Broken

I just felt like reflecting tonight. I have always been what I would believe to be a very spiritual person. I recently started counciling by myself . . because well; frankly I knew I had better do something (besides go crazy) and my husband has been refusing to go with me for three years. I can't wait anymore. My marriage has been destroying me. Anyway; I was driving to my first appointment thinking about what to say . . how to explain ect. When I had this overwhelming sense of peace come over me and the thought entered my head. I have faults and just like a clay pot ( I used to be a ceramic artist) with a defect I have been smashed to a billion pieces by my marriage. I feel lost, broken . . I don't know who I am anymore. I have cried so many tears. I have crawled through mud and darkness only to find myself at a cliff edge not knowing if I should give up and sleep or plummet over the edge into the unknown. What comes next? I don't know. This thought however I am now holding onto. I am a broken pot. One that can now be remixed with water, turned into slop and remolded into something better. Something stronger and more beautiful. I am not done-for. There is hope out there- I just have to wait and see what I will be recreated into.

I am not the wife of a man with Asperger's anymore. I am SLOP. YES. Somehow this makes me feel worthy. God has a plan for me yet. :)

I hope you can discover this same peace. There must be a purpose to all of this. I don't believe in accidents. I have decided to learn how to live with more grace and forgiveness for my husband.

I also now have MY OWN BEDROOM. Yes! I'm sure sleep will help me in this process. (the aspie likes to wake up/stay up all hours of the night on the computer/just flip on the light/music whenever . . even if I am sleeping before work)

ok . . done with my randomness. :) Thanks for reading.
jends jends
26-30
1 Response Dec 8, 2012

I loved reading your story. I loved how you described yourself as a clay pot that's been broken but can be remodeled. I know you're going through a lot of pain, because I am too, but to know that you see the light and the meaning. I feel this too. No one really understands why I stay with my husband. Especially after some of the hell we've been through, but I've just always known that wasn't really him. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like a super sweet guy who just can't always be that way. I see this considerate thoughtful side to him, but it's rare and I'm one of the only people who gets to see it. I feel like God brought us together for a reason. That we are meant to be together. I went through a lot with him, but it didn't kill me. I am strong. I know that now more than ever and I know I had to go through all that to be strong enough for what is to come. I see how it's all connected and it's all meant to be. It's frustrating at times and I get angry or overwhelmed, but those feelings never last too long. I often find things that show me why I love him and why our daughters need him and why our family is going to be ok. I also think that he deserves to be loved. I have a nephew and God son who have Asperger's and I adore them and hope that they one day can have someone love them even with their quirks and OCD. They are still people who deserve to be loved. They just need someone strong enough to help them through it.