It's All a Struggle
i am 20 years old and have 2 kids. I live with my partner of 5 years.
Nothing i do ever seems to be right. i don't live my life for myself, i live it for everyone else.
I do things to make everyone else happy. But ever since i became a mum, it seems that everyone see's me as just a mum now. Someone who isn't a person with feelings, or deserves any respect. Everyone thinks it's ok to critizise everything i do. From how i raise my kids to what i wear or how much i don't eat, it goes on and on.
I'm a little tired, of the constant scrutiny, it's like there all in a competition on who can tell me how to live my life the best.
I'm sick of people telling me i have ruined my life by having kids so young. The only lovely thing in my life is my wonderfull children. they don't ask too much of me, they don't hurt me. All they do is love me, because i'm their mum. So simple.
They don't need to humiliate me to make themselves feel good. But apparently they have ruined my life.
I'm not myself around everyone i know. I always have to put on a facade for everyone i know, just to shut them up. For my MIL i pretend she is so wise about raising children, to inflate her ego so she leaves me alone. I pretend to be a hard *** infront of my boyfriend, just so he never knowes the things he says actually hurt me, I pretend to my whole family, that i'm happy, a good mum and i love my boyfriend.
I pretend to everyone i know, that i'm this happy, fun loving person, when really i'm not, i've never been sadder.
I pretend to strangers on the street that i'm not poor or any of the other steryotypical things that get put on me for being a young mum.
I'm so sick of having to act all the time, just to stop people notocing me. I'm so sick of caring what people think of me.
I want a new life, i want to start again, just my children and me. get away from everyone i know.
But it will never happen. If i was to leave my partner, i'd still have to see him, so he can see the kids, i would still have to see my in laws so they could see my kids, i could never dissapear on my sister because it would break her. I can't leave my friends and community because my partner won't move.
All i do is make excuses why i can't do anything.
Sometimes i feel so crap, that this is how my life turned out.