I Am Here.

I'm a 58-year-old guy who is figuring out that he never was able to figure things out. All the education, a 140 IQ, always having the freedom to do whatever pleased me and I never managed to end up where I wanted to go in life. I haven't ended up in a particularly bad place. Just an unimpressive one.

But you know, I chose this. And there is a certain satisfaction and self-justification in that. And I chose it for a reason. It seems that every time I got close to something called success, I decided that the price of success was simply one I was not willing to pay. Whether it involved a compromise of my integrity by cheating (everybody at the top cheats!) or an excessive demand on my personal resources (60 hours per week is just too much work!) or merely the realization that I did not have the necessary skills or disposition to earn the prize, I have always been uninterested in "doing what it takes" to be "successful" in society's view. Actually, I am completely OK with where my choices have brought me. But I do sometimes wonder if I'm really telling myself the truth.

Many people along the way have shared their wisdom with me, such as it was. Much of it was difficult to swallow. Some of it I rejected out of hand. And in all cases, the advice had to pass muster against my own judgement. In other words....I had to learn the hard way. It seems to me now that that is just the way it is with young adults. Hell, I'm still that way. It just doesn't feel safe to go where others have tread before me. I trust my own judgement best. So, off I go, hacking away at the jungle of life with machete of my own judgement. And when I end up in the quicksand, I feel good because I got there all on my own. As a result I have become pretty damn good at swimming through quicksand. I just never learned how to avoid it.

So....here I am...like on the map at the roadside rest stop, "You are Here". With a big red arrow pointing at the place I have arrived but from which I am soon to depart.
icDavey icDavey
61-65, M
2 Responses Jan 22, 2013

I feel very similar, I m smart, well educated, have had a lot of great opportunities in life that I have either just not taken, cared about at the time, or simply screwed up.
I do realise that self sabotage and emotional issues have often held me up in the wrong place, but at the same time I think I can accept that, that is just me.
I have never held the same opinions as some on success, many would say that I am an underacheiver who has failed to live up to my potential. In a lot of ways though, I view as me having a different internal compass sometimes, and a different idea of what success means to me. I completely identify with not wanting to make certain sacrifices that are necessary to acheive certain things in life. Thanks for sharing.

I know exactly how you feel. I am where I put myself. At least you're okay with it I'm not. I have to do something to get out of this train wreck I've created. I simply hate (a word I use sparingly) where I am in life. I have to figure it out.

Can you say more?