Dont Ask Questions You Dont Really Want The Answers To...

So..I have a story on here before about how bad things were at one point because of things my husband had done while deep in drug addiction because of trying to cope with his aspie behaviors. Not able to realize the drugs only made the behaviors worse. Hes done alot of changing and actual healing without just trying to hide from his issues in the past few months. This isnt the first time hes said something that hurt, its just difficult for me to handle as his aspie behaviors didnt become apparent until his drug addiction was at its height.

So, we were laying in bed and weve been having fun these past few weeks, spending time together, just repairing some of the damage from the past. Ive always been a touchy feely type person. Ive always held him when he was sad, stroked his hair and back just to try to convey some of the emotion I felt for him without words. Even when hes not upset and were just laying around together, I like to stroke his arms, hands, or legs, whatever is closer to me at the time. Ive always been this way with him and our kids, its my way of saying I love you without saying it, as if I could transfer some of that positive feeling through touch.

But Ive been reading alot on aspies here lately and while we were laying there, me stroking his forearm, watching tv, a question occurred to me. " Weve been together 10 years now, Ive always been physically affectionate with you, but I hear aspies dont like that"..." Was it hard for you, when we first got together, with me touching you all the time?" Hes never objected, and never seemed to not enjoy it. Often times he will reach for me to hold him if hes down, or feeling particularly loving. Which is usually back and forth a few times a day. So his response surprised me.

"Sometimes, but I knew it was something that had to be done. I knew you expected it, and that I would have to for you to love me. So I dealt with it."

I could have burst into tears, fortunately he did want to go to bed and so it wasnt a big deal for me to roll over for him to not see the big fat tears that streamed down my face. How could he feel this way? You mean to tell me that for 10 years, every gentle loving caress, every pat and stroke that I tried to convey, I love you sooo much I cant help but to touch you right now, was just something that was dealt with? Every single time for 10 years that Ive run my fingers through your hair, or rubbed my thumb in circles on the back of your hand, just to say Im here, I love you and Im here, is merely a mild annoyance to be dealt with? I dont think Ive ever been more crushed with what is to him, a simple statement of fact.

Now I question everything I have ever done to convey love and devotion. Why is it that when he needs me and pulls me to him so that he can draw positive emotion from my touch this is acceptable, but if its used in a happy setting to convey love, its just something to be dealt with?
I wonder what other mild annoyances to be dealt with Ive committed in 10 years without knowledge? I wonder what else he just deals with?

Cindermoon Cindermoon
26-30, F
4 Responses Sep 6, 2012

Omg, that must have been so gut wrenching for you to hear... :(

at least he tries. I have never felt a loving touch. my husband is the only man I've ever been with. he never even tries to do those things I long for them so much.

Apparently dislike of being touched is a problem for Aspies. It must have been crushing for you to hear this. If I touch mine, he doesn't react at all, so I ask "does that feel nice?" and the answer is "no, not really".

I do have a big fat calico cat that loves to lay around and be scratched or petted as much as she possible can. I guess Ill go to her the next time Im feeling good and wanting to pet on something.