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It All Makes Sense!

So, I don't remember how I decided that maybe my husband has Asperger's, maybe because I was once a teacher and learned about autism. Anyway, I really believe he does have Asperger's after reading so many stories of those poor souls married to someone who has either been diagnosed or they believe their spouse may have the disorder. I met my husband online and from the beginning there were signs, but being a hopeless romantic and stubborn, I didn't give up on him. It all began with the fact that I kept asking him questions in the emails and he never seemed to answer my questions and instead asked me questions about my family history, which is something he is fascinated with - genetics, etc. I guess it's one of his obsessions as we all know; Aspies obsess over one or two things. When looking back now at our relationship, it just makes more and more sense that all his weird behavior and actually in my opinion very rude behavior was due to Asperger’s. I blamed it sometimes on the fact that he's from a different culture and I would tell him that to an American his behavior was rude and he would state that in his culture its okay not to answer someone's question or respond to someone when they speak to you. Many times when we would talk on the phone and webcam, we ended up arguing because I would get upset that he wouldn't say much or in my eyes he was being rude. He would always tell me that he's a silent person. He also told me many times that he likes to be alone. He also said that he doesn't like to smile very much and he just in my opinion wasn't realistic about relationships. If I got upset with him, he would hang up on me, because he isn't capable of dealing with confrontation at all! He runs away even if I tell him sweetly, he views anything negative as aggressiveness or hostility and I explain to him that we need to discuss things that are not working, because communication is vital in a relationship. He doesn't agree and after a few months of being my boyfriend, as soon as I would talk to him about our relationship, he would shut down. He would tell me, "oh no, not our relationship discussion". We were long distance for over a year and communicated through email, phone, and webcam. It got to a point where I had to tell him I wanted to talk to him specific times of the day so we could have a relationship and then one day meet. It took 9 months before he finally was consistently there for my phone calls. Many times he forgot about my phone calls or something would happen and he just wasn't there when I called him. I explained to him that since we were in a long distance relationship, phone or webcam calls were our dates and when he wasn't there it hurt my feelings tremendously. He would apologize and then do it again. You may ask, why did you continue with him after all this, well, I had been single for 8 years and I guess part of it was I need attention from a man. I was almost 300 pounds and never had any responses from any men on the dating website I subscribed to. When my husband showed interest in me and said he thought I was very pretty (which I am), I guess he used some charm, which he still does sometimes and he won me over with his words. To make a long story short, we are now married and just a few days ago I finally realized why he drives me nuts sometimes, he definitely has Asperger’s. The thing is I currently don't have medical and so I can't send him to get diagnosed. He's from Argentina and his country has never diagnosed him and being his age (47), I'm sure on one knew a thing about this disorder during his childhood. The thing is I've been making a list of things that he does that are strange and fall into the Asperger’s, such as being obsessed with some things and his obsession is health/environment/pollution. He gets frantic if I clean with any soap or cleaners, I basically can't spray anything when he's around. He won't go anywhere he believes is polluted nor has smog, like big cities. He absolutely hates cars because of the emissions. When he is in my car with me, if I roll down the window, he covers his nose with a rag so he won't breathe the air, which he believes is polluted because of the cars on the highway. He won't eat or drink anything from plastic! It drives me crazy!!!! He only wants to eat organic food, which I believe is great, but only if he paid for it or if I had a job, which I don't right now. I'm an unemployed teacher and he's here on a tourist visa. He plans to return to his country to finalize his job paperwork to retire early from teaching as well, but he won't fly. He has several phobias, like heights and flying. He came to the U.S. on a cruise trip, which made everything so difficult and still does. He needs to return to his country or he will lose his job, but he refuses to get on an airplane and is waiting to get on a cruise ship to South American in either October or December. Waiting this long is a chance he is taking regarding his job. In addition to the rest of this, he behaves many times like a little boy, but he wants to be the man of the house. I tell him he can't be the man of my house until he pays half the bills here, which he replies he can't because he doesn't have a job. He does have a job, but he's on a leave and he does have plenty of money - all his family will attest to this. When I was in his country, which I visited in December and January, I found a stack of 100 American dollar bills in one of his hiding places. I couldn't believe how much money he has and he's so cheap with me. During our entire relationship - about a year and a half - he's only bought me a small jar of instant coffee when I was in Argentina. He told me when he invited me to his country that I wouldn't have to worry about anything when I got there, especially a place to stay. In fact he said he was having a house built for me. Well, some of this is true, he was having a house built, which he has planned way before he met me. The thing is, because he can't deal with conflict, the man in charge of the construction was not doing his job properly and my husband couldn't deal with the situation, so the house was never completed on time for my arrival. He has lived his entire life with his mother, father, and brother (who is either schizophrenic or autistic - but very violent at times). So, I had to stay with his family and then we went to the beach area and he made me pay for half the hotel charges, which is good actually because he really wanted me to pay for all of the hotel or do what he normally does when he goes to the beach every year - sleep on the streets and use public bathroom and fast (no eating). When he told me that he does this, I couldn't believe it!!! His mother thinks it's great because she says he returns home thinner. Sorry, but I can't sleep on the streets and fast for two weeks, maybe fast for one day, but not for weeks. I like to eat and although I've lost 80 pounds since I've met him, I did it by eating healthy and exercise, not starving myself!!!! So, let me describe more of his unusual behavior: 1) sleep disorders (insomnia or wakes up in the middle of the night for hours then returns to sleep); 2) Very shy, especially in public and even with my family (my 16 year old son and mother live in my house and all he ever says to both of them is "hello" and that's because I've told him to); 3) Very selfish in every way (doesn't ever think about doing anything for me unless I ask him to and in bed, he is so selfish); 4) He's just weird and people stare at him everywhere he goes ( he doesn't know how to dress like a normal person, he wears gardener hats when he goes out to avoid the sun - he detests the sun, but doesn't like cold weather - go figure!); 5) he's a hermit and very anti-social ( hasn't met most of my family, including my sister and brother because they live an hour away and he refuses to get in the car to drive through polluted areas and on a highway); 6) At night when I'm head to bed, he is usually watching a documentary and if I try to talk to him about anything, he gets very upset because he believes anything he's doing like watching a documentary or on the computer (he's on the computer most of the day) should not be interrupted; 7) If I get upset and cry because he hurt my feelings, he shuts down and says he doesn't like it when I'm having a nervous breakdown, instead of feeling bad and hugging and kissing me and telling me he loves me (which he does often, but in a very shallow way); 8) He never wants to kiss me passionately - maybe once for less than a minute (he says that's for teenagers and he just doesn't like to kiss); 9) He doesn't like to sleep with me, he attempts to, but in the middle of the night he goes to my huge walk in closet and sleeps there (when I ask him why, he says because he's meditating); 10) He hates loud sounds - when my friend was cutting my grass yesterday my husband locked himself in the bedroom and my mother told me he was going nuts in there because he hated the loud sound of the lawnmower (he often wears these headphones, which keep sound out); 11) He doesn't want to do anything around the house and when I ask him nicely he will try but can never do it right such as putting dishes away (I've told him where everything belongs and to no avail, he puts everything in the wrong place - bowls in the cabinet for glasses and measuring cups with bowls instead of the draw where they belong); 12) he hates chemicals so much that he won't wash a dish and he thinks he is helping me by wiping plates or cups with a napkin and putting them in the cabinets without washing them with soap and hot water (my son freaks out on occasion because he goes to the cabinet to get a glass and it's dirty with finger prints, etc.); 13) I tell him things such as don't pee on the toilet or don't put dirty dishes in the cabinet or don't get my pillow, etc. and he says he's sorry and forgets and then does it again!!!!; 14) He doesn't have common sense in so many ways, yet he's extremely intelligent and know more history than me and I have a bachelor's degree in history; 15) He has very strange eating habits - he eats an orange by chewing it and then spitting out the solid material or when he eats anything, no matter where he's at even in a restaurant (which is rare, because he hates restaurants) he spits out food if its hard or he's constantly taking pieces of the food out of his mouth - just weird!!; 16) He won't wear anything unless it's 100 percent cotton and if I'm wearing something other than cotton he doesn't want me near him; 17) He repeats stories and I tell him I heard the story and he'll still tell me the story again!; 18) He doesn't celebrate any holidays and he's Catholic (which means he should be celebrating Christmas and Easter); 19) He likes for me to say "yaaaay" and applaud him after sex or when he does something for me like sing - he says it is extremely important for him to know I'm happy with him; 20) He has unrealistic expectations of relationships, he thinks I should be sweet to him ALWAYS - I should never get upset with him, which is very difficult; 21) when I get upset with him, he tells me we should separate and he'll be returning to his country and won't return to the US - in other words, he gives up on things right away - NO EFFORT; 22) he has to always have ice in a bag or ice pack and put it near his testicles, which he isn't always discreet about inserting and taking out. Basically my husband in my opinion is either very eccentric or he has Asperger’s. As I was typing this, he came to the kitchen and made a protein shake (which he either covers his ears or runs upstairs while the blender is running) and I asked him to kill some flies that were bothering me and he said okay, but completely forgot. When I get upset with him because he forgets what I tell him, he will tell me to tell him what to say or do, because he just doesn't know what to say. He also never apologizes for bad behavior unless I tell him to apologize, which doesn't really mean anything. I found out when I was in his country that while he was my boyfriend he had several profiles on other dating sites and was chatting with women and I had told him before that I didn't like that and that we are in a relationship so he should delete these profiles and he said "okay", but he didn't and I was very upset. He said he never met these women, just chatted and that it's all fantasy. The thing is, when you love someone and something hurts them, you just shouldn't do it is the way I see it. He just doesn't believe it's cheating, but I say it is - it's emotional cheating! Well, I caught him last week again with a profile and he actually sent a woman a message saying "hi" on this profile. I confronted him about it and he said he's just curious! It's like he doesn't have empathy and doesn't see how much that hurts me! He sometimes tells me he wishes he could make me happy all the time and there are times when he's so sweet and kisses me on my cheek, hugs me, and tells me he loves me in a very sweet way, but then he'll spend most of the day on the computer looking at maps, financial stuff, or playing chess. At the end of the day when I say I want to watch a movie with him he say okay, but when I put a movie on he says it's boring and wants to watch a documentary and I say let's have sex, he says he's not in the mood. He says we will only have sex when he wants to and that's usually once a week, but we have sex usually every day, because I start touching him and such and then he'll get in the mood. But if I left it all up to him, we probably wouldn't have sex for weeks or maybe once a week. His excuse is that he's not a young man, he's 47! That's BS! Anyway, I needed to tell my story and although there is more, this is what I'll type for now. I would love to hear any advice or responses for those of you in a similar situation.
faithchic faithchic 36-40, F 3 Responses May 17, 2012

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Reading your post was comforting as my partner of 6 years has several of the same traits as the man you describe , I often feel I'm going mad or I'm a bad person for feeling so unfulfilled with the relationship , however , I feel responsible for this child like man I love so much

Ginny, thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad that I found this site and I really hope to make many friends. It does help to discuss problems with friends on here. Thanks.

Thanks for sharing your story. The things you write speak to me. It always amazes me to read these, that even though the people are different, and their idiosyncrasies are different, they are always exactly the same story underneath. My marriage overlaps yours in many ways, there are things I don't talk about yet because they just seem so "out there" and unbelievable, so I am glad you shared so very much. Thank you. When I first realized I was married to an AS, I felt so alone and so stupid for not seeing it, but reading and sharing does help alleviate that feeling of being sooooo neurotic and so much at fault for the problem. And it helps to know there are other SMART beautiful women who fell for the charm and now live in this odd world.<br />
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I am still very new to the diagnosis (but not new to the frustration and weirdness), so I am still wallowing around in the angry and constantly crying stage, I think I am still in shock most of the time, trying to come to terms that this won't change, and I will need to lose all my expectations of normal marriage.... so, I am afraid I can't be super positive to you about your situation just because I am not even a teeny bit positive about mine. I don't know if I will ever get there or be able to help anybody who is in our situation. My advice to you right now is to keep learning about it, start reading about it, and just keep reaching out and keep sharing... I want you to know.... We hear you, we believe you and you are not alone. {{{ hugs }}}

You might never have a normal marriage but it can still be a good marriage with help can't it?

I'm not so sure of it. I personally am on the breaks. I am ready to be alone then to take the heartache of my husband who is an aspie but will never get the guided therapy help for us. I'm exhausted. Ready to throw the towel. After 12 years I feel like a failure. :( His eyes are so in his own world. What he calls himself god. That he now will be a very lonely god. :/ blinded he is<