Married To Aspbergers

My first marriage was brief, and my ex-husband was very charismatic, but a pathological liar. I was a divorced single mom by the time I was 27 and was mostly single for 6 years after that. My friend had a roommate that was 8 years younger than I who later became my friend. I fell in love and had my heart broken, and then my friend became my lover and 5 years later we had a child together and soon thereafter got married. I told myself that he was stable, and balanced me, he's safe, he'll never cheat, and I love him. And it's true, I do love him, but I never know what thing I do or say will prompt him to become passive-aggressive, I don't expect his smiles to reach his eyes, and I might as well forget birthdays and holidays. When I first met him, I had un-diagnosed ADHD and my life was spinning out of control, he DID ground me, and his stability helped me to figure out what my issues are and get them diagnosed and treated. Now that I've addressed my issues I can pinpoint where my current unhappiness lies, and it is with my relationship with my husband. I am very lonely, and long for involvement and an emotional investment from my husband. I know he loves me 'in his way' but I don't know if he can give me what I need or that I have the energy to continue holding up the relationship and pretending that the crumbs of affection he doles out are enough to sustain me in the future. So, we're going to counseling on Monday for the first time in 9 years, and I'm hoping he'll respond, if not, I'll proceed with plans to be a single mom again.
lotusfemme lotusfemme
3 Responses May 14, 2012

Thanks for your story. My significant other also has Aspberger's. The hard thing that I am dealing with is the "frustration" with the disease...I am no longer judging, but I was not created with an infinite amount of patience.
It seems that is it all about him all of the time -- from where and when we eat dinner to when we make love. The planets all have to line up as I state time and again. How do I live with this syndrome and not lose who I am.
I am anxious to hear how counseling went...and do you recommend it?

I am sorry, my husband has acknowledged that he has high functioning autism, but I think he senses that my patience has worn thin, and that I'm serious about change. We are open about our issues, and in some ways it is comical that someone with ADHD ended up with someone that has aspbergers, but the tragic thing is that if he finds a way to get out of the counseling on Monday I really am out. I cannot be disappointed anymore, and I don't want our lovely, open, and affectionate daughter to experience the innumerable disappointments that I do and slowly stop loving him. Good luck to you. Perhaps he will try to see your perspective in time, if you can wait it out.

Your story speaks to me.... I am still at the stage where the wind is knocked from me and I am coming to terms with the fact that this will never get better, no matter what I do.... I still seem to have a slice of hope that this diagnosis is wrong, and that somewhere inside of him is that really really neat guy I thought I saw briefly before he fell off the face of the planet.... I know, denial denial denial.<br />
You are fortunate that yours will participate in counseling. Mine is all hung up on labels and what other people will think of him (and he may be right about that)... It has now become our 'big secret' we don't talk about EVER!.... so I live this alone and live it in silence.