Lost In Translation

I married a man that seemed to have a huge heart, someone I thought was sweeter than any other man I'd dated. He is from France and I met him there. We fell in love and married quickly and I moved to France to begin my life with him. Very quickly things got weird. He did not want me touching things and for fun I'd play with him by moving things around. Finally one day he exploded with screaming and yelling and I found myself very confused not understanding what I had done to deserve such harsh treatment. Little did I know this would happen over and over again. The sudden turn against me, his love. For eleven years I've been the therapist in the relationship, trying to teach him because I see his potential. We have two children and until I realized they have high functioning autism (AS), I did not know why my husband was they way he was. I was beginning to think he was an obsessive compulsive psychopath!

I love him very much and we have had some fun together. However, our fun tends to be like best friends. I used to love to party when I met him, and drank a few drinks on the weekends. These were the best times we've had. Now that I am a mother of special needs children I do not drink at all anymore and we don't go out anymore as a couple. Since he tends to panic and freak out when I suggest baby sitters I don't push the issue. I've told him that if he wants to salvage our marriage he is going to have to go out of his comfort zone and start allowing a babysitter so we can rebuild and go on dates again.

I saw that someone wrote she felt less lonely living alone than in her NT/AS marriage and I can totally get that. I told my AS husband that I am on the verge of giving up but don't want to do that. He has a hard time realizing I am serious because for him its all fine. It's not fine for me and I told him clearly and gently that he has to make changes. His emotional explosions hurt me and the kids and he has to control it because I can't take it anymore. I think if things are not seriously improved within a year I am going to suggest we separate.

He is willing to do the work he says but I don't know if he can control it long term. He needs some tools on how to handle his verbal rage when he feels out of control of stress. No one ever taught him how to deal with all of that and because I love him I'd really like to give him that chance rather than give up. I think he is really good for the kids too because he can explain things to them in a way that I cannot because my brain doesn't work like theirs. So, sometimes its cute seeing him explain things in a way that I would not think would connect the dots but it often works.

He is going to join some online Aspie support groups and perhaps that will give him a little perspective and some ideas.

Cheers!
PiezoLight PiezoLight
31-35, F
2 Responses Aug 8, 2012

"He is willing to do the work he says"<br />
That is the most important thing right there.<br />
Take out any other thoughts. Don't bother saying "oh maybe he can't."<br />
Don't even contemplate of utter "This won't work" into existence.<br />
Something I have learned about dating my aspie: if they say they are going to do something, they will. What they need is a gentle push to get them to do it and constant constant positive reinforcement! Once they get the ball rolling they are good.<br />
Good luck, and may better days come way quickly..

hello.. hope you had a great day :)<br />
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I'm sorry to hear..<br />
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but my advice is, dialogue and dialogue and dialogue.<br />
sit with him alone, far from kids.. start talking about things and clear up things.. let him tells you what he likes and what he not.. and the same for you, tell him what you like and what you not.. and in the end each one from you would give up for some small things only for to protect the relation.<br />
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give up for some small things you/he likes, doesn't mean that you/he's spineless.<br />
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try to remind him about the beggining of the relation and the sweet memories you had together.. tell him you miss them.. try to tell him that kids needs you both nd needs your raising. etc etc<br />
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hope you all the luck :)<br />
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Jamal, Morocco