Opening Up Hurts - I Need A Therapist

I got spanked alot by my dad as a kid. Truly I needed discipline and structure, but there is a fine line crossing over into abuse. The consequence should serve the offence, not the other way around. When my dad tried to spank me at 16, I stood up for myself and fought back physically because it was absolutely over the line! It was the last time he laid a hand on me in that way. We have a better relationship, have come to terms with things in our past, but I still cringe on the inside when he hugs me or touches my shoulder.

My mom was like my child...I can read her like a book and I control her in ways that she is not even aware of. The only time I remember clearly her hitting me for a punishment was when I called her a *****. Any other time, she would just call my dad at work, tell him what I'd done (she rolled her eyes at me, she's arguing with me about doing her chores, she got a C on her report card...) and wait for him to come home and "handle" the situation. I did all the motherly things for my 4 younger siblings...homework, dinner, dishes, showers....then doing my own homework and chores. My mom is a diabetic, and she uses it as a disability. At least 30% of my childhood was spent in hospital, making phone calls to 911, or pouring drink down her throat to revive her.

In my adulthood it seems as though everything that was repressed from my childhood is expressing itself sexually. I have yet to meet a woman that I don't look down on in some way as inferior. And I can't stand a man that can't control me sexually and mentally (they are inferior too), although abuse is out of the question. I am obsessed with being spanked and humiliated by a man and my great dream is to meet the woman who can inspire respect and adoration from me and earn my submission...I think I want some weird Mommy/Daddy/daughter thing, and it's confusing. I've tried therapy, but haven't had good experiences.
submissivemistress submissivemistress
26-30, F
Jan 12, 2013