My Trip To The Wholefoods Market (god Damn It, I Get It I'm Fat

OK so i decided today to visit the Wholefoods market near my house. despite the fact that i live only a couple a miles from the store I've never actually visited it, so i was curious. now i'm mostly a Walmart or Target shopper but I've
heard so much about the Wholefoods market that finally the curiosity got the better of me and i went to see what it was all about. as i drove into the parking lot, the first thing i noticed was the rather small size of the lot and the limited number of parking spaces (i'm used to having my pick of a 1000 OCCUPIED parking spaces were i usually shop). as i park my car near the entrance of the store (not 3 blocks away as... again...i'm used too) i noticed the mixture of green and brown colors that seem to symbolize that the store itself had grown from the ground like a giant vegetable. as i walk into the store i was...well ...impressed. the people who shopped there weren't 100 overweight, there was nobody riding around in those little scooters like you would see in Walmart. nobody was dressed as if they were still in there pj's, the place was clean, the food and the produce was organized and everything just looked clean. i was impressed. so impressed in fact that i hadn't noticed that the people around me were staring and bumping into me as they passed me. the realization accord when one man just violently shoved his shoulder against mine, i turn to see what this guys problem was but instead of confronting me he just stared at me and continued walking. that's when i noticed it. everyone was staring at me, at first they would just walk past me looking but suddenly they all stop turned towards me and just stared. i was coming to the realization that i was not wanted there, it was as if the store was saying "HOW DARE YOU, YOU FAT SLOB... WALK ATOP MY MARBLE FLOORS ... you contaminate me sir, you contaminate me. " just as suddenly as they all stopped to stare at me, they all began to simultaneously point at me and chant to the lyrics of the OMEN "sanguis bibimus, corpus edimus, TOLLE CORPUS SATANI! AVE!!!"
they all chanted in eerie synchronicity (who knew wholefood shoppers were such talented tenors). as you probably imagine (like any normal human being who feels like he's about to be sacrificed to the demon god cthulhu) i got the heck out of there. as i hurried threw the parking lot freaked out at what i just witnessed i did the worst thing someone in my position could do...i lit a cigarette. why o why did i light that i took my first puff a man from across the parking lot pointed at me with his head tilted letting out a deafening screech as if he were possessed by a demonic screamer monkey. the shock was such that i dropped the cigarette on the floor at which case another man passing by yells "ERRRA COHOTE NUMALAR" i couldn't understand him but deep in my soul i new it was a language that hadn't been spoken in over 1000 years. i began to run towards my car with tears coming from my eyes and fear in my heart. one by one the people around me let out that loud screamer monkey screech, i yell "STOP YELLING ME!!" as i open the door to my car. then from three cars down i hear another man yell "GET A HYBRID *******" at which i yell back "ITS A FORD FOCUS, IT ONLY GETS 35 MILES TO THE GALLON!!" i jump inside my car and notice the people get closer and closer to my car. i thought to myself "this is it...i'm not getting out of this one." but then, there attention was set elsewhere, as a man in a ****** unwittingly drove into the parking lot. poor fat bastard didn't have a chance, i drove by and watched as the hoards of overly athletic, socially conscious white people tore him and his ****** apart. it was sad, and i'm ashamed to say i was glad it wasn't me. as i finally drove out of the parking lot, i kept driving for several more blocks contemplating the events of my trip to the wholefoods store, and then i saw it, my home, the place i belong, the place that will never tells me i'm to fat or skinny or judge me in any way. the place where old people happily greet me (sorta) and where the customer service is excellent (kinda)... i had arrived at... WALMART.
jfgg81 jfgg81
1 Response Jan 7, 2013

by the way the ************ is H U M M E R the vehicle. EP thinks i'm talking about something else.