Am I Wrong In This???

I have alot of my own stuff going on, but there is one hing.....well person who makes me so mad I forget what I am dealing with!  I should start at the beginging I guess................

I'm 26yrs old, married for almost 3yrs, but with this man for almost 6yrs. In all we have 6 children. 4 are his from previouse, 1 is mine from previouse, and 1 is ours together. I love them all as if I had given birth to each of them. For the first 3yrs of our relationship we were aloud only limited time with 2 of his children. I'm not sure why he never went for custody of them then. I think its because how much he hates their mother. I think the thought of dealing with her any more then what she aloud him to see his children, just got to him. From th emoment we started dateing she was an issue. She followed us around the first time we went out, she called him non stop while we were on dates, she would drive up to my house, to visit with a mutual friend who until then she never really bothered with. She would e-mail him, send him letters in reg. mail you name it. I mean the day after our first date, she started calling my house @ 6am, and then showed up out of the clear blue. I had no idea who she was or what she looked like, and she only knew my name. I remember bing woken by the phone so much I finally turned the ringer off, then the knocking @ the door started........I was the one to open it. I was 20 at the time, and weighed about 103lbs lol, and I open this door n here stands this raggedy looking woman with dirty feet and no shoes on, in her 30's yelling "who the f**** is Aspen!?" I remember the look on her face when I told her it was me and asked if she had a problem I could help her deal with? lol It was just never ending! She was always there no matter where we went, and it was always a fight to see the kids. Then when we did see them, they were dirty, and had clothes to small or to big, or inapropriate for the weather etc...........she went so far as to move into the house directly next to ours, so our yards touched! The kids would get hit if they spoke to us with out her saying it was ok....the list goes on!! They would see us out side with the other kids, and want to come over, and she would stand there and tell them no they weren't aloud at our house, then call the cops when I would get mad n tell her they could come over any damned time they wanted and she could kiss my ***! Half the time she would just drop the kids with some family member of hers, or their older sister who was between the ages of 13 and 15 the.... Ughhhh the drama........and the money shelled out in fines for dissorderly conduct etc.......if only I had been smarter then......but dont we all ( well most of us) learn as we grow older?? In 2005 Children and Youth Protective Services contacted us. They wanted to know if they took the children if we would take them..........like we would say no??? We thought they would be with us in no time, and life for us and them would be normal! But they just monitored her.......I got smart then, when I would see the children I took tons of pictures, when they came with bruises I would write t down. When she alowed them to jump off a deck onto one of those big trampolines that was as  high as the deck, I was in the window taking pictures and on the phone with the CYPS case worker......when she let them jump off the trampoline into one of those simple set pools that only had 3ft of water in it, I was taking pictures and on the phone again.......when she left the children with the man across the street, whom we learned from a little birdy was a child molester (which she knew) my hubby was there to take the kids, but of course as soon as we let them out to play she would yell at them and thinking they had to listen they would go to her (they were between the ages of 4 and 8 then) I have 3 ring binders filled to the point of ripping, with all the info from CYPS and our own things. In 2006 my hsuband was able to talk her into letting the children stay with us. He told her he had heard they were out of controle and he wanted to give them a reality check, and for some reason she fell for it, and handed them over!!!  I wasn't always mean to her, I did TRY to help her a number of times. I TRIED to help her clean up her home (which was roach and flee infested!!!!!) so that she would at the least be able to visit with the children when their custody was finally given fully to us. I tried talking to her about the things that stressed her and just how to be a better person in general...but it did me no good. Two months after she let us take them, CYPS called and emergency hearing. We went to court, and since my husband and I were not yet married then I had to sit out side.........I sat there so scared that they wouldagain go for monitoring her and we would have to get a lawyer to get her out of controlle.......the judge gave her oldest daughter to her father and step mother, and called for a motion to continue because the children were so upset at having to go through and hear all that was going on in the court room. I remember holding them tightly and telling them how much I loved them, and praying the judge would terminate her rights........when we finally did go in for the continuation, I was aloud in the room, we had married in those few months. On September 14, 2006 the judge told us he was giving full custody of the children to us, BUT we to had to work with CYPS, as he wanted to be sure they wouldn't end up in the same situation. We did EVERYTHING tha they asked of us, while she continued to do hardley anything. The judge said our lawyers and us needed to come up with a custody arangment. CYPS and the judge agreed that she would not be aloud to keep them over night, she would not be aloud to leave with them un less they were properly restrained, etc etc. We decided to set the order to say she could not have ANY over nights with the children until she completled EVERYTHING CYPS asked of her, and they and the judge determined she was capable. We gave her 6hrs every tuesday night, and 8 hrs every other saturday and sunday. From Sept. - Nov. 2006 she saw them about 4 times, and it wasn't until we refused to let her have any contact until she signed the papers, tha she did actally sign them. She wouldn't take them tuesdays, and only about once a month did she take them on both days, or at all. We moved to a bigger home in a better school district. The children were in kindergarden and 2nd grade then. She has never been to their school which they still attend now, she has NEVER met ANY of their teachers let alone spoke to them,she has no clue what their grades are in school. Since moveing to our new home, she has seen them VERY speradically, and we have had to deny her visitation on occasion beause she did not come with a proper booster seat, or a vehicle that even had seats or seat belts. I've tryed a few times to be friendly with her, and get her more involved, she seems to be doing well then bam all the sudden she's gone again. At this point she has not seen nore spoken to them since Oct.2nd. and has not paied ANY child support since Sept. 8th.  Over the summer she was around all the time, she cleaned up her act to the point we trusted her around our youngest child! She had a guy in her life who seemed to be great for her and the children, and we often invited them over for cook outs, or to be involved in other functions IE: the other children's b-days that are not hers, mothers day, fathers day etc. one night after a visit we found a crack pipe in our yard. We confronted her, and she admited her b/f was useing. We told her that she would no longer be aloud to take te children away from our home, as long as she continued her relationship with him, and he would no longer be welcome at or near or home. She stopped all communication with us and the children after that, until the older of the 2's b-day which is Oct 1st. She called that day and asked if she could please bring him a gift. We said fine. Later she called and asked if we would alow her to take both children to her mothers house, if her father picked them up and the boyfriend was not around. We spoke to her parents and they agreed with us he would not be aloud near the children, and she would be aloud her visit for that day. When she came back to drop them off, she said she really wanted to talk. She started crying and said she was so sorry for everything, and she had asked the b/f to get out of her life etc. She had her reg. visitation with the children that weekend but @ her parents. She would call me in the middle of the night and cry and talk about ending her life. For a week I put up with it, and tried to talk sence to her, and told her she could be such a great person if she would just stop being so stupid! One day no calls, then 3 days nothing.....we hea a rumor that b/f is back. So hubby and I confront her, she has nothing to say, except t yell at us that we are trying to controle her life, and he is clean and its just a drug blah blah blah. At that point my hubby and I decided we couldn't let her do this to the children any more. So we contacted her after speaking to our lawyer. We informed her that because she was staying in a place where people were doing drugs, (which she had told us her self) she would no longer be aloud to leave with the children. She could see them only at our home. Nothing from her...........so hubby told her point blank make a decision, either him (the b/f) or her kids, because as long as he was involved in her life, we did not trust her to make good choices involving the children. He told her she can call them any time, but will not be aloud to take them or come to our home as long as she is involved with this guy. She chose him. After a month of no contact we taked to our lawyer about our options. It was decided that her visitation would be revoked, until she contacted our lawyer to set it back up, and then only if she had a stable environment for the children to be in and stable people for them to be around. As I said she hasn't seen or spoken to them since Oct.......................The kids call me mommy, they have done so for 3yrs now. When they have meetings @ school, I am introduced as mom. A few months ago, I picked them up from school, and they wanted to ask their teachers for donaitions for their alzheimers awareness walk for their grandfather (my father) as we walked to their different teachers ( the eldest has emotional support, math and reading support ) they prouley showed me all their work haanging and their desks in each room, or where they had sat the year prior if it was a teacher from a prior year....... when we got to the eldest's support teachers room, one of his teachers whom is new this year and I hadn't gotten a chance to meet yet was there. As he was showing me around, he teacher remarked "soo this is mom huh?? now I see where you get your looks.....well mom hes doing great this year and wonderful to have in class, you should be very proud of him" with my other 2 step children, when a remark like that is made, the answer is always thank you, and then of course I am always referred to step mom, or the teacher is corrected by the child........... but never with these 2. With out missing a beat he just looked up @ me and smiled and I smiled back, and said thank you to his teacher and told her I am VERY proud of him. Its always like this no one except some of their friends at the school know any different. They both always smile when someone walks up to me and says "wow they sure look like you, or gee mom your doing a great job, or you have some great kids there" we smile and say thank you. Although they don't really look like me lol they both have VERY red hair and I and their father have blonde and brown hair. As far as I am concerned they are MY children! I AM their MOM!    When I see the person who gave birth to them it angers me, it angers me to think of her! When I look at MY children it angers me she could be like this with them!  Recently my husband and I attended the HINDER/MOTLEY CRUE concert. A friend of my husband bought the tickets and we all went. We had heard rumor she might be there.  Wouldn't you know she did go!!! An to top it off she had gotten 3 floor seats!!! When I saw her it made me so mad, I ran down the steps to the rail over looking where she was, and started yelling at her, asking her how she could afford 3 floor tickets to one of the biggest concerts of the year, yet hasn't paid her child support since Sept. and has nothing to do with her children. I know I made an *** out of my self in the process, but all I wanted to do was make that 5ft jump down, and beat the crap out of her!!!  Yet part of me thinks I shoudl just let it go, se'll get hers in the end...........but that other part, the part that takes such pride in these 2 beautiful children wants to strangle her!!!!  My oldest son lives with my parents. He has for about 4yrs now. Hubby and I had a rough patch, and I felt like my parents at that time ( i wasn'y working and was preggo with the youngest ) good take and provide a better life for my son. So I went with them to a lawyer and I signed over majority physical custody. I have visitation every other weekend. I talk to my son at the least once a week, when he has a meeting @ school I m right there, or if I can't be there in person I make sure I can join in by phone, I pay for my son's insurance, I buy grocery's for my parents, I get things my son needs for school etc. they do not ask for child support, nor have they ever although they have every right to do so. If my son has a dr. appt. I am there no matter what its for. If he has a problem at school I do my best to resolve it. I work with him on spelling and math, or other projects when he has homework while with me. Not a day goes by that I ever think to my self does my son know I love him?? I know he knows, because I tell him all the time! I never wonder anything, because I know everything. I have conferances with his teacher etc. you name it I am as involved as I possibly can be!!!! His teachers know my #, my email addy etc.................even though he is not with me 100% of the time I am 100% involved!! Its the same with these 2! So my question is am I wrong for hateing her so much!!??

JustWant2BPainFree JustWant2BPainFree
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 11, 2009

I can tell you both, the problems still go on when the kids are grown and the child support stops. When they play sports, when they go to college, when they get married and when they have children.The only way out is move to another country.Or make a new life for you and your children. I had several break downes it was 25 years of pure hell and that did not include, all I went through with his mother,I was not their faith so I was an out cast from day one.It's like they are married to,two family's.Also my husband is still a little boy to his mother. IT SEEM TO NEVER END.<br />
My heart goes out to both of you.Stay strong.

Shared pain is bared pain. That is all part of being a mother and a step-mother, I know you had no idea that this was going to happen, neither did I. Now I am wondering if my loving himis strong enough to get over her intolerable behavior. not to mention her consistent interferrance in everything we try to help the child. So, to answer the question"should you hate her?" I would not sayhate her "pity her" she is the one losing out on the joy of the children in her life, they know who she is and one day the will confront her, believe me this I know from experience. And at that time she will only have her usual sorry excuses. KARMA baby!! believe in it.