What's The Point?

Last year I found out that i had a genetic disorder. It caused me to have to have a back operation. My job (which i had spent 4 years of my life studying, and 1 year working) was very physical, and i could no longer do it, without risking paralyzing myself. I loved my job, and this was the first huge blow. I had to think of a new plan for my life.

At the time of the back op, my sister was teaching abroad. She is my rock and best friend, and she told me to join her abroad.... I went through all of the paperwork, and moved to a foreign country. The reason i moved has little to do with me needing a job, and more with me needing to be close to my sister.

Within a month though, my sister stopped doing things with me. I would see her 2 times a month if i was lucky (and always with her boyfriend)... During this time, i was very upset, and really felt down and out... I couldnt figure out why she wasn't speaking to me much.... I started seeing a lot of a guy over here, and we started dating. He is very good to me, but after about a month, he told me that he is an alcoholic. He started going to meetings, but there were still times when i woke up in the middle of the night, to find him out of bed and drinking. He has gotten a lot better, but i still worry. I get anxious over anything that is left in the house. I get worried that he will slip back into that pattern...

eventually, after a few months of not being able to sort things out with my sister, i finally got the truth out of her - she didnt like my boyfriend (the same one that i had been seeing more of because she was alienating herself from me)... We spoke about it and i thought that we had sorted it out, but apparently not. She was still funny with me... She left the country in Sept, and since then I have heard from her 3 times (including my birthday, where i got a 3 line email...). All 3 of these times have been after i have mailed her 3 or 4 times, and they never acknowledge my mail. They are always things like "Stay warm. Hope you're having fun. X"
I have lost my best friend. And i dont think i will get her back...

In the last couple of months before she left, i was really really stressed out, and my hormone level was totally out of whack. Eventually I went to the dr to see what he could do for me, and found out that i had been given hormone replacement for menopausal women, rather than birth control. What this had done was totally mess up my hormone levels, give me cysts on my ovaries, cause blood clots on my uterus, and screw up my sex drive. My moods were a total mess, and I could think of nothing worse than being touched by my boyfriend. Our relationship took strain, and still is, because i dont feel myself, and fear that i never will again.

During this time, my only friend over here (and colleague) started treating me like dirt. She was writing exams at the time, so i put it down to exam stress.... She would grunt at me in response to anything that I said or asked her.... She started to ignore my messages and calls, and just not pitch to dinner, or not reply about going out somewhere... etc... This continued for about 3 months... in which, i have reached out to her nearly every day. I have asked her whats wrong. I have tried to fix things.... GRUNTS!

Yesterday I found out that one of my best friends died in a car accident. She has not supported me at all.... I am emotional and worn out and sick of being treated like a piece of ****.

Today things came to a head. I told her that i am done. I will no longer reach out to try and salvage the relationship. She doesnt seem worried about that, and didnt make any suggestions about HER trying to save it... As far as i can see, our relationship is over...

Now i start to wonder - all of these relationships that have been crashing down around me.... I am the common denominator... Maybe it is me.... maybe i am the **** up.... if it so easy to write me off.... whats the point of trying anymore.

I look at my friend's fb page, and see all of the condolences that people are sending to him and his family. Everybody saying how great he is and how much they miss him already.... And then i have to wonder - if it was me in his place, how many posts there would be. 2.....? Maybe, if im lucky!!!!

My heart is broken, by body messed up, and my mind is totally drained.... How much longer am i supposed to inhabit this stupid earth.... Whats the point????

Stop the world... I wanna get off.
metmoo metmoo
Dec 10, 2012