A Wife's Affair With My Best Friend



About 25 years ago my wife had an affair with my best friend right under my nose. I found out by accident and observation. For example she started buying bra's the unfastened from the  front, for easier access of her lover to her breasts in the car they were meeting in. I hired a private dectecive to follow her as she went out to shop for the day and sure enough she met her lover in  a motel for about 3 hours. I confronted her with this information and used words to descibe her like ***** , **** ect. I then went over to my frieds house and confronted him in front of his wife about this betrayal. The scene was bad to say the least. For some reason even though this happened so long ago the image of my wife letting another man use her body for his pleasure seems to haunt me and after her affair ( perhaps it was a mistake) I demanded to know what they both had participated in sexually together. Obviously it included oral and even things my wife had not done with me.I don't undertand why after all these years I am suddenly dwelling on this.I wish I didn't as it makes me feel depressed.My wife has been a good wife since and has done everything to make up for this affair so I have no complaints about her behavior. Any thoughts or experiences to share. I have more stories on this but these are the basic facts

alive45 alive45
28 Responses Jun 1, 2008

Alive45, this sounds relatively hopeless. For a mutual relationship, love, trust, honesty and integrity have to be reciprocal; that is, both of you have to make a conscious effort to make the marriage/relationship work, even when it's difficult. You alone or she alone will NOT make a successful relationship. If your wife won't own up to what she's done, there's no starting point for forgiveness and reconciliation to begin anew FROM. It's time for you to have a heart to heart with your wife, preferably in the presence of a councilor. If she refuses to admit what happened to your satisfaction and therefore move ahead, cut your losses and move ahead alone. Time and life are a precious commodity that don't include "do-overs". Stop wasting time and effort on a marriage that's based on lies and/or self-preservation. Somewhere there's a mate for you who will appreciate your dedication, give it back and help build a beneficial marriage worthy of both your efforts.

My wife is 21 ,I am 25 .We have been married for 3 years.It had always been my fantacy my wife ***** some one.Just 3 days ago I was drunk and horny ,I asked my wife how would she like the idea of having a 3 sum.The moment i said she went ballistic and shouted at me ,called me selfish ,mean.I was like by 3 sum i dont mean it doing it with another gal.She gave me a weird look and shouted again how can i have her sex with some one if i truely love her.I told her i really love her and it has been my fantacy.Next day i oppologized to her and said i only said it to try having some spice in our sexual life.To my bloody surprise she said if i am ok with it she is also ok with it.By then i was so horny i was imagining my fantacy coming true.Cuting the long story into short we found a very good looking,young muscular guy online.They exchanged eachothers number ,the next day when my wife came back from work ,she angrily said that guy has texted her and asking for sex.I was like what doesnt she try it.She was a bit nervous ,scared but she was up for it.When she left the house she kept talking to me untill she sat with him in the car.She she came back she said they had done it about 4 times,he did it wildly,strongly ,and so hardly and her ***** was badly sore ,she was tired ,she talked less .She didnt eat well .The next day she said she liked it and she would keep doing it.Now the problem is it was my fantacy though but i dont want this to happen i dont want to loose my wife i really love her.Can you please guide me what should i do how can i undo the whole thing :( i dont want to loose her i will otherwise die...she is going to see him again tonight and my heart is sinking :((((((

Is this love for her or just lust? If its lust it won't last long. Ask her. Some married couples practice polyamory where they have love relationships with another person. Some people have open relationships where they just sleep with more than one person. So choose which one do you want to choose? Monogamy , polyamory or swinging. Just becareful because you want your marriage to stay together. Don't seek other people to enter your marriage just because you want sexual experiences . Believe me love is better. Lust leads to promiscuity, and other things and can create a monster. Love good and love well and use your body the right way. If you want fun experiences then do them with your wife........Only you. This is something she would like . I am serious. She is someone who is available . You know her well and you love her. She is not a stranger off of the Internet.
If she is really into this guy find out what her intentions are with him and what can it bring to your marriage.

Me, chickfish22@me.com

This happened to me 40years ago , we never talked about the details, where they had sex , what they did sexually how many times , did they practice safe sex . These are the things , I want to know even after all these years , I still think about them together every night , I forgave her , but can never forget , her lies , her deceit , her betrayal , maybe we should have talked it through ,then knowing the intimate detailed of her affair , may be more faded than they are today , we are still together , but our sex life has never been as good as it should have been ,

It is very difficult to stop revisiting with this betrayal behavior even after years and years. It is also a problem rebuilding complete trust after living through an absolutely untrustworthy action. I do not believe one ever forgets....but time can let the relationship heal and grow although it will never ever be the same relationship as before the discovery.

My heart goes out in a most empathetic sense. I wish you well.

I suppose I shouldn't be, but am actually surprise how much empathy there is for this situation. What surprises me most of all is that, on most sites, everything seems to be directed towards women getting over the affairs of their husbands. And yet here is almost unanimously cases of agrieved husbands trying to get over the affairs of their wives.

Sadly, this is my world as well. Like most, my wife's tryst started innocently enough, with her providing support to a co-worker who had lost both dad and step-mom in a car accident. To make things worse, not one of his other co-workers even bothered to attend the funeral or visitation for this individual.

And yet, it didn't take long and the strength of emotions got the best of both of them. My wife was a little more up front about what was going on, but I always suspected more. Sure enough, I found out where this man lived, and one night, after a night of rather obvious lie- and deceit-filled text messages, I drove past his house to find her car in his driveway and the lights out.

She has never been able to handle being called to account, and so rather than feeling guilt or shame, all I got was anger, and an attitude of, "Who the @%#&$!! are you to tell me something I've done is wrong?"

At some point, though, she agreed to counseling, though it was only individual counseling for her. To this day, she has still refused couples counseling. Supposedly, the affair is over, and his drinking got him fired from his job. And I guess that overall things are better. I have committed myself to improving things I need to in terms of making the marriage better.

And yet, months later, I am still having episodes where she seems to be trying to re-connect with him. At present, they have averaged one-a-week, supposedly usually over stupid or almost mystic-type things. But whether it is putting his contact back into her phone under yet another assumed name (we are up to four so far), and then showing evidence of dozens of texts to him, it is always something.

Her two daughters have essentially disowned her over this, and still I haven't had that heart-felt, "OMG, what have I done??" moment from her. I'm doing all I can, but I must admit that I am growing weary of being the one working hardest to fix a marriage after an affair AND being the person who had to watch his beloved spouse have the affair.

And yet, I must confess, for whatever reason, my love for her has still not grown cold. I just wish that somehow that love could be requited, or at the very least, have a moment where I can know FOR SURE that this is over. Even better, that she will spend the rest of her life working harder to overcome this than I ever could trying to hold it together after what she has done.

Sorry that this became a self-episode. But like everyone else who has posted, this has hurt. I suppose it will be years (if ever) before that hurt goes away.

um, i know this is an old post. but hopefully it is obvious by now she never stoppted seeing him? four separate episodes of trying to put him back in the phone. really? at that time, I would have left- enough is enough. the fact you still had emotions for her is a reflection of you and your issues- not her. There was nothing to have emotions for.

Thanks for writing back. Yes, while it was an old post, it is amazing that things still keep circling around. As an update, she finally got to the point where she stopped seeing him and cut off all communication with him. And yet, 2+ years later, things indeed are no better. And my love for her is growing cold as she continues to refuse to face what she did.

Ultimately, I left my job and home and moved hundreds of miles away to get a new start. After some period of time, my wife did join me, but to this day has done nothing to try to make things better (except argue just to argue about anything she can).

Am still uncertain as to my next move, but am now beginning to understand what affairs do to marriages. I'm told that even the strongest of them will take from 2-5 years to get over them, and that is when both parties agree to work to make things better. When one refuses, who knows what is to happen next.

I Feel for you all>>> Did not know this was so much of it. I dont eevn know how to say all this ....
I have been married 28y , She had an affair with my friend about 20 years ago Which she insists was nothing .But they were in my bed while I was away in the states on business. dont know exactly when it started.she mentioned that night only... She admited to me 15 years ago that it was a fling but nothing happened ,, Could a man be in bed with beautifull woman with no clothes on and not penatrate ,would she be able to refuse someone that she fancied for years !! why would she refuse him entry ?? she used to tell me to arrange it with him sometimes while we were having sex ( i thought it was just dirty talk/.) Obviously not ) .,,,How could she refuse him when they had the chance....
5 Years later I realised they were still in touch I caught her out by chance ,when I bumped into him,he mentioned something that corresponded to what she had only told me.But when I asked her she said they were only friend he wanted to borough money,, , But they were in My bed naked ( OUR Private domain OUr intimate place)) ...she says she kept her nighty on..
.It didnt really bother me too much till now I have been ill recently twice.. It seems to be haunting me too much cannot sleep sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night..panicking..!!! I have thoughts of what they could have done..She says they didnt have sex !! she says it was very close , Is there such a thing.? Oh and I remember she was suspected by the doc she had herpes ,,She told me to go have mt self checked, I was such a MUG !!
I had the signs but I could never imagine my wife would do this,I ignored the signs,,
We feel in love and got married against our families wishes>>>.
It has got worse now I even think of him giving it to her ....while we have sex..

Am I loosing my mind , Iam hurting so much, feels like I have wasted my life .....
Got 5 kids with her .given them all the best of my capabilities,,
Are they All Mine ?? the questions have started playing havoc with my mind...after reading some of the stories..Scary!!. What do I do.. we have been good together until last few months..it just started popping up in my mind dont know why ?,tried to ask her couple of months ago, she got angry and then wanted to make love to me maybe talking about him turns her on.....
I think she is a special person in my life , But this has broken me....
Should I have a talk with her and try to get her to confess the truth?


I am currently going through a similar situation. My wife had an "emotional affair" with a guy who used to be a close friend (I had lost touch with him - but had recently reconnected).

They say nothing happened, but I started having images (that my mind made up). My mind also created a "nightmare/movie" that I started seeing every time I went to sleep. I would sit straight up from a dead sleep and then it would happen again after I went back to sleep.

I was able to find a way to at least limit the images/nightmares. One day I sat down and just started writing how I was feeling at my computer. It started out as: How could I have missed this? What actually happened in that hotel room? I wrote all the questions that popped into my head (I also kept a notebook on me at all times so if I wasnt at the computer I could add other questions that popped up). Most of the questions stayed unanswered for a couple of months. I found that I was writing things in this document almost every night then it was every other night. It helped. I still get the images and the nightmares but they are alot less frequent.

Then sit down with your wife and go through the questions. Let her know that you are trying to get by this and the only way this will happen is allowing everything to be out in the open. Try not to attack her and put her on the defensive. That will only have her lock down and ensure that you will never know the truth. Dont expect you will get the full truth the 1st time you talk. With my wife I only get a few of pieces of information with each session of us talking but those pieces usually lead to a few more and then a few more.

Maybe this would help.

My wife had an affair with my best friend, we had been married 20 years. It is not easy knowing that for 3 and a half years it went on and through the toughest part of my life, heart attack, bypass surgery, got staph another heart attack it was all going on. Its been two years since I found out for sure (I suspected it for 3 years prior but had no proof) and she has done everything to make it right (except tell the truth about it all which leaves you still feeling cheated on, its hard to bury the things you don't know) but there is not a day go by that it does not come to mind. It has destroyed everything I have been and done, I am a musician and this guy has been a major part of my life, all the photos memories are constant trigers in my mind. We are better than before, but I still have my days were I feel my whole life has been a waste. I never cheated on my wife alhough I had that opertunity many times, I have worked hard doing two jobs to give her what she wanted but it all sems a waste now. I truly hope things get better in my mind, I love her but I hate this feeling my life has no meaning.

sorry you wen tthrough that, the fact is she put a mental widget in a crack in the wood and that split n your mind can now grow over time until you are fully separated from her. you sound like a good person. My issue would be that "she has done everything to make it right"- there would be nothing she could do to make it right. Nothing. she broke the trust you have in your wife and he broke the trust yo uhave in your friendships- what is left to trust. The best you can do is understand you don't actually need to trust or rely on other people to be happy or feel safe.

It appears as if this is old news to some. Well, I am a new member to the club, 5 years now to be exact. From the above comments it seems as though "feeling better" bout this is nowhere in sight. Is't it funny how the only ones saying "put it behind you" are the offenders? (Jayne66)...YEA, I'm sure you are ready to forget about it. If you only realized the pain and total confussion you have inflicted on your spouse, which often lastes for decades, you would surely drop to your knees once again! "Put it behind me", "forget about it", "move on"....**** you.

I had an affair with my best friends girlfriend of 11 years so pretty much married at that point cause they have kids and stuff like that, it started out a drunkin mistake and believe me Im not one to pull the "I was drunk card" honestly, but ive known her longer than he has and we had a fling in High School, so one night were hanging out in front of a bar and we started talking about our fling and it led to making out. Now to make things worse, hes not only my best friend but my boss. Well after the drunken night we kept doing it, not for long just like a week, and I decided to put a stop to it. It was a really f'ed up mistake that I regret to this day. We haven't told him yet and doubt we will but. If I could take it back I would but it is what it is.

dudes, I am in this right now and it has been 18 years years later, the dude and his now family has moved to my home town. I have been here for 24 years and now feel like I want to leave all this behind. **** it.

My marriage ended last year after this very same thing. I can't seem to get rid of the hate that is there for him and even though I don't want her back I wish for some of the honesty that you guiys have seen as they continue to lie and deny it. He even refers to her now as a "supportive friend" while she stays at his house.<br />
What really bothers me is the lack of help that there is for men who have suffered this. Everything professional that I find seems to be women support when it happens the other way round.<br />
I wish that she would stop saying that it has been a year and I should be over it now, how does she get to tell me when I am over it?

I love how women say get over it, when the are the one that f***** up to start with. Why do we need to get over it? Men need to let it burn in, think about it, when a man f***'s up women make you pay for it years from now. There favorite saying is, " forgive but never forget" . And believe me they won't forget anything ever you do wrong, so why should we. Do what you need to get over, be it moving on or never let her forgetting it. I went thru it myself and I haven't changed a thing I do. I have gone and said out all night and I dare her to say something. As far as your friend, who needs him.

My wife had an affair with my best friend too. the thing that bothers me most is that it was a just a month before the wedding. that is suppose to be when couples are the closest and so much in love. found out about it 30 years after the fact. Think maybe been living a lie here.

This is WAY too long to be fretting over that. I suggest a counselor. It's over and done with. This can only lead to mental problems, for both you and your wife. <br />
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You're treating yourself very badly and probably treating your wife similarly even if you don't realize it.

well i admire the way u handle the situation<br />
if it is me then the hell with her i don't a ****................i will just say **** off

well i admire the way u handle the situation<br />
if it is me then the hell with her i don't a ****................i will just say **** off

My wife has had occasional affairs with other men. She's always been a flirt and it excited me that other men were sexually attracted to her. when she had her first fling she told me about it and said she would like to continue it. I agreed but asked her to share her experiences with me. Since then she's been with one other man and always keeps me informed and a little jealous but very excited. Our sex together has improved.<br />
At present she spends one night a week with her lover and if he works nights she sometimes drops by for a while. So far we are happy together, I hope it lasts.Does this make me a cuckold?

I dont know but not to worried, Im in the same situation, my wife is with her lover of three years and we love each other. it was hard for me at first but I learn to take it and is fine with us

THis happened to me also when my wife and i had only been married two years she was acting very funny one day and when I asked her why she stated that she was feeling guilty because she had shown my best friend her breasts. 40dd very gorgeous. I asked her if thats all that happened she said yes I told her to let it go and dont let it happen again. well three years later she admitted she also gave him oral while showing her breasts said he played on her sympathy and she refused intercourse. Well oddly enough 20yrs later I find this very exciting and now I would love to watch her do this. Is this normal?

welcome to the club. bub. mine was thirty years ago, my best friend was acting cocky one day, i asked why, he said that that my wife gave him a bj and he nailed her -- i asked her- she admitted it-- iwas absolutely devasstated- i couud not believe it - i knew he was a user- i asked for details - more devastation-she had got on her knees for him- and blew him- then he nailed her- the real problem, and i think about it all the time, why the hell did she have to blow him- my wife licked and kissed his ****...i'll do a confession about this....

My sympathy to you brother, your pain is sadly familiar to my own experience. Her affair was brief and ended some months before I confronted her with my suspicions. Even though I want to forgive and work on it every day it is a constant struggle to push away the negative feelings and images. I live with the sadness and anger of knowing that a wife who says she loves me is capable of hurting me so much. I want to be free of this pain but there is no return to innocence, just making room for an unpleasant truth.

my wife did the dirty on me but now twenty years later it has become a fantasy and I wish I could watch ?????<br />
I dont understand it either

My husband is going through the same thing at the moment. I had an affair and he found out and he is torturing himself with thoughts and images about what I did. I am trying to help him but we're hoping that, in time, the thoughts and feelings will fade. I have read in a few self-help articles that after the initial shock and hurt has subsided, my husband must consciously start to push the negative thoughts away and deliberately replace them with positive ones or else the negative thoughts can consume him. I don't know if it works and I'm sure it takes practice... it's still early days for us but I wish you all the best. If you love eachother you'll have to try to put it behind you.

You seem to have a really good attitude. I went through a similar thing many years ago when my wife had an affair. We got over it and the marriage got stronger. You need to let him know that its useless to try to be like your lover in any way. And that your affair never changed your feelings for your husband.. Don't be afraid to let him know that you enjoyed your lover or that you found him sexy. But emphasixe that that was that and it had and has no effect on your love for husband . You might even go so far as to say its made you appreciate him more.. But that its over because of your love for your husband and you don't want to hurt him. Best of luck. And by all means, when he tries to 'let it go' and 'forgive, let him know how much you appreciate his mature attitude, and how this makes you love him even more.

My story is similar, though it has happened AFTER a marriage of 28 years. The friend was a very good friend--the two couples usually always got together. His wife travels; so do I. It all falls together in hindsight.<br />
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I lost my job two days after finding about the affair.<br />
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We've had an excellent, most open communication period since that black week, and things are looking up. However, I can't stop thinking about, "How long did it go on?" "What did they do?" and etc. etc. etc.

It is amazing that you could forgive your wife for a betrayal of such magnitude. An affair is one thing, but with your best friend? That is really harsh and I doubt a lot of people could get past that. <br />
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People cheat for so many different reason, and I don't know why your wife did what she did. I don't judge people and condemn them for cheating because you can't know the circumstances of every marriage or why people feel they need to cheat. However, with your best friend? That might be unforgivable. My hat is off to you for being able to move past that at all.

damn my friend i know how it feels,first off your friend shoulda told you so you would have known ir she should have, and having to hear what they have done together is enough to make anyone wanna cut someones head off in rage but its like you dont wanna know but you have to know when you dwell on what they did together, am sure you know what i mean, but alas stuff happens out of our control even if it does haunt us, its just a big ole **** sandwich tho and life throws alot of curve balls and you just gotta take em.

Type your comment here...

I noticed at first because she stop having sex with me, always with an excuse and she look happier than ever and taking special care on her appearance. when I confront her she accept it and told me all the true about her relation with my friend. I cry during the night and she make love to me and stay very clear and firm on her act. That was three years ago and shes still with him our sex life change, I dont get as much as I use to. but the few times we make it is more passionate and we are happy and love each other