No One To Relate To
My life seems to be just a series of one bad decision after the other. Whether the decision was mine or out of my control im the one that has to live my life. For starters I was born pretty much in the middle of my parent divorce and I was not planned and my parents had already been married for 17 years and were at their breaking point. So I had to move with my mother into a different state and only got to see my father over summer and holiday and all that. Well nothing new, my mother did not make as much money as my father so I had a hard life growing up with minimal effort on my father's part. Not that he was arround, just not there for the important stuff. I didnt have the worst childhood but my parents had me at 39 so they were always a little behind every one elses parents, I was very sheltered and didnt have alot of friends because my mother and I were always moving. By the time i was in highschool I didnt really know what to think, I had finally grew into myself and was getting attention from boys and then the really serious bad desicions came along. My mother started letting boys stay over, and I was my fault, I asked and begged and just really wanted the company. The only best friends I have ever had were my boyfriends, the only girls I ever got close to just found a way to hurt me so it didnt seem worth it to bother with them.By the time my 16th birthday came around I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with my son, which is a whole other messed up story in itself. After my son was born my mother tookover most of the responcibilities, which she is amazing for bc not every mother would do that, but she gave me the ability to continue school and have a normal teenage life. The thing is after that it never got "normal" I just went from one long term relationship to the other constantly getting hurt by some one who wasn't ready to love me the way I was able to love them. How was I supposed to be a normal teenager when none of what I was feeling was normal. I couldnt really make good friends, the burden of my mother taking care of my child andshe wasnt shy of throwing it in my face. The relationships I had after that messed with everthing In my life, I didnt go away to college for a bf, I took a year off of college to work for plans I had made with a different bf, finally one guy stole money from me, he lied, he smoked crack and God knows what other drugs, and I couldnt take it any more. Now I am 23, I finally have made it most of the way through college,my son still lives with my mother and we are not much better than we were years ago, I hate everything about my past, I blame myself, I blame my mother, and yet all the blaming in the work doesnt make anything better at all. I still feel like Im trapped in a life that wasnt suposed to be this way. I have tried to change or improve my life, the past still haunts me so much. I cant seem to find any one that I can relate to. Yeah I have a few friends, none of which get me, I dont even think my boyfriend gets me, he just sees that im sad most of the time and hates it , he doesnt understand why I can't just be happy, honestly im not sure. I have all of this and nothing but a list of where I could have changed something and I could be different now, my whole life I have just triend to make myself happy, and I ended up ruinng myself, no one i know understands that, my friends who are like me they do not think like me, they either have nothing and are content with their lives or they have every thing and still arent happy. I just wish i knew where to go from here.