-and Now I Cant Trust Men At All.

I don't want this to sound depressive, and I don't want people to think I mope about all day over iit or get paranoid, but it's just a problem that's nested in my mind now and no matter what i do it will always be there.
This isn't meant to be a sob story,i definitely don't sob about it, but it does affect me more than i realise.
So, I'm 18 years old, at the age of 4 my dad left for another woman, which as a child made me regress in my education and have consistent nightmares. As i've grown up things have been stable and fine, i've seen my dad regularly and nothing has really been rocky there- so thats the back story, and what i think probably planted the fear in my mind as a seed almost.
In May of 2011 started going out with my best friend of 4 years. We were together for 3 months, then i broke up with him because he became desperate for affection and clingy. At the end of august we got back together but he had a habit of always wanting sex, not in a rape-y kind of way but whenever there was an opportunity he would wanna take it. Now I'm still human and 'm not saying i dislike sex in any way, but he made it painful and uncomfortable, and an experience that i wanted to avoid. Thus in January when he swanned off on holiday with his best friend, he cheated on me. When he told me, he also broke up with me claiming he didn't deserve me and yaddah yaddah, then when i went to his house to give him a good old earful and give him his things back, he had the girl he'd cheated on me with round for dinner and staying for the weekend, for me that was the most offensive part. Now, i say all this like it was so dreadful, and it was at the time but truth be told i never really loved him all that much so i cant go as far as to say i was heartbroken, however he was my best friend of 4 years and he decided to disregard that completely for the sake of sex....well thanks for that you *****. So anyway, cut him out my life and had a good old whine and a cry for a few months then tried to get back on my feet- only the guy i liked lead me on then made out with my friend in front of me....it was pretty **** luck.
So, as a wounded soldier i trooped on and tried to just carry on as normal- then I met Alex.
Alex had been my brothers best friend for 15 years, although i saw very little of him in that time, but when i did i was very much attracted to him. Now the thing is my mum and brother are VERY intuitive and definitely do NOT trust easily, they can read people like a book, and if i've learnt ANYTHING in my 18 years worth holding onto, it's that my mum is ALWAYS right. So with this in mind, when we went to a football match of my brothers to which alex was invited, she the entirity of it elbowing me and nodding at him in a "ohh yeah, he's really lovely you should go for him" sort of fashion, so, I did. We pressured my brother (oops..) into telling alex i liked him. Alex responded by checking it was okay with my brother, then found me on facebook. We talked alot and exchanged numbers and now 8 months on, knocking on 9, i'm crazy in love with him and we're still together. He's completely perfect in every way to me and i worship the earth he walks on- I am DANGEROUSLY in love with him.
Why dangerously? Because i fear that if anything were to happen, if he were to leave me, or worse CHEAT on me, i think it would destroy me as a person and i cant even predict what i would do, it's unbearable just thinking about it.
So all that said, here's my predicament; I'm living in fear of being cheated on again, not that i assume alex will because by all accounts he's completely trustworthy however having had my dad leave my mum, my boyfriend cheat on me, hear my brother consider cheating and then to find out that years ago my grandad (my role model) cheated on my grandma, it's left me in this god awful frae of ind where i'm utterly convinced that every man on earth could potentially cheat when it comes down to sex- that is, given the situation. For example:
Jim and Carol have a normal life (after all, no one REALLY wants perfection, people love an argument) They're married with a house and stable jobs and, beside the occasional couples bicker, they're completely happy and in love however jim has a problem, he's been very horny for a couple of weeks but carol hasnt been in the mood for sex at all. So one night when Jim is out with his mates who arent that friendly with carol, and carol is away visiting family, an incredibly attractive blonde bombshell with all the right shapes and sizes starts to flirt with him at the bar, basically offering herself up to him on a silver platter, and he cannot refuse. And so he cheats on carol for the sake of sex.
Moral of the story? SEX > LOVE
Sounds depressing i know, but from what i've experienced, that's what I've learnt, and i in honesty i don't want to think alex could cheat on me, and i don't want him to think that i think that either. The thing is in my heart i know he wont ever do it, and i like to think i trust him, but there has been times because of my stupid psychological problem, where i have wanted to check his texts and his facebook and go out on the town when he does just to make sure. My other problem is i'm incredibly insecure, cant say no to anyone and have very little self esteem.

If somebody can offer me a little positivism or happier stories that don't end in heartbreak, it would be my holy grail.
YellowDuckling YellowDuckling
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 5, 2013

Everyone human, regardless of gender, has the potential to cheat on their partner. However, there are a lot of marriages or relationships that have gone incredibly well. Just enjoy him and don't be so obsessive about the thought of him cheating on you. It may be difficult to stop worrying, but you should do it anyways. Besides, I think it is kinda hurtful when you find out your partner doesn't trust you enough. (meaning you worrying about him cheating on you) I mean no offense or disrespect by this, I just try and give the best advice I can.