thoughts as wrong. No emotional support at all. We have not slept together for years, and no sex for at least 2 or more. Who would want to have sex with a man who has no idea what you need or want? His parenting skills have been even worse. Anger, yelling, belittling our daughters, or worse yet never over all the years they were in college calling them. In capable of having a close relationship with any one.

My advise to anyone thinking of leaving is DO IT NOW. It only gets worse. You feel small, alone and stupid. They suck all your energy out of you. Yes there are good qualities, the smartest man I know, his honesty while brutal at times to others is refreshing, a keen sense of humor when drinking, does not make up for all the feelings and years lost.

Every year I wanted to leave, we'd argue and i say one more year. Well one more year of hell, gets clouded over by those few happy times, birthdays, holidays, beautiful restful days when he can relax, and before you know it, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, now 35 have gone by. I have had multiple relationships outside of my marriage to just fill the emptiness in my marriage.

Don't think how you can adapt, you never can. It only gets easier because each day, month and year you give even more of your inner true self, until like me know, I wonder what I ever really wanted out of life. You begin to forget little things that make life happy because you have blocked them from your world knowing they are impossible to obtain with your Aspie.

Get out, life your life, you have only one! If I have saved even one person from the lifeless marriage, the arguing, the head banging, the wasted days of crying when he doesnt even give a darn, then these wasted years of mine will have been worth it. Good Luck and love yourself above all else.

As noted above, I am the AS guy. **
My A.A. friends tell me, it is the responsibility of the NT spouse to do what is right for her/him. That is not an excuse for the AS spouse to misbehave. On the other hand, all of the bluesky's comments are true in many relationships & it is in mine. I don't intend to be difficult and pretty much only my nuclear family and those they share with (and they do share!) are aware of how difficult it can be.
Don't wait for the AS spouse to bail. In my case, I know that I will not improve my quality of life without this NT spouse of nearly 40 years.
If she did leave, I would understand. In fact she has been threatening to leave me for all of those 40 years. 30 years ago I would have felt betrayed but not since.
Why does she stay? I haven't a clue. She says financial reasons and it would impact our standard of living but would not put either of us in poverty. After all this time, what I earn would still be half hers. That is only right.
Any ideas?

your a sure thing... she prob thinks u wont cheat on her cuz you have AS and cant be bothered risking it with a NS man long term because apparently they a more unpredictable disloyal and unreliable. Your wife probably thinks shes knows all the pros and cons of both AS and NS men as she has a preconcieved idea of this in her head already. Some women reach a point where they believe deep down that its ok to forgoe ns connection for loyality and someone that can Provide. its a sellout tactic and its sad but a woman scorned and cheated on in her past will settle for loyality and dedicator any day over settling with a runaway romantic or over social over booked douchebag anyday. despite craving that connection and romance.

You will change your mind over time. You will become alone and lonely in your marriage as well as resentful, angry and depressed. The friends will be no more. You will crave something that will never be there and then you will be middle-aged and see that it has only gotten worse or is it just that YOU have changed. I am there. Scared and terribly lonely. I wish you well but have your eyes open.

I have already been like this for years; I am not in denial- I am past that stage and am just trying to look at life in a different way. I hope you can too. Grace from God is enough to get anyone through anything. I just have to be humble enough to accept it. Seeking council for MYSELF, and not to try and "fix" his issues (which will never be done) has helped. I have been able to get validation and acceptance this way so I can bear his issues with more grace now. The learning continues.

Having been married to an Aspie husband for 23 years, I respectfully disagree. I believe you are in denial. These people never used logic to totally screw up their spousal relationship, and they will never be using logic to fix it. In the meantime, the life of wife is a terrible thing to waste.

I feel your pain.........it helped to get some books on the subject. Specifically, 22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome by Rudy Simone. But be prepared, it is discouraging as well. I am now living with my boyfriend who I suspect has AS but after 3 months of butting heads, I am frightened I am going to loose him because he is SO obtuse and insensitive. We dated for years first and I thought that would help. NOT!

Rin, I hope that things get better for you. I am the daughter, cousin, sister and mother of people with Aspergers, so I can relate. But your experience can be one that helps others, and you might find that what you’ve been through has a purpose...

Has anybody figured out how to deal, when you love him, but there is no way in a million years, he would acknowledge his Asperger's? I would like to know, specifically, is it possible for him to ever understand my point of view and that he isn't ALWAYS right? I too am getting depressed despite his positives.............

If you marry this person and stick around for about 23 years, you will discover they don't really have positives, except for maybe being a good provider. I would bet you ten of my life he will NEVER validate you by letting you be right, or giving a flip about your point of view. Why water time. When you discover these traits, GET OUT while you can. The best analogy I can give for a woman dating a man with Aspergers: its like a little girl pretending to smoke a candy cigarette, which turns out to be a stock of lighted dynamite. Been married to an Aspie engineer for 23 years. Take note of how they only talk about tasks and objects, and never your emotional well being.

I totally agree with you

Being that my husband has stuck through some pretty cruddy imperfections of my own as well as my own baggage from my perceptions of what "expressing love is" given to me from my childhood...I feel really blessed, tired somedays, frustrated others but I get to choose my attitude and Trusting in what is unseen is what Faith is all about. If I already new what would happen each day, then I am unable to serve from a place that God delivers when I lean on his will..not my own. Do I always do this, NOPE...am I trying, YEP and guess what, he is too. Here is the deal, I look at what I fell in love with 12 years ago, compare those things to now and realize he really hasn't changed. He is the man who would do anything I asked, BUT I have to ask...not presume he gets it. I talked about what I wanted then and he delivered. I often forget that I don't communicate my needs to him and when he says "I don't understand" he just doesn't understand and probably won't. BUT, what he does understand is my father leaving me as a very young girl, my living in 3 different households before I was 13yo. So I decided, look at what he does do and ask him for what he doesn't and last of all, I asked him to write down on a piece of paper what he likes, loves and thinks about when he thinks of me. This is what I read when he can't express it because you see...he doesn't change with emotions, he makes a decision and dedicated himself to that...what a BLESSING!

On a good day, this has become the way I am trying to think and behave toward my husband. With emphasis on " trying."Today is not a good day. Thank you for this post because it reminds me that I have a choice on how to view our relationship. There is hope. There is a lot of good to be had with my husband. After 20 years, I get so exhausted. I understand that he cannot process feelings and emotions of his own, let alone understand mine and respond appropriately. I have not really accepted this...or rather I HAVE and the question is : Do I want to continue? Right now I think it has gotten about as good as it's gonna get. There is always going to be a struggle for me with intimacy, affection, and loneliness. Take away the aspie problem, and underneath is another killer for the relationship department and that is alcoholism. I am not laying the alcoholism blame at his feet. We both have alcoholism in our family. He is a recovering alcoholic that does not go to meetings anymore. I have been in the other camp quite awhile. I know that I am ACOA, and go to meetings regularly. I am frustrated today. Poor poor me. Thats all folks.

"The more problems you have to overcome in your marriage, the better marriage it is" - I have never thought of it that way in all the 30 years I have been married to my chap. It's amazing how a different perspective can jolt you out of your circular thinking! Thank you for that comment. My guy is very like yours. I guess, never having been in another marriage, I didn't fully realize that there might actually be an upside to marriage to an aspie and that others might even envy me! :)

I, too, have had a rocky family life since marriage, (40 years) and since I ran across an article about Asperger's two years ago, I realized that my husband and daughter (now grown) must have it. I have not mentioned it to either of them, since they would be angry and defensive that I would suspect this. (My husband's brother is bi-polar and schizophrenic, and his grandfather was in a mental institution in his 50s, after the death of his wife.) I have mentioned my suspicion to a family member and a close friend, but they were both angry with me that I would think such a thing, (although they have always thought that my husband and daughter act oddly) so no support there.... All of the examples I have been reading about that were written by spouses of Aspies have been examples of what I have lived through over the years, both with a spouse and a child -- the inability to look people in the eye, the obsession with a single interest, the chronic depression in my daughter, the inability to see another's viewpoint or needs, the aversion to loud noises, the repetitive odd behaviors, the social awkwardness, inappropriately talking about themself at length in social situations, the total lack of interest in other people, etc. So I am beginning my research into Aspergers after 40 years of thinking it was just me. This post is the first one I have seen with a positive slant to it, and to the author I am so grateful. Among the odd behavior, embarrassing social events, being oblivious to my needs, etc., I will be looking for the positive things also.

I too have been with my husband for 39 challanging years (have 2 grown children). I too, recently learned he is most likely Aspie. It all makes sence now. I always knew something was wrong but never could put my finger on it. It helps to know its not just me and he's not mean on purpose.But it was easier when we had a clearly defined purpose and roles. We face all new challanges now that he is retired and both of us are unhealthy.

I am also grateful to those who have posted with positive things to say, especially the ones who point out the good things about being married to an aspergers guy (I don't really like the term "aspie"). I've often been down on myself for staying married for 30-plus years to someone I don't understand, but I do see there are positive aspects. I also see that I don;'t have to take responsibility for or worry about the sometimes odd/embarrassing behaviour any more! I'm glad to know there are other people like you who have been married for a long time and who have decided to keep at it, as I have. Just knowing you are out there makes me feel better. As they say, Hang in there!

I used to think this way, and honestly, you make good points. But I keep blowing up, crying, getting depressed - feeling stranded on this deserted island of Aspergers. I can't go on living this way, being discounted and having my needs disregarded or mocked. Maybe others can stay, but one of us needs to go before we destroy each other.

I feel the same way. I have been trying so hard for so long, I don't know how much longer I can do this. Nothing changes. I feel your pain; I am so sorry.

Thank you for this positive response on being married to an Aspie, I am also, and these types of posts help me personally to press onward and focus back on the good when the bad is weighing me down.

I should add a seperation is part of the healing process

I am an aspie working hard to save my marriage after all the hurt I have caused my wife! Please tell me I hav a chance!

I think you always have a chance. I can stand my husband's lack of emotion and odd displays and such. what has made it difficult for my marriage is his harassment and yelling. This is what breaks my heart and makes me not want to be with him. He did not do those things when we were dating. Now he does them everyday. saying you are sorry and meaning it can go a long way though. My husband rarely does that.

Well, at least I can see I'm not alone! I have recently realized that my daughter has Aspergers and in learning about aspergers I realized that my husband does too. At first I felt so relieved! This explained so much! I'm not married to an *** who doesn't care! However, the grief has set in. I know I will get thru it like any other challenge but it is so hard right now because he is fighting hard to controll me and isolate me from any one other than our to teens. He has always made it hard for me to be around other people especially my family. I am just so hurt, sad, angry, frustrated, hopeless, angry(yes it is in the list twice I'm really Angry!)