Anger

I have never had so much RAGE in my LIFE. Good thing I have counciling tomarrow. I pretty much just reamed my husband a new one. Never done that before. It did not help. I am still so angry I can't stand it. I called my husband and asked if he could please pick me up from work. We live 2 min. away. 15 min. walk . . but it is cold, dark, and I am 8 months pregnant. Plus people have been getting attacked in the area. My husband had the usual response .. . " If you put our son back to bed". I was in a good mood. I even took some cake from our breakroom on a plate home for him. I told him I was glad he was picking me up becasue I had a surprise for him. My husband picked me up from work. he had to watch my son from 5pm-7:30pm. He picked me up at 7:30. I asked how his day was and he complained how his day was terrible and how his co-workers are stupid. blah, blah. the whole ride home. He did not even notice the cake and did not ask how my day was. I found his complaining very annoying. I interrupted and asked what they at for supper? He says cereal and oatmeal. I say did our son get any protein today? He says I did not take care of him, how should I know?! in a very rude voice. I say well, what did the sitter feed him today. He says I did not ask, who cares. Great, so I know my son has eaten junk all day and no real food because supper is his big meal. Even though I made food and put it in the fridge the night before for them . . he hates leftovers and had a headache so he ate cereal. I find this especially aggravating since when my husband takes care of our son he does not usually change his clothes, and NEVER gives him a bath, or brushes his teeth. Anyway, we got home and my son stayed asleep. He got put back in bed. My husband continued blabbering about his terrible day/ headache ect. I walk into the living room (where our christmas tree is) and find two ornaments on the ground a foot away from the tree with their hangers missing. I ask what happened and my husband says "I don't know". I say did donny pull these down? He says I don't know, I guess so. Rude again . . .I panic. The hanger is missing I say. Did he eat it? He says I don't know, how should I know. I was like " Because you should have been watching him!" At this point I am thinking oh crap, do I have to take him to the ER because I don't know what type of hanger was on the ornament . . but there was obviously at least a metal screw.

Side note: We put the christmas tree up two weeks ago as a family. I sorted them and picked out about half- the safest looking ones. Not any glass or will small parts. MY HUSBAND THEN HUNG THEM ON THE TREE. During that time frame our son has not really messed with the tree. He will walk over to it, turn ornaments over and look at them. I then tell him oh, that is pretty, leave it there . .and he lets go and walks away. I never have him in that room for long anyway because pretty much every other room of the house is safer/more logical place to let him play.

Back to the story:
While I am looking through the carpet/ all over the house my husband is yelling at me. Why are you such an idiot. Why did you put ornaments with metal hooks on them on the tree anyway. Are you stupid . . blah, blah. I feel like I should cry but I am just so angry and worried about my son. I don't usually stand up for myself but for some reason this week has been different. I yelled at him I do not trust him to watch our son. It is not MY fault he does not actually watch our son when he is suppost to do so. I have seen him "watch" our son with the computer glued to his face. I have seen our son hurt himself/ have come home to an eaten wooden puzzle while he "watched" our son. He continues to blame me , it is all my fault we have a stupid christmas tree and He is not to blame. I stop him and say well I can't watch him from work and I can't trust him to do it. He tells me well then quit your job. Just what I need I say. For the person who does not respect me and calls me stupid to have total control of all finances and for me to be stuck with him. I told him that if I have to take our son and move somewhere else and work around the clock so I can afford to hire someone to care for him that I can trust then that is what I will do. He never listens, he just keeps telling me it is my fault while I am looking for the missing parts ALONE. He finally leaves and shuts the door. He shuts me out.

Just then I find the missing piece of the ornament. I say a silent prayer and then walk into my son's room. I collapse on the floor by his crib. What an end to a day. My son is safe sleeping peacefully. So innocent. I stare at his face. Would life be safer, better for him without a father? or fighting? or unitentional neglect? Or would I be taking him away from a precious relationship he might so desperatly need. what about this next child. I think about packing and leaving right then and there. I know this is not rational. How would I support a second child without health insurance. I at least must wait until then; but perhaps one more chance and things will be better this time . . .

But right now I am angry.
jends jends
26-30
2 Responses Dec 12, 2012

Hi Jends,

I have been married to an AS man for my whole life. It has taken this long for him to believe he has it.

Because it is so hard for them to understand real logic, their fight or flight instincts are incredibly hard to tolerate. This is what will wear you out over and over again.
In my husband's eyes (until now) I have always (and I mean always) been at fault for everything. This even includes things that are just perceived by him - not even truths.

I believe they get more forgetful with age - but are very hard to tolerate when they are younger and have a lot of energy to fight. They continually think backwards.

I realize you have a young child and are probably totally exhausted just from that, let alone the child you are dealing with called your husband.

So, after 37 years here is my advice:
Build your own knowledge that you are in fact NOT crazy. I can't say for sure if my husband is dealing with other disorders but does come across as downright abusive in the way he treats me.
He is obsessive in his righteousness and it has taken all of these years for him to believe it has not been me. Know your truths and stick to them at least in your own mind.
If you are going to stay with him, KNOW you will be raising him for the rest of your life. Be sure the little he has to offer you is good enough for you AND your children. They are not the kind of fathers that teach their children the facts of life or any coping skills. You will be protecting your children from his lack of sense. He will not change enough to understand you and your children will feel the lack just as you do.
And most of all, keep yourself financially independent so you have choices!! This is the absolutely best piece of advice I can give you. I was so exhausted that I did not do this and at 56 I am in a bind being financially dependent on my AS husband. Besides, It is very easy to end up with no life yourself and nowhere to be seen as a separate individual if you become too much of a homebody.
Either way you look at it, it is a life of turmoil and exhaustion, and they very easily take, take and take some more as they are really little children in their empathy.
So...do NOT become a victim of his disease (he already goes victim enough for both of you) be as independent as you can...It is like a beginner skiir chasing an expert down a ski hill...you will never catch up and will get hurt trying.

yep, things are better now :) I had counciling tonight. she said try and talk to him by email about things that way he might respond better. I will try it this week. :)