I Am Emotionally Exhausted.
I'm so tired of the routine of pointlessness that my life has been taking for the past 18 months. It is now coming to being unbearable.
I'm 20 years old, and I finished at a foundation course at a theatre school and tried to get in again only to be turfed out over and over and over, despite travelling down to London by train to do 10 separate and completely fruitless auditions. I was even failed twice by one of my tutors at the previous place I was at, and he has the nerve to claim that I am gifted despite that! I've also decided to put getting into a relationship/whatever until I get into college, but the fact that my GCSEs and A levels are distinctly average has somewhat hampered all of that.
I can't get a job at the moment in my home town because nobody seems to be recruiting, so the best I can do as my family suggested to me is hours of unpaid volunteer work at a theatre group and at a school. It's OK, but it's tiring as well, and it sometimes feel that the only thing I get in return is a spiritual reward (the sort which I'm fairly cynical about). The only real reason I'm doing it is because I've got this hope that employers will be impressed enough to take me on. And my concentration in this was hampered a few weeks back after the death of a friend (see my entry in lost a friend to suicide).
I can't even bear to go on facebook to talk to people because all I see is photos of them having fun at university, getting drunk, laughing and being silly, and I feel ashamed to approach them and admit that my life is stuck in a loop. I miss them as well, and it's hard to persuade them to even answer my messages most of the time, let alone arrange a time to see one another again.
Also, the fact that they are approaching their final years in college and uni makes me feel even more ashamed as if I've failed to get in anywhere because I'm not quite as mature as they are.
My main hope at the moment is the access course I'm applying to in my home town, that I will get onto a university course elsewhere. My other hope is martial arts and physical performance because I think that because I love things like martial arts, fencing, stage combat and stunts, I should concentrate on being a stuntman and choreographer, since my acting hardly seems up to scratch. But in all honesty, I want to get away from all this loneliness, missing my friends, working hours of seemingly thankless work, I really need some time out right now.