20 years, 9 months, and 9 days.I should probably start by saying I come from wealthy parents and as a child I got all the toys I could have dreamed on and holidays to places most people will never have the chance to go on. But it all goes downhill with my mum, she is a very depressed, unhappy person (due to her abusive childhood) who drinks and when she is drunk she becomes a very nasty person towards me. My dad on the other works away, missed very important significant times in my childhood and thought he could make up to them by giving me money. I am 20 years old now and the last time I spent any special dad/daughter time with my dad was when I was 11 and he took me to the cinema one afternoon.
As for my other family, they don't bother with me unless they want money off my dad so I get the odd hello and happy birthday comment on my facebook wall once a year from them. I had a Granddad who I felt so much unconditional from as a child but he's now passed and I miss him deeply still after 15 years. I had a great grandmother too named Molly, she was my best friend for 19 years and I was hers. I spent so much time with her growing up as I've never had many friends and she loved me more than anyone ever could. It was unconditional and even when I was in the wrong I felt even more love than ever from her. She was my rock and my best friend. She died February 5th 2012 and from the second I was told that she passed at the age of 91 every last piece of unconditional love I had ever felt left my world and it tore me apart. I will never get over the fact I was never allowed to go see when she was dying because everyone knew I would have been heartbroken but as I never got to say good bye to her at her funeral I sat watching her coffin and she appeared standing next to it in her blue cardigan and old fashioned tea dress. It kills me that I will never see her again in my life and I don't think I will ever get over that fact. I miss her every day.
As for my relationship with men, nothing lasts forever and I get hurt often. I recently went to a friends wedding and began a relationship with the grooms brother. I treated him like a King and he treated me like a princess. I told him about my family life and he was very understanding. He knew that my Christmas day was very unhappy and as my parents don't bother with presents any more I had no real purpose to get out of bed for more than a bathroom break or food runs to the kitchen. So he invited me over to spend Christmas and Boxing day with him and his family and it was the happiest Christmas I have ever had in my life. He used to tell me that I was HIS "lovely Kate" and tell me how beautiful I am. I know he doesnt love me, but I felt wanted around him and that was enough. I was so happy. Happier than I had ever been. Then he ended it saying he was still hung up on his ex and he shouldn't have got into a relationship with me so soon. I admire his honestly but I am left so hurt. I
This now goes onto my OCD. For as long as I can remember I have been very particular as for how I like things to organised. I don't like physical contact with people unless I am comfortable around them for example shaking a strangers hand, taking money from shop assistants or customers hands (I work in a coffee shop) and the thought of having my hand kissed by a strange man can send shivers down my spine. I like things done to be a certain way and in a certain order. Not only do I like them to be spotless as well from any harmful bacteria. In 2009 I finally had the guts to go to my doctor and I was tested for OCD and with no surprise I am.
My obsessive thoughts have been as bad as I thought I would catch HIV if I left my bedroom, therefore I dropped out of college and quit my job at the age of 17. I would only leave my bedroom before sunset because the fear of being in the dark outside of my bedroom was too much and was scared something bad would happen to me. I then managed to pick up the courage to go get tested for HIV and any other nasties even though my sex life is pretty slim, once again I did not have it. But I still went every month for the next 7 months. The staff were pretty annoyed at seeing my face but were very comforting and understand with my condition. I will be forever grateful for their kindness.
I got the point with my OCD that I started dreaming in OCD and by this I mean I went to sleep and had a dream that something in my real awake life was happening in my dream. - It is very hard to explain but for an example that I have to check that everyone is off or closed before I leave the house or my work like; fridge/freezer doors, switches, ovens, hobs, windows, taps and doors. Those just for a few examples. - So I would have a dream that I had left the bath taps running and my house had flooded and people had been hurt or died that I caused damage. Things like that. In the end I had no escape from it.
My school life. - I was popular in my school days, I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to be a politician or a famous show girl. I wanted to be admired. I had a school life persona. I was on the school council, I was in every drama and singing production there was. If there was a sports team for girls, I was on it. I was bullied in school by a minority of people. I've never been an intellectual person, I always learned by doing rather than listening. I always had a love for history though, even at a small primary school age I was reading adult books about the good, the bad and ugly people who walked this earth. My favourite people in history is Anne Boleyn and Marie Antoinette. Two very deeply lonely women who lost their heads due to the unlawful satisfaction of men. Even a love for books is not enough to heal a child's loneliness.
I have an older brother to which I call Ali, although thats not his real name. We have never been close, I can't talk to him as he doesn't want to know me. Which hurts because I love him unconditionally as he's my big brother but my dad once told me that he doesn't even like me and that really hurts. He has a fantastic relationship with both of my parents it destroys my heart that I don't. I don't know if I did anything terrible as a child or if that's just how things have planned out but I would love to have had a relationship like that with both of my parents.
Now onto my relationship with friends - As stated before I was a very lonely child and spent a lot of time with my elderly great grandmother growing up. I don't have friends for very often. I seem to push them away during my moments of depression and anxiety. Four friends always kept often though. I don't see either as much as I would like. I'm not a very social person and not a keen drinker as when I drink I can get upset sometimes and its hard to tell when it will happen. So the best thing is to avoid that situation altogether. But those friends have their own lives and their own group of friends and I respect that. Other friends come and go in my life but none stay around when they know I have OCD. Sad but true.
I started my fourth job in 2011 in the coffee shop ( I am still here today). I found it really hard coming out of my shell and dealing with my anxieties face on. It some what helped mainly because I had something to do and I was talking to people face to face and not to people over the internet. I grew as a person in my job but over came a lot of hardships at the same time. My OCD for checking things has became slightly worse but I have began to have little ways of dealing with things. Since I started working here I have become more sociable and after so long I have decided that its time to move on as I can't make a life for myself off a part time job on minimum wage. I start my new job the 4th February 2013 in a call centre with nearly double wage and double the hours. I am very excited but very anxious at the same time. No one there knows I have OCD and I am not sure it is a good idea to tell people or not yet.
The next person I should tell you about is Umar. I found him on a dating website of all places. I only went on it because I was curious and a little lonely. I met him though regardless. We have never met in person but I have grown very fond of him as friend although he could possibly be described as a sponsor or carer. Although I tell him my problems and he helps me when he can sometimes the distance causes trouble because he would like to look after me properly in person but as horrible as it sounds I don't want him to be physically in my life right now. I have times when i push him away and when I need him most I feel guilty about text or calling him after I pushed him away. I don't want to make him feel like he is being used.
I decided that I needed a religion during my period of isolation, I need an unconditional way of comfort and I hear many people are comforted in times of need by their religion. Within that time I looked more into Islam. I read everything I could about Islam. I joined websites, forums, message boards just to learn more. In the summer of 2012 before the fasting festival of Ramadan I read over a facebook I learned that a women's mosque was holding Sunday lessons to learn more about the festival and Islam. A girl I went to school was also interested so we decided to go together. I will forever have this girl as a friend. I became friends with her family and their friends. I now have an English copy of the Koran, which was a gift to me by an Islamic friend and I read it and completely understand. I have not converted to Islam, perhaps I just had curiosity or perhaps I am waiting for my moment to take my Shahadah. I get comfort from readings and stories from Islam but I also get comfort from the biblical stories about morals. I still have no religion.
This brings me back to the man that broke my heart, I am constantly in need of reassurance and I have the greatest fear of being rejected. My jealously cursed the relationship from the start. I tried my hardest every day not to be jealous but its very hard not to be something when its glued and fixed into your head. When he ended it with me. I actually begged him not to do it, I was so happy with him. He helped my OCD and he understood me more than anyone and way more than doctors. I felt like everything was ripped away from me. My heart was broken. I went home and drank myself sick and I started scratching my legs. Not enough to make them bleed, not enough to scar, not even to make a permanent mark. just enough to hurt. I never thought about self harming before even when I lived alone in my bedroom away from every other living person. I wasn't doing it for attention or because I wanted to do. I done it because my heart was hurting so much I wanted to take the pain away. Each time my leg was sore I felt less pain in my heart.
I promised that I would not do it again, so it brings me to this moment right now where I am telling people my story, most in hope that I can find a friend or someone who understands my heart ache of a life. I know people in the world have it far worse than myself but it doesn't matter how much money you have, where you live or who loves you. OCD and a lonely heart are the hardest things to heal. Although it might seem to many that I have people around me but I could stand in a room with one thousand people but I will always feel alone and afraid.
It's so sad but I'll always dream that he will come back to me and we will be happier but there are dreams that can not be. I always dreamed that my life would be so different from this hell I'm living . Why does every second feel so worthless?
I know what and I find it hard to deal with that I will never have it. I just want to be wanted, I don't care about being loved anymore, I just want to be wanted and to be happy.
An EP User 1 Response 0 Jan 23, 2013