Undiagnosed.

My husband is undiagnosed, but I highly suspect he has AS. My marriage is extremely lonely, due to this. We've only been married six months, but it feels as if it's been forty or fifty years. There is no intimacy, whatsoever. Sex is a luxury. He doesn't tell me he loves me unless I actually ask him to do so, and then it means nothing to me. I am always on the backburner for his hobbies/interests.

I am so happy I came back to EP because I've searched the internet high and low looking for an Asperger's spouse support group!
BulletWithButterflyWings BulletWithButterflyWings
26-30, F
2 Responses Jan 20, 2013

I'm glad you joined. It certainly sounds like AS tendencies! It IS hard, it IS lonely, but the good news is that your husband had the emotional wherewithal to get himself into a relationship, propose marriage and actually go through with it - so believe it or not you are ahead of the game. He has shown his willingness. Hang in there. Being the partner of a person with AS means you have to have a very strong base yourself, and a good thick skin. I didn't, but I have learned.

Ok, I've been married to my aspie husband for seven years now. Here is what I have learned.

1) I can't expect more from him than he is capable of giving just as I would be uspet is he expected more from me than I could do.

2) He's not going to understand me on the level that I want him to, however, there are tradeoffs. He is the calm head when I get emotional.

3) I have to learn to appreciate his interests in order to spend time with him. We have recently developed a few we enjoy together.... hunting, fishing, and bowling.... or I need to develop parallel interests. He likes to play computer games. I like to read. I sit and read in the room where he is playing. It's not earth shattering quality time, but it is time together.

As far as the intimacy, encourage him to get a physical and include a check of his testosterone level. My husband at 40 had the testosterone level of an 80 year old man. Since he started taking a shot a month, our intimate relationship has changed dramatically. He's made the comment that I am not "all over him" like I used to be. Truth is, I don't have to be, he is all over me.

Be patient. Every marriage is hard in the beginning. Being married to an aspie is harder for the simple reason that you feel like you are the only one trying. Don't be afraid to tell him what you need, just be sure to do it gently. Model the behavior you want him to learn and remember that relating to others is not something that is natural to him. He has to learn it.

Hang in there. I'm here if you want to chat.