Not Pious, Nor Submissive, Nor Pure.

I'm in the 11th grade in a normal high school in a normal town. I have great friends, parents who get me virtually everything I want, pretty good grades, a cool brother, and a great boyfriend. I'm not here to complain about how I think I'm ugly or how my parents are unfair because in all honesty, I'm fairly pretty and my parents love me more than life itself. I have things going for me basically. But lately, I don't know what to do about my "love life." However existant that may be when you're 17, right? Today in my Lit class, we discussed the "ideal woman" a little before the Progressive Era and flappers and such. The ideal woman was pious, submissive, and pure. Not that me not being this ideal woman really bothers me, except for the fact I feel that my boyfriend expects me to be 2 of the 3--which I don't think I'm willing to do. Now don't get me wrong, my boyfriend is damn near close to perfect. We've been together for two years and close to two months but lately, I don't know why but I've been acting wierldly towards him and I can't explain why. He's sweet, he calls every night and we talk for at least an hour about anything and everything, or used to anyway. He would do anything for me, anything I ask for, he can make happen.He's hilarious, I couldn't begin to describe the things we talk about or that he says. He listens, the two years that we've been together, I can go to him about anything, a problem, a joke, a thought--anything. He's sensitive, I'm pretty much a ***** when I PMS and he takes all that I throw at him and when I cry from feeling bad that I threw a tantrum, he's there to console me without a second thought.  But then. Why am I thinking this? Maybe it has to do with the fact that I might like another boy.. But before you go calling me an adulturess, or a two-timer, or go ahead and mark my with a scarlet A, hear me out. I haven't actually done anything really wrong. This other boy I've known for about three years. When I first met him, I immediately liked him. It was a silly crush of course, but I think in my subconscious it's carried over. We became friends almost automatically making our friendship three years too. But in the beginning it was just a slow, surface friendship, nothing too intimate or anything. So we move on to freshman year. I went through first semester being friends with both guys. Nothing really said anything to me about them. I had no feelings for either. But towards Christmas of freshman year, I started talking more to my current boyfriend and what do you know? We started going out come New Years. And everything was beautiful for a good long time. I felt I was in love and I'd possibly found the right one. I'd even contemplated marriage a lot. But now we're in sophomore year. All my classes with my boyfriend are now non-existant. Instead, into the picture comes my friend. Let's call him Jake. Jake is one of those guys that definitely turns girls heads. His smile is a little goofy but overall, he's what most girls would classify as a babe haha. He has hazel eyes and dark brown hair that would make any girl's heart jump. He's tall and definitely one of the better looking boys at my school. Jake was always one of those hard to get guys that no girl in her right mind would ever pursue for real because he subconsciously flirted with any girl who batted her lashes at him though. But it would be my luck and charm that finally, after two years, he starts to fall for me. Great. So throughout first semester of sophomore year, we got closer and closer and eventually, he admitted to liking me and I to being attracted to him. Jake basically told me he was willing to wait for me. But I was to find out later that he only meant for a little while. And as time went on, I saw that he wasn't dependable. I would get jealous of the girls he flirted with and sometimes acted like his girlfriend just to have him remind me that I wasn't. It wasn't harsh, but it was enough to put me in my place. At one point in time though, I really considered leaving my current boyfriend for Jake. But the closer we got, the more I realized that my attraction to him was mostly physical. I wouldn't mind a relationship, but I also wouldn't have minded a fling. But soon after, both of our consciences got the better of us and we grew apart and mostly stopped talking. Out of sight, out of mind, right? And for a good long while, Jake only flitted through my thoughts as a meaningless face. Beautiful, but it meant nothing. We were friends and nothing more. I was back to the sunshine with my boyfriend. And through sophomore year, my boyfriend knew nothing of what was really happening except for the fact that we were really good friends. It's junior year now and everything up until now was pretty good. Nothing too major happened. But lately, I've been talking to Jake again and we've established that we're very close to what we used to be. But this time, instead of only having the need for him in a physical sense, it's also sparked new feelings in me. Feelings I'd never felt about my boyfriend before. Like annoyance and embarrassment. Before when I would ignore how people looked at us, it now bothers me.. I feel trapped by him except for the fact that he does nothing to suffocate me. He has always been there for me but I don't think I want him forever anymore. I'm not sure. But.. I think I know a way to see if I still need to be with him.. I know it's wrong but I feel like I need to do it. I feel like I need to cheat on him to confirm or negate any doubts I'm having. However wrong this is, Jake is ready when I am but I don't know if I'm at the level where that's my only option. I can't be submissive and be the perfect, sweet, moral conscious girl people think girls should be. I can't be pure and not have these thoughts about other guys. That just isn't who I am. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to any of my friends about this because my best friend would judge me as much as she would try not to and my friend who understands can't keep a secret to save her life. These feelings are eating me up inside.So I turn to you. What do I do?
FCHStigerette FCHStigerette
1 Response Mar 2, 2011

I think the reality is... Its not your boyfriend that bothers you... Your unhappy with you... You need to sit down and ask yourself why that is. Why is it that people staring at you bothers you... I don't belive its the boyfriend thing at all.... I think you yourself have issues you need to deal with...