Suicide Thoughts

here i am again..staring blankly at my pc then these thoughts of self pity and self harm invaded my mind..thoughts that i cant comprehend why it went inside my head..thoughts that i needed to cease immediately or else these will lead to further damage..i need someone to talk to..i badly need you..yesterday was one of the best days of my life..i kept missing you even though youre just right here by my side..we ate lunch together which surprised me cause i never thought that spending time with only me and you will ever happen again..as it had years ago when we see each other everyday..

the night before yesterday, i plan to tell you everything..i was repeating the words that i was about to tell you..i was supposed to confide in you..to confess to you what i really feel for you, to tell you how much i am really in love with you..i wanted to tell you why i cant stand not reaching out to you..why i cant stood you up when we had our hangouts and chill times..why i would suffer the consequences of being sleep-deprived just to chill and chat with you until dusk or dawn..why i dont care being a mess as long as youre happy and i see that amazing smile on your face..why i would sacrifice or do anything for you without even hesitating or thinking twice..i dont really know why i did these things for you and somehow i'll even do it again and again..and yes, even catching a grenade and a bullet for you..but as chicken sh*t that i always am..i kept my mouth shut from all of these..

**** this!!!i must really be out of my freakin mind..im too stupid and crazy to be your best friend..im even the biggest fool of all fools to fall for you..youre my best friend for god sakes..youre even a girl and so am i..and i really dont have any f*ckin idea why it has to be you..but what bothers me most is why i cant be straight????why do i have to be attracted more to girls than guys???am i ugly or something??am i not girl enough or even human enough to make somebody fall in love me???i even asked why do i have to live in a country that is so much of a kiss-*** to its religion that almost all taboos are treated immoral..i live in a country with narrow and close minds that quickly judges you for every mistake that you made..

these thoughts are overcrowding my tiny brain..questions that needs answers and answers that leads to more questions..and when i finally cant take it anymore..suicide comes into thinking..i thought about infecting myself with a disease that kills me quickly or crashing my car somewhere and make it look like an accident..or shot myself while standing on the ledge of a bridge..so that when i pull the trigger i would fall into the ocean and wont be found..i just want to disappear from this place..i want to kill myself but then again i have to be grateful to be alive..sooner or later i wont be..

i badly need someone to talk to..for i fear that i cant hold on much longer..
redchic4 redchic4
22-25, F
May 12, 2012