In A Really Bad Spot Right Now

I need to vent. Thank you everyone for reading, I am having a really hard time right now.

People look at me and they think I am calm, cool, collected and heading somewhere. I have a Graduate Assistantship at school, and most students don't. I'm starting my student teaching this year. Few people know how hard I've worked to get where I am or how much abuse I have had to get past by my family and supposed friends.

I have a lot of good friends but today I am having a very bad day and I just need to vent. Here is my story:

Since the age of 17 I have worked full time while going to college full time. This wasn't pristine university college, it was state school college. If I stayed in high school I would have definitely gotten into an Ivy League school or at least a private school with a scholarship - I was top in my class. Instead, I dropped out to care for my psychotic mother and my siblings, who were trained by my psychotic parents to hate me. I saved them from mental living conditions, and they threw me out of their family. I have had to fight - really fight - to get my GED, study in less than ideal conditions, and work hard to make something of myself. I lived in poverty (and still do) for many years, often in dangerous places. I have been raped twice, on top of numerous encounters with simply dangerous people.

What do I have to show for it? Heaps of student loans. A husband who is Christian and cares for me, but gets frustrated when I can't be around to do normal wife things, like clean the house. He already told me he does not want kids. This was something I wanted, but wasn't 100% sure about. In my church, all of the women take time off to raise families. Instead, I will work, which is not hard for me to do, but sometimes I just want a break from constant school and work. My husband gets frustrated when I can't be a normal wife and we end up having big arguments ultimately because I cannot support him like a typical Christian wife does, and ALSO help work to pay off our living expenses and loans (he works too, but we have $160,000 in loans between the both of us and one salary is not going to cut it).

I have a month long BREAK - my first real break in 10 years! - in August. Of course, that is when my car breaks down. This isn't a big deal for most people but this was my ONE BREAK in so long, and I am exhausted. I planned on studying and sleeping. Instead I have to bring my husband to and from work every day, over an hour commute. No end in sight when the car will be fixed - it is an engine problem.

I am just tired and I want to know WHY nice people finish last sometimes. I am not dishonest, I do not cheat or steal and I try to be a good Christian. I know I have made mistakes but I really feel like I am going to have a mental breakdown. I need a break and cannot afford one. My husband hates me sometimes because I cannot be a good wife for him. We argue so much over stress and lack of money and ultimately the fact that I am not a good wife to him. I am just worn out and he does not understand. He hasn't had a privileged life but it has been so easier than mine. I can't blame him.

I try so hard yet somehow always have more loans, stress, and less success than others who cheat, lie, steal and do malicious things. My sisters, all who have been incredibly abusive to me, live at home and get everything paid for. I have been through so much. I feel like a terrible Christian for saying this, but sometimes I wonder - why can't I have an easier life?
picturebooklover picturebooklover
4 Responses Aug 4, 2010

dear one, <br />
remind your Christian husband of the following:<br />
<br />
1Co 13:3 I may give away everything that I own, I may even hand over my body to be burned; but if I lack love, I gain nothing. <br />
1Co 13:4 Love is patient and kind, not jealous, not boastful, <br />
1Co 13:5 not proud, rude or selfish, not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. <br />
1Co 13:6 Love does not gloat over other people's sins but takes its delight in the truth. <br />
1Co 13:7 Love always bears up, always trusts, always hopes, always endures. <br />
and<br />
Pro 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a great good; he has won the favor of Adonai<br />
and<br />
<br />
Eph 5:25 As for husbands, love your wives, just as the Messiah loved the Messianic Community, indeed, gave himself up on its behalf, <br />
Eph 5:26 in order to set it apart for God, making it clean through immersion in the mikveh, so to speak, <br />
Eph 5:27 in order to present the Messianic Community to himself as a bride to be proud of, without a spot, wrinkle or any such thing, but holy and without defect. <br />
Eph 5:28 This is how husbands ought to love their wives — like their own bodies; for the man who loves his wife is loving himself. <br />
Eph 5:29 Why, no one ever hated his own flesh! On the contrary, he feeds it well and takes care of it, just as the Messiah does the Messianic Community, <br />
<br />
your husband, before you owe him submission of any kind, owes you the love and care that he would give himself and thereby EARNS your respect and willingness to submit to him...<br />
when he can carry the burden of earning sufficient money for you to carry the whole burden of homemaking and being denied children, THEN those duties may be divided the way he would like them to be. until then, it is HIS DUTY to aid you in all things homeward to provide you with sufficient energy and strength and willingness to help him do HIS job for him, until he can do it alone.<br />
<br />
God bless you babygirl...and please, don't continue to call people Christians, who refuse to hear the word of God and whose primary concern is themselves. Christ teaches us that we should be last, then we shall be first, and that is how it should be. A woman should be allowed to submit to her husband but if he cannot bear his end of it, love ,support, patience, sacrifice, then that permission is denied and he has no say in how things go in his own household. <br />
take care

Thank you Serendipity for your thoughtful and honest response. @Wonders, you are right that life is not easy for everyone, but are wrong to assume that myself and other Christians have unrealistic expectations about our faith. You make it very clear to me the person I never want to become: bitter, hardened and un-empathetic to the world. Open your eyes. I pray that someone will come into your life and melt your heart back to how it once was.

Life's not supposed to be easy, and that is a hard fact to accept especially for those who think that being considered a Christian is supposed to solve all of life's problems and difficulties. The best advice I can give you is to read your bible and pray.

I read your story and iit resonated with me. I wonder as well why things go so wrong. Its tough for me as well to look at ohers and assume things are going well for them.<br />
I am sorry abou the stressful relationship you are having with your husband it is so hard whrn the person you love is fighting with you. <br />
My friend says that once you find love the money will come. When you are done with school you will be able to pay of your school loans. People pay them off well into their 40's these days. Don't worry it will work out have faith.<br />
If your relationship with your husband continues to be stressful maybe your church's priest can help with some couple counselling. Don't beat your self up, know you are trying your best and you are doing what you can with the hand you have been dealt with.