Finally Facing This Relationship From His Perspective...

I have read so many stories from other women, married or in a relationship with an Aspie. There was a time that I would have identified with some women and we were exactly at the same experience as when they posted. I have been there many times. But as it is with Asperger's, they are all just as different as they are the same.

My husband is a quiet and gentle sort of man. When he gets annoyed or mad, he withdraws. Unlike many Aspie men who may show outward signs of anger, like yelling or verbally abusive attacks. My husband seems to be aware of what is considered allowed reactions and what is thought to be "acceptable" flaws in others. He may not be aggressive when someone else makes what he considers a "mistake",  because he knows logically that the rest of the world sees that as something "not a big deal" ... but his reaction is to withdraw and get very quiet and want to hermit away from the "offender"  as a way to avoid losing his temper and being someone considered "mean for no real reason"    Example would be, someone uses the fingernail clippers and does not put them back where they got them... his response is to NOT to flip out, and when asked what is wrong (he withdrew so we know something is) he will gladly tell us what is bothering him and what he thinks is "not so hard to just  etc" and yes we can tell he is angry, and yes we all may not care or get angry about the same type thing he does,  so somehow he has learned to alter what he wants to do (get mad and yell at everyone including the offender) because it is not appropriate and will be rejected by those he loves. So he will instead respond privately, in his mind, and in that way he will not feel "like the crazy one" and will not hurt others he cares for in ways that many Aspies do. His control was one of the things I found most attractive about him. His kindness and gentle treatment of others, even when he was annoyed or angry, was part of what made me trusting and feel safe with him after experiencing a physically and emotionally abusive marriage immediately before we got together.

That is one example of how he is different from some male Aspie partners, but not all of them. He also learned to suppress his compulsive gestures and repetitive actions, the ones that were ridiculed and rejected throughout his childhood and teen years as "weird" ..... but sometimes when he is comfortable or alone with close loved ones. he still does his repetitive hand movements and paces while having to be on the phone.  Mostly presenting as nervous habits that he doesn't suppress unless someone can see them who may make fun of him for it.

 He is similar to others in many, many other ways.  He is not comfortable with emotions. Others expressing them to one another, or to him .... he is not able to express his own either, unless he is intoxicated or under the influence of marijauna. But even then it may come across as different than AT people, but the effort made would be how he acts differently when his inhibitions and anxiety is "medicated". there is such a slight difference that only someone who has known him 20+ years like I have would be able to tell there is a difference. Sober and unaltered, he does not even attempt to express them. He is aware that he will be rejected aka misunderstood. He is a person with feelings that can be hurt, even though his experiences socially are not the same as others perceive the same interactions....

I am not ready to express what it is like to be in love with him, try to maintain a relationship with him... as in what it feels like to know he is doing his best, trying his hardest, and full of love the way he feels it, BUT to also be hurt myself, depressed, lonely and resentful of having to pick up all the slack he leaves... to feel I am alone in this marriage even though he is clearly making super Aspie effort to connect with us the way we want from him. Even knowing his limits, and accepting his flaws, and loving him For the amazing man he is, not wanting him to change into someone different.... even on our very best day as a family, sometimes I still just want to cry and feel empty and unworthy. I still feel like I am at fault, that I am not lovable enough... that if I could find a magic wand and wave it, he would somehow be suddenly able to ask me out on a date and tell me how much I mean to him and say and do all the romantic stuff other husbands can... and even though we can have a healthy sex life, with a magic wand the emotions and passions would be able to occur as one. Then maybe I would stop feeling like an object he wants, and is maneuvering appropriately but cold seeming, to believe he feels something I can't stop suspecting he is pretending to feel. Because he functionally adjusts to be accepted and "normal" I fear that he has Zero feelings for me, but is good at faking them when he has to. 18 years I have loved him "the ways he best understands", and I still sometimes wish he showed me love in the ways I can understand too. And somehow I am the one who feels guilty after all is said and done.... why?
jane32 jane32
8 Responses May 6, 2012

Jane- Here are some things I would tell my spouse, if only I knew how too. I need you because I love you. I have a connection with you that I never imagined possible for me to have with another human being. I know sometimes you think I love you because I need you but, I often don't pay attention to my basic needs, don't like people in my physical space, and have a difficult time dealing with emotions. If I loved you because I needed you -I probably would be the last person to know it. I go to a lot of work, try to understand your nonsense, and attend to your needs when you articulate them to me in a way I can understand. Sometimes, I get so emotional about our relationship, I shut down. I may have a calm detached exterior but my interior is rich, abundant, and active. I do not know how to invite you in there. I would like too so you know it is impossible for me to lie to you. So you know how loyal I am to you. So you know I would walk a thousand miles to make you happy because you are so precious to me. You are the unicorn I never expected to see! Magical, wondrous, and sometimes you do not seem real. I spend everyday afraid I will say something to hurt you. I will do something to anger you. I will be a disappointment to you. I do not know how to handle those feelings. You are the very last person I want to hurt or disappoint. I have spent a lifetime being the odd-ball, outcast, one who doesn't fit in. With you I have a place I fit. I have another human being I can connect with. I have a window to the outside world. I wish I knew how to tell you. When I try it comes out jumbled. It comes out flat. It comes out inadequate. I can't process inadequate as I am use to feeling that way. So I don't tell you because I do not want to ruin that moment where my chest might burst from the love I feel for you. I stay silent. I think, surely you must know! I do not let many people into my world, my physical space, my thoughts. You must be special. When I can, and when I wrapped in the feeling of it, I tell you I love you. I only wish you knew how much.<br />
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I can write it out but, articulating it is difficult. As a person with ASD, you know...we are horrible at acting! ;.)

I contacted dr.marnish@yahoo. com to know if he can help return my ex boyfriend home cus we been broken up for a month in a relationship for 8 years, i never knew what dr.marnish can do at the first time, i was doubting his powers, he said my lover will come back in 3 days time, everything he told me happened just as he said, my lover came back, i thought it was a joke but no this love spell from dr marnish is real
Rebecca Yeatman

I was living with my husband for 5 years and everything was moving so fine. until one morning a call came in and when i picked the call, a ladies spoke to me saying he wants to speak with my husband and when i asked who she is, she said that she is a girlfriend to my husband and she asked me too who i was, for me not to curse any dispute, i lied to her, so when my husband came back i asked him he lied to me, that night i was so down, i broke in tears and left the house for finding out that my husband is cheating on me, but i loved him so much, i thought of what to do to make him love me passionately, so a friend gave me clue on what to do that i should contact spell caster, So i went into search in the Internet so fortunately i found good testimonies on how this prophet harry has helped a lot of people in my condition, so i contacted and he worked a spell on me and my husband, getting back my husband was the most important thing i was after, this spell worked like nothing I had ever seen in my life .after 3 days of the spell was casted my husband came begging me to come back home, he promised to be faithful to me and promised never to cheat on me again, I’m happy now and free. my problems are solved<br />
“I have never experienced anything like this. I never expected such a reaction. Jenny G

Hi Usernames.<br />
In my next cosmic ordering list, I am remembering to add NT.<br />
Yes, Aspies can be wonderful, and yes very loveable. But as for me, I believe a marriage to them is bordering on martyrdom. Three women I met who divorced aspies now have very large dogs???

Is there any hope for as-nt marriages ? I just hope there are some good ones out there! I need some inspiration. I don't have much hope for my marriage at the moment

Agreed Jane! When I was single and just about over the split with my ex husband.. I did a bit of what has been called "cosmic ordering".. and wrote a list of what I was "asking the universe" for in terms of a life partner. My main priorities too where Honest, Faitful and Committed... and what came along.. my partner! I (at least!) got that, in spades! :)

It is a process... I wish I had found this place years ago.... I wish there were a place like this when we first began our struggles... Just remember if you can figure out a compromise that you are both happy and both are able to have realistic expectations, that it is worth it... Even when I have a bad day and I think maybe I should bail out and try to find something easier.... I realize that nothing in love is easier it is only different.... And I wouldn't trade what we have worked our loved to becomke for something new that would be as big a risk.... the more perfect someone seems the more I would have to wonder what are they hiding.... Someone totally honest, faithful and committed to me is my highest on my list of what I want.... I wouldn't get that with someone who acts too perfect, showing too many feelings too easily....

I agree, I am very lucky to have him... he has to try ten times as hard as most people do... and he sees me as worth it.... even though he sometimes is unable to face or try at all.... cause no one is 100% for 100% of the time...<br />
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Thank you for saying so, I don't really know how my words will be inspiring or applied... I only know it has been helping me so very much to read about everyone else's experiences... and to share my own is only fair.... Now thanks to this site, I have the benefit of not feeling all alone..... so should others who relate to what I have been through and learned....

Jane your posts (this and your reply to mine) are so inspiring. You may not think they are.. but you have insights that I, at this stage in mine and my partner's relationship, can only suspect or guess at. Thank you so much for posting this. I hope I am up to the job of being the partner I want to be.. because I DO.. I think your husband is very very lucky to have you and yes you to have him