Sad Soul

I am a 27 year-old mother of 3 wonderful children, my husband and I have been together for 13 years this year.  Our marriage has been…..rocky (trying to be PC) since the beginning, or pretty close to the beginning.  He has what I would call an addictive personality, meaning he has had one addiction or another through out or marriage from drugs, to alcohol to ***********.  Some how I have convinced myself to stay with him and try to get him the help that he needs.  While he was under the influence he was mentally, verbally, and on occasion physically abusive. He has been sober for about 9 months, a great accomplishment yes.  Unfortunately my trust for him is slim; if he told me it was raining I would check outside for myself. He doesn’t usually remember everything that he has put me through but I was always sober.  I remember everything like it was yesterday.  I remember crying and begging for him to see the right path, for me, for our kids, for him.  I remember feeling so helpless, I remember feeling so low because of how he treated me. 

I thought that once he was sober things would magically be better.  Well they have not improved that much.  Yes he is no longer under the influence of drugs or alcohol but in my heart of hearts I don’t feel he is faithful to me.  I still think he has a problem with *********** but he won’t admit it. 

I am a successful person, I have a great job wonderful kids and I am about halfway done with my Bachelors degree.  My family and I will be relocating to Southern California from Texas because of a promotion that I have recently received.  So with all of the positives in my life I still feel so cold, so sad inside.  I put up a pretty good front at work but when I am home, I just feel like I want to crawl in bed and cry.  I breakdown in the car after I drop my kids at school, and I feel so hopeless. 

I have explained my frustrations to my husband and told him that I feel that there is a huge gap in our relationship.  I don’t feel warm and fuzzy about him anymore.  I don’t feel loved or wanted, I do feel like we are just roommates (except I pay all the bills).  After a conversation that he and I had, he has attempted to make our relationship somewhat better by trying to be more respectful and sweet, but I think it made things worse.  I feel resentful because he is only doing these things because I brought it up.  That right there is the main problem; I want him to want to love me.  I don’t feel like I should have had to say anything to get him to say nice things to me.  Ugh I don’t know, it is so difficult to try and explain this.  I think that I have given up, I don’t love him like I used to.  Now I know that I am just comfortable with him being there because we have been together for so long. 

I fear that my expectations are too high.  As cliché as it might sound, I want my soul mate.  I want to feel loved, and wanted.  I want to feel like I am important in so many ways that can’t be spoken.  I know there are no perfect people, but I truly believe that there is someone that is perfect for everyone.  Am I being unrealistic?  Am I living in a fantasy world?


ecthrive ecthrive
1 Response Apr 30, 2009

Wow, our stories are so similiar. I'm a mom to 3 and have been married for 15 years. My husband sounds EXACTLY like yours. Addiction to addiction and yet I stay. I always say it is for the kids. Like you, I feel like I live with a room mate. And no, you do not live in a fantasy world...everyone deserves to have someone in their lives who loves and wants us. <br />
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Us codependents were brought up taking care of everyone elses problems and making things better. Never want to rock the boat. I'm comfortable with my husband but what about excitement and passion about life. As the kids get older, they notice and they will voice their opinions (mine are). <br />
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You are so young and have a lot of life to live. I learned (with a lot of drilling from the marriage counselor) that we can't make someone love us. Start focusing on yourself--find a hobby that will occupy your time or volunteer at the kids school or youth/church group. I'm learning that this is a good way to meet other people.<br />
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And ALWAYS remember--you are important--you are the center of the world to your 3 children. :)